AIBU and to ask your advice on how to talk supposed to be shielding family member round

[howdoiapproachthissituation]

I really could do with advice.

My MIL - who we live with - has lung cancer for the second time, angina, COPD.

Despite shielding being officially paused, she's recently been told by her consultants to begin shielding again as we are in a high risk area and she's pretty much the most extreme high risk category.

She's always been a bit childlike and also a kind of head in the sand person, she can also go from 0-60 quick to anger. This isn't really about our relationship, I do like her and admire she's a loving and hard working person, although we've had many problems with her being controlling regards our DC, thinks she knows best, does stuff behind our backs etc.

On the first lockdown, she mostly stayed in although went for walks.

Since she's been told this though, she's refusing to follow any of the rules (we are in local lockdown area). Says "it's been going on too long", she's "fed up of it" etc. Someone she trusts told her it's nonsense. She doesn't watch news or use internet and just gets aggravated when me or DC try to tell her. No dementia or anything. Apart from her, we are very cautious and follow guidelines.

She is regularly visiting family members in their households with multiple other households present at times, going on public transport and to numerous shops (only against her consultants, not rules), not distancing from people.

She often tries to get DC to go with her (pre teen), even against my wishes when I'm at work, and argues and sulks if I try to challenge it. Their father passive and just lets her.

On one hand, I understand how scared she must be, she's faced cancer twice and she wants some normal life if it has a chance of returning and being terminal. On the other hand, I am absolutely livid at her as I feel she's putting my DC and us at risk, and her moods and controlling, and at their father for being so passive. I'm worried for her, but it's her choice, not my choice for my family.

AIBU.

What can I (gently) day to her to convince her to shield and take this seriously.

In case people suggest - no we can't move out or live separate in any way for many reasons, and no their father likely won't step in as he is completely passive regards the virus anyway, refuses to tell her to go by rules regards DC.

The DC don't always say no to her. I try to get them to, and I hope they do.

My neighbour has lung cancer. She's not going to shield again, she's got a short time left and wants to make the most of it.

She knows what she is doing. You need to leave it alone.

So you're all working, kids are in school and you all live together? So it doesn't really matter what she does because if anyones gonna bring it into the household it's going to be the ones at school and work every day surely?

More importantly, this is her second time with lung cancer, I'm guessing she's at least in her 70s, she probably doesn't have long left, she shouldn't have to spend that sat at home on her own.

Her choice.
Let it be, it’s very much her funeral.

@ChaChaCha2012

My neighbour has lung cancer. She's not going to shield again, she's got a short time left and wants to make the most of it.

She knows what she is doing. You need to leave it alone.

As I said, I understand your neighbours perspective, however does your neighbour live with others??

@Pickypolly

Her choice. Let it be, it’s very much her funeral.

It's not just her choice though when we all live together, is it??

feel she's putting my DC and us at risk er no you are putting her at risk @howdoiapproachthissituation

@Nottherealslimshady

So you're all working, kids are in school and you all live together? So it doesn't really matter what she does because if anyones gonna bring it into the household it's going to be the ones at school and work every day surely?

More importantly, this is her second time with lung cancer, I'm guessing she's at least in her 70s, she probably doesn't have long left, she shouldn't have to spend that sat at home on her own.

I'm working and my work is very low risk, distanced, barely any contact between us, masks etc.

DC dad is her carer.

DC are in school, but only part time with work sent home on agreement with the school due to MIL condition - schools have been great, and they wear masks (they are just pre teen and teen).

Sorry, it’s her life you just have to let it go and let her do what she feels is the right balance of risk for her and the time she has left.

She's not the person risking bringing covid into the house though, that would be the people going to work and school. She's just choosing not to minimise the risk to herself.

It Absouletly is your mil right to decide if she wants to shield. She is an adult if she wants to go and see family then she can.

Your all working, your dc are at school. Far more likely to get Covid from there than mil visiting her family, she’s got cancer not in great health I mean really why should she not see family before death??

Just don’t hug or lick her, keep on top of home cleaning and washing hands for you and the dc. It’s all you can do

She may well die if she gets Covid, but for you & your dc unless she are vulnerable and failed to mention it are pretty near guaranteed to be fine.

Shes at more risk than all of you combined. I wouldn’t be pressuring her to shield if she doesn’t want to. Shielding is a recommendation, not mandatory. However, I would ask her to at least follow the mandatory rules for everyone regarding households, social distancing, handashing, mask wearing.

@AldiAisleofCrap

feel she's putting my DC and us at risk er no you are putting her at risk *@howdoiapproachthissituation*

We are not putting her at risk. We live there, have always lived there.

We do everything we can, I'm low risk, yet I haven't been anywhere indoors except work since March. DC dad only been to shops. Not seen my family.

Ok, it seems people think AIBU. I don't tbh. I am doing everything I can to reduce the risks for MIL and the lower risks for everyone else. I'm not advocating she not have been out and about within the rules before the was told to shield again - of course not - but she is literally visiting multiple households indoors multiple times a week, she's rarely in. We are in restriction area. Yet she goes mad if I ask her to stop, or at the very least, to stop insisting DC go with her and starting a mood if I say no, trying to override me.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Shes at more risk than all of you combined. I wouldn’t be pressuring her to shield if she doesn’t want to. Shielding is a recommendation, not mandatory. However, I would ask her to at least follow the mandatory rules for everyone regarding households, social distancing, handashing, mask wearing.

I'm not pressurising her to shield. I agree it would be bad for her mental health for her not to go for walks outdoors etc.

It's her choice not to shield at all though and just follow rules we all have. I get that completely.

It's more that she isn't following general guidelines regarding other households and distancing AT ALL. I suppose that's what's worrying me and pissing me off.

If you were facing the end of your life and someone kept trying to tell you that you weren't to go anywhere or do anything or spend time with your grandchildren outside the home, how would you react?

We are in an area where we've not been allowed in anyone elses households for maybe 8 weeks or more. Yet multiple times a week she is in other people's, and trying to get DC to go.

I try to gently suggest she meet people distanced and outdoors.

I suggest I pay for hackney cabs with screens rather than her going on multiple buses.

I don't know what else to do.

Its her choice surely? I think if I was in her shoes I wouldn't want to waste what might be the last years of my life anyway sat in my house.

As for putting your family at risk. The risk to your DC is absolutely miniscule (IIRC Prof David Spiegelhalter, the Oxford statistician who specialises in assessing medical risk, compared the mortality risk to kids to being struck by lightning). The risk to you and your DH is really quite small too. And ultimately if its her home, the onus is on you to move out if you don't like her way of life?

I'm going to be honest here. Are you concerned about your housing situation if MIL passes away? I'm just wondering if that's impacting subconsciously on your approach.

what is she doing when out? - a walk on her own or socially distant, or propping up the bar in a busy pub until 10pm/going to illegal raves?

If she is just out walking, seems fairly low risk compared to people in household out at work/school. Probably beneficial for her mental health, as well as the physical benefit of getting exercise.

So actually you are saying that she's breaking your local lockdown restrictions, despite the fact she's been told to shield and your children's education is being impacted.

I'd have a family conversation. Point out that she is breaking restrictions and that children are missing school to protect her. The children should go to school full time if their gran is mixing freely.

Sorry, I mightn't have been clear above. Ultimately what I'm getting it is that when you agree to merge households with another adult, who has been accustomed to living their own life independently, you kind of have to accept their autonomy....or ultimately go back to living apart. She isn't under your control

Leave the woman alone, as PPs have said you are more of a risk to he4 than she is to you. The likelihood of her passing on more than a cold, to you, is very slim but you could kill her very easily. She has lung cancer, why waste what time she has left rotting in the house just to satisfy you. Why is your OH her carer if she is capable of taking multiple buses and going out to visit friends and shopping alone?

@SomewhereEast

Its her choice surely? I think if I was in her shoes I wouldn't want to waste what might be the last years of my life anyway sat in my house.

As for putting your family at risk. The risk to your DC is absolutely miniscule (IIRC Prof David Spiegelhalter, the Oxford statistician who specialises in assessing medical risk, compared the mortality risk to kids to being struck by lightning). The risk to you and your DH is really quite small too. And ultimately if its her home, the onus is on you to move out if you don't like her way of life?

I'm going to be honest here. Are you concerned about your housing situation if MIL passes away? I'm just wondering if that's impacting subconsciously on your approach.

I understand the risk is small to my DC, however I've read other stuff which is more along the lines of 0.16%, not to mention long COVID. I try to keep an open mind, but it's something I want to avoid if possible, at least until more is known, good treatments etc.

No, nothing to do with housing. I think I wasn't clear with wording. When I say we live with her, I mean he owns the house (DC father, her son), not MIL, so I guess she lives with us. I would prefer we didn't live with her, but he prefers it and it wasn't a huge issue for me, so we do.

If you're worried about her influence/actions regarding your children and she doesn't want to shield then you should send them back to school full time.

We also live in a local lockdown area. We are following the rules but I can totally understand why, in her situation, she doesn't want to.

She is an adult and can determine what level of risk she is willing to accept. If you're worried about her exposing your DC's that's a separate conversation (and one you need to have an agreed line with DH by the sounds of it)

She needs help with stairs and at night times and with medications as she isn't good with organising them, also with housework. She is up and down obviously, when on chemo for periods and recovering from surgeries (not the past few months thankfully) then obviously she needs a lot of care, help washing, dressings, meals, complete housework.

He's not claiming anything anyway as my income cancels it out, so no need to worry yourself.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

what is she doing when out? - a walk on her own or socially distant, or propping up the bar in a busy pub until 10pm/going to illegal raves?

If she is just out walking, seems fairly low risk compared to people in household out at work/school. Probably beneficial for her mental health, as well as the physical benefit of getting exercise.

I'd totally support her going out walking, I'd encourage it!!

She's visiting indoors with all different households 2-5 times a week, getting public transport there.

Getting moody and arguing with me and sulking if I say the DC have not to go with her.

We are in an area where you are not permitted in others households and haven't been for a while now.

Fighting a losing battle with their dad, he won't stand up to her. So I'm always the bad guy.

I thought of trying to get counselling for her if she wants it, she had it before re the cancer and mental health. Perhaps this would help her understand the risks and why she should be careful and at least follow the general guidelines. Maybe meet people outdoors and distanced.

On one hand (perhaps selfishly, I don't know), I'm livid and struggling with that anger that she is putting my DC more at risk from her own choices when I'd rather try to avoid it as best we can for them too for the time being, at least til better treatments etc.