To ask what is a reasonable expectation

fmlfmlfmlfm · 2020-10-10T06:39:32+00:00

I've had an almighty bust up with my son. I spent 40 minutes writing the post for it to get lost due to username issues. So very quickly If your child was 17, working part time, at college part time , does their own washing and deals with their own room, quite independent re sorting food etc and doesn't get charged any rent and you pay for their travel to college etc What would a reasonable expectation be of them in your house? To clarify - your rules over Curfew Smoking weed Chores Having gf to stay I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable in my expectations. I'm

formerbabe · 10/10/2020 07:41

Weed...never

The rest are negotiable

Dear god, I'm dreading this

CheshireDing · 10/10/2020 07:43

I certainly would not have anyone smoking anything in my house

Original poster

fmlfmlfmlfm · 10/10/2020 07:43

Basically I've ended up throwing him out and there was an altercation between us. I absolutely hate weed and discovered it in his room during a 4 day isolation by smell but it's one of the many factors that's lead to an altercation (and an inexcusable act on my behalf which I feel terrible for)

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/10/2020 07:51

Throwing him out sounds bad. To where?

Curfew - maybe 5/6 nights a week, but I don’t think a late night on a weekend is unreasonable if he comes in quietly
Smoking weed - no
Chores - yes, should be doing some
Having gf to stay - yes, if respectful

HandfulofDust · 10/10/2020 07:54

I wouldn't want anyone smoing weed in the house. Realistically at 17 if he smokes weed you won't be able to stop him but the smell is persistent and it's totally reasonable not to want it in the house. At 17 if he's responsible I wouldn't mind too much about a curfew as long as he's getting to college and doesn't wae up the entire house when he comes in. Likewise I'd be happy to have the girlfriend to stay over as long as they're considerate (i.e. not making noise and mess, not having her move in and eat all your food etc).

HandfulofDust · 10/10/2020 07:55

Throwing him out sounds very extreme.

RonObvious · 10/10/2020 07:57

@HandfulofDust

Throwing him out sounds very extreme.

Was just about to post the same.

Original poster

fmlfmlfmlfm · 10/10/2020 07:58

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

Throwing him out sounds bad. To where?

Curfew - maybe 5/6 nights a week, but I don’t think a late night on a weekend is unreasonable if he comes in quietly
Smoking weed - no
Chores - yes, should be doing some
Having gf to stay - yes, if respectful

To my mums.... he's ended up going to his girlfriends. It's more of a go somewhere else for a week so you appreciate what you have...

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Girlintheframe · 10/10/2020 07:58

Curfew - none at aged 17

Weed - none negotiable

Chores- none negotiable

Girlfriend - negotiable

Original poster

fmlfmlfmlfm · 10/10/2020 08:00

@HandfulofDust

I wouldn't want anyone smoing weed in the house. Realistically at 17 if he smokes weed you won't be able to stop him but the smell is persistent and it's totally reasonable not to want it in the house. At 17 if he's responsible I wouldn't mind too much about a curfew as long as he's getting to college and doesn't wae up the entire house when he comes in. Likewise I'd be happy to have the girlfriend to stay over as long as they're considerate (i.e. not making noise and mess, not having her move in and eat all your food etc).

She was with us for lockdown. No chores. The weed thing I only discovered a few weeks ago and because of his future career I'm dead against... but big difference between having a bit out with your mates to having it in the house and it stinking (I'm pregnant with a nose like a Doberman they weren't smoking in the house) but I found it very disrespectful

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year5teacher · 10/10/2020 08:02

I wouldn’t throw them out over weed. That’s a great way of ensuring they never speak to you again about drugs, and I’d imagine you want an open dialogue about that.
The issue with reacting extremely to it and acting as if all drugs are absolutely awful is that teenagers will likely still try them and then when they don’t have an awful experience they’ll think everything they’ve been told about drugs was bollocks. It’s better to try and have an open honest conversation where they can actually come to you with questions and worries rather than flying off the handle because then they know they can’t talk to you about it.

That said I wouldn’t accept weed being smoked in the house, but honestly a 17 year old smoking a bit isn’t abnormal. The risk is obviously buying it can be unsafe depending on who he’s getting it from, and if he’s caught it’s not good (he’ll probably only get a caution but still). You can also be dependent on it. My rule would be not in my house.

Walkacrossthesand · 10/10/2020 08:03

To people saying 'throwing out is extreme' - if 'not smoking weed here' is non-negotiable, and is met with point-blank refusal to comply, the only possible sanction is an end to living there.

That's the harsh reality up front - we see so many posts here from people who haven't firmly enforced such boundaries, and the response is always that they should - not 'throwing out is a bit extreme'!

I imagine it's bloody difficult. Sympathies, fml.

KihoBebiluPute · 10/10/2020 08:05

You have my sympathies. Living with a 17yo is never going to be easy. We are a few years off this point so I am not speaking from experience here.

I think the guiding principles should be: this is your house, you have the right not to be put in a position where it is unpleasant for you to live there. You are no one's servant.

Household tasks that are to do with upkeep of the asset you own (ie anything that would be the landlord's problem for a rental property) should be excluded but your 17yo should expect to do a fair share of everything else eg weekly dealing with bins and recycling, doing the cleaning etc. The size of the "fair share" does depend a bit on your own houseproudness standards. If you like to keep the house spotless enough to be photographed by Homes and Gardens magazine at any time and put in hours of work to maintain that, it is not reasonable for him to contribute an equal share, but if your standards are pretty lax and similar in hygiene levels to a typical house share of young adults then he should be doing a one-third fraction as you and DP also presumably do a one-third fraction each. On a sliding scale if your standards are a bit higher then maybe a quarter would be a fair slice.

It is completely reasonable for you to have a "no weed in the house" rule.

Curfew should be very relaxed on days when there is no college next day. He should consider it his basic responsibility to let you know where he is and what time he is expecting to be home (that is basic safety and normal that anyone who is part of a family wants to know that other family members are safe) and should come in quietly if you are asleep but should otherwise be fairly free. On days with college next day, a midnight curfew is reasonable.

Having gf to stay - if her presence doesn't make your home an unpleasant place to be then once a week is reasonable.

MWNA · 10/10/2020 08:08

Curfew - anytime. Just let me know where you are and if you're coming home.
Smoking weed - outside only. You're fighting a losing battle if you think you can stop him.
Chores - let it go. He's already doing bits for himself. Just keep communal areas clear of his crap.
Having gf to stay - weekends only perhaps?

Those were my rules for my now 28 year old daughter. They'll be much the same I imagine for my 6 and 4 year old when the time comes.

MWNA · 10/10/2020 08:15

He's doing his own room, he's sorting his washing and food, he's going to college and has a partner. He's a functioning human being! A lot of parents would give their right arm for that level of ordinary.

Original poster

fmlfmlfmlfm · 10/10/2020 08:17

Sorry that's not the reason I asked him to leave it was just a build up of the last year of being disrespectful to me. Wanting the perks of adulthood with no responsibilities

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LolaSmiles · 10/10/2020 08:22

I'm not at that point yet, but I'd say:

Curfew - flexible on the understanding that I'm told if they're planning on staying somewhere else and they were normally responsible

Smoking weed - not negotiable

Chores - everyone has to pull their weight as a member of the household

Having gf to stay - flexible depending on whether they were respectful

Original poster

fmlfmlfmlfm · 10/10/2020 08:23

@MWNA

Curfew - anytime. Just let me know where you are and if you're coming home. Smoking weed - outside only. You're fighting a losing battle if you think you can stop him. Chores - let it go. He's already doing bits for himself. Just keep communal areas clear of his crap. Having gf to stay - weekends only perhaps?

Those were my rules for my now 28 year old daughter. They'll be much the same I imagine for my 6 and 4 year old when the time comes.

Literally 🤣 I think cleaning the toilet after he's been isn't unreasonable.

It stems from lockdown. 6 months he didn't work was furloughed had no college and sat on his arse.

I pay my mum to clean and a Gardener so I can keep on top of it. I just feel that he treats my House like a shared house and he's not part of the family at all. I feel uncomfortable in my own home at times.. the girlfriend will be there on her own while he goes to work and I won't even know she's there until she appears down the stairs to leave 5 hours later and I just feel very used. The weed thing I can't stop it but don't have it in my house because it stinks and I'm sick enough as it is because of random smells.

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Lockdownseperation · 10/10/2020 08:24

I wouldn’t be chucking him out for smoking weed the first time but I would be telling him it’s a not acceptable in my house and if he does it again then he will be out. Would you compromise and let him smoke once a week in the garden?

As for the gf - you have already had her to stay for an extended period of time so your happy for her staying - what is the issue? What is the situation currently and what would you be happy with?

Chores - he is cooking and tidying up after himself, doing his washing and keeping his room tidy. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to pitch in with something else in the house but it already sounds like a functioning adult and I wouldn’t get to worried about this.

Curfew - when I was 17 I was told if I was going to be home after a certain time I should send a text so my parents knew I was safe. Why do you think he needs a curfew?

Lockdownseperation · 10/10/2020 08:25

Well if you had an issue during lockdown you should have been an adult and discussed it with him then.

pictish · 10/10/2020 08:26

Curfew - none. You can try to impose one if you like but at 17 he’ll ignore it if he wants to. Better to ask that he lets you know if he won’t be coming home.

Weed - no. I’m not morally opposed to weed but it stinks and for that reason alone, no.

Girlfriend - yes. So long as she’s respectful in your home and isn’t there every night, it’s ok.

Chores - absolutely. Part of being an adult is pitching in and making it all tick over so chores are a must. He can hoover the entire house, clean the bathroom, go to the shop for food, clean the kitchen, cook and loads of other essential jobs.

Original poster

fmlfmlfmlfm · 10/10/2020 08:27

@MWNA

He's doing his own room, he's sorting his washing and food, he's going to college and has a partner. He's a functioning human being! A lot of parents would give their right arm for that level of ordinary.

And this is the mentality that I've convinced myself with. On paper he looks like the perfect child but he's very entitled.

An example being. In lockdown I paid for his room to be decorated, and a new bed and a new carpet.

When I asked him to help me paint his brothers he charged me. (He charges me to do chores etc) I asked him to put together a chest of drawers during a 4 day isolation due to their coughs and cold we went for a test. He then blamed me for making him be tested as he was losing out on money (his money is literally for him no bills I explained I'm also losing wages but my money is for the bills and food) He wanted paying to do it, and when I refused I'm sure he purposely put it together backwards (so the plywood was showing at the front. I now will end up taking it apart and doing it myself )

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scubadive · 10/10/2020 08:27

All teenagers want the perks of adult hood without the responsibilities. You need to teach then through this.

Throwing him out sounds extreme and I’m not sure will help your relationship.

Smoking weed in the house absolute no but keeping a bit to occasionally have with friends is what most teenagers do.

Gf staying probably ok at 17.

Chores always a battle.

Curfew is an odd word. Please be back by......,at the weekend, you need to be in by .... on a college/work day.

PegasusReturns · 10/10/2020 08:27

I agree with MWNA - sounds like he’s basically a good kid so I’d cut him some slack.

I wouldn’t want someone smoking weed in my house but it’s an almost inevitable part of teen life. It doesn’t necessarily lead to doom and destruction.

Roseshavethorns · 10/10/2020 08:30

At 17 I wouldn't have a curfew but ask for basic respect ie tell me if you are staying out or going to be home late. Keep me updated so I don't worry.
Chores- I am flexible. We are all busy so everyone just pitches in when they are there.
Girlfriend no. Just because it makes me feel weird, not from any moral objection. I explain this.
Weed not allowed ever. Drugs are a complete no go in this house and all my children know this. I have very few "rules" but this is one.
At 17 you are an adult and as long as they know the rules they can choose to abide by them or leave. If they choose to bring drugs in to my house they are choosing to leave. No negotiation.