AIBU - Sleep deprived parents Am I being unfair to DH

[Globalpandemicmum]

I’m very aware this will seem petty, but I need to know if I am being unfair here.

Went out for dinner with my DH tonight and was having a nice time until he asked for a lay in tomorrow. I asked if he was going to do the night feeds tonight and it turned into a huge row. He was definitely wrong to cause a row about it but am I in the wrong overall.

For context we have DD1 who is 2 years old and DD2 who is 4 months old and breastfed.

The last few weeks both children have been waking up between 3 and 6 times a night between them. I get up and deal with both of them 7 nights a week. DH gets up with DD1 in the morning, usually about 6.15-6.30ish. Weekdays I’m normally up by 7 and on a weekend, if DH doesn’t wake me up banging around I might occasionally lay in bed until 8. This very rarely happens though. He then always has the opportunity to go back to bed.

Last weekend I’d said to DH I was struggling with tiredness so he got up with DD1 both nights but I’d still got up with DD2 due to breastfeeding. In fact, I’d spent half of Saturday night up with DD2 that he eventually took her downstairs at 5am as I was taking DD1 out for the day.

I would love to say to DH yeah go for it, have the lay in but then that means I’m up repeatedly through the night and up early in the morning. When do I get to sleep all through the night and then have a lay in. DH’s argument is that he might not wake up as quick as me to deal with DD1 but he still hears everything.

I tried to say to him whilst rowing that instead of going back over the tit-4-tat about who has done what, why don’t we just agree that we both get a day to lay in each weekend. He tried to tell me that I already have that so he should get that tomorrow. Yes he got up at 5 with DD1 today but I was up at 7 after being up 4 times with the girls. That’s not a lay in!!

So am I being unreasonable for not wanting to get up with DD1 when I’m going to be awake half the night feeding

Except of course, if there were a winner, it would clearly be DH, who gets to sleep uninterrupted all night, every night and also gets half the lie-ins!

Office jobs can be very demanding! I’ve had office jobs that were relentless non stop meetings, calls and managing people, with barely time to have a lunch break!

Does he commute?

I don’t think asking for a lie-in is unreasonable if it’s a one-off and he’s getting up early for work every weekday.

If he was happy for you to go to a hotel for 2 nights to get unbroken sleep why won’t he help during the night at weekends?

Can you compromise by saying no to the lie-in this time (because you’re exhausted) but agree he gets a lie in next weekend?

Of course office jobs are demanding, but a parent can’t do a fair share of parentIng a baby and/or toddler at night and perform fine in their office job - loads of us managed it. OP’s H is clearly prioritising himself over Op and their two DC.

Until you’ve done it you don’t understand the sleep deprivation that comes with small children.

My DH works FT and I am 100% responsible for waking up with 7mo (teething) DS every night! Yes, even the 2 nights a week when DH isn’t working I still do all DS’s wake ups (he’s breast fed) but in return for DH getting undisturbed night time sleeps he gets kicked out of bed with DS on a morning whilst I get another couple of hours.

I put it to him as a choice.

On your nights off work, would you rather
A- get up through the night for wake ups
B- get up on a morning at regular work time

He picked the later

The rule in our house is that I do the night feeds, and husband does the early starts. No arguments, no negotiating.

My husband complained once. I told him I would happily wake him up everytime the baby wakes, and keep him awake for the duration she is awake. That way he would really have something to complain about. He hasn't complained since

There are no winners in the sleep deprived years.
The one who gets to sleep through every night AND then thinks he should get a lie in as well is winning by a bush country mile. That whole don’t do competitive tiredness is only relevant if you’re sharing the load and no dad who doesn’t help at nights is sharing the load unless baby only wakes once like clockwork. I have a competitive office job by the way.