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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can be a perfectly good step parent without loving your DSC?

55 replies

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 11:16

AIBU to think not loving or loving like your own, your step children doesn't = evil step parent.

I've struggled with this idea as I just don't feel love but I think I'm a very good step parent. I do a lot of the children, we get on really well, they like me, I like them, we have a laugh. But I certainly don't think of them as my children or love them, certainly not like my own anyway.

These are just internal musings of course, all children are treated fairly and equally and I'd never mention any of this to DH because there would be no point.

Is it really a necessary perquisite to being a good step parent?

OP posts:
Original poster
PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 11:18

A lot *for the children

*Prerequisite

Excuse typos!

OP posts:
Ccccchanges · 10/10/2020 11:20

YANBU - completely agree.

user1487194234 · 10/10/2020 11:30

YANBU
IMO it would be stranger to love SC as much as your own children

ohnothisagain · 10/10/2020 11:34

Especially if the step children still have a mother, loving them
as your own might do more harm than good (not that you could help it).
Liking them a lot and supporting them is awesome!

LindaEllen · 10/10/2020 11:35

YANBU at all.

My stepson was 14 when I met DP. Far too old to create any real bond with him, too old to really need 'looking after' beyond general household tasks like cooking, washing etc.

I think stepparents who end up really 'loving' their stepkids do so because they end up having such a huge involvement in their lives when they were younger.

I get on with my stepson, help him out whenever he needs it, give him advice on college/uni decisions etc - but I don't love him. I mean, I'd never feel the need to say that to his face because there's just no point, and I'm sure he doesn't love me either! He has not only his own mum and stepdad (who has been in his life MUCH longer than me, therefore a much stronger bond) but also a step mum who was in his life from when he was 4 until 13, so again, a much much stronger bond. He doesn't NEED another mother figure in his life .. but I will always be there when needed, and will make sure he's always got a safe space to be in our home, however old he is.

Merryoldgoat · 10/10/2020 11:36

I think it’s the actions that matter. If you treat them well, equally and fairly then I think that’s what’s important.

AmIACowBag · 10/10/2020 11:40

YANBU I have 3. I like them and would protect them but i don't actually even love them. I see them more than I see my nephew but I love my nephew on the same scale as my own kids (or very close to it).

Howlooseisyourgoose · 10/10/2020 11:41

YANBU, as long as you treat them them all the same. As ohno says, especially if they have a loving mum/dad.

I think if if you're a permanent 24/7 SDM/SDF to a young child that doesn't have a mum/dad then I think you would make more effort to love the child.

CakeGirl2020 · 10/10/2020 11:43

Of course you can! You don’t have to love them, they aren’t you dc. All you need to be is kind to them, and treat them as you’d wish your dc to be treated.

FunDragon · 10/10/2020 11:44

YANBU.

In my very limited experience stepparents who love their stepchildren like their own a) typically became stepparents to the children when the kids were very young and b) assumed the role of the parent because the parent wasn’t present. So I have a friend who loves her stepfather like a father and vice versa because her father died when she was a baby, her stepfather married her mother when she was 3, and he assumed the role of father figure in her life and raised her. But that’s not a typical situation.

I think liking your stepchildren, being kind to them, doing things with them, and treating them fairly is being a good stepparent.

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/10/2020 11:44

I agree! You can like them very much without needing to feel the love that a parent does.

sandragreen · 10/10/2020 11:48

YANBU

I wonder if men have the same self doubt and guilt about these things? I am assuming your children are yours with DH? If not, do you think he would feel bad about not loving your DC the same as his own?

It is enough to be kind and welcoming and inclusive. To consider their needs and be patient. I say all this as someone who has had step mothers, has been a step mother, and my own children now have a step mother.

MsEllany · 10/10/2020 11:52

YANBU. I say that as a stepmum that does love my stepchild, but I acknowledge it’s different.

Milkshake7489 · 10/10/2020 11:54

I don't think you can help your feelings so in that respect YANBU.

BUT I do think it's important for children to feel loved by their step parents. I know I would be devastated to find out that my step mum dosent love me, even as an adult.

(That being said, she's been in my life since I was a small child... who knows how I'd feel if I'd met her at say 16...).

amusedtodeath1 · 10/10/2020 11:54

As long as you care about and for them and don't treat them differently to any bio kids then you don't need to love them like a parent would.

You sound like an awesome step-mum tbh.

Couchbettato · 10/10/2020 11:57

You don't have to love any one if you don't want to. You don't even have to like just any one. As long as you're well behaved and civil and try to be the best person you can be with them.

I don't think being a relative in any way to someone automatically means you have to love them or like them.

Love51 · 10/10/2020 12:00

My husband's step mum is amazing. She loves him and his brother in her own way but obviously it isn't the same as the love she has for her own kids. She's a fab Granny and a positive supportive influence in all our lives. We are all very much family and would and do go out of our way for each other. It isn't the same as either the primal bond of childbirth and early care, or the level of responsibility you have when you adopt. The stepkids aren't hers, she didn't choose lots of elements about their life that she chose for her own kids. In that way it is a slightly more relaxed relationship!
Possibly step mums who step in if the actual mum is absent feel differently. My brother is a step dad - he raised some of his step kids, and I think he feels differently to how he does about the older ones who had an involved dad and were mid / late teens when he first met them. He's not a dad figure to them, he's mums husband who is nice enough but not really their close family, more like an in law.

SandyY2K · 10/10/2020 12:05

Of course, it's possible to be a good stepparent, without loving your SC.

I really don't believe you could love a SC like your own, unless your own DC .

As long as you treat them nicely and with respect.

I don't think equality is realistic either. For example you may spend more on your child's gift or buy more stuff for your own child. That's only natural, but what you wouldn't do, is display this in front of your SC.

August20 · 10/10/2020 12:10

YANBU

But I think it varies enormously based on circumstances.

E.g. if you raised the step-child solely in your house since infancy and the mother (or father if you are a man) of the child passed away when the baby was very young, I think you would be more likely to really love the step-child like your own. I think in those circumstances it would be pretty odd if you didn't love them at some level.

If you come into their life later or if they have two very involved parents I think it's very normal not to feel that same bond.

AnEleanor · 10/10/2020 12:17

I don’t have kids or step kids so I really don’t know whether pps are being unreasonable or not - like a pp said you can’t help how you feel - but I am surprised by these replies. I have a stepdad who only came into my life when I was 17 - so not a lot of opportunity for him to ‘parent’ me. BUT you realise your step kids will be in your life for the rest of it? I can’t say I loved my stepdad when I was 17 but I do now - he is the only father figure I have had in my adult life and he will certainly be more of a grandad to any kids I have than my actual dad. Although this is an example with men I don’t see why it HAS to be different for women.

longcoffee · 10/10/2020 12:17

I love my two step daughters, I genuinely do. They live with us, and I treat them as my own.

However. I had my daughter last month, who was born sleeping. I didn't think it was possible to feel the love I do for her - it's just a different type of love. All consuming. I honestly didn't realise I would feel so differently about her as I do them.

I've been beating myself up about it but I've come to the conclusion that the girls don't realise there is any difference in my feelings, and I don't treat them any differently now, to how I did a month ago.

I was up last night with the teenager, holding her hair back as she was sick, and staying with her until she fell asleep, and I'm confident that she felt loved and protected. That's no different to how I would have treated my daughter.

Booboobibles · 10/10/2020 12:26

Maybe love will develop over time. And also, I think it’s partly to do with responsibility....as others have said, you’d probably love them if they didn’t have their own mother. I love my dogs because they’re my responsibility.

It works the other way around....they probably don’t love you but if you became their main carer then they probably would.

You sound like a good step mum...I’m sure the kids have a great time with you.

August20 · 10/10/2020 12:26

@AnEleanor

BUT you realise your step kids will be in your life for the rest of it?

I know several families where someone was a step-parent but that marriage ended. Sometimes the ex-step-parent stayed in contact with the kids but I know one woman who had been a step-mother for seven or eight years but never saw the kids again after the divorce.

everybodysang · 10/10/2020 12:27

YANBU but I do love my stepchildren. It took a while though - and it's not the same as the love I feel for my daughter. I have been in their lives since they were 4 and 7 and they are now 17 and 20. I had to fake it at times, but they do also have a loving dad and a loving mum and so I thought hard about my role in their lives. It really was hard sometimes but I think we've done a good job.
I didn't quite realise the depth of my feeling for them until a couple of things happened - DSS got into a very prestigious university on a very sought after course and when DH called me to tell me he'd got the A level results to get in I was on a train to work and sobbed my heart out to the extent that the whole carriage knew what had happened by the time I had finished. It was both mortifying and lovely.
And DD was abroad at the start of lockdowns and we had to work hard and pull together to get her back as borders were closing - it was nightmarish and frightening and when she text to say she had landed at the airport and was with her mum I felt a kind of relief and emotion I've rarely experienced.

Imissmoominmama · 10/10/2020 12:28

I hope my (step)Dad loves me as much as he does my brother and sister. I adore him. He certainly appears to.

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