AIBU Child custodians in will

[Fedriteup]

DP and I had joint wills created. Leaving custody of children to both sets of grandparents for now. DP not signed his copy, states he only wants his parents to have custody if the worst occurred. Both grandparents are so far well, mine live 10 minutes away. In-laws 6hrs away. DP states my parents have no friends or family to help, and he has concerns about my mother’s mental health. I’m gob smacked. No idea how to react to this. My parents helped endlessly with childcare, DIY. I am an only child also. AIBU to be hurt and confused by this?

Why aren't you just considering DP sibling now? The grandparents will end up arguing amongst themselves if you stipulate custody is to be decided by them after the fact and cause more upheaval for the children?

@Ohalrightthen

I think choosing grandparents as guardians is a really bad idea, regardless of location or mental health. Bo matter how fit and healthy they are, they will age and become frail and then you run a pretty high risk of your children losing another set of parents. You need to rethink.

I agree with this. It may not be long before they are too frail to care for children. Best to choose friends or siblings that are around your own age.

Have either of you actually talked to both sets of parents about what you're asking or expecting of them?

If you do this you will probably find you have to re-write the will in a few years (although to be fair you should always keep it up to date).
We did this when DC were babies. My parents were fit well and active 60 year olds.
Five years later while they managed happily for the odd overnight visit it was clear they would struggle to have children with them permanently. We changed our will to give custody to a sibling.

Thinking was grandparents had a few years in them to be capable and only relatives nearby. Only two siblings around, one not financially established another recovering from a serious health problem. We would absolutely change it to one of these, despite distance of five - seven hours away from DCs current home.

I think your husband needs to go back to the solicitor who drew up your will to hear the actual legal position because him not signing is not giving him an upper hand, it is just him not having a will.

Have you spoken to your parents about this? They may have their own opinions on the matter.

Depending on jurisdiction, the courts will decide though they may take your wishes into account. Leave a letter with your solicitor that states you don't consider any perceived MH issues your DM has would preclude her from being the best carer and that you think it would be paramount to continue the local friendships and familiarity that your parents would provide unless your DP's parents permanently relocate so they can regularly see their DGC at your parents!. Then tell your DP you think he is an idiot and his position and approach has reduced your respect for him so he does'[t think you are a doormat or think his approach of ignoring you will be fruitful in the future.

Good luck.

Drawn up in haste, big mistake. It also sounds as if you haven't taken legal advice from a solicitor (because neither of you quite grasps what guardianship is about). PLEASE don't try to DIY.

 You really, really really need to use a solicitor to make Wills.

Your DH is being utterly unreasouable.

The only people I would automatically discount here are HIS parents - they live far too far away. The last thing children who have lost both parents would need is being shipped 6 hours away to live with grandparents necessitating them to change schools and lose all their friends too.

Your parents, for now, should be the choice. If the worst were to happen, at least the children could stay where they have their friends, their school, and possibly also stay in their home for some amount of time afterwards.

I would start from the point that his parents are NOT on the list.

@kowari

I wouldn't choose grandparents more than 45 years older than my child. A 45 year gap would mean they would be 70 when the child was 25.

Guardianship is to age 18 only.

DP is not coming up with solutions. Just not signing it and expressing his opinion that his parents are better candidates. Seems grossly unfair.

They are not better candidates.

Neither are the siblings who live 5-7 hours away!!!

The CHILDREN should come first here.

They should if at all possible stay where they live - same schools, same friends, educational support in the school community that a;ready knows them, etc.

I cannot think of a decision more likely to compound the trauma 100% than to plan to have them move to a place they know no one.

Incidentally, if they also see more of your parents then they should be the choice. People in their EVERYDAY lives.

This isn't about pulling rank.

Your DH is not putting his children first.

Thanks for the perspectives, they really do help. We did not go DIY. If a sibling was nearer it would be far easier. It’s not that DP is querying grandparents he is specifically favouring his own that live at the other end of the country.

I think I'd be saying they need to move closer to start to pull their weight now. Your parents help now and should be pushed aside in the event of your deaths. Kick in the teeth

Geography really

@forres that’s part of my hurt. Seems very dismissive of their contribution

Your parents sound a better choice than his but grandparents aren't the best choice. Do you have any close friends with kids?

I have close friends yes, but I’m not sure DP feels as close to them. Siblings would be ideal but the distances are huge.

You say DP rather than DH, so I’m assuming you’re not married.
The scenario of both of you dying simultaneously in the same event is hundreds of times less likely than one of you dying and the other being left with an administrative shitshow when all their estate goes straight to the children (in trust) rather than the other parent. I think that your practical priority should be take all mention of children’s guardianship out of both wills, and get them signed as soon as possible. This will deal with the most likely and most serious scenario.

Discuss guardianship separately, taking all the comments upthread into consideration, and then make a codicil addressing those issues, or rewrite the wills completely to make sure that the expenses of child rearing are properly accounted for in any trust.

But get your priorities straight. Both of you dying together could happen but it’s extremely unlikely, and even if it did, children are not possessions to be bequeathed so anything you write in your will would be subject to challenge. Unmarried cohabitees however really do need wills, ideally yesterday.

Thank you @DilysPrice
We are married. I will go back to the drawing board - need some heat out of the situation. If I was to pass away then my parents would only have the GC family wise

It doesn't have to be family if family are too tricky.

Re what you said about friends with kids. DP doesn't have to feel close to them, your kids do. You both need to put yourselves in their place. Who are they most familiar with? Whose home do they visit lots? Who can you see them warming to?

he has concerns about my mother’s mental health. I’m gob smacked. No idea how to react to this.

Sorry but I'd be assessing my entire relationship OP with him.

@BlueThistles I know, sadly I am. DM had a run in with DH last year and I’m sure it stems from this. She’s been rock solid for the DC.

@Fedriteup

So maybe we could say both sets of grandparents decide custody in the event of both our deaths? I’m still very hurt he considers my parents so unsuitable.

I'm not sure about this. You are leaving them to fight over it after you pass.

I think you need an ABC option. One set of GPs, if they are too old/ill/unfit it goes to option B and so on.

Thank you @daisydukes26, an ABC sounds sensible. Doubt DP would consider my parents fit to be A or even Z.