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Original poster

I hate my mil

75 replies

Bittersweet12 · 09/10/2020 22:30

Posted this in another category but figured it fitted better her..

Now at the start I really really did get along with my mother in law, we were really close! Like the relationship you could only wish to have with a mil I had with mine! Then she started to come out of her shell more as time went on.

So my partner comes from a HUGE family, the type that have arguments wherever they go, you can't be in a room with one of them without them slagging someone off, and I'm a nice natured person so being in this situation always made me feel awkward but I just brushed it off.

My mil babied my partner so bad, and at first I though how sweet, she just loves her boy, but Jesus there's love and then there's control.

So the first time my partner came to my parents house before we actually lived together, or were even together properly (baring in mind I absolutely never even knew his mother never met her, and my partner is in his mid 20's) he'd left his phone in his car, so she messaged me on social media saying 'please tell him to answer his phone, is he with you' my partner was embarrassed, but I really didn't think nothing of it.

Then when we actually got together I started to realise how controlling she really was!
If we went on a trip to the shop together and was longer than bloody 20 minutes she would be messaging him 'where are you I thought you was only going Tesco, why aren't you home yet'

we once went out for my friends birthday meal, and we just got chatting away so it was a little late, his mother messaging him, ' why aren't you home yet, she has work in the morning' it just go so over powering everywhere we went everytime we went out she would have to be questioning constantly where we were when we was coming back. My partner had tried to tell her that's not how things should be for her to only ignore him.

So we went on our first holiday together, before we went she was asking for our flight numbers to track the bloody flight! (She didn't get them) we had a change over half way but pretty quick no time to stop and connect to the wifi at the airport, but by the time we got to the hotel we both had at least 20 messages of her!
My partner said I've had enough I want to get away from all this she's so controlling won't listen and I'm fed up when we get home I want to move out.

So when we got back my partner pretty much uppted his things and left, we got our first home together, he told her 'I've moved out' and he'd had enough of her control.
She tried everything, constant phone calls, messaging his friends to see where he lived, even trying to get into contact with my parents driving past his work to try and catch him.
Honestly it was like something out of a film. But I toook all the blame for this.
His mother called me absolutely every name under the sun, for some reason called me 'jealous' not sure what of. Used to try and guilt trip him 'go be happy with her and her family forget about all of us I'll leave you to it' to only message some more abuse aimed at me not even a minute later.
Eventually he said he wanted a relationship with them, This was a year and half ago. I said obviously I had no problem with him reconnecting with them, but I didn't want to be involved in it, after everything she possibly called me, blamed me for, I just don't want part in it.
So ever since he just went to visit them once a month on his own, that's all he really wanted to. Then I got pregnant and we had our first child together. I agreed I would go with him this once a month for our child's sake. I didn't want to go, but I didn't want my daughter to have to be there without me, his mother is the kind that bad mounts and tries to manipulate people, and I just figured if I was there with her I'd be able to stop this if it ever came about in the future.
Now fast forward if ever there's some kind of issue my partner is fully on my mil side, it's like she can do no wrong anymore, it's causing so much tension between us all the time, we seem to be constantly arguing over it! I get it's his mother at the end of the day, but I really don't want them to have such involvement in my life the way they once did. I don't mind being civil but anymore just gives me major anxiety! I just don't know what to do as it's like it's a constant battle.

OP posts:
readingismycardio · 10/10/2020 05:50

I'd leave him. I'd have left him from the very beginning tbh. This is not something one can tolerate. My mil is a bit like that but she's pretty far and DH ignores herGrin

burglarbettybaby · 10/10/2020 05:57

You dont need this constant stress in your life. I would take a break from him. She sounds very controlling.

MrsCatE · 10/10/2020 06:05

It does sound like he's exchanged like for like; you're his new 'Mam'. From your narrative, it sounds like he didn't even have the nerve to have a conversation with his mother about moving out and did a moon light flit - straight into arms of new Mum.

He's never going to 'Man up' so you need to think if you can cope with that in your future.

lovelemoncurd · 10/10/2020 06:22

He's married to his mother. Leave him. It's not going to get better. He split from her for a while but he's back with her now so get out as it's going to grief all the way.

peachypetite · 10/10/2020 06:32

Your mistake was ever continuing a relationship with this man and having a child together. I couldn’t carry on living like that.

Runningdownthathill · 10/10/2020 06:36

She sounds absolutely horrendous, and your partner sounds weak. He is never going to put you first. Leave.

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 08:00

@Runningdownthathill

She sounds absolutely horrendous, and your partner sounds weak. He is never going to put you first. Leave.
She is horrendous, I love my partner very much though and we have a really good relationship appart feom this
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 08:01

@peachypetite

Your mistake was ever continuing a relationship with this man and having a child together. I couldn’t carry on living like that.
I don't believe my child was a mistake? We have a good relationship
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 08:02

@lovelemoncurd

He's married to his mother. Leave him. It's not going to get better. He split from her for a while but he's back with her now so get out as it's going to grief all the way.
It's not so easy to get our, and why should I let his mum ruin my relationship it's great appart from this
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 08:02

@MrsCatE

It does sound like he's exchanged like for like; you're his new 'Mam'. From your narrative, it sounds like he didn't even have the nerve to have a conversation with his mother about moving out and did a moon light flit - straight into arms of new Mum.

He's never going to 'Man up' so you need to think if you can cope with that in your future.

He did have the guts to tell her he said it was just easier to leave without the confrontation ect
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 08:03

@burglarbettybaby

You dont need this constant stress in your life. I would take a break from him. She sounds very controlling.
She's extremely controlling but apparat frok this our relationship is great
OP posts:
Gardengoddess · 10/10/2020 08:13

This sounds really exhausting, have you sat down with your partner and told him to this extent how you feel? What situations is he defending his mum? What situations is she causing?
Just look at how it was when you first got together and then look at how it is now, it has improved if he only sees her once a month. I think you are probably just letting the mere mention of her consume you from past experience and all the anxiety she has caused which is understandable.

LizzieSiddal · 10/10/2020 08:16

She is horrendous, I love my partner very much though and we have a really good relationship appart feom this

But this- (his relationship with his mother) is part of your relationship. And a very important part of it. Your relationship is great when your partner didn’t see his mother. Now he’s back under her control, your relationship is affected. Your H has to acknowledge this and put you and his child first, NOT his mother.

My MIL was hugely interfering and controlling, and it got worse when we had children. When DD1 was 4, my Dh tried to talk to her and she and FIL ended up screaming and shouting at DH. That evening we realised it would never get better. Dh looked for another job, we put out house on the market and moved away. It was the best decision we ever made. If dh hasn’t stood up to his parents I’d have left him. I suggest you do the same or you’ll have this issue for the rest of your life.

I’d also add that my Dh has had a lot of counselling because of his upbringing. He’s deeply affected by the behaviour of his controlling and manipulative mother and a workaholic father, both also had horrible tempers and argued constantly. I think the manipulation and control of DH was because she had no say in decisions made in her marriage.

PersonaNonGarter · 10/10/2020 08:19

Well, she is not going to change is she?

This is your life forever if you don’t leave. You only have control over yourself in this situation. So you take ownership of it. Just go.

HarleyQuinn33 · 10/10/2020 08:41

Oh dear. She does sound awful. For my own sanity I would not go to visit and just let the husband take your daughter. Just have no communication with mil. I am sure your daughter will be safe there without you and if it reduces arguments between you and your husband then that is better for both of you. Just agree that he does not mention mil or send messages from her to you.

Sausagis · 10/10/2020 08:41

What would he say if you told him both you - and the baby - were going zero contact with mil? He could see his mum alone but without either of you? Also ban him talking about her so you don't have to hear about it!

HarleyQuinn33 · 10/10/2020 08:42

I would also recommend a book by Susan Forward called 'emotional blackmail'.

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 09:03

@PersonaNonGarter

Well, she is not going to change is she?

This is your life forever if you don’t leave. You only have control over yourself in this situation. So you take ownership of it. Just go.

I believe if I ' just go' she would have slot more involvement he would move back there and he would have my little girl at weekends, this would be worse
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 09:04

@HarleyQuinn33

Oh dear. She does sound awful. For my own sanity I would not go to visit and just let the husband take your daughter. Just have no communication with mil. I am sure your daughter will be safe there without you and if it reduces arguments between you and your husband then that is better for both of you. Just agree that he does not mention mil or send messages from her to you.
I wouldn't trust my daughter there without me they are the kind that black male ect and I just get major anxiety thinking what they would say to her if he nipped to the loo or something
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 09:05

@Gardengoddess

This sounds really exhausting, have you sat down with your partner and told him to this extent how you feel? What situations is he defending his mum? What situations is she causing? Just look at how it was when you first got together and then look at how it is now, it has improved if he only sees her once a month. I think you are probably just letting the mere mention of her consume you from past experience and all the anxiety she has caused which is understandable.
That's exactly it!! But I don't know how to over come the
OP posts:
HelloDulling · 10/10/2020 09:12

It's not so easy to get our, and why should I let his mum ruin my relationship it's great appart from this

She does sound awful, but she’s not ruining your relationship, he is. He’s choosing her over you and your DD.

VinylDetective · 10/10/2020 09:19

@Sausagis

What would he say if you told him both you - and the baby - were going zero contact with mil? He could see his mum alone but without either of you? Also ban him talking about her so you don't have to hear about it!
Aren’t you forgetting it’s his child too?
peachypetite · 10/10/2020 09:19

Your partner is weak. That’s not going to change so you have a choice to make.

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 09:22

@HelloDulling

It's not so easy to get our, and why should I let his mum ruin my relationship it's great appart from this

She does sound awful, but she’s not ruining your relationship, he is. He’s choosing her over you and your DD.

I said to him before it is him and he said everyone is equal I love you and our baby just as much as I love them there is no one above anyone else://
OP posts:
Lightlysieved · 10/10/2020 09:39

Ach this is a crap situation for you op. And having lived through something similar myself, I'm afraid it doesn't get better. It's hard to believe that women (and men) like this exist but they do. My mil was horribly manipulative and controlling as well. You could write a book about the things she did. And I agree with LizzieSiddal that it gets worse when DC appear on the scene. You can let things muddle along for a bit if you can bare it when they are small, but once your DC get to an age when they have understanding, around seven or eight, and they can understand the tensions and the things that are being said about them and to them, then I can guarantee there will be an incident which means that your DH will have to get off that uncomfortable fence he is sitting on, and decide whether he will be in your camp or that of his mother's. (Btw, rule one when your mil is this controlling is don't let mil get involved in any aspect of childcare at all btw.)

What is really worrying is you saying
*Now fast forward if ever there's some kind of issue my partner is fully on my mil side, it's like she can do no wrong anymore, it's causing so much tension between us all the time, we seem to be constantly arguing over it!

That sounds worrying because our marriage only survived (only just and it still had its stresses) because my DH agreed with me that he didn't want his mother controlling the DC. And between us we agreed that me and DC would go from LC to NC. And he would visit his parents alone a couple of times a year. Tbh I was and am still pissed off that he couldn't make the break for my sake alone but he is a great DH in other ways so I try and let that go. That was the only solution that everyone could live with and it did work. But my mil was not as directly accusatory about me - she was much more clever and subtle then that - are you saying that your DH didn't defend and stick up for you when this happened? This shou!d have led to the split between them, not a rapprochement!

What happened that your dh was happy to forgive and forget everything that had gone on before? Does she have a hold over him financially in some way? Or did having a baby think there could be a new start? Or has she said that to him? Why is he so passive in this? It could be because he has been immersed in FOG for so long (fear, obligation, guilt) that he wrongly thinks it is his role to plqy peacemaker? And frankly that's a very kind interpretation of his behaviour. Be careful op and stay strong and hold your own. I'm from a huge loud family and it's very hard for anyone coming in to it. Protect your DC. Flowers

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