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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Sleep deprived parents Am I being unfair to DH

56 replies

Globalpandemicmum · 10/10/2020 23:03

I’m very aware this will seem petty, but I need to know if I am being unfair here.

Went out for dinner with my DH tonight and was having a nice time until he asked for a lay in tomorrow. I asked if he was going to do the night feeds tonight and it turned into a huge row. He was definitely wrong to cause a row about it but am I in the wrong overall.

For context we have DD1 who is 2 years old and DD2 who is 4 months old and breastfed.

The last few weeks both children have been waking up between 3 and 6 times a night between them. I get up and deal with both of them 7 nights a week. DH gets up with DD1 in the morning, usually about 6.15-6.30ish. Weekdays I’m normally up by 7 and on a weekend, if DH doesn’t wake me up banging around I might occasionally lay in bed until 8. This very rarely happens though. He then always has the opportunity to go back to bed.

Last weekend I’d said to DH I was struggling with tiredness so he got up with DD1 both nights but I’d still got up with DD2 due to breastfeeding. In fact, I’d spent half of Saturday night up with DD2 that he eventually took her downstairs at 5am as I was taking DD1 out for the day.

I would love to say to DH yeah go for it, have the lay in but then that means I’m up repeatedly through the night and up early in the morning. When do I get to sleep all through the night and then have a lay in. DH’s argument is that he might not wake up as quick as me to deal with DD1 but he still hears everything.

I tried to say to him whilst rowing that instead of going back over the tit-4-tat about who has done what, why don’t we just agree that we both get a day to lay in each weekend. He tried to tell me that I already have that so he should get that tomorrow. Yes he got up at 5 with DD1 today but I was up at 7 after being up 4 times with the girls. That’s not a lay in!!

So am I being unreasonable for not wanting to get up with DD1 when I’m going to be awake half the night feeding

OP posts:

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 10/10/2020 23:10

It's awful when you're both tired. And no one is a winner. I think if you're breastfeeding though then he should get your with the toddler. And you should both go to bed for naps in the day as well as lie ins.

MountainMert · 10/10/2020 23:16

The advice we lived by through the sleep deprived stage was "there's 180% of things to do, you're both doing 90% of it". Essentially, there's no way you'll know everything that the other person is doing. You're both exhausted, you're both overworked and you're both underestimating what the other person does. It's just how it is.
DH and I had a massive row once where I asked him at 7am to PLEASE take DS downstairs to play so I could have a lie in (at my parent's house). When I came downstairs at 8am, DH (in front of my mother) made a dig about me not doing anything. DS usually slept through the night so DH didn't know that I was up with him between 2am and 7am. It's almost always a misunderstanding, a lack of awareness, crossed wires, short tempers etc. No one's fault, it's just the situation you're in.
The other rule we lived by was "what happens on the battlefield, stays on the battlefield". No grudges, no digs, just drop it and move on - no exceptions. The row above was when DH didn't stick to that rule.

Everydayimhuffling · 10/10/2020 23:38

You need to agree how long counts as a lay in. He seems to think it is until 7, so you could give him a lie in and wake him at 7... Or see what he thinks would be a reasonable lie in for him tomorrow. One weekend morning each is a good plan though. That's what we try to do.

Probably a stupid question, but how are you getting up with them both? My 2 month old is breastfed, so DP gets up with the 20 month old if/when she wakes. What do you do if the baby needs feeding while you are with the toddler?

timeisnotaline · 10/10/2020 23:42

So he doesn’t get up at all except for a couple of times on SOME weekends and wants one of the weekend layins? In my book the weekend lay ins are ONLY for parents who have done a fair portion of the overnight load and anyone else can get up at 5 with the toddler and stop fucking whining.

HotGlueGun · 10/10/2020 23:58

He is being entirely unreasonable. I can't even believe he asked... just shows how completely lacking in empathy he is.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 11/10/2020 00:08

He's being a dick. Seriously. He is.

You're not even getting 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep on any night. He is.

You should be having the weekend lie ins, not him. And 7 is not a lie in.

Terrace58 · 11/10/2020 05:55

If you are covering the night feeds, he should be covering the rest. You are supposed to sleep as much as you can when the baby sleeps. Multiple children makes that a pipe dream, but you still need to get what you can.

Oysterbabe · 11/10/2020 06:03

My husband pulls that one all the time.
'l'm just as tired as you as you because although you get it up 100% if the time, I still get woken up.'
My heart bleeds for him, lying in bed being disturbed by the kids while I'm up settling them. Prick.

Wallywobbles · 11/10/2020 06:10

The only way to sort the "but your waking me anyway" is to use ear plugs.

Exh and I worked it like this - I did 12-6 and he did everything before and after. So if one of them cried at 5.55 I waited it out.

So at 6 you'd put in ear plugs and pre midnight too.

It's hell this period.

user19990 · 11/10/2020 06:14

@Oysterbabe I hear ya!! 🙌

SandMason · 11/10/2020 06:49

I don’t think there’s any point in both of you getting up in the night - one of you could take the hit and the other can then help make it up during the day or lie-ins. Both getting up for night wakings means you both feel wrecked and hard done by, and neither wants to help the other. Good luck

Original poster

Globalpandemicmum · 11/10/2020 06:54

Oh wow, I really thought I was going to be told I was being unreasonable. That it’s not fair he never gets a lay in.

He slept on the sofa last night, so I’m sure he didn’t get disturbed by the baby getting up for four feeds! Yet he will still want his lay in!

OP posts:

Indecisivelurcher · 11/10/2020 06:58

I think you should get two lie ins at the weekend until 8:30. And I'm not being provocative, that's what I think! Yes, getting up early sucks. But not as much as getting up multiple times a night. If he won't agree to that then he needs to take his turn in the night. Yes you'll hear them first and it will seem pointless kneeing your h awake to get up instead. But it does feel better lying in bed listening to your h settle your toddler and not getting up yourself, it's also good for your toddler to be settled by dad, and it might also help make your point.

I did all the night wakings when my 2 were that age because of dh's mental health so I totally feel you.

blackteaplease · 11/10/2020 07:03

Night wakings are hard, lack of sleep is hard. You and your dh are both tired and it's easy to fall into resentment and arguing about this.

When our DC were very small DH split it so that I did nightfeeds the baby and dh dealt with the toddler. Then we agreed a time that a lie in lasts until (8am in our house) and have a day each at the weekend to lie in.

The person who has got up early could have a nap in the day if they were really knackered.

Original poster

Globalpandemicmum · 11/10/2020 07:04

I’m laying in bed with DD2 who is just dozing back off. DD1 has woken up and was very quietly playing in her room. DH has tiptoed up the stairs and taken her down. Hopefully he’s realised how wrong he was last night!

I can’t believe he ruined our first night out together since January!

OP posts:

GirlCalledJames · 11/10/2020 07:05

Having been in your husband’s position with our first baby and in yours for our second, he is unreasonable to ask for a lie in. There’s no comparison between being woken by a baby and then going back to sleep and actually having to get up and do things for a while before sleeping again. If he’s tired, he should imagine how tired you are.
Could you both have an afternoon nap instead?

msflibble · 11/10/2020 07:14

He is BU. In our house I deal with all night wakings and DH gets up with the kids in the morning. He only ever asks for a lie in if it's been an uninterrupted night or if I've had a very early night. Your DH can't expect you to be up all night settling children and then up early so your big manchild can also have his lie in.
Having small kids is exhausting, that's just the way it is, the only way it's bearable is if both parents pull their weight.

Magpiefeather · 11/10/2020 07:16

@Everydayimhuffling when this happens in our house I take the baby into 3yo’s room to feed him. I’m lucky that the baby is quick to calm down once he is feeding .

Botherfreedays · 11/10/2020 07:24

Whoever does the getting up in the night, gets the lie in. Simple.

CostaCosta · 11/10/2020 07:24

I have no advice, I just remember so many occasions that I felt so angry towards dh about sleep. Bf made it all feel so overwhelming and lonely. Hoping the good sleep comes for you soon!

Original poster

Globalpandemicmum · 11/10/2020 07:44

I was wrong, DH didn’t take DD1 down, she was still playing nicely in her room. I took her down in the end and he asked if we was going to talk.

Apparently all he asked for was one lay in, but I don’t give in, I want it all my own way. It’s my way or no way. Apparently I feel like I have the raw end of the deal. I have to stop breastfeeding as well and that will be the answer to all of this.

There is breast milk in the freezer, he could easily do a night and make a bottle up. No different to if she was formula fed but he doesn’t so how does he even have an argument.

I have no idea how to make him realise he is being a pig headed twat about this!

OP posts:

Mindymomo · 11/10/2020 07:46

I can only imagine it’s a bit frosty in your house today. I remember the sleep deprived months and arguments even after 20 odd years. Try and make it up with your husband, life is way too short to argue. Parenting is hard, but as a couple it’s best when you agree together. My husband has always liked getting up early, so I would do nights and he would do mornings.

bumpyknuckles · 11/10/2020 07:48

It's so hard being sleep-deprived. I used to want to kill my DH when he complained about being tired because I'd got up every hour all night with DC and he'd been disturbed. I used to refuse to talk about it at all because I knew I'd start screaming and never stop.

I used to cope by insisting he got up with DC one day of the weekend while I had a lie in - I used to take DC into our room, leave them there, and retire to the spare room with earplugs (I never used to talk to him about this, I'd just appear with DC, silently put them down and leave). I also used to go to bed at 8 several times a week and ask DH to deal with any wake-ups until midnight. I also used to take as many naps on weekend days as possible, leaving DC with DH (or DM or MIL, or any vaguely responsible adult).

Prioritise sleep over everything. And don't think about divorce until your youngest is 2

balalalala · 11/10/2020 08:06

You poor thing. You must be shattered! It's do tough having the two and being the one to get up. My two are slightly older at nearly 2 and just 4, but even a month ago I was still up 5 times between them. My challenge is DH would willingly go in every time, but neither will allow him past the door in the night and scream blue murder for me! It's exhausting. We have an agreement that we get 1 weekend day each, but I know that even on his lie in day if I say, sorry, I'm knackered can you get up instead, he will do so without question.

The tricky bit for you is that he simply has no idea what it's like. What about if you left him with the baby monitors and expressed milk and slept somewhere else for a night? Either the sofa or away? The stopping breastfeeding is a red herring. I found my only way through those early months was learning to feed lying down, otherwise I couldn't get anywhere near enough sleep!

Seventytwoseventythree · 11/10/2020 08:08

If you have a spare room or he’s willing to sleep on the sofa, we have found that that helps a lot. My DH sleeps in the spare room, I do all the night wakes (breastfed baby) then he takes her every morning at 7am until he needs to get ready for work. He doesn’t complain because he is getting uninterrupted sleep every night and he knows he’s got it good. And if he dared complain he knows what I would have to say about that! It’s much harder to work out when you’ve both been up. I suggest that either your DH gets up with the toddler and then you have one weekend lie in each, or he sleeps elsewhere so he can’t complain he’s tired but the payoff for all that uninterrupted sleep is that he does every single morning.

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