To think you can be a perfectly good step parent without loving your DSC?

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AIBU to think not loving or loving like your own, your step children doesn't = evil step parent.

I've struggled with this idea as I just don't feel love but I think I'm a very good step parent. I do a lot of the children, we get on really well, they like me, I like them, we have a laugh. But I certainly don't think of them as my children or love them, certainly not like my own anyway.

These are just internal musings of course, all children are treated fairly and equally and I'd never mention any of this to DH because there would be no point.

Is it really a necessary perquisite to being a good step parent?

Agree. I had a step mum who absolutely didn’t love me, nor even liked me, but she showed it. I think if you treat your DCs fairly and understand the necessity of them maintaining a close relationship with your DH, then that’s all that’s needed. I honestly don’t know if I could love someone else’s DCs as much as my own.

Yanbu. I do actually love my dsd, but it is not the same love as the unconditional love I have for my own dc. I love her as a stepdaughter, in her own right, and will always do what I can to help her out and ensure she knows she's a member of our family too. And for what it's worth, she knows I don't love her in the same way and is perfectly happy with that - she has a mum of her own and I've never sought the same relationship they have. She is, however, a sister to our dc. We never, ever differentiate between 'full' and 'half' siblings.

YANBU

Everyone is different. I 100% love my DSD, but I’ve been in her life since she was 2. She doesn’t remember me not being there. Ditto for her Stepdad. She just sees it as she has four parents who love her. But I can see how it would be different if you met them when they were older etc.

I think it depends on the circumstances and the age of the children. For children over a certain age (maybe around 12?), they are at the stage where they're trying to push away from their embarrassing parents and gain some independence. The last thing they need is another figure trying to assume a 'parental' role so the best step-relationship is probably to be a sympathetic and caring friend (assuming they treat you with respect).

With younger children, I can't imagine not growing to love, or at least care deeply about, little people who I was helping to raise and spending a lot of time with. Yes, there are some days when you don't feel it or have to fake it, but that's the same for biological children too. I don't think little children can ever have too much love... Most behavioural and other issues seem to be caused by a lack of love and security being provided by caregivers so I would try very hard to love them even if their behaviour was challenging.

I think you are absolutely correct op.

A good teacher can advise, help shape lives and be a very positive influence on a child. They don't love them.

As long as you are fond of your step child you can be a positive addition to the family. Problems start if you actively dislike a child or are very indifferent to them. Much like a teacher too. Kids pick up on that negativity.