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Original poster

I hate my mil

75 replies

Bittersweet12 · 09/10/2020 22:30

Posted this in another category but figured it fitted better her..

Now at the start I really really did get along with my mother in law, we were really close! Like the relationship you could only wish to have with a mil I had with mine! Then she started to come out of her shell more as time went on.

So my partner comes from a HUGE family, the type that have arguments wherever they go, you can't be in a room with one of them without them slagging someone off, and I'm a nice natured person so being in this situation always made me feel awkward but I just brushed it off.

My mil babied my partner so bad, and at first I though how sweet, she just loves her boy, but Jesus there's love and then there's control.

So the first time my partner came to my parents house before we actually lived together, or were even together properly (baring in mind I absolutely never even knew his mother never met her, and my partner is in his mid 20's) he'd left his phone in his car, so she messaged me on social media saying 'please tell him to answer his phone, is he with you' my partner was embarrassed, but I really didn't think nothing of it.

Then when we actually got together I started to realise how controlling she really was!
If we went on a trip to the shop together and was longer than bloody 20 minutes she would be messaging him 'where are you I thought you was only going Tesco, why aren't you home yet'

we once went out for my friends birthday meal, and we just got chatting away so it was a little late, his mother messaging him, ' why aren't you home yet, she has work in the morning' it just go so over powering everywhere we went everytime we went out she would have to be questioning constantly where we were when we was coming back. My partner had tried to tell her that's not how things should be for her to only ignore him.

So we went on our first holiday together, before we went she was asking for our flight numbers to track the bloody flight! (She didn't get them) we had a change over half way but pretty quick no time to stop and connect to the wifi at the airport, but by the time we got to the hotel we both had at least 20 messages of her!
My partner said I've had enough I want to get away from all this she's so controlling won't listen and I'm fed up when we get home I want to move out.

So when we got back my partner pretty much uppted his things and left, we got our first home together, he told her 'I've moved out' and he'd had enough of her control.
She tried everything, constant phone calls, messaging his friends to see where he lived, even trying to get into contact with my parents driving past his work to try and catch him.
Honestly it was like something out of a film. But I toook all the blame for this.
His mother called me absolutely every name under the sun, for some reason called me 'jealous' not sure what of. Used to try and guilt trip him 'go be happy with her and her family forget about all of us I'll leave you to it' to only message some more abuse aimed at me not even a minute later.
Eventually he said he wanted a relationship with them, This was a year and half ago. I said obviously I had no problem with him reconnecting with them, but I didn't want to be involved in it, after everything she possibly called me, blamed me for, I just don't want part in it.
So ever since he just went to visit them once a month on his own, that's all he really wanted to. Then I got pregnant and we had our first child together. I agreed I would go with him this once a month for our child's sake. I didn't want to go, but I didn't want my daughter to have to be there without me, his mother is the kind that bad mounts and tries to manipulate people, and I just figured if I was there with her I'd be able to stop this if it ever came about in the future.
Now fast forward if ever there's some kind of issue my partner is fully on my mil side, it's like she can do no wrong anymore, it's causing so much tension between us all the time, we seem to be constantly arguing over it! I get it's his mother at the end of the day, but I really don't want them to have such involvement in my life the way they once did. I don't mind being civil but anymore just gives me major anxiety! I just don't know what to do as it's like it's a constant battle.

OP posts:
waitrosetrollydolly · 10/10/2020 09:50

He's stuck in the middle and is trying to keep you both happy. My DH is the same. I tolerate his mother when I have to. She too phones my office line if his line is busy or my mobile if he's not picking up. We are both incredibly busy at work where as she is sat at home doing nothing. Mostly I feel pity for her. I won't let her wreck my marriage. He won't either... now But it actually took a friend of his to point out that his mother was bonkers. And that took about 20 years !! Hang on in there !

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 09:59

@waitrosetrollydolly

He's stuck in the middle and is trying to keep you both happy. My DH is the same. I tolerate his mother when I have to. She too phones my office line if his line is busy or my mobile if he's not picking up. We are both incredibly busy at work where as she is sat at home doing nothing. Mostly I feel pity for her. I won't let her wreck my marriage. He won't either... now But it actually took a friend of his to point out that his mother was bonkers. And that took about 20 years !! Hang on in there !
That's reassuring thank you
OP posts:
Sausagis · 10/10/2020 10:04

VinylDetective - not at all. However op portrays this as a potentially abusive situation, so my advice (for what little it's worth) is based around her trying to keep her child out of an abusive, or at least very negative, situation. Surely that has to be a starting point, to at least try - even if no legal backing?

Wibblypiggly · 10/10/2020 10:06

This is an awful situation. But it’s going to be your situation for life if you don’t leave as he won’t change. He just won’t. He’s already gone back to his mummy.

JosiePyeTheOriginalMeanGirl · 10/10/2020 10:08

I'd tell him all of this, however you need to do it (and however many times it takes to get through to him). Remind him of how he used to find her so difficult, yet now he's taking her side against you.

Point out to him that you've never tried to stop him from having a relationship with his mother, nor do you wish to do so now. However, he has to understand that her psychotic nastiness toward you and her intensely controlling nature has made you wary of her. You deserve and demand respect and healthy boundaries.

I'd try to figure out what has changed in their relationship to make him do such a complete 180, where she's concerned. Has he just forgotten how fed-up with her he was? It's strange that he's changed attitude so drastically.

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 10:34

@JosiePyeTheOriginalMeanGirl

I'd tell him all of this, however you need to do it (and however many times it takes to get through to him). Remind him of how he used to find her so difficult, yet now he's taking her side against you.

Point out to him that you've never tried to stop him from having a relationship with his mother, nor do you wish to do so now. However, he has to understand that her psychotic nastiness toward you and her intensely controlling nature has made you wary of her. You deserve and demand respect and healthy boundaries.

I'd try to figure out what has changed in their relationship to make him do such a complete 180, where she's concerned. Has he just forgotten how fed-up with her he was? It's strange that he's changed attitude so drastically.

When we've had the conversation before, he said he realised he did want a relationship with them because after everything it's still his mum. I do understand it but he never seems to understand me, I think to be honest if it wasn't that I didn't want an involvement with them he would probably have more of an involvement with them
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 10:35

@Wibblypiggly

This is an awful situation. But it’s going to be your situation for life if you don’t leave as he won’t change. He just won’t. He’s already gone back to his mummy.
It would get worse if we broke up I believe, appart from this we do have a good relationship and he is a great dad and partner x
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 10:42

@Lightlysieved

Ach this is a crap situation for you op. And having lived through something similar myself, I'm afraid it doesn't get better. It's hard to believe that women (and men) like this exist but they do. My mil was horribly manipulative and controlling as well. You could write a book about the things she did. And I agree with LizzieSiddal that it gets worse when DC appear on the scene. You can let things muddle along for a bit if you can bare it when they are small, but once your DC get to an age when they have understanding, around seven or eight, and they can understand the tensions and the things that are being said about them and to them, then I can guarantee there will be an incident which means that your DH will have to get off that uncomfortable fence he is sitting on, and decide whether he will be in your camp or that of his mother's. (Btw, rule one when your mil is this controlling is don't let mil get involved in any aspect of childcare at all btw.)

What is really worrying is you saying
*Now fast forward if ever there's some kind of issue my partner is fully on my mil side, it's like she can do no wrong anymore, it's causing so much tension between us all the time, we seem to be constantly arguing over it!

That sounds worrying because our marriage only survived (only just and it still had its stresses) because my DH agreed with me that he didn't want his mother controlling the DC. And between us we agreed that me and DC would go from LC to NC. And he would visit his parents alone a couple of times a year. Tbh I was and am still pissed off that he couldn't make the break for my sake alone but he is a great DH in other ways so I try and let that go. That was the only solution that everyone could live with and it did work. But my mil was not as directly accusatory about me - she was much more clever and subtle then that - are you saying that your DH didn't defend and stick up for you when this happened? This shou!d have led to the split between them, not a rapprochement!

What happened that your dh was happy to forgive and forget everything that had gone on before? Does she have a hold over him financially in some way? Or did having a baby think there could be a new start? Or has she said that to him? Why is he so passive in this? It could be because he has been immersed in FOG for so long (fear, obligation, guilt) that he wrongly thinks it is his role to plqy peacemaker? And frankly that's a very kind interpretation of his behaviour. Be careful op and stay strong and hold your own. I'm from a huge loud family and it's very hard for anyone coming in to it. Protect your DC. Flowers

It's an awful situation, it's comforting to know others have been there though. My partner did stick up for me when his mother blamed all this on me, and she hasn't directly said a bad word since just little sly comments which I know are directed towards me. My partner said the time he spent away from her made him realise he did want a relationship with her, I understand it's his mum and I understand he can forgive and forget as if it was my mother maybe I'd do the same. But I can't forget all she did and said. She does have two other grand children and don't get me wrong she is a good grandmother to them. But one of them is his sisters little girl from a previous marriage, and when the little girl goes to her dads for the weekend when she comes home my mil tried to quiz the little one I think this is so wrong!. I don't want us to split up I don't want that to be the reason behind it we have a good relationship apart from this which I'm not prepaired to throw away for his mother but not sure how I should deal with all of this
OP posts:
Ingridla · 10/10/2020 10:45

My ex mil was like this. On our honeymoon he had to ring her at least twice a day. It was ridiculous. I couldn't live like it and it ended up destroying us. My advice is you either learn to live with it and accept it or get the fuck out now.

DBML · 10/10/2020 10:58

Hi op

You mother sounds as if she WAS awful. What is she like now?

When my mother was younger, she had many problems with her in-laws and I know they were hard work. My dad was supportive of my mother.
As they all aged, my grandparents mellowed a lot, but mum never let her grudge go. She carried every past piece of negativity around with her and couldn’t understand how my dad could let it go. It caused many a row.

That’s why I ask, what is she like now?

Your husband/partner will be wanting easy and calm relationships with his family understandably. He wants his mother to be in his life and his daughters life. I can understand this too. Are you able to put the past in the past and move forward?

My MIL was cruel and spiteful to me. She wanted her son to marry a girl from her own cultural background. She actively tried to introduce my husband to other girls. When my son was born, she tried to get my husband to leave the country with her for a while. She said malicious things about me; called me spoiled and snobby; left me out of family events; never put up a plate of food for me. DH ended up not speaking to her for around 6 years. It was me who encouraged the relationship to repair in the end and now DH and his mother are on good terms and his mother actually loves me and says the nicest things about me, says how lucky she is etc. I’ll never forget what happened in the past, but I can easily let it all go and move forward to a future where we just all get along. Because I love my husband.

Are you able to do that or is mil still a controlling person?

timeforanewstart · 10/10/2020 11:25

Are you still only seeing them once a month ? Could you not just let your dh go with your daughter once a month and you stay home ?

timeforanewstart · 10/10/2020 11:29

Or maybe go every other month , if he is only seeing her once a month then he has compromised
And your daughter is both of yours and like you say if you split and in his visits you would have no say where he took her
Could you maybe meet them out for a day as your contact so other things are happening ?

Brunt0n · 10/10/2020 11:34

You’re basically the other woman

sandragreen · 10/10/2020 11:37

Dump him.

Autumngoldleaf · 10/10/2020 11:39

Op I can't see a way through. Your dh needs to have your back, tell his dm whilst he wants relations with her she needs to also be respectful to the woman he loves and the mother of his child.

That's not hard and would get Mil in line.

He's got everything he wants.

Autumngoldleaf · 10/10/2020 11:41

Yy brunt

That is spot on and sums it all up.

Lightlysieved · 10/10/2020 11:41

It's good your mil has moderated her behaviour a bit op; mine did overtly and then was horrible to me behind dh's back so I can sympathize with the snide comments! Luckily, she had gone too far with dh on several occasions by this stage so he did believe me when I told him what she had done.

Ultimately she paid the price, which was sad, because he withdrew from her emotionally more and more. This is what I can never understand. She was such an intelligent woman, but couldn't work out that her controlling behaviour would have the opposite effect of keeping dh close to her!

Also, it's good that you understand that your DH wants to maintaiin good relations with his mother. I was the same and would have liked nothing better than for us all to get along. But ultimately it was his mother's behaviour that made this impossible. The quizzing that your mil does of her gd is NOT a good sign and doesn't bode well for the future imho. GPs need to have the discretion and common sense when to step back and not interfere.

Also, don't dismiss or underestimate the insidious and intense pressure that this will place on your relationship as your life goes on. Every birthday and every Christmas. It seeps through the cracks somehow and muddies everything.

Finally, I think it's very helpful to think about, and be very clear about, your own personal limits in this situation. Mine was when it started to impact directly and negatively on my DC and that's the point at which I said "enough". They say food fences make good neighbours and it's the same with family relations imho. Know your own boundaries op so you don't find yourself getting sucked back in to a place that is intolerable for you or your dc.

Lightlysieved · 10/10/2020 11:46

good not food!

And make sure your DH knows what your limits are too. But really, you should not be fighting this battle. What Autumngoldleaf says is spot on.

WhatWouldJKRDo · 10/10/2020 11:48

My parents emigrated to escape controlling MIL!

I bluntly told my MIL that her son had chosen me. She didn’t have to like it but she didn’t get a vote. We were planning children eventually; if she thought I’d let a child of mine go somewhere his/her mother was disrespected she was dangerously confused. I had seen the damage it did to my Mum.

So she might want to think about how she was behaving.

Worked wonders.

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 11:59

@timeforanewstart

Are you still only seeing them once a month ? Could you not just let your dh go with your daughter once a month and you stay home ?
I don't trust her to be honest
OP posts:
Nomorepies · 10/10/2020 12:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Maybe83 · 10/10/2020 12:07

I actually find these types of threads so interesting.

Usually I find were there is a controlling in law there is an equally controlling spouse with the person stuck in between the two.

I'm not actually clear what your expectations of your partner are? He has already said he would see them more but for you aren't happy.

He was seeing them without you until you decided you wanted to start going back. He doesn't appear to have put pressure on you to do so.

What is it exactly you want him to do or stop doing?

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 12:13

@Maybe83

I actually find these types of threads so interesting.

Usually I find were there is a controlling in law there is an equally controlling spouse with the person stuck in between the two.

I'm not actually clear what your expectations of your partner are? He has already said he would see them more but for you aren't happy.

He was seeing them without you until you decided you wanted to start going back. He doesn't appear to have put pressure on you to do so.

What is it exactly you want him to do or stop doing?

It when there is any form of some argument he would always side with them, for example my mil text him saying 'I love all my grand children but yours will never know that' I thought that was wrong he didn't seem to think it was. When we visited my child is 6 month his mother was saying to her 'wait till summer until you can sleep here' knowing full well I don't get on with her, my child hasn't been anywhere over night appart from with us I thought this was wrong yet again he didn't think so, that's just a few examples I can think of, she's made snide comments abiut things
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 12:21

@Lightlysieved

It's good your mil has moderated her behaviour a bit op; mine did overtly and then was horrible to me behind dh's back so I can sympathize with the snide comments! Luckily, she had gone too far with dh on several occasions by this stage so he did believe me when I told him what she had done.

Ultimately she paid the price, which was sad, because he withdrew from her emotionally more and more. This is what I can never understand. She was such an intelligent woman, but couldn't work out that her controlling behaviour would have the opposite effect of keeping dh close to her!

Also, it's good that you understand that your DH wants to maintaiin good relations with his mother. I was the same and would have liked nothing better than for us all to get along. But ultimately it was his mother's behaviour that made this impossible. The quizzing that your mil does of her gd is NOT a good sign and doesn't bode well for the future imho. GPs need to have the discretion and common sense when to step back and not interfere.

Also, don't dismiss or underestimate the insidious and intense pressure that this will place on your relationship as your life goes on. Every birthday and every Christmas. It seeps through the cracks somehow and muddies everything.

Finally, I think it's very helpful to think about, and be very clear about, your own personal limits in this situation. Mine was when it started to impact directly and negatively on my DC and that's the point at which I said "enough". They say food fences make good neighbours and it's the same with family relations imho. Know your own boundaries op so you don't find yourself getting sucked back in to a place that is intolerable for you or your dc.

Thank you for your advice it's such a hard situation, as I know he wants to have a relationship with her but I'm absolutely not prepared to after all she did, she is bitter, spiteful, manipulating and controlling and I really am not prepared to put that aside and be best friends, yet I'm prepared to be civil for my little girls sake and my partners sake. As time has gone on she in between the once a month we go she rarely even messages him, but when we go this once w month she always seem to say/do something that frustrates me in some kind of way, and when I tell my partner this, this is when he always seems to side with them like they do no wrong anymore. This is what hurts. Like I said I believe if it wasn't for how I feel about them he would probably be around them more and I think what angers me more is that I wish I could just cut them out my life fully but I can't do that, my partner believes he is 'stuck in the middle' because his mother wants to be more involved in our lives as a grand parent and mother to him, yet I don't want that due to there previous actions
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 10/10/2020 12:24

@Autumngoldleaf

Op I can't see a way through. Your dh needs to have your back, tell his dm whilst he wants relations with her she needs to also be respectful to the woman he loves and the mother of his child.

That's not hard and would get Mil in line.

He's got everything he wants.

The problem is he doesn't think she does any wrong at the moment, just sees that I 'nit pick' at everything they do which to be honest I probably do but she just give me major anxiety due to how she was
OP posts:
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