Aibu - joint presents for Xmas and birthday

[Mothertocrazy91]

Hi wondering who is being unreasonable here !

• daughters birthday is within a few days of Xmas. Me and her dad are split up and I care for her alone ( he sees her maybe 3 times a year ) including her birthday.

He normally asks me for things she wants ( I provide most of the presents and treats / day our for birthday or party etc )

However it’s been bugging me for a few years that out of the stuff I list for him that she likes he genuinely picks one and gives it to her for both Xmas and birthday.

It really annoys me - he is a single guy living with parents with a full time job I just don’t see why he can’t get her a separate gift for both !

Don’t get me wrong other people do but I can’t say anything to them as we are thankful for the gift but he is her daughter.

Course you're not wrong but he's clearly a shit dad so theres no point you letting it get to you. You cant change him, and it'll just hurt your daughter more for you to get angry with him.

this type of people - they often try to save money on gifts when two people are nearby, it comes from childhood. rather, it was so pleasant in his environment and he considers this norm

you can try to convince such a guy, but it seems impossible

Does she mind? If she’s happy I can’t see the problem.

He sees his own child 3 times a year. Did you really expect better from him?

Of course you're not unreasonable but I'd be more annoyed he only bothers seeing her three times a year. He sounds like a complete deadbeat dad.

Yes that’s shit but he sees his daughter 3 times a year so what are you honestly expecting?

How old is your daughter? Could she ask him where her Xmas present is?

My DF was very much like this. I would see him 3 times a year - Xmas, Easter & birthday and I would always get £20 (or toy equivalent) and a card.
My DM used to joke I should "ask if he'd ever heard of inflation" and when I was about 10, I did. He just looked from me to her and laughed. And nothing changed! (He paid nothing towards my upbringing other than this £60 a year!)

Or when you send him ideas, say "x for birthday, y for Xmas"?
Or ask for 1 gift, but double what is usually spent?

"She'd like X for her birthday and Y for Christmas"

My birthday is 2 days before Christmas and joint presents we're crap as a child. But now I see it's usually a budget thing. Are all the things on her list more than he wants to spend? So it's a choice of 2 cheaper items she doesn't really want or one thing she really likes?

My sons birthday is Christmas day. And it's always 1 present for each, not joint present. We made that very clear when he was born.

Totally agree with pp , this year just say she will have x for her birthday and y for Christmas . Do his parents give her presents for both ?

This would bug me. But DH and I have different views.

My view if your birthday was mid year you wouldn't get joint gifts.

DH has a different view, Birthday close to Christmas means you can ask for joint more expensive gifts.

My logic is you know that December is expensive (inc 4 birthdays) so put a little away for it every month.

I think I'd point out to him why not give x for Birthday and y for Christmas

My birthday is Dec 25th and joint presents are shit. For me, it felt like I was somehow not worthy enough to have 2 presents a year like my siblings did. Having said that it's not as bad as getting a joint Christmas/birthday card though.

Does he pay maintenance and why only seeing her 3 times a year?
If he’s this crap just cut him out.

I’d say yes she would like X for her birthday and X for Christmas, no way should he just buy one gift. Don’t give him an option.

I used to get joint birthday/Christmas presents if I wanted something more expensive and that I think is fine at any age no matter when their birthday is. As a way of cost saving it's not fair though.

@GameSetMatch

I’d say yes she would like X for her birthday and X for Christmas, no way should he just buy one gift. Don’t give him an option.

This.

It's especially hard on those who have birthdays near Christmas as they miss out on having a party quite often. My cousin's second dc was a NY baby so I post her a card and gift on 27th Dec so she gets something something from the postman.

Your ex could do this.

My kid's birthdays are both within a week of Christmas. If be pissed off.

Only acceptable if it's a very expensive gift like a laptop imo but I'd still buy something heap like a selection box for Xmas

That’s not fair at all. DS has a December birthday and I’d be upset if someone got him a joint birthday/Christmas present. The only time it happened to me as a child (late nov birthday) was when I was 17 and I got a car!

I think the thing to ask is would you do the same if a childs birthday was in June? Just get one gift? If not it’s unreasonable to do it just because the birthday is close to Christmas

My mum is 73 and she is still sore that people did this to her through her childhood. That and birthday presents wrapped in Christmas paper.

She's generally very easy going and not at all demanding but this has really hurt her.

So, YANBU.

One of my sons birthdays is on Christmas Eve. We make the day absolutely nothing to do with Christmas at all, and only about his birthday. Separate presents ALWAYS.

Tell your ex to stop being such a stingey dad and get her 2 presents.

They are not expensive things on the list
Things like a

Roblox figure set
Cluedo
Etc

The answer to the question about what does his parents buy her - she has never had an xmas or birthday present from them.

Him and his mum turn up every birthday as a point, I think this is why it’s always a Birthday present and not an Xmas present as he likes to prove to people when he is present that he is a good dad.