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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be anxious about father in law coming for Christmas?

63 replies

Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 22:28

My FIL lives abroad with MIL. He has just been diagnosed with cancer and has been told he will need chemo. They had already booked to come and stay with us over Christmas. Of course I have no issue with this but given the circumstances I'm anxious about him coming, whether that be if he picks anything up while travelling or him falling really unwell while he's over here and ending up in hospital. I'm also worried about DC seeing him unwell and it upsetting them. I don't know what to say to DH.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 09/10/2020 22:41

Well what do you want to say? It's important that if your FIL feels well enough to come that he come....don't try to cancel on him for goodness sakes.

Children will deal with it...tell them he's not been well and sometimes that can affect the way people are...they can be more tired and grumpy. But reassure them that he loves them very much and that's why he's coming.

RedDiamond · 09/10/2020 22:46

Go with the flow. If FIL makes it over good! If he makes it over but is unwell, just tell the DC that FIL is unwell. You do not have to tell them what it is at this stage. And I am sure, no matter how FIL feels, he will ALWAYS have time for his grandchildren.

PurpleDaisies · 09/10/2020 22:49

It’s fine to talk about the practicalities of how to make it work and how you’re feeling worried. Your dh might also be anxious.

Alexandernevermind · 09/10/2020 22:50

I agree with Fortunes, the children will cope with it. The circle of life is important for them to understand, respect, and not fear. I took my 5 yo DD to see my very sick Grandfather on his deathbed as he adored her. She understood grandad wasn't well as we chatted about it before and she was absolutely fine. My family were against it but I'm so pleased we did it.
You have the Covid complication of course, so I would imagine that would mean you have to isolate for two weeks before he comes, which may be very difficult over Christmas.
I guess have a plan in place in case he does become ill, certainly make sure he has medical insurance.
Only you know what is best for your family, but it sounds as though he is a very sick man who wants to spend time with the people he loves.

Original poster

Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 22:52

I just want to try to express my concerns without it coming across the wrong way. Obviously with the coronavirus situation I’m worried for him travelling, he has COPD anyway and now he has cancer if he’s started the chemo by then I imagine his immune system will be down. I don’t know how to say I’m not sure it would be the most sensible idea without it being taken the wrong way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 22:54

Both my DC are under 4, I’m worried if the chemo is taking affect and he’s vomiting etc it might frighten them. It sounds so awful and selfish on my part I know but I don’t mean it to be.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/10/2020 22:59

I don't think you can do that sensitively, Blossom1990. To me it just sounds as if you have your idea of your little family for Christmas and this complication of your FIL's additional health problems is giving you angst at what this might mean for your Christmas plans.

Your children will cope. This is a family member and they are not to be discarded. If your FIL isn't well enough to attend then that should be his decision and not 'helped along' by you expressing your concerns. What does your husband think of your concern about his father attending for Christmas?

I'm sorry if I've got you wrong but that's what I interpret from your posts. It will come across in the wrong way if you say anything to dissuade your FIL coming to you for Christmas. It just will, so don't; that's my advice.

FortunesFave · 09/10/2020 23:00

It's up to him OP...your FIL I mean. If he is thinking that he won't live much longer then it's HIGHLY likely that he wants to see his son and his grandchildren before he dies.

You mustn't try to put the visit off or tell your DH that it's not a good idea. Your DH will already be very worried about his Dad.

The fact that your DC are under 4 is a good thing. If your FIL is unwell, vomits or anything else upsetting, you have to be on the ball and distract them...take them to the garden.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/10/2020 23:03

cross-posted with your last post, OP. Have your children vomited before? You can explain this one... that their grandfather isn't well, might be sick, but also may not. Reassure them that he wants to see them.

You can take them out of the house for fresh air anyway, everybody gets a breather then.

Honestly, I think you're worrying about this unnecessarily. Wait and see how things are and obviously if FIL is still well enough to come then find out what he may need. Preparation may help with your anxiousness about his visit.

Original poster

Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 23:05

DH just said that he isn't sure he will make it either, and that if he doesn't he will probably go to them for New Year or something. They are a 5 hour flight away which obviously makes it harder and they are no longer entitled to NHS treatment as they are classed as legal residents of the country they moved to.
We're not sure at the moment what stage we're at, we just know its cancer and that he will need chemo, but we are awaiting results on if it has spread but they are hoping they have caught it before it had chance to.
I think going with the flow is the best idea, he knows how he'll feel more than anyone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 23:10

My 4 year old has vomited before and remembers it so he understands it, but not so much my youngest.
I think you're probably right lyingwitch and I'm worrying when there isn't need yet, that's the kind of person I am in general, a huge worrier! I suppose he'll know how he feels, and I'm sure he would discuss with his doctor prior if travelling would be sensible or not and they will give him an indication. I obviously don't know if he will have started chemo by then or if he has how often he would be having it.

OP posts:

Smil · 09/10/2020 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 23:17

@Smil Fucking hell, that's a bit extreme! I'm worried for him travelling on a plane in case he catches anything, as he has COPD and will have a weak immune system.. and should he fall ill in the UK they won't have his notes over here and as I said we're not sure if he would be entitled to NHS treatment!
No need for such a nasty, horrible message.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/10/2020 23:17

Smil that is really, really unkind.

Left · 09/10/2020 23:17

Could you look into travelling to them instead?

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 09/10/2020 23:17

The only thing you should be concerned about is whether it's safe for him to travel to see you due to the coronavirus.

Your other 'concern' about upsetting your DCs is ludicrous.

Throckmorton · 09/10/2020 23:19

Bloody hell Smil, that's unecessarily harsh. OP's said she gets anxious and over thinks things

seayork2020 · 09/10/2020 23:21

You posts come across as all about you, have you really genuinely thought about him at all?

Asterion · 09/10/2020 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

Smil · 09/10/2020 23:23

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 23:26

@Left Yes that would be an option, it is just that they had already booked the flights to come to us previously and we're not entirely sure how easy it is to get COVID test and flight passes.
I think it stems from the fact I have an extreme phobia myself of vomiting, and although I would handle it if he was (as its mainly around myself being sick) I know it stems from seeing my mother being violently sick when I was a child, and I know what a debilitating phobia it is and I suppose I'm just scared in case it was to trigger something similar for them. Silly I know.

@Smil I have reported you.

OP posts:

Rosebel · 09/10/2020 23:29

My daughter's were 2 and 4 when my FIL died from cancer. At that age it was easy to just say grandad was sick but we saw him every week and to them he was still just grandad.
It's upsetting though. My youngest (now 12) has no memories of him and my eldest does remember him but just barely.
Don't deprive him of this time with his son and grandchildren and try not to worry.
Your FIL will know the risks and if he's willing to take them it's up to him. I don't think you can say anything to your husband. No matter how you say it I'm pretty sure it will sound like you don't want FIL to come. Hopefully all will be well but if it isn't your husband may resent you for robbing him of time with his dad.

Original poster

Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 23:32

@Asterion I suppose when you put it like that, common sense would say that if he's that unwell, he wouldn't be flying in the first place. As you say I'm probably best to let them all be the judge of whether its a sensible idea or not. I know prior to his diagnosis he had hardly left their house anyway due to his COPD making him at risk if he was to catch COVID. So I'd like to think they wouldn't take any risks even more so now.
They are of course always more than welcome and I should stop worrying and trust that they will make the most sensible choice and if it comes to it, we'll go to them. I think we'll have a better idea of things once we know the extent of the cancer as at the moment we are still in limbo until the final results come back.

OP posts:

Asterion · 09/10/2020 23:32

[quote Blossom1990]@Left Yes that would be an option, it is just that they had already booked the flights to come to us previously and we're not entirely sure how easy it is to get COVID test and flight passes.
I think it stems from the fact I have an extreme phobia myself of vomiting, and although I would handle it if he was (as its mainly around myself being sick) I know it stems from seeing my mother being violently sick when I was a child, and I know what a debilitating phobia it is and I suppose I'm just scared in case it was to trigger something similar for them. Silly I know.

@Smil I have reported you.[/quote]
Well that puts a different angle on your concerns.

It was my assumption that chemo only makes you throw up while you're having a cycle, and he wouldn't be travelling then, would he?

MadCattery · 09/10/2020 23:33

DH had Lymphoma and was having chemo when my son was getting married a two hr flight away. He was thin, pale, bald and looked ill by then, but flew fine (pre-COVID) and rested a lot until the actual wedding. He had a good time, and now that he is five years recovered, we are all glad he went!

The children will be fine. Your father will need extra rest, so you can tell the children that grandpa needs a nap. DH had no vomiting, or very little, and they have medications to control that anyway. He had very little appetite, so every morning I would throw a protein shake, extra powdered protein, frozen papaya and other frozen fruit into a blender and make him a shake. Cancer patients need extra protein and papaya has some anti-cancer properties. Where we live, papayas grow easily. Actually, I believe papayas are natures perfect food, but I digress. Just keep him fed, and don't feel bad if his tastes have changed and he can't tolerate some foods. The chemo can cause some foods to taste metallic.

Make sure your FIL wears a mask and stays as far as he can from others, and enjoy him. Let him and his doctors decide if he can travel, but chemo alone isn't a reason not to.

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