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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be anxious about father in law coming for Christmas?

63 replies

Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 22:28

My FIL lives abroad with MIL. He has just been diagnosed with cancer and has been told he will need chemo. They had already booked to come and stay with us over Christmas. Of course I have no issue with this but given the circumstances I'm anxious about him coming, whether that be if he picks anything up while travelling or him falling really unwell while he's over here and ending up in hospital. I'm also worried about DC seeing him unwell and it upsetting them. I don't know what to say to DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 23:38

@Rosebel That's the same age as my children, I'm very sorry to hear that. I think its probably around the age of 4 that you start to collect your earliest memories isn't it.
That's true as you say, he'll know the risks and I'm sure with his doctors and MIL he will decide if they are worth taking. In a 'normal' world as long as he was feeling ok there would be nothing to cause anxiety about his stay really, its just obviously the COVID situation that complicates things, for one with the risks to him travelling and the complication of us having to get COVID tests/flight passes should we go to them. I think its just going to be a case of crossing bridges when we come to them.

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/10/2020 23:44

@Smil

Blossom oh please if you were at all worried about him You would not be expressing ludicrous concerns about your children having to see a sick old man, rather you’d want to give them all precious time together. People like you are so caught up in their own selves you truely need a reality check. You sound like an aweful example for your children from your attitude to your poor sick FIL
Report me too. I agree with Smil. You are focused on your children having a "perfect" Christmas and not seeing any illness or weakness from your FIL. News flash: Seeing someone throwing up does not destroy Christmas joy or scare them for life. He is their grandfather. He is the father of your husband. He is a person and he is ill, possibly dying. Help your husband sort out travel and doctors. Make your guest room comfortable. Practice caring.
lanthanum · 09/10/2020 23:45

He needs to consider travel insurance - or the potential costs if he can't get any. If he's still receiving treatment at the time, he should also check what his medics say about travel, and whether having been travelling will mean he's not allowed to attend for treatment, with/without any quarantining restrictions that might be in place.

Original poster
Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 23:45

@MadCattery Thank you very much, that has given me some reassurance. I'm sorry to hear about DH and I'm pleased to hear that he is recovered.
FIL and MIL have their own room when they stay here so there would be no issue of him being able to go for a lie down etc if he needs to (getting peace and quiet in this house with the DC is another thing though!)
As you say the doctors will be able to make the most educated decision as to whether it would be safe for him to travel or not. Hopefully he will be ok in terms of being able to travel and how he is feeling, and we'll all have the Christmas we deserve after this awful year.
I'll stock up on papayas!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 23:48

@GeorgiaGirl52 I'm not going to report you as your post gave practical advice, and you are entitled to your opinion.
Smil's comments were downright nasty and she more or less wished a lonely, painful death on me, so anymore comments from her will continue to be immediately reported.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 09/10/2020 23:49

I was going to say that they need to look into specialised travel insurance

Original poster
Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 23:55

@Asterion I have no idea, I assumed anyone that was currently having chemo was likely to vomit on a regular basis/several times a day until it completed? Is it only after you have had a ‘round’ as a rule?
I am ashamed to be ignorant and naive enough to not really be sure how it works, other than what I’ve seen on documentaries and the like.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 09/10/2020 23:58

I don’t think you should do or say anything. The U.K. will have more restrictions by Christmas. Their home country probably will have too. The chances of this trip happening are slim. Let your husband do the talking with his parents. Be his shoulder to lean on.

Original poster
Blossom1990 · 09/10/2020 23:59

@Ianthanun @ineedaholidaynow that’s true, surely there will be travel insurance to cover if he should need to go to hospital while he’s over here.
I know the country where they live have low levels of COVID and MIL hasn’t been allowed to visit him in hospital at all so whether there would be any type of quarantine restrictions that would have any detriment on his treatment when he got back I am unsure. It’s all if, buts and maybes at the moment until we know the full picture I suppose.

OP posts:
Smil · 10/10/2020 00:00

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Rosebel · 10/10/2020 00:03

I'm not sure why people think you don't want your FIL to come for Christmas. It sounds to me like you do want him to come but are worried about the practicalities.
Its understands to worry as you are anxious anyway and have a phobia of sick. I certainly never saw FIL be sick but don't know how typical that is. Let's be honest very few of us know about cancer or treatment until it actually affects us.

Original poster
Blossom1990 · 10/10/2020 00:05

@Smil you cannot even spell awful and start a post with ‘lol’ that shows your intelligence. I will carry on reporting and no longer be dignifying your posts with a response. I think it’s past your bedtime sweetheart, goodnight!

OP posts:
Asterion · 10/10/2020 00:11

@Smil

Lol go ahead and report me. Your suddenly changing your tone about accommodating for your sick FIL which was very different from your earlier posts. Agree with georgiagirl52, you are more anxious about not having your perfect little Xmas than allowing your children and husband to spend time with their father/grandfather. You call my comments unkind, perhaps look within. You wanted to deny an unwell man his chance with his family as it caused you too much worry. As she says, he’s a human being with an aweful illness, show compassion and kindness
I reported it too. It was absolutely vile.

A poster above you made more or less the same point that you did, but with sensitivity.

Smil · 10/10/2020 00:11

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Original poster
Blossom1990 · 10/10/2020 00:17

@Rosebel Thank you. If it was to do with the fact I am worrying about his 'ruining' my perfect Christmas, would I really be willing to go to them instead to lower the risk for him/make sure he is more comfortable as he would be in his own surroundings! There's nothing worse than feeling unwell and not being in your own home.
That's very true, unless you're a medical professional none of us really have any idea of how anyone reacts to cancer treatment other than seeing it on documentaries and that type of thing.

OP posts:
MadCattery · 10/10/2020 00:18

People ask questions because they don’t know the answers. It doesn’t matter WHY she worries about him coming, she doesn’t have any idea of what to expect! If you don’t have anything nice to say, you are not required to post an answer. There are a lot of misconceptions about cancer, and hopefully, most of you will never find out what it is really like. Like thinking the patient will vomit all the time. Some chemo will cause a LOT of nausea, and they have medication to help. Some types don’t cause much nausea at all. There are a lot of variations in treatments, and if one person has cancer, sometimes it feels like the whole family is suffering through it.

Everybody should just try to be nice. The current world out there is mean enough. I come here for a refuge from it.

Original poster
Blossom1990 · 10/10/2020 00:20

@smil Three degrees under your belt yet you can't even spell awful! Wow, maybe it should be back to school for you!
It's a good job he's not getting NHS care then if he would be in a hospital with people that have your attitude working there! Seriously, this is my last response to you now as you are doing nothing other than making yourself look like a vile person.

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Original poster
Blossom1990 · 10/10/2020 00:28

@MadCattery Thank you for that comment, I very much appreciate it. Smil is clearly having a bad night and has decided to take it out on me. She doesn't deserve any more attention as I think she is thriving on it.

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Throckmorton · 10/10/2020 00:30

Smil - if you are a doctor then your attitude and lack of compassion to the OP (who has made clear where her worries stem from) are even more awful. I've reported you too. Even if she were utterly uncaring, your post her her was in another league of nastiness entirely.

OP - some people have chemo with no sickness at all, so it's not a given. Hopefully he will get through it all with minimal side effects and come out the other side just fine.

2bazookas · 10/10/2020 00:40

. He's going to have to seek medical advice from the doctors treating him, about the safety, risks or consequences of travel during treatment. So all you need do is gently direct them towards " we'll have to be guided by the doctors".

 Also he will need to inform his travel insurance company that he is having cancer treatment .
Original poster
Blossom1990 · 10/10/2020 00:43

@Throckmorton Thank you, I appreciate that.
I think its things like that upsetting, harrowing scene from 'The C word' with Sheridan Smith, where she is constantly vomiting and was too weak to get herself out of the bath, that stick with me and have made me have maybe even a naïve belief, that is what everyone going through cancer treatment goes through for the entire time they are having the treatment.
My personal phobia has had a severe detrimental impact on my life, to the point where DH has to clean DC up if they vomit, and if I ever was to be diagnosed with cancer the thought of vomiting would be as scary in my head as the rest of what would come with it. But I digress. If FIL was to vomit I wouldn't get panicked as I know its not contagious and my phobia is only about myself being sick, I can look after drunk people vomiting etc as I know there is no chance of me catching it. I know that it started from seeing my Mum being violently sick when I was around 5 year old. But again, I digress and I didn't really want to have to explain myself to that extent but there you go.

I hope that will be the case that it will have only mild side effects and he comes out the other side ok, I work with a lady who had a similar cancer and she is absolutely fine now and it's more than 20 years later. Once we get the complete diagnosis and treatment plan we will have a better idea of what we are to expect. At the moment we are just in limbo and its the unknown which can sometimes be scary as anything in itself. Thank you again for your comment.

OP posts:
laudete · 10/10/2020 00:47

Kids cope with illness far better than you think. Just explain that grandpa is very poorly and can't move around much, etc. They will accept it. (Be emotionally prepared that they might ask if he's going to die, etc. Young kids have zero filter and will generally ask the sort of questions that are social no-nos for adults.) It's much worse to fudge the issue; kids mostly get worried when you aren't clear with the facts.

As for your medical concerns, get your spouse to double check they have medical insurance. And invest in some pleasantly scented room sprays, deodorisers, and cleaning products. If vomit is a bad trigger for you, getting rid of the smell will likely help a lot.

I hope you have a nice Xmas and FIL's health is stable while he visits you. Xx

Original poster
Blossom1990 · 10/10/2020 00:49

@2bazookas It never even crossed my mind until writing this thread about travel insurance, and of course the fact the doctor's will have their say as to whether its a sensible idea for him to travel or not. I'm honestly not sure whether they take out travel insurance as a rule when they come to stay with us, but of course now they will have to get some just in case should he need any treatment while he's here. I didn't even know they were no longer entitled to NHS treatment until DH said the other day, its something to do with them now being classed as legal residents of the county where they retired to so he is getting treatment on their version of the NHS.

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lakesidewinter · 10/10/2020 00:51

I'm wondering how practical this trip is going to be in reality OP.
How likely is it that Doc's are going approve this trip?
How feasible is insurance to cover both current health issues and Covid going to be
I would be inclined to push traveling to them in the new year.
(Although I think your dc would be fine)

lakesidewinter · 10/10/2020 00:54

If they are based elsewhere they would only be entitled to emergency care and be billed for everything else in the UK.
You have to complete a form which has your address and GP's details on when you go to hospital to check entitlement amongst other things.
Being a citizen doesn't give you healthcare rights, only residency does.