To ask what is a reasonable expectation

[fmlfmlfmlfm]

I've had an almighty bust up with my son. I spent 40 minutes writing the post for it to get lost due to username issues.

So very quickly

If your child was 17, working part time, at college part time , does their own washing and deals with their own room, quite independent re sorting food etc and doesn't get charged any rent and you pay for their travel to college etc

What would a reasonable expectation be of them in your house?

To clarify - your rules over

Curfew
Smoking weed
Chores
Having gf to stay

I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable in my expectations.

I'm

Just saw your most recent post. If he’s at work the girlfriend goes home.
We have a 19 yr old son with a gf that stays over a lot. We like her and she’s welcome but she’s not here when he isn’t. I wouldn’t be interested in entertaining that.

Nobody asking about the altercation is unusual.
What happened there

At 17 ds2 was in the same position as yours. He is 20 now.

Curfew. No curfew. Just needed to let us know roughly what time he was back or if he was stopping out.
Smoking weed. I've never smelled weed on Ds. He didn't smoke until earlier this year and that us toll us!🤷‍♀️ I didn't realise he did until i walked past a pub and he was outside with a group of his mates. To be fair he was embarrassed at being ' caught' but he us an adult and doesnt do it home ,so his buisness really.

Chores just to tidy up after himself, washing in the basket etc.
Having gf to stay didn't mind his gf staying over. She would sit with us for a bit, have a chat and then they would go.

Frankly, if you manage to make it through the teen years without an altercation, you deserve sainthood.
Use your imagination. They fell out.

My house, my rules.
A youngster working would be paying rent, for a start.
Guests....need to discuss with me first, not just bring random people back, including girlfriends.
But the weed is a big NO. I never, ever have any sort of recreational drugs in the house and yes, I would also throw them out, even my own son.
I had two teenagers in the past, they knew the rules and stuck to them until they left home. In their own place they can do what they like, but not in mine.

He is basically a good kid, he just doesn't appreciate that he has a good life, I give him the option of having his girlfriend over whenever he wants, I didn't charge a penny having her during lockdown, I've paid for her to come on holiday, I pay for his phone etc some things he pays for himself like clothes but he buys £250 Tracksuits but I'm sometimes giving him my last tenner to get to college and he's got a few thousand in the bank (which don't get me wrong He's worked hard for) but it's the mentality of oh maybe I should load the dishwasher, clean the toilet, run a Hoover, mow the lawn. To give something back. I've brought him up on my own with little imput from dad and I just feel.

The row started over me being in the bath and him losing his key (3 weeks ago) and me not leaving mine out for him to get in... (I've told him to get one cut or go and get the spare from my parents but he won't ) and when I got out the bath to let him in he ran past me and locked the door leaving me stood there in a towel. Then following me in my room after and shouting over the lack of WiFi as the rabbit had chewed through the wire and he couldn't do something x very small but I think it's just a back log of emotions and feeling worthless and my own stresses too. X

@iamtheoneandonlyyy

Nobody asking about the altercation is unusual. What happened there

I asked for his phone (as he said I didn't do anything for him and my hand got trapped in the door and I retaliated back)

I think it's best he's out of the house.

I'm obviously not going to permanently throw my son out, it was more of a we need space from each other kind of thing there was lots of horrible words said on either side.

I love my kids (he has a younger brother who is at his dads half the time) and I'm recently pregnant and cheated on so I don't think this has helped with my usual calm approach.

I really appreciate everyone's imput, which is why I asked whether my expectations of doing more to help were unreasonable (I've been lenient because he's worked hard and attends college ) but I think lockdown just highlighted it and wasn't because of other commitments. X

Also he doesn't have a curfew, but then a few times has been late for college and then gets humpy if I refuse to drive him to the Station or whatever... or if I take his brother to school first. He also doesn't wake up for his alarm and only to my voice 😂

I’m strong on chores. We have three kids...19, 12, 11. All of them are expected to pitch in. The younger ones create, bitch and moan about it just as the eldest used to...but we insist. Not only does it help the running of the household, it also passes on essential life skills and a sense of reality.
Our 19 yr old actually helps out a lot. He’s used to it.

As long as your son is getting up for work/college ok and not disturbing you when he comes in he should not have a curfew. I think he does enough chores, should be allowed his girlfriend to stay over at the weekend. Would not be happy with the weed situation but as long as he didn’t smoke it in the house would accept it.

And I’m not running a labour camp or anything.

Younger ones - recycling, loading and emptying dishwasher, trips to shop for milk and bread etc, hoovering hall, keeping their rooms clean (ha).

Eldest - pretty much anything regarding general upkeep of home and does own washing.

IT does sound difficult OP and I think you're totally reasonable to want boundaries in place. Having the girlfriend to stay is one thing but having her there the whole time even when DS is out is something different. It's also reasonable to want to agree in advance when she'll be there so you know you're getting the house to yourself too.

It's hard to convey what's going on over the internet. You say he's entitled and disrespectful but that's true to a certain extent of all teenagers. I know when I was 17 I basically expected my parents to provide a hotel for my convenience and thought I was a saint for putting my dirty tea cups in the sink. (Obviously now I'd be mortified to behave like that). Do you think he's a normal sulky teenager (which is bas enough) or is it going further?

@fmlfmlfmlfm

Also he doesn't have a curfew, but then a few times has been late for college and then gets humpy if I refuse to drive him to the Station or whatever... or if I take his brother to school first. He also doesn't wake up for his alarm and only to my voice 😂

Our son was the same at 17. He got himself in hot water over his lateness enough times that at 19 he now fears it like nothing else and is up with the lark on college days. My son learns by experience it seems...not by what I advise.

He locked his naked, pregnant mother out of her own house??

This is not a nice kid, OP, he's an abusive bully who absolutely should be booted out and forced to live in the real world. What a bastard.

When I asked him to help me paint his brothers he charged me. (He charges me to do chores etc)

What?

No, just no. He lives in your house, has his girlfriend to stay, you pay all bills & he charges you if you want him to muck in and act like part of the family. Totally disrespectful. Also it's time he paid his own travel. A few weeks/months living elsewhere & being told to pay his way & do his fair share will do him good.

It would have taken a lot for me to have thrown a child out, I think it’s very destructive of a relationship. In terms of tolerance, were not very at all.
Absolutely no to smoking or drugs at any age at any point. Friends who did so would not be welcome to do so at our house. Luckily it was never an issue.

Curfew was about respect and consideration of others. We’d not overindulge if we had said we’d drop a child somewhere early next morning and expected same courtesy towards us. If they wanted to be out until 2am, they needed to discuss transport arrangements and be quiet when they arrived back. Obviously that was post their eighteenth birthday since they couldn’t go clubbing at seventeen.

We expected to know where they were and who they were with until they left home. Common sense to share plans so we could pick up the pieces if their was a problem. We’d always tell them about our intentions. We still have that expectation and they still say what their doing if they are at home with us. Where, who with, what time back, and how getting back is not too much to ask.

Chores were never really divided up specifically. It was just request to lay the table or empty the dishwasher. They always stripped their own beds from about age five or six and brought bedding down to go to the laundry. They often asked to cook supper at a weekend. Our rule was always if you’ve cooked you don’t clear. They had to fetch in logs and hoover sometimes. They kept their own bathrooms clean between the cleaners visits. It was about sharing fairly.

We didn’t encourage ‘relationships’ that were close enough to warrant sharing a bed during their childhood. Group sleepovers, fine occasionally but not having a girlfriend or boyfriend move in. We’re they not still at school?

We pay our eldest for big or labour-intensive jobs. He helped strip, fill and paint two bedrooms one after the other in here, hours of work and we gave him £50 for his trouble. Very cheap at the price actually. He was happy too.

Curfew - not sure I'd set one, maybe 11 if they have college the next day but tbh I'd expect them to start piecing together the need for a good nights sleep in preparation for work / college the next day.
I would say if they come home after everyone else is in bed they have to be quiet though.

Smoking weed - never, nothing good comes of it and it stinks.

Chores - cooking once or twice a week for the family and doing their share of hoover / kitchen / bathroom etc.

Having gf to stay - once or twice a week I think is fine.

Having read your further posts though, I think you should be charging him some board. I'd basically ask for a slightly higher amount than you think is reasonable but be happy to 'reduce' it to a reasonable amount and he can make up the rest by doing his share around the house.

I would also have a rule that girlfriend can only be at home if he is.

Thanks everyone I needed to hear a mixed view of opinions. We're going to have a chat today I think I just am feeling very emotional and teary. He doesn't have a curfew I've been lenient with things I can't control, the girlfriend I thought was good for his mental health during lockdown I think it's mainly the chores thing. X

After chatting to my mum I think it's more I can see how helpful and thoughtful he can be but it's directed to the gf 🤣 he doesn't think I love him but also gave a very warped version of events x

How do I close this thread? X

You can't close threads.

Him charging you for chores is absolutely not OK.

If a child has grown up in a loving environment where their needs are always met, they will when teenagers be pretty entitled. They haven’t learned yet how to deal with life’s disappointments. It’s not a bad thing, because they will learn it when on their own. It’s just something that is annoying if you’ve been raised in a more hard knocks, street smart, had to grow up fast way yourself.

Anyway, he sounds fairly normal/good to me. He’s studying, he’s working, he’s obviously thrifty if he’s thousands in the bank.

The disrespect. The unwillingness to do favours (chores like build things) is all normal sulky teenage “you’re not the boss of me” behaviour. Also being 17 he’s too close to adulthood for punishments like confiscating a phone. You have to work things out like you would with an adult housemate.

I’d also pick my battles. I’d have got extra keys cut and not left it for him to do. But I would be firm on no weed. I would tell them how weed destroys lives (I’ve seen it happen) and that if they insist on using it to not do it in the house or bring any home. If he defied me on this, then I would tell him to leave and go live elsewhere. I don’t think you were too harsh OP because you knew he had a place he could go- his gfs.

Good luck OP. I think if you message Mumsnet HQ you could get the thread closed? You sound like a lovely mum and I'm sure once he's emerged from his hormone induced teenaged brain your son will be a lovely guy too.