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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - joint presents for Xmas and birthday

53 replies

Mothertocrazy91 · 10/10/2020 15:48

Hi wondering who is being unreasonable here !

  • daughters birthday is within a few days of Xmas. Me and her dad are split up and I care for her alone ( he sees her maybe 3 times a year ) including her birthday.

He normally asks me for things she wants ( I provide most of the presents and treats / day our for birthday or party etc )

However it’s been bugging me for a few years that out of the stuff I list for him that she likes he genuinely picks one and gives it to her for both Xmas and birthday.

It really annoys me - he is a single guy living with parents with a full time job I just don’t see why he can’t get her a separate gift for both !

Don’t get me wrong other people do but I can’t say anything to them as we are thankful for the gift but he is her daughter.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 10/10/2020 17:19

Why do you put up with this behaviour @Mothertocrazy91

VinylDetective · 10/10/2020 17:31

@Floralnomad

Why do you put up with this behaviour *@Mothertocrazy91*
What can she do about it?
Original poster
Mothertocrazy91 · 10/10/2020 18:00

I can’t really do anything about it. I can not control them. Trust me I haven’t just agreed with it and not said anything !

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 10/10/2020 18:09

@VinylDetective I’d be tempted to move house and not give them a forwarding address or phone number ! On a more serious note as I’ve no experience of this can you not take him to court and force either regular contact or none at all as I can’t see how it’s any benefit to a child having a parent dropping in and out on such an irregular basis .

iolaus · 10/10/2020 18:12

YANBU

However if the present is much bigger in price than he would spend otherwise for an individual gift I think he can ask her what she would prefer - but then still get something small for the other one. So for example my son's birthday in 5 days before christmas a few years back he asked for a PS4 as a joint present - so he had the PS4 for his birthday and less for xmas than his siblings but had a game and headset for his xmas

olivesnutsandcheese · 10/10/2020 18:22

Why don't you suggest quite expensive presents then, to cover both birthday and Christmas Wink

Jellytottheif · 10/10/2020 18:25

My DS is 10 months. Thankfully born early so his birthday is Nov not December. As ungrateful as I know this is, is I’m 100% honest, I’ll be annoyed if people get him one present instead of two just because his birthday happens to be at the end of the week year.

Both my niece and nephew are December babies, there have been some years I’ve had plenty of money and others I’ve been skint. Sometimes they’ve had token gifts and other years I’ve been able to spoil them. It’s not about money.

I just don’t think he should be treated differently just because his birthday is near Christmas.

I’d be furious if his father did this. You really should say something. However you must also accept that if he only has a certain budget for gifts, it may be to be two gifts of less value. For me it’s not about the amount spent bit more the gesture.

How old is DD? Do you provide a range of ideas in terms of cost?

Bbang · 10/10/2020 18:25

What a stingy man. Tell him ‘she wants x for her birthday and x for Christmas thanks, oh and don’t forget the cards!’ Does he pay maintenance?

eatsleepread · 10/10/2020 18:25

YANBU. You sound ace and he's a total loser.
Star

TheWernethWife · 10/10/2020 18:26

My son's birthday is on 2th Dec. He has always had a Christmas present and two days later a birthday present.

When he was a teenager he mentioned how close his birthday was so we told him to be like the queen and have 2 birthdays, he could have 27th June if he wanted - heard no more.

Emeraldshamrock · 10/10/2020 18:27

Yanbu. He is being stingy taking the easy option in every way he can with visitation and gifts.
Tell him he is a useless tight ass.
He could wrap a small gift separately.

Oysterbabe · 10/10/2020 18:28

Can you just say to him

She doesn't like her birthday being lumped in with Christmas, please can you buy separate gifts?

Pixxie7 · 10/10/2020 18:29

My daughter birthday is the 17th, I have always treated them separately even to the extent of putting the decorations up on the 18th. So unless he is buying something major, he should definitely treat them separately.

PoodleMoth · 10/10/2020 18:30

Send him a list of 4 things 1 for him to get for birthday, 1 for Christmas and the same for his mum. He's a dick and so is his mum for eveything but even more so for turning up empty handed every birthday!

Original poster
Mothertocrazy91 · 10/10/2020 18:33

We have been trying to cut him out for a long time but due to her being under social ( not for protection issues but because of disability ) they always encourage me to keep the relationship open between them so I always feel a bit stuck.

OP posts:
picosandsancerre · 10/10/2020 18:34

Thats bloody awful. My DS has a birthday around Xmas and we always ensure his birthday is celebrated and do separate presents. Does he give her a birthday card?

Witchend · 10/10/2020 18:37

Does he get a bigger gift though?
My dc's birthdays aren't anywhere near Christmas, but we have a budget for presents and if they want something that's more sometimes it will count as for both.

Original poster
Mothertocrazy91 · 10/10/2020 18:37

@picosandsancerre I don’t remember him ever giving her a Xmas or birthday card. Her last birthday he didn’t come as usual as she was in hospital I’m not sure why that meant he couldn’t come. He rang at about 9 o’clock to say happy birthday but didn’t send a card etc
And has never bought a card with him previous years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mothertocrazy91 · 10/10/2020 18:38

@Witchend
Last year it was a Nintendo’s switch game ( not the the console ) the game.

I think the same as the year before acutely think it was minecraft switch game.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 10/10/2020 18:38

I would double his budget and list more expensive gifts.

User0ne · 10/10/2020 19:29

Ask for more expensive items and pursue through CMS. Working ft and living with parents; loaded but a man child

randomsabreuse · 10/10/2020 19:52

My Birthday is in June, DH's is in May. We both had Christmas and Birthday presents together from time to time (if we wanted something big!)

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 19:58

I’m fifty one years old. My birthday is the 23 December. I grew up in poverty and an abusive home

And even i, never once in my fifty one years had someone give me a present for both, never once, my friends, my family, all, always, recognised both,

For me, it’s a special kinda low to Chuck someone a present and say here it’s for your birthday and Xmas. What that says is the whole thing is a chore. The gift and card are grudged.

Random, that’s nice dear, but you do recognise we are talking about a child here right?

Maray1967 · 10/10/2020 20:11

We bought for a close friend’s child until18 whose birthday is 21 Dec and always gave a separate birthday gift plus the Christmas gifts for her and brother. Maybe when older, kids might prefer one bigger gift, but I always wanted to treat her the same as other children we buy for and treat her birthday as something special for her .

randomsabreuse · 10/10/2020 20:23

@bluntness100

I meant when we were kids. About 10 or so, things like bikes, musical instruments rather than frivolities. Think DH had one bike for 2 Christmases and 2 Birthdays!