To be anxious about father in law coming for Christmas?

[Blossom1990]

My FIL lives abroad with MIL. He has just been diagnosed with cancer and has been told he will need chemo. They had already booked to come and stay with us over Christmas. Of course I have no issue with this but given the circumstances I'm anxious about him coming, whether that be if he picks anything up while travelling or him falling really unwell while he's over here and ending up in hospital. I'm also worried about DC seeing him unwell and it upsetting them. I don't know what to say to DH.

I imagine most vomiting is in the time immediately round treatment cycles and he won’t come unless he can fit those around the visit and the doctor says it’s safe for him to travel. It may not be the Christmas you dreamed of but it may be his last, or he and your DH will realise it’s a very real possibility it is, so I think you just have to manage it.

Of course severe vomiting can affect children. I suffered from it at the start of March (pregnancy related), and it was awful. Ds1 developed anxiety during lockdown to the point he needed intervention. He opened up and told the psychologist one of the factors which made it worse was his worry for me and the severe vomiting. Some children are more sensitive than others, they are all different.

Yanbu to be worried OP, it seems like a difficult amd delicate situation. But as PPs have said there may not be any vomiting, you don't really know yet how unwell your FIL is and if he will even be allowed to fly/visit. But I don't blame you for worrying about further complications if his health worsened here. It's best to leave the decision making to FIL and DH, if this happens to be his last Christmas you don't want the guilt or to be held responsible for ruining it despite your genuine concerns.

(Seems the trolls are out in force tonight! Do ignore them. You don't sound unkind or self centred at all)

@laudete That's very true about DC having no filter (If I posted some of the comments my 4 year has come out with, I'd be the one getting reported next!) We have managed to get away with not having to say anything yet, as when DH has Facetimed MIL and DC have asked where Grandad is (he's been in hospital almost 2 weeks) we have just said he's at the pub, or gone to the shops etc. My 4 year old is going through a 'why' phase to everything we say, so I know there will be a lot of questions!
We're quite lucky as we have an en suite, so myself and DH can just use that during their stay, and PIL can have the bathroom, only thing we'll need the bathroom for is to bath DC.
I will stock up on cleaning products, room spray etc though, even if its nothing more than for a bit of a mental safety net!
Thank you very much, that would be the best outcome so fingers crossed xx

It sounds like you're scared for yourself and how you'll handle it on an emotional level...illness frightens a lot of people.

When my DF had cancer the youngest grandchildren were the only ones who treated him like nothing was wrong.

The rest of us were so worried, but the kids just go with the flow.

DF had chemo. He didn't vomit...he didn't look frightening either...except while in hospital with tubes everywhere, which the kids didn't see.

Can you swap rooms with them for the duration of their visit? If he is unwell, he might feel more comfortable just having to get to the ensuite rather than the main bathroom, and any resulting emergency cleaning aspect that may be required?

That way you also with have the bath to yourself for your child at any time, which is what she is already used to.

My only other bits of advice is your FIL might need regular naps, the children will need to understand before Grandpa gets to yours, they need to play quietly at times.

And I have had both of my parents to stay during treatments. My Father was absolutely horrid when our dinner wasn't ready at ''his'' normal 5.30pm and shoved off to bed in a huff, despite being encouraged to have a decent afternoon tea earlier. We usually eat at 7pm when Hubby was home from work and showered.

It's those types of situations that can make things uncomfortable. Best sort them out up front.

As you mentioned, it is best to go with the flow, and your FIL has probably asked for doctors advice regarding any travel and medical issues etc. You might get more of an update of how he is later.

@lakesidewinter That is kind of what I was also trying to ask but I didn't word it very well. I'm not sure at all with COVID how likely they would be able to get insurance and doctor's approval. I suppose I just need to stop stressing and trust they will go with what the doctor's say. I'm worrying when I don't know what there is to worry about yet.
DH has said if they can't come over he'll wait and we'll go over for new year. He isn't very sentimental about Christmas really, other than for the DC.
I'm pretty sure they are classed as legal residents(?) of the country they now live in. I know that if we were to go there we have to get a COVID test 72 hours prior but they don't have to as they are entitled to a test at the airport upon arrival.

@SandyY2K Maybe on some level I am worried how I will handle it and you're right, it does scare me. I know its no where near as scary for anyone else as it is for FIL but I think you probably have made a good point that I didn't even realise and I am scared. I'm sorry to hear about your DF but I'm glad to hear it doesn't sound like he suffered too much from the chemo.

@Ding123 Thank you for your comment, and thank you for understanding. I've had a few attempts at therapy for my phobia and I know it stems from seeing my Mum being violently sick when I was young, as you say I think some children are maybe just more predisposed to these kind of things than others. I hope your DS1 is feeling better now. I think you are right and my best bet would be to not say anything about my concerns and just wait and see what the doctors advise and trust their opinion either way and that the best decision will be made. Trolls are in force tonight! They must have had a few drinks with it being the weekend and are getting mouthy!

@expat101 That's a point, they would be more than welcome to swap rooms with us and then if FIL wants some space he can go to our room and not have to leave it until he feels like it as we have the toilet and shower in the en suite. He can just take himself up there for as often and as long as he likes, and as you say he won't feel like he had to make sure it is free when it comes to DC's bathtimes.
I'm sorry to hear both your parents have had treatment. Although my DF likes his dinner at 5.30pm every night and if its later he soon gets grouchy so I'm kind of used to that!!
@1forAll74 You're right, I think once they give him the rest of his results and the treatment plan we will probably have a clearer picture. I don't even have any idea at the moment if he will have started treatment by Christmas. I would imagine so as I would think they will start it asap but as I said previously this is all new to me.

OP they definitely won't be entitled to NHS care free of charge because they aren't resident in the UK.
We currently live abroad and even though we own a house in the UK and are citizens we aren't entitled to free care because we don't live there. We need insurance for UK.

The doctors won't know about insurance so maybe your DH could help your PIL look into that. It may not be possible at present?

I don't think your worries are strange at all particularly with your background.

OP it sounds like fil has a very recent diagnosis and 'needs chemo' can be such a huge range of treatment plans. For example, my dp needed just one (massive) dose of chemo after testicular cancer - no hair loss or weight loss, my friends dm needed several doses over many months and was shockingly unwell.

Play it by ear. Christmas is what, 10 weeks away - and you have no idea what his treatment plan is yet, or how harsh his chemo regime is likely to be. His doctors will be the ones advising him whether or not to travel, and I suspect that he will struggle to find travel insurance (and if he does it could be very expensive) that will cover him between cycles/due to covid. And that's before we even begin to consider travel quarentine restrictions - is his country one which is currently on the 'safe' list?

So many variables. If he feels well enough to travel, plan to welcome them with open arms. The dc will barely register that grandad is poorly if he's well enough to travel 5 hours, even if he's looking different, a simple conversation about him being poorly and needing to rest should suffice.

Until you have a clearer idea of his treatment plan I wouldn't want to make any plans.

Wouldn't his COPD stop him traveling anyway?

My DF's DP has it. She won't even see her own son if he has to travel to her by public transport.

I'm not sure if his COPD would stop him travelling, I assumed it was their choice whether it was worth taking the risk to travel or not, but I might be wrong.
@Ffsffsffsffsffs Thank you. I think you have hit the nail on the head. I didn't realise that some people just have one dose of chemo, I always assumed it was over the course of several months. I've decided to play it by ear like you say.
@lakesidewinter I thought that would be the case, if I'm honest I don't know the finer details of it, other than they are no longer classed as residents of the UK, when Brexit was looming they applied for something which protected them from being made to come back to the UK but at the same time meant they gave up things that UK citizens are entitled to like the NHS (I believe, you are more likely to know more than I do with you currently living abroad yourself!)

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice, and thank you Mumsnet HQ for being so proactive in dealing with the not so helpful comments last night x