AIBU and to ask your advice on how to talk supposed to be shielding family member round

[howdoiapproachthissituation]

I really could do with advice.

My MIL - who we live with - has lung cancer for the second time, angina, COPD.

Despite shielding being officially paused, she's recently been told by her consultants to begin shielding again as we are in a high risk area and she's pretty much the most extreme high risk category.

She's always been a bit childlike and also a kind of head in the sand person, she can also go from 0-60 quick to anger. This isn't really about our relationship, I do like her and admire she's a loving and hard working person, although we've had many problems with her being controlling regards our DC, thinks she knows best, does stuff behind our backs etc.

On the first lockdown, she mostly stayed in although went for walks.

Since she's been told this though, she's refusing to follow any of the rules (we are in local lockdown area). Says "it's been going on too long", she's "fed up of it" etc. Someone she trusts told her it's nonsense. She doesn't watch news or use internet and just gets aggravated when me or DC try to tell her. No dementia or anything. Apart from her, we are very cautious and follow guidelines.

She is regularly visiting family members in their households with multiple other households present at times, going on public transport and to numerous shops (only against her consultants, not rules), not distancing from people.

She often tries to get DC to go with her (pre teen), even against my wishes when I'm at work, and argues and sulks if I try to challenge it. Their father passive and just lets her.

On one hand, I understand how scared she must be, she's faced cancer twice and she wants some normal life if it has a chance of returning and being terminal. On the other hand, I am absolutely livid at her as I feel she's putting my DC and us at risk, and her moods and controlling, and at their father for being so passive. I'm worried for her, but it's her choice, not my choice for my family.

AIBU.

What can I (gently) day to her to convince her to shield and take this seriously.

In case people suggest - no we can't move out or live separate in any way for many reasons, and no their father likely won't step in as he is completely passive regards the virus anyway, refuses to tell her to go by rules regards DC.

The DC don't always say no to her. I try to get them to, and I hope they do.

Fair enough. I think if she's moved in with you, than it is kind of 'your house, your rules'! I honestly would worry about her not you though

I must admit if I was you, the DCs would be straight off to school as normal though! Its completely pointless messing with their education & socialisation if she's going to catch it anyway round Cousin Edna's .

@PlanDeRaccordement

Shes at more risk than all of you combined. I wouldn’t be pressuring her to shield if she doesn’t want to. Shielding is a recommendation, not mandatory. However, I would ask her to at least follow the mandatory rules for everyone regarding households, social distancing, handashing, mask wearing.

This. She’s clearly decided that she prefers quality of life over quantity. Good for her.

I do worry about her, I do care about her, although we've had our battles over the years and we personality clash. I am beyond livid at her though at how we follow rules, DC follow rules, and she by her choices, puts them at more risk of catching it, which is a worry for me. I also worry a bit for DC dad as he's older than me. I worry how they will feel when she dies. It's important years in school for DC.

I'd be ok if she chose not to shield, I'd understand. It's the going to so many other people's houses visiting, against local restrictions, which is getting to me. That and the moodiness and painting me as the bad guy when I try to stop her taking DC.

Angry at OH as well. He does the rules himself, but is so passive regards MIL. He won't change or discuss it, nor will she.

I wish I could find a way to get through to her.

He's not claiming anything anyway as my income cancels it out actually your income is irrelevant , your dp can claim carers allowance if he earns below the threshold. He should look into it. @howdoiapproachthissituation

You need to send your children back to school full time and stop amending your children's behaviour to protect her. It's not fair on them to miss full time schooling in an important year to protect someone who doesn't want to protect themselves. It'll also mean your Dc will be less available to go visiting relatives and you might feel a bit less angry.
Best of luck, as usual you have a OH issue rather than MIl issue - can't she move with another relative who is also breaking rules for a short while?

@AldiAisleofCrap

He's not claiming anything anyway as my income cancels it out actually your income is irrelevant , your dp can claim carers allowance if he earns below the threshold. He should look into it. *@howdoiapproachthissituation*

Thanks we will look into it. I thought cause my income cancels out Universal Credit so we can't get, that other stuff would be out of the question.

MIL does get pension and attendance benefit.

You are not going to get through to her OP so maybe you need to make your peace with that.

She is not going to shield - she has made that decision as she is entitled to do. Therefore there is no need for the rest of the household to act as though she is shielding.

I understand you have your own level of fear of this virus as we all do. You need to do what is right for you and your do within that.

I would get the kids back into school full time. They need their education and shouldn't be deprived of this and the contact with their peers when it appears to be serving no purpose. This would also remove them from the house for more of the day - out of her reach. If they loose their education/social circles because of her and she dies anyway because of her own actions where does that leave you all? Unless they dislike school they are going to resent the situation soon.

Good luck up.

@howdoiapproachthissituation UC is household income , CA just the person claiming’s income. As your MIL lives with you any benefits she claims would not be affected by your dp claiming CA. Also it can be backdated for three months for any reason. @howdoiapproachthissituation

Yeah the part time school thing was originally set up in late Aug with the agreement of the schools, as they know the situation even previous to COVID and my DC are quite self motivated. She was out of shielding and local lockdown wasn't announced yet. Since she doesn't seem to give a crap I'll look into that.

Anyone any ideas how I can at least stop her taking DC to these indoor family and friends household visits??

Honestly the atmosphere if I say no, you could cut a knife through it. Disapproval like I'm a bad parent, tutting, moods, arguing with me that so and so told her it is all nonsense and there are other agendas. Sometimes she even takes them with her anyway even if I've said not to. They will sometimes say yes if I'm not there cause obviously a day out visiting appeals more than my telling them no it's against rules. DC know the rules fine well. I find out later. Their dad is useless, just lets it happen and refuses to discuss with me.

Her choice. There's nothing you can do about this.

Anyone any ideas how I can at least stop her taking DC to these indoor family and friends household visits??

Why do you want to? They’re at far less risk than she is.

Because it's breaking the conditions for spread in the area? Because the D.C. could be taking it into the homes of these people?

Try a passive aggressive 'oh wouldn't it be lovely! Unfortunately they can't because of the cv restrictions', 'oh what a nice idea! It would be awful if they spread cv around, what a terrible responsibility to have to live with'.

Or repeat the 'stay home, save a granny' thing that's been going around.

Otherwise, a serious conversation in a family meeting- look MiL, the kids can't go and see their own friends. It's a bit much to try and make them go and see yours when they should be at school!

You’re all enmeshed with MiL because she lives with you, which seems difficult and not a good set up for you and your DC.

A key problem sounds like your relationship with your H.

Did you / do you still actually want to live with MiL? If not, how can you change that?

Let her get on with it and send your DC to school. They'd be better off there.

The really big risk is not to you or your kids, it's to her. I would shrug my shoulders and let her get on with it. She's an adult and it's her life and her choice. "If that's what you want" and "it's your decision" and "well, I wouldn't do that but it's your life" on repeat. I know similar people and the more you try to change their minds the more they dig in.

The only way to stop her taking your children out is to stop her. Don't leave her alone in charge of the children. When you and DH are not there your children need to be at school, or you need an au pair or childminder. It doesn't sound as if she can be trusted to have charge of the children but if you and DH choose to leave her in charge of the children then it's up to her.

I don’t think you can do or say anything to MIL that you haven’t already tried, but you can talk to DC and tell them that the rules state they cannot visit any other house and that they have to abide by this. The other houses that MIL visit should also be not letting MIL come round. Have they tried reasoning with her. You are in a very difficult situation, I do feel for you and your MIL.

Send your kids back to school full time. You can't protect your MIL if she doesn't want to be protected and they're not much more likely to bring it home having been there part time anyway. Plus they shouldn't be in the middle of the adults bickering.

Your DC are missing school?!

Counselling?!
Perhaps this would help her understand the risks and why she should be careful

Do you honestly think she doesnt understand the risks? She's not a child!

You are not going to win here. From all your posts it's clear she won't change her mind, and you aren't her parent or daughter.
On a purely practical level, I'd forget what's 'right' or 'wrong' and try to make the best of the situation. You might as well let her get on with it, and just do your best with things you can control, such as things like hygiene in the house.
The alternative is an increasingly stressful atmosphere with no positive outcomes.

I find it really difficult to match up the idea of someone who needs help using the stairs in the home and who needs a lot of care, help washing, dressings, meals, complete housework, out walking to places, hopping on and off public transport and visiting all kinds of people.

Send your kids back to school full time, and leave her to it.

Anyone any ideas how I can at least stop her taking DC to these indoor family and friends household visits?

Yes, it's obvious. Send them back to school.

This reminds me why I expect to have very limited communication with my kids when I grow up. I will only tell them I've got something terminal when I'm on my death bed to avoid them trying to control my life.

COVID means I've already had an excessive lifetime dose of other people controlling my life.

I'd go bloody mad if she was taking the kids out without my permission, however I suppose you've got a dh problem if he just let's her.