AIBU Child custodians in will

[Fedriteup]

DP and I had joint wills created. Leaving custody of children to both sets of grandparents for now. DP not signed his copy, states he only wants his parents to have custody if the worst occurred. Both grandparents are so far well, mine live 10 minutes away. In-laws 6hrs away. DP states my parents have no friends or family to help, and he has concerns about my mother’s mental health. I’m gob smacked. No idea how to react to this. My parents helped endlessly with childcare, DIY. I am an only child also. AIBU to be hurt and confused by this?

I just feel his approach about this and my parents is highlighting a contempt towards us all. The language is unkind and his intimation that we’re so dysfunctional in comparison is bizarre.

Yes OP, unfortunately this situation has revealed his true colours .. and not very endearing ones at that 🌺

kowari I wouldn't choose grandparents more than 45 years older than my child. A 45 year gap would mean they would be 70 when the child was 25
Aside from the fact that a guardian is usually only to 18 (though a financial trustee may be longer) lots of people have children at 45.
DH is 71 and DS2 is 22.

Thanks @Grausse. My idea, which we discussed, was that the will gets updated in say five years when childcare for either set may become unrealistic. Gutted we’re arguing about something hopefully unlikely to occur but it’s clearly revealed deep issues.

For the sake of him having a will in place, I would suggest that he nominates his parents in his will.

This would only take effect if you both die, so the chances are quite slim. Look out for more suitable alternatives and get the wills updated when you have found a better option. The chances of it ever coming into effect is passingly slight.

If you have nominated both parents, how do you think it would work?

@Fedriteup

Thank you *@daisydukes26*, an ABC sounds sensible. Doubt DP would consider my parents fit to be A or even Z.

@Fedriteup That's awful to read. I really do hope he realises how much your parents have done in the childcare sense already.

To be clear the siblings and his parents also are minimum of two hours apart, so there’s no obvious town or area they could relocate to and be supported.

Some people do just have no one suitable. We didn't. The court would have to sort it out.

In the end the issue was solved by us getting divorced. This has ensured that we are extremely unlikely to die at the same time

I’m sorry @ultimatecougar, on both counts

What was the run in with your mother about? Clearly he's not over it?

We’d been fighting a lot, she waded in. Against my wishes I must say, I was very upset and had been confiding in her. Not excused her interfering but in 15 years this was single incident, not repeated before or since.

I adore my DB kids and would walk through hot coals for them. My SiL sister would get custody as she lives closer and could drop everything to move. This is fair. However the preferences stated in the legals are essentially for as much joint decision making with me as possible, as much respite, weekends, holidays etc to come from me. We've never needed to do any of this but when this was stated as their preference I'd never met my SIL sister so we both travelled, met each other and talked about ourselves, how it could work and what would be some of the things we'd need to face together and how we'd do it. The children are what we both focused on, not the ego of either of us or any family differences. I'd suggest that when you agree what is right, you do something similar. It will raise differences but better to address when there's not grief and a lot of admin mixed in too.

Guardianship is to age 18 only.

I thought that was pretty common knowledge? I also understand that a some parents have children over 45. Say a child lost their parents at 10, I would not think it in their best interests to risk then losing a grandparent who raised them at 20. I would want the most stable situation possible for a child who had already lost their parents. That may be the grandparents if there are no other good options, but I would look to people nearer my own age first.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply @travailtotravel