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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you can be a perfectly good step parent without loving your DSC?

55 replies

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 11:16

AIBU to think not loving or loving like your own, your step children doesn't = evil step parent.

I've struggled with this idea as I just don't feel love but I think I'm a very good step parent. I do a lot of the children, we get on really well, they like me, I like them, we have a laugh. But I certainly don't think of them as my children or love them, certainly not like my own anyway.

These are just internal musings of course, all children are treated fairly and equally and I'd never mention any of this to DH because there would be no point.

Is it really a necessary perquisite to being a good step parent?

OP posts:

bumblingbovine49 · 10/10/2020 12:33

I know this is not a popular view but I strongly believe that loving a child ( in all the ways that matter) is a choice we make not a feeling. Parental feelings of love are things we can't control and the only thing they do for that child is make it easier for the parent to behave in a loving way. The child is usually only interested in the way love is expressed towards them.

I think it is much harder to choose to love a step child so most people don't make the effort ( and I am not saying they should, often the child has plenty of other people who love them).

When I say 'make the effort', I mean the effort to get close to the child, to find areas of common interest and to be genuinely interested in their inner world. To really try to see to things from their point if view. I think if you do that enough often love for a step child can grow. If that was not possible why do people say they love their adopted older childen.?

Most worthwhile acts of love are a choice I think but our era is obsessed with romantic feeling type love so we idolise it and value it above other types of love. I think the type of love some people describe about their children is similar to our idea of romantic love, feelings of being besotted and euphoria etc.

So in summary you can be a perfectly adequate stepparent without feelings of overwhelming love for a stepchild but I think you are a better stepparent if you actively try to foster those feelings even if they never actually ever develop. It is the act of trying to foster those feelings and that closeness that makes a good step parent to me . Sometimes that behaviour even results in having loving feelings but even if it doesn't , the behaviour itself is loving

Crystal87 · 10/10/2020 17:50

I think if you're the step parent that lives with the children most of the time and you're a family, then yes you need to love the child for it to work. Kids aren't stupid and would pick up on it. Your partner also would and it would affect your relationship. My husband is not my older 3 children's natural father but he has been around since they were babies/ toddlers and he loves them as much as the child we have together. Their biological father is not involved in their life, so my husband is their father in everything but blood.
I think it's different if they were seeing their dad's girlfriend or wife every other weekend. I wouldn't expect someone that didn't see them regularly or live with them to love them.

Original poster

PicturePerfectSortOf · 10/10/2020 18:01

I'm not sure about the regular contact Vs EOW as my DSC are with us 50:50 so they do spend a lot of time here but I still wouldn't say I love them and definitely not like my own. I also don't consider them my children. They have a mother so to me, they don't need to be mothered by me as well.

I agree it probably depends hugely on individual situations.

I think if I were to go from @bumblingbovine49 POV then I do make the effort described there.

But I do know any feeling I have will never be comparable to my own child, that doesn't feel like a choice to me.

I also don't necessarily subscribe to the belief that children and partners will always know 100% if you feel this way. I don't think that's true. I think my DSC would say yes if you asked if they felt loved by me and I am fairly certain my husband would say the same.

I guess I just don't think outward actions and personal feelings have to always be linked.

OP posts:

DotForShort · 10/10/2020 18:44

For me, it depends on a variety of factors, including how old the child was when the stepparent entered his/her life, how much contact they have, etc. Personally, I wouldn't marry a man with children (under the age of 18 or thereabouts) if I didn't love those children. If they were already adults when the relationship began, that might be a completely different scenario.

I do think it is entirely possible to be a decent stepparent without loving the stepchildren. But speaking only for myself, that is not the kind of relationship I would want with SC. Also, I strongly disagree with the idea that a person will always love biological children more than SC. But as they say, YMMV.

dontdisturbmenow · 11/10/2020 08:23

How long have you been a SM OP.

I think in situation like yours, when you like your SCs and they like you, love comes at some point, it just takes a long longer. It took me becoming a young adult for my SM to live me. She didn't even like me as a child. I believe she now loves me as much as my half sister although probably slightly differently.

Of course you don't have to live your SC to be a good SM, and aid say it's probably for the best in the first couple of years. If it grows afterwards, it's totally organic.

AuntieStella · 11/10/2020 08:31

I think kindness and warmth towards people are underrated qualities.

You care more about them than for unconnected DC, don't you? You'd step up if they needed you? You're doing fine

Original poster

PicturePerfectSortOf · 11/10/2020 08:37

How long have you been a SM OP

Me and DH together 5 years.

OP posts:

SweatyBetty20 · 11/10/2020 08:42

@longcoffee I’m so sorry for your loss. And you sound like an amazing mum - step or not.

zatarontoast · 11/10/2020 08:42

YANBU but it works both ways too. A child can appear to like you very much but in reality it's through circumstance not through true feelings and that can lead to hurt. I'm a step child, have a step mother and even have step grandparents. My grandmother for example was a really good step mother (their mother died whilst they were young) and step grandmother, she made no difference whatsoever. When my (step but considered him) dgf died we were horrified to receive a letter to say my 2 step aunties wanted nothing more to do with us. This was devastating as we lost them and our beloved cousins and dgm list her much loved 3 dgc. Equally I am very civil and polite with my dsm and she has done a lot for me but I don't really have any feelings for her. Its a bit sad really!

Original poster

PicturePerfectSortOf · 11/10/2020 08:44

but it works both ways too

Of course it does, I don't expect my step children to love me or love me like their own mother. They probably don't and that's fine. So long as we all get along and treat each other nicely that's more than enough for me.

OP posts:

AlohaMolly · 11/10/2020 08:44

I think there are different types of love and not all of them are as all consuming and fiery as the biological imperative that is loving your own DC. I don’t have a choice about loving DS4, it’s tied to the blood in my veins. There are times when it would have been perfectly acceptable in any other circumstances for me to cut ties and walk away from DS you wouldn’t expect me to stay with a boyfriend that woke me up every two hours would you??

Before DS I was a nursery teacher and there were some pupils that I loved fiercely and would have (and did) put myself in harms way to protect them.

I have friends that I love deeply that I have chosen to support through difficult times even when it’s boring/awkward etc.

All that is just my way of saying I think love is many things and shown in many ways. I would say that you love your SC OP, from what you’ve said.

riotlady · 11/10/2020 08:48

I think it depends on the circumstances really. I saw my stepmum every other weekend and she was pretty young, we got along fine but she obviously never loved me and vice versa. I lived with my mum and stepdad full time from the age of 5 and they had another child together and I think
I would have felt even lonelier and more pushed out than I already did if I didn’t feel like my stepdad loved me. And you can feel it, when someone loves you.

The whole “oh you they already have two parents that love them” thing doesn’t count for so much when you have two places you live but neither feel like your proper home and family. It sucks to feel second best everywhere.

But yes, for older children and when it’s not their primary home I don’t think it matters so much.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 11/10/2020 08:53

You might find that you do love them without actually realising that you do. You might not be able to tell unless they were in danger or very upset and the strength of your own feelings might surprise you.
I'm not a step mum but I have responsibility for a teenager, who was nearly grown when I met her. I don't feel exactly the same as I do for my own DC and I think that's natural, but I definitely feel love and worry about her and want the best for her. Sometimes feeling creeps up on you without you realising it.

DisneyMillie · 11/10/2020 08:55

I think it depends on circumstances. I’m pretty sure my (10 yo) dd’s stepmum doesn’t love her but she’s nice, caring and looks after her when dd visits her dad. But as he lives a fair distance away and mainly comes to see us here she only sees her stepmum a few times a year so there’s no need for love and it works fine.

On the other hand my dh has been in dds life since she was 3 and has effectively raised her with me - he’s the one who makes parenting decisions with me not her dad (dad is fine with that) and if he didn’t love her I don’t think it would work especially since obviously he loves our 4 year old.

PinkAndFabulous · 11/10/2020 09:06

I love mine the same as my own but I guess it is possible to stepparent successfully without loving them but I just can't imagine that.

Original poster

PicturePerfectSortOf · 11/10/2020 09:11

See I just cannot imagine loving them like I do mine, I really can't.

Maybe I do love them in my own way as others have suggested. But it is not anywhere near the level I feel for my own DC and I honestly can't picture that ever developing.

I met them when they were sort of mid primary age though so not babies or toddlers so maybe that has something to do with it.

OP posts:

1940s · 11/10/2020 09:12

For those who don't love their SC, do you love your nieces / nephews?

Original poster

PicturePerfectSortOf · 11/10/2020 09:13

@1940s

For those who don't love their SC, do you love your nieces / nephews?

I don't have any so can't answer that.

OP posts:

PinkAndFabulous · 11/10/2020 09:15

Mine was 8 when I met her and there was just an instant bond. DP commented on it immediately and it's just got stronger ever since.
As I said though, I don't think it's bad not to feel that way. As long as the child is treated with fairness and kindness which clearly they are.

1940s · 11/10/2020 09:21

I certainly don't think it's bad that you don't love your SC as you long as you treat them the same as your own children.

However I love my nieces and nephews even on husbands side that I have no blood relation too.

I would never claim to be able to love anyone as much as I love my bio children.

Greenandcabbagelooking · 11/10/2020 09:21

I really like my step mum, who I first met aged 11, although she and my Dad had been seeing one another for about a year before I met her. I knew that she was another adult I could talk to, and that she cared about me, and wanted the best for me. I wasn’t sure that I loved her, or vice versa.

Then when I went off to uni, I realised that out of my two parents and two step parents, she’s the only one who finishes a phone call with “love you”.

Porcupineinwaiting · 11/10/2020 09:22

I think it depends on the situation. Being the less loved child in a family is pretty shit in a household you spend a lot of time in. Whereas it's a very different a situation when you only see your dad and stepmum eow, there are no resident children and you have a pleasant relationship with her. Being the outsider is never nice.

Enko · 11/10/2020 09:25

As a step child I would say it is important to feel LIKED by your stepparents loved not so much. Great if it happens but not necessarily needed to have a happy childhood and good relationship

Oneandzero · 11/10/2020 09:34

@PicturePerfectSortOf

See I just cannot imagine loving them like I do mine, I really can't.

Maybe I do love them in my own way as others have suggested. But it is not anywhere near the level I feel for my own DC and I honestly can't picture that ever developing.

I met them when they were sort of mid primary age though so not babies or toddlers so maybe that has something to do with it.

Of course you won’t love them like your own children. Incomprehensible to me to love anyone Like my own children.

As for not loving them at all - you can’t force love just because of circumstances.

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet · 11/10/2020 09:37

It's a difficult relatonship. If the kids have their own mother then you will never have the same responsibility or lifelong bond than they would have with her so it's natural not to feel the same. If you were to get divorced from DH they might fade out of your life. Likewise if an important decision had to be made it would be DH's and their mothers not yours.

I do think it's vital they feel totally comfortable in your home.There should be no resentment and should always be welcome.

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