I hate my mil

[Bittersweet12]

Posted this in another category but figured it fitted better her..

Now at the start I really really did get along with my mother in law, we were really close! Like the relationship you could only wish to have with a mil I had with mine! Then she started to come out of her shell more as time went on.

So my partner comes from a HUGE family, the type that have arguments wherever they go, you can't be in a room with one of them without them slagging someone off, and I'm a nice natured person so being in this situation always made me feel awkward but I just brushed it off.

My mil babied my partner so bad, and at first I though how sweet, she just loves her boy, but Jesus there's love and then there's control.

So the first time my partner came to my parents house before we actually lived together, or were even together properly (baring in mind I absolutely never even knew his mother never met her, and my partner is in his mid 20's) he'd left his phone in his car, so she messaged me on social media saying 'please tell him to answer his phone, is he with you' my partner was embarrassed, but I really didn't think nothing of it.

Then when we actually got together I started to realise how controlling she really was!
If we went on a trip to the shop together and was longer than bloody 20 minutes she would be messaging him 'where are you I thought you was only going Tesco, why aren't you home yet'

we once went out for my friends birthday meal, and we just got chatting away so it was a little late, his mother messaging him, ' why aren't you home yet, she has work in the morning' it just go so over powering everywhere we went everytime we went out she would have to be questioning constantly where we were when we was coming back. My partner had tried to tell her that's not how things should be for her to only ignore him.

So we went on our first holiday together, before we went she was asking for our flight numbers to track the bloody flight! (She didn't get them) we had a change over half way but pretty quick no time to stop and connect to the wifi at the airport, but by the time we got to the hotel we both had at least 20 messages of her!
My partner said I've had enough I want to get away from all this she's so controlling won't listen and I'm fed up when we get home I want to move out.

So when we got back my partner pretty much uppted his things and left, we got our first home together, he told her 'I've moved out' and he'd had enough of her control.
She tried everything, constant phone calls, messaging his friends to see where he lived, even trying to get into contact with my parents driving past his work to try and catch him.
Honestly it was like something out of a film. But I toook all the blame for this.
His mother called me absolutely every name under the sun, for some reason called me 'jealous' not sure what of. Used to try and guilt trip him 'go be happy with her and her family forget about all of us I'll leave you to it' to only message some more abuse aimed at me not even a minute later.
Eventually he said he wanted a relationship with them, This was a year and half ago. I said obviously I had no problem with him reconnecting with them, but I didn't want to be involved in it, after everything she possibly called me, blamed me for, I just don't want part in it.
So ever since he just went to visit them once a month on his own, that's all he really wanted to. Then I got pregnant and we had our first child together. I agreed I would go with him this once a month for our child's sake. I didn't want to go, but I didn't want my daughter to have to be there without me, his mother is the kind that bad mounts and tries to manipulate people, and I just figured if I was there with her I'd be able to stop this if it ever came about in the future.
Now fast forward if ever there's some kind of issue my partner is fully on my mil side, it's like she can do no wrong anymore, it's causing so much tension between us all the time, we seem to be constantly arguing over it! I get it's his mother at the end of the day, but I really don't want them to have such involvement in my life the way they once did. I don't mind being civil but anymore just gives me major anxiety! I just don't know what to do as it's like it's a constant battle.

@DBML

Hi op

You mother sounds as if she WAS awful. What is she like now?

When my mother was younger, she had many problems with her in-laws and I know they were hard work. My dad was supportive of my mother.
As they all aged, my grandparents mellowed a lot, but mum never let her grudge go. She carried every past piece of negativity around with her and couldn’t understand how my dad could let it go. It caused many a row.

That’s why I ask, what is she like now?

Your husband/partner will be wanting easy and calm relationships with his family understandably. He wants his mother to be in his life and his daughters life. I can understand this too. Are you able to put the past in the past and move forward?

My MIL was cruel and spiteful to me. She wanted her son to marry a girl from her own cultural background. She actively tried to introduce my husband to other girls. When my son was born, she tried to get my husband to leave the country with her for a while. She said malicious things about me; called me spoiled and snobby; left me out of family events; never put up a plate of food for me. DH ended up not speaking to her for around 6 years. It was me who encouraged the relationship to repair in the end and now DH and his mother are on good terms and his mother actually loves me and says the nicest things about me, says how lucky she is etc. I’ll never forget what happened in the past, but I can easily let it all go and move forward to a future where we just all get along. Because I love my husband.

Are you able to do that or is mil still a controlling person?

I defiantly can't put everything behind me, I am prepared to be civil which is how I am now, but no more than that, the comments she has made in the past year since we have been going that once a month has really proved to me she hasn't changed as a person. She still shows controlling behaviours in ways and when I tell my partner that he doesn't seem to realise it and sticks up for her, he seems to feel like he is the one that looses in this situation, if I tell him about it he often gets overly emotional and says he feels like he has 'no one' which I say you have me and our little girl and he says outside of that he doesn't, and he wishes maybe things could be different with his family

I said to him before it is him and he said everyone is equal I love you and our baby just as much as I love them there is no one above anyone else

This is part of your problem. He can love his family as much as anyone else, but if he’s not willing to prioritise you and your child over his mother then he is putting them above you.

Counselling for both of you. Together. It’s the only way to get through it if you genuinely want to stay together and get to a resolution if he currently won’t listen. But be prepared for the resolution not to be the one you want.

It must be difficult for your partner to be in this situation, your MIL sounds poisonous and is probably filling his ears with all sorts about you.

IMO leaving him would be a bit far if your relationship is otherwise good, but give him an ultimatum - you are going NC with her and you don't want to talk about her any more, she's also not seeing the baby. Otherwise he can move out.

As time has gone on she in between the once a month we go she rarely even messages him, but when we go this once w month she always seem to say/do something that frustrates me in some kind of way, and when I tell my partner this, this is when he always seems to side with them like they do no wrong anymore.

I think a lot of men are attracted to the easy solution and I suppose with your mil having moderated her behaviour - to be fair to her going from ringing all the time to hardly ringing between meet-ups is quite a significant change - it's tempting for him to say to himself "everything is ok now" and stick his head in the sand. My DH has this attitude too. He "persuades" himself out of a difficult situation by telling himself that it is better than it is in reality just to keep the peace.

Do you mind me asking what has prompted you to post at this particular time when things have (outwardly anyway) improved a bit?

Could you perhaps bide your time a bit and see how things go for a while? The situation at this stage probably requires a lot of give and take from both sides but at the same time I can understand your unwillingness to forgive and forget when she has been so personally insulting to you.

And no, you can't cut them out of your life as you will always be connected through your DH, but in my direct experience, there will probably come a point when, as your DC grows up, your mil will do or say something that puts your dh's loyalties right on the line and at that point he will have to choose. It's at that point you will have to make a choice yourself, depending on what he decides to do.

To be honest, I’m not surprised your DP is a bit fed up. You see MIL once a month & then spend the days after pulling apart every comment that she’s made.

I accept that she is a controlling bag, but pick your battles. Let her snarky comments wash over you. Who cares if she thinks DD will sleep over. You don’t want it to happen, so it won’t - you don’t need to get into an argument with DP because she dared to suggest it.

Also, ask your DP not to pass along texts from MIL unless they are something you actually need to know.

@Shelby2010

To be honest, I’m not surprised your DP is a bit fed up. You see MIL once a month & then spend the days after pulling apart every comment that she’s made.

I accept that she is a controlling bag, but pick your battles. Let her snarky comments wash over you. Who cares if she thinks DD will sleep over. You don’t want it to happen, so it won’t - you don’t need to get into an argument with DP because she dared to suggest it.

Also, ask your DP not to pass along texts from MIL unless they are something you actually need to know.

This 100%

Unless you have some credible reason to fear she will abuse the children (emotionally or otherwise) just leave him to it!! You sound controlling tbh. She's a bitch but she's his mum. He goes 1x a month so just let him go without you.

You sound like the only outcome you will actually accept is him completely cutting contact with her which is ridiculous. He won't so instead you sit in the room monitoring his meeting time like a po faced referee.

If there was any sniff of abuse or neglect, I'd be on your side but there isn't!

Regarding posters saying "just ignore it" "let it wash over you" - why should you let her insult and belittle you? Do you think your partner would tolerate that from your parents? Stop going to see her.

@hereyehearye she has shown behaviour that like I said I don't think is appropriate if you read further down I mentioned about the way she quizzes her other grand child once she goes to her fathers which I think is wrong,

@Shelby2010

To be honest, I’m not surprised your DP is a bit fed up. You see MIL once a month & then spend the days after pulling apart every comment that she’s made.

I accept that she is a controlling bag, but pick your battles. Let her snarky comments wash over you. Who cares if she thinks DD will sleep over. You don’t want it to happen, so it won’t - you don’t need to get into an argument with DP because she dared to suggest it.

Also, ask your DP not to pass along texts from MIL unless they are something you actually need to know.

I don't spend days after picking things apart, if you've read properly you would know I said appart from this we have a brilliant relationship

Oh goodness what a mess! I think both your DH and MIL are to blame here
MIL clearly had problems letting go early on in your relationship, how old was DH then? If it was my teen and I expected them to be home at a certain time and they were very late then yes I would be worried and text. By the time you are in your twenties that has tie has been streched but it's still polite if you are in the same house to say I'm going to x and will be back y time and if you change plans a quick text to day I'm going to stay over etc. His mum sounds anxious. Moving out and not telling her he was moving or where he was going is cruel!
He needs to set firm boundaries.
Its very hard for you to be stuck in the middle but I think having some contact is good however not fair if they are making you the scapegoat. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his decisions

[quote Bittersweet12]@hereyehearye she has shown behaviour that like I said I don't think is appropriate if you read further down I mentioned about the way she quizzes her other grand child once she goes to her fathers which I think is wrong,[/quote]
So what? How is quizzing a grandchild abuse?

Put down your end of the rope. She will see your child ONCE A MONTH MAXIMUM. She isn't insulting the child, denigrating, abusing, nothing. Her input is unimportant unless you make it important.

What is your goal? Yes, she's a bitch and he's weak but you married him! Divorce him and she'll be the 2nd parent. She'll have your child every other weekend and once midweek, MINIMUM. You are storing up so much trouble for yourself. And your child.

Alienate your DH now over these tiny unimportant sarky remarks and he will have no patience for when it's time to fight the real battles. Like her saying your DD will stay over. Instead of going home and arguing about it, the time to have the fight was WHEN SHE ASKED IF SHE COULD STAY. One fight instead of two.

If you don't hear anything else, hear this: your DH is used to having an irrational, petty, possessive mother. He is used to tuning her out. He is used to feeling put upon and sniping at her. If you fight the way she fights, he will do the same. You think you can win but you can't. She's got decades of fear, obligation and guilt to work with. Your "anxiety" requires you to endlessly point out things his mum has done wrong will end your marriage and begin the real battle, which will be watching your MIL raise your children as the co-parent. He will move back home. She will be triumphant.

I agree with hereyehearye

You and your MIL are sounding very alike.

Overall she's been very disrespectful and also massively over bearing.

I agree with other pp that you really need to think about a strategy here.

Fight clever.

What is your goal.
He sounds pathetic to me, in the nicest way, you are the other woman. He simply wasn't mature enough to have babies with.

I suggest as pp said to pick your battles and drop the rope. Ignore what she says, but when it comes to action... Definitely stop it ie the sleep over. But don't do it in a angry way, just say its not happening, he knows why...

Limit the time they spend (dc with her)

Little ideas, out of interest what do you suggest op does and how should she respond to the way op has treated her?

@hereyehearye

I agree . And the poster acknowledges she is picking on every little thing . I don’t think people should have to chose . And we are only hearing one side of the story .

If once a month is all that has to be tolerated I suggest try letting things go . Unless it’s really bad , in which case the husband will obviously see it as well . Just try and not get preconceived ideas about every single comment .

What you see as controlling , she sees as love ( probably wrongly] apparently she is a good grandparent . So why would you give your child a broken home over having to grey rock someone once a month .

I feel sorry for the husband .

@hereyehearye you're right, at the moment she's not interfering enough to effect my child. If we were to separate she would have a lot more input which would more than likely cause more damage. It's just hard to not pick at some comments she makes as I know her intention to these comments is to upset me. I guess I just need to work on letting them slide over my head instead of telling him these comments are effecting me, then when the time comes of her picking a bigger fight which it defiantly will then maybe it would be a little different thank you very much for your advice really took that on board

[quote Unsure33]@hereyehearye

I agree . And the poster acknowledges she is picking on every little thing . I don’t think people should have to chose . And we are only hearing one side of the story .

If once a month is all that has to be tolerated I suggest try letting things go . Unless it’s really bad , in which case the husband will obviously see it as well . Just try and not get preconceived ideas about every single comment .

What you see as controlling , she sees as love ( probably wrongly] apparently she is a good grandparent . So why would you give your child a broken home over having to grey rock someone once a month .

I feel sorry for the husband .[/quote]
I don't think you should feel sorry for him, and him compelwltey cutting them off for the period of time he did caused this.. but each to there own

Stick in there and stand your ground, I think people who are telling you to leave him are wrong. He is probably trying to keep peace as understandably he wants a relationship with his mum too.
I have issues with MIL making back handed comments and also trying to muscle in on every family activity I do with my children but I have learnt to say NO and let her either deal with it or act like a child.
My children are just that MY CHILDREN and it's my family and I won't people please to make everyone else happy. I will let her in because she is amazing with the kids but I won't let her take over.
Don't be a pushover. Try to even have a day out just you two and air some of your feelings? What's the worst that can happen

[quote Bittersweet12]@hereyehearye you're right, at the moment she's not interfering enough to effect my child. If we were to separate she would have a lot more input which would more than likely cause more damage. It's just hard to not pick at some comments she makes as I know her intention to these comments is to upset me. I guess I just need to work on letting them slide over my head instead of telling him these comments are effecting me, then when the time comes of her picking a bigger fight which it defiantly will then maybe it would be a little different thank you very much for your advice really took that on board [/quote]
I'm so glad you took my comments the right way. Don't get me wrong. She sounds horrific and you are 100% right to dislike her but you have to be more strategic and work on letting the little stuff go. Come and vent here!

And if there's really no threat to your child, stop visiting and just stay home! And be ready to protect your child when the bigger stuff begins because unfortunately it will. And you need to focus your energy on being a stable well boundaried adult because your DH is still stuck in child pleasing mummy mode.

Honestly, you should feel sorry for her because she is so insecure and unhappy that she needs to pick at you. She's so jealous and unhappy that your DH loves you and you're a threat. Laugh it off. Shake it off. Don't give her power.

@peachypetite

Your mistake was ever continuing a relationship with this man and having a child together. I couldn’t carry on living like that.

Unecessary vile comment.

@hereyehearye defiantly did take that the right way it's some good advice and I'm glad I wrote on here because I really will take that on board thank you again for reading my massive rant and answering honestly! I'm going to work a lot harder on letting the small comments just go over my head and brace myself for the things that will actually matter! X

OP. I feel for you this is one reason my relationship ended. When he found out I was pregnant all of sudden my fil was never well wanting lifts to appts from his son etc. When child was born he kept phoning at stupid hours and calling in unannounced. He even walked into the house and sat down whilst the midwife was there. I had PND and PTSD but no his needs came 1st. His other kids wives chase him and I wonder if hes pulled this shite on them aswell. I was glad to escape it you need to put your mental health 1st

Agree with @hereyehearye to save your battles. You're caught up trying to remove MIL from DH life when you should focus on yourself and your family. Ignore MIL current silly comments. Why would DH argue or go no contact over MIL saying to a 6month old (that doesnt even understand) that she will soon sleepover? Its nothing because DD isnt going to stay over. MIL prob just does it to get a rise out of you (and its working).

Personally I think DH has actually done what some PP complain he hasn't, he has chosen you and DD over his mother and only sees his mother once a month, as you say he would see them more if not for you. Yes he is choosing to bury his head in the sand and let the comments slide to keep the peace, but that may be "ok" as there's no threat/abuse- yet. Your DD is 6months, MIL cannot interrogate her like your DH's niece. Once she gets older or MIL gets worse then by all means do what you need to do to protect DD. If MIL is as manipulative and horrible like you say, she has prob realised that pressuring your DH will push him into your arms so she has changed her strategy. She has backed off DH, not calling as much and instead makes comments to get you and Dh arguing, potentially leading to divorce so her darling son comes back to her. Dont fall for it. I think youre frustrated because you can see the true person your MIL is and your DH cant. You want him to go no contact but its his mother and its not gonna happen by you trying to convince him. He is a grown man and needs to make his own decisions. So change ur game plan and be civil during visits or dont even go, and dont say a word about it afterwards to DH. If he brings her up just be casual like "id rather not talk about MIL and prefer you leave me out of it". Focus on your own life and your DD and be happy. Believe me your DH will notice and so will MIL. When she knows she cant get a rise out of you she will either get that she wont win this and give up, or she will up the ante and go and your Dh will wake up and see whats what . And if he doesnt, well thats the time you say he can keep going but you and DD aren't, or divorce if he has no backbone.

@Zuzu5

Agree with *@hereyehearye* to save your battles. You're caught up trying to remove MIL from DH life when you should focus on yourself and your family. Ignore MIL current silly comments. Why would DH argue or go no contact over MIL saying to a 6month old (that doesnt even understand) that she will soon sleepover? Its nothing because DD isnt going to stay over. MIL prob just does it to get a rise out of you (and its working).

Personally I think DH has actually done what some PP complain he hasn't, he has chosen you and DD over his mother and only sees his mother once a month, as you say he would see them more if not for you. Yes he is choosing to bury his head in the sand and let the comments slide to keep the peace, but that may be "ok" as there's no threat/abuse- yet. Your DD is 6months, MIL cannot interrogate her like your DH's niece. Once she gets older or MIL gets worse then by all means do what you need to do to protect DD. If MIL is as manipulative and horrible like you say, she has prob realised that pressuring your DH will push him into your arms so she has changed her strategy. She has backed off DH, not calling as much and instead makes comments to get you and Dh arguing, potentially leading to divorce so her darling son comes back to her. Dont fall for it. I think youre frustrated because you can see the true person your MIL is and your DH cant. You want him to go no contact but its his mother and its not gonna happen by you trying to convince him. He is a grown man and needs to make his own decisions. So change ur game plan and be civil during visits or dont even go, and dont say a word about it afterwards to DH. If he brings her up just be casual like "id rather not talk about MIL and prefer you leave me out of it". Focus on your own life and your DD and be happy. Believe me your DH will notice and so will MIL. When she knows she cant get a rise out of you she will either get that she wont win this and give up, or she will up the ante and go and your Dh will wake up and see whats what . And if he doesnt, well thats the time you say he can keep going but you and DD aren't, or divorce if he has no backbone.

Again another really got bit of advice!! Thank you. I agree at this current moment her commenys are only effecting me and not my child, so I do need to Ignore her silly comments and I agree she probably just says then to get a rise out of me which she has been! I never even thought about him choosing me to be honest, and you've made me realise in ways he probably has yeah! I do just wish sometimes he'd address the comments but instead he doesn't, I'm sure when my girl gets older she will defiantly be more manipulating, the way she is with her other grand daughter. You are probably right in saying she has changed her strategy because that seems like what she has done! And you hit it on the head with saying that's my furtration is me being able to see her true colours and he can't, that's it! I wish he would go no contact but I would never ever expect that from him and I would never ask that of him, he does need to make his own decisions. I really will try and focus on my own life rather than getting ate up over her. The future will only tell how things will be and I guess all I can do is focus on the now. Thank you again for your helpful advice! X