AIBU and to ask your advice on how to talk supposed to be shielding family member round

[howdoiapproachthissituation]

I really could do with advice.

My MIL - who we live with - has lung cancer for the second time, angina, COPD.

Despite shielding being officially paused, she's recently been told by her consultants to begin shielding again as we are in a high risk area and she's pretty much the most extreme high risk category.

She's always been a bit childlike and also a kind of head in the sand person, she can also go from 0-60 quick to anger. This isn't really about our relationship, I do like her and admire she's a loving and hard working person, although we've had many problems with her being controlling regards our DC, thinks she knows best, does stuff behind our backs etc.

On the first lockdown, she mostly stayed in although went for walks.

Since she's been told this though, she's refusing to follow any of the rules (we are in local lockdown area). Says "it's been going on too long", she's "fed up of it" etc. Someone she trusts told her it's nonsense. She doesn't watch news or use internet and just gets aggravated when me or DC try to tell her. No dementia or anything. Apart from her, we are very cautious and follow guidelines.

She is regularly visiting family members in their households with multiple other households present at times, going on public transport and to numerous shops (only against her consultants, not rules), not distancing from people.

She often tries to get DC to go with her (pre teen), even against my wishes when I'm at work, and argues and sulks if I try to challenge it. Their father passive and just lets her.

On one hand, I understand how scared she must be, she's faced cancer twice and she wants some normal life if it has a chance of returning and being terminal. On the other hand, I am absolutely livid at her as I feel she's putting my DC and us at risk, and her moods and controlling, and at their father for being so passive. I'm worried for her, but it's her choice, not my choice for my family.

AIBU.

What can I (gently) day to her to convince her to shield and take this seriously.

In case people suggest - no we can't move out or live separate in any way for many reasons, and no their father likely won't step in as he is completely passive regards the virus anyway, refuses to tell her to go by rules regards DC.

The DC don't always say no to her. I try to get them to, and I hope they do.

I think it's a real shame that your children's education and therefore socialising is curtailed for her benefit, but she won't meet you on this. I can understand your frustrations but have no suggestions. While she lives with you, she makes decisions for all of you. I'd hammer that home as often as possible.

Tbh, if I was getting on and had severe medical conditions, id probably take my chances. Going out and potentially catching covid may lead to my death, but thats inevitable and at least id have had some pleasure.

IMO shielding I this example is merely delaying the inevitable and making for a miserable life.

I'm not saying this for everybody-i have a family member in their 20s who has had to shield for cystic fibrosis. But she's got years ahead of her.

But that's my personal view on risk assessment.

Also there is a difference between engaging in behaviour that won't protect her, and engaging in behaviour that puts others at risk of spreading the virus. Fine, if she doesn't want to shield. It's not fine if she is turning up to visit people in their homes when it's not allowed. There are certain non negotiables, face masks, social distancing, adhering to local lockdown restrictions. Your desire to take public transport three times a day, or to sit in pubs and restaurants is your call, but the rest should be upheld.

There are three issues here. Firstly your MIL not shielding. That's up to her. If it comes into your household then she's most likely (by a long way) to become seriously ill. Let your dc go back to school full time.
Second issue is her breaking the rules. Unless you are going to report her there's not much you can do to stop her.
Third issue is your DH or DP. You describe him as the dc's dad and seem detached from him whilst he doesn't seem to stand up for you at all. It sounds like you aren't together. Are you stuck in the same house for financial reasons? Of all of the issues this sounds like the one you could resolve.

She’s an adult, presumably at least in her 70’s. You need to treat her like one. You only get one life and if I were in her state I’d get on and live it.

Send your kids back to school and if you’re that worried about the risk to you it’s time to move out. Are you living in her house or yours?

I’m assuming the OP doesn’t want to send the kids back to school as she’s avoiding the question? If this is the case, then she is benefiting from the MIL being in the house as it gives her an excuse not to.

Is she looking after your children while your at work as you'll say she's taking them out while at work. If this is the case and you're not happy with the childcare provided then you'll have to find alternative arrangements.

Do you live with her or does she live with you?