AIBU - Sleep deprived parents Am I being unfair to DH

[Globalpandemicmum]

I’m very aware this will seem petty, but I need to know if I am being unfair here.

Went out for dinner with my DH tonight and was having a nice time until he asked for a lay in tomorrow. I asked if he was going to do the night feeds tonight and it turned into a huge row. He was definitely wrong to cause a row about it but am I in the wrong overall.

For context we have DD1 who is 2 years old and DD2 who is 4 months old and breastfed.

The last few weeks both children have been waking up between 3 and 6 times a night between them. I get up and deal with both of them 7 nights a week. DH gets up with DD1 in the morning, usually about 6.15-6.30ish. Weekdays I’m normally up by 7 and on a weekend, if DH doesn’t wake me up banging around I might occasionally lay in bed until 8. This very rarely happens though. He then always has the opportunity to go back to bed.

Last weekend I’d said to DH I was struggling with tiredness so he got up with DD1 both nights but I’d still got up with DD2 due to breastfeeding. In fact, I’d spent half of Saturday night up with DD2 that he eventually took her downstairs at 5am as I was taking DD1 out for the day.

I would love to say to DH yeah go for it, have the lay in but then that means I’m up repeatedly through the night and up early in the morning. When do I get to sleep all through the night and then have a lay in. DH’s argument is that he might not wake up as quick as me to deal with DD1 but he still hears everything.

I tried to say to him whilst rowing that instead of going back over the tit-4-tat about who has done what, why don’t we just agree that we both get a day to lay in each weekend. He tried to tell me that I already have that so he should get that tomorrow. Yes he got up at 5 with DD1 today but I was up at 7 after being up 4 times with the girls. That’s not a lay in!!

So am I being unreasonable for not wanting to get up with DD1 when I’m going to be awake half the night feeding

@balalalala I did that, I stayed in a hotel two weekends ago just so I could get a good nights sleep. He didn’t understand why, and actually really didn’t like it.

Typically the baby only woke up once and the toddler slept through!

The rule in our house was only the person who got up in the night got a lie in, so that was essentially me in the early days as I BF. When they slept through that's when we started alternating lie ins. I have to admit though the starts weren't that early, we never allowed either child to get up before 7am, if they woke before then it was dealt as a night waking with them put back to bed, even if 6.30am. Appreciate that might not work for every child but did for ours.

He is BU. He should be doing some night parenting FFS!

Look out for yourself and your health: your H is prioritising himself and doesn’t ‘have your back’.

Some posters are essentially saying that because you’re a woman you should ‘swallow the shit sandwich’.

It's like they know isn't it! My two sleep so much better when they go stay with my mum!

So say that then, say ok you get one lie in at the weekend and I get one night with earplugs not getting up, there's breast milk in the freezer. It's not a competition, just because he's not doing night feeds he's allowed to feel tired, I say this as someone who bf past a year so I get the exhaustion, I used to be up in the night then have to go to work. Working full time and getting up before six is a bit relentless too, so the odd lie in seems a reasonable request, but so is the odd night for you to sleep through if you want to carry on BF.

I accidentally pressed yabu while scrolling- sorry. I don't think you are being unreasonable in any way.

Even now with a 3 yr old my OH thinks his more entitled to sleep/rest. He rarely gets up with her, even now where she's sleeping 8 till 8 he moans. I did it then and I do it now and get the constant backlash of "why are you always so tired??". When she was a baby and would wake throughout the night I would ask for help so it wasn't always me getting up. But it would work for one or two nights and then back to just me getting up.
Talking to other mum's, not making any kind of excuse, but it seems the same in alot of households where the mum seems to do the majority if not all of the waking in the night/morning. I don't think these men who don't help out (and it's not all so please don't bash me) but those who don't, don't realise the resentment that builds up in their partner. Then want to sit back and moan about being left out or your all about the child. But when you feel some days you're barely keeping your head above water it's hard to see it any other way. I'm at the point where walking away looks like the best option. At least then i dont have to deal with the constant moaning and sulking from him! I hope things turn around for you x

There are no winners in the sleep deprived years. I say this as I crawl back into bed after winning a competitive tiredness competition with my DH.

YANBU.

There IS currently a ‘winner’ here: OP’s H. Who isn’t doing a fair share. And wants yet more for himself.

If you Express then he needs to be doing night feeds one night then you get up with kids, and switch the next night so you feed in night but get a lie in. And you stay in bloody bed until he did.

What’s his job like and what time does he get up to go to work? My partner gets up at 5/5:30 every morning and works as a labourer so physical graft. Sometimes he will work 6 days out of 7 so I don’t begrudge him the weekend lie ins at all, our 9 month old is only just waking later and getting better through the night so you have my full sympathy, sleep deprivation is hideous. If he lies in during the week or even wakes the same time as you I wouldn’t be having it though, I think a day each sounds fair.

Of course you deserve both days to lie in if you are doing all the night wakings! 7am is definitely not a lie in

He’s being a selfish git

Tricky. The only thing that works for us is me doing every morning shift (4am onwards) then DH taking over soon as he wakes up. He likes to stay up late working (in the house) so he does any child soothing until about 4am. Then I wake him up at noon and go to bed for a few hours!

I’ve given up trying to make him do the mornings and tbh I was never a person to lie in so I often wake at 6am anyway.

I have breastfed and done all night wakings for two children and my DH has literally never asked me for a lie in. I’m sure the desire occurs to him but I think he realises that if he feels tired it’s only a fraction of what I feel. We joke ‘tired doesn’t concern you’. Your DH is obviously totally clueless, which is a shame as it also means he does not and cannot truly appreciate the work you’re putting in. The fact that he has suggested you give up breastfeeding your child to make his life better makes him a) a total idiot and b) a selfish twat. He needs to speak to some men who are made to share the night shift or call his bluff and say you want to try bottle feeding and he can do the first night. Total prick.

@thetangleteaser he does an office job but it is a really demanding job. We actually work together so I know first hand just how stressful it is. Therefore, I’m very supportive of him with this.

An office job, so he should be fine doing some of the night parenting.

Your health and wellbeing and your and the DCs’ safety are at least as important as his job. Sleep deprivation is a risk for health/safety/wellbeing - I found that out the hard way.

If you’re doing the nights and he gets to go back to bed why does he get a lay in at all? In our house the person who does the nights sleeps on, my husband will go for a lay down in the day though.

If dd1 is playing quietly in her room and baby is sleeping then why couldn't you both go back to bed?

The sleepless years are tough on everyone, I have had 2 awful sleepers and had about 10 full nights sleep in 6 years. Espcially if you are breastfeeding. You are both knackered. I would establish one weekend lie in each and also look at getting some extra help so you can each have some time away, be it grandparents, friends etc or even one parent takes kids out for the morning to give the other a rest. The people I know who bickrred about how tired they were seemed to hate each other long after the kids started sleeping.

Ahhh, it's so awful when neither of you are getting the rest you need - and even worse once it turns into competetive tiredness.

I agree with PPs that you need to have one lie-in morning each on the weekend. Only stop BFing when you're ready - it might seem the easy option to get some more sleep right now, but you have to balance it with the convenience and time saved day to day with sterilising and bottle prepping etc.

I know it seems a long way off now, but "this too shall pass", and (unless you have more children!) it won't seem all that terribly long before they're having lie-ins themselves! And I speak as the Mum of 2 DDs, neither of whom slept through the night until they were 3.5!

Please just remember you and your Husband are a team - be kind to one another.

He's being a twat. Show him this thread.

@Globalpandemicmum

I was wrong, DH didn’t take DD1 down, she was still playing nicely in her room. I took her down in the end and he asked if we was going to talk.

Apparently all he asked for was one lay in, but I don’t give in, I want it all my own way. It’s my way or no way. Apparently I feel like I have the raw end of the deal. I have to stop breastfeeding as well and that will be the answer to all of this.

There is breast milk in the freezer, he could easily do a night and make a bottle up. No different to if she was formula fed but he doesn’t so how does he even have an argument.

I have no idea how to make him realise he is being a pig headed twat about this!

Show him the PPs comments!

If you're breastfeeding surely it's no big deal to do the night feeds. If you want him to do them then he has to get up, go downstairs and defrost milk. At least if you were formula feeding you could have a perfect prep or flask of hot water next to the bed!
You're both tired. Pre kids if you'd slept a night on the sofa you'd feel rubbish the next morning so I don't think he's being unreasonable.
I think you need to look at ways to get the whole family more sleep rather than blaming each other. Maybe one or both of you could go to bed earlier (if we are tired we go to bed at 8 with the kids). Maybe night weaning or sleep training one or both kids would help. We find cosleeping is best - breastfeeding at night would be impossible for me if I had to get up and walk to another room. Similarly we just keep the toddler in with us because you can cuddle her back to sleep without really waking up yourself.
At the end of the day you're a team and this is your life partner so you both need to be trying to make the other's life easier not prove your own is harder.

Haven't read the whole thread, but in our house, I get up with the kids in the night, breastfeeding and seeing to the older two too, so I get the 'lie-in'. In actual fact of course, it's not a lie-in, is it? It's catching up on missed sleep. He gets 7/8 hours of unbroken sleep. Even with the extra hour or two in the mornings, I rarely get this amount of sleep. YANBU!

I don't know why you don't both have one lie in each, every weekend.
I know you're both tired, you do more in the night, it's shit but it is what it is.

I am in similar situation although DD1 is older and sleeps through. DS wakes throughout the night but we cosleep so I turn over latch on and back to sleep. I do all night wake ups, DH has only ever done a few when the older one has been ill.

Dh gets Saturday lie in, I get Sunday. We've been like this since DD was a baby.

There's nothing worse than arguing about sleep and tiredness. No one wins.