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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That girl

58 replies

Brieminewine · 08/10/2020 22:42

AIBU or does anyone look back at their younger years and feel sorry for 'that girl'? Full disclosure I'm from a normal family, good childhood, no abuse etc, pretty standard 90s childhood.

I don't know if it's because of joining MN and reading peoples awful stories and thinking of some things that happened that probably weren't okay, or if it's just because I'm getting older and realising it wasn't quite right.

Nothing especially traumatic happened but sometimes I think back about times I wanted to say no but didn't and situations I found myself in that I really shouldn't have been in. Things like working in a pub at 14 and being harassed by locals and the landlady doing nothing, walking home school at 15 and a guy about 23 pulling over daily pursuing me until I was 'seeing' him but making me keep it a secret. Nights out when I didn't want to talk to a guy but they pester you and just giving in and chatting.

At the time you just think it's life and growing up but now I'm a mum I would be devastated if that was my daughter and I swear that my girl will always say no and know her own worth. Is it just me or does anyone else think things have changed so much over these recent years your adolescence years just don't sit right with you anymore?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 08/10/2020 22:45

I feel sorry for the little girl who could not concentrate at infant and junior school because her home life was horrible. I feel sad at not being loved like a child should be, and that is why i love my own children to death now x

MasksGlovesSoapScrubs · 08/10/2020 22:46

I was born in 92 and what you describe would have freaked me the f out.
I see your point though. Not everyone but when a lot of people are younger they brush stuff off.
I had this boyfriend when I was 17 who looking back was a controlling tosser and he had really weird behaviour and definitely a narcissist.
I feel sorry for the woman he is with now.

NW2SW · 08/10/2020 22:47

Yes, I was thinking about this the other day. When a group of us went out to a club and one got some unwanted attention we had actual tactics to get rid, literal formations to create a barrier and ways to try and drop any random man who refused to listen to us. At the time it was annoying, but it's really depressing in hindsight

WinWinnieTheWay · 08/10/2020 22:49

I try not to think about my younger self too much, it makes me too angry and full of despair. My daughters don't have that life and if a boy/man tries any nonsense on with my girls I'll see that they are prosecuted and carry the burden of their actions for the rest of lives. In my experience and opinion, men are the biggest threat to my children's happiness.

ludothedog · 08/10/2020 22:52

Yes, yes and yes. Up to and including having sex with someone because it was easier to do that than to keep saying no. Too many different instances. I do worry about my teen daughter. Sad

FeckOffCup1 · 08/10/2020 22:52

I was thinking similar recently while I was going through some old photos at my mums house. There was a photo of me aged 13/14 and I just looked so skinny and awkward and clearly trying to do a natural smile like everyone else in the photo. Anyone else would look at that photo and just see a happy teenage girl but I nearly burst into tears knowing how much shit I’d gone through even though I was still so young. I just wanted to reach into the photo and give myself a hug.

user1473878824 · 08/10/2020 22:53

I feel very sorry for teenage and young twenties me and just the shit I put up with and how people - and men - saw me probably because of how I saw myself. But I’m also very embarrassed by it even though really it makes no difference to my life now.

Original poster
Brieminewine · 08/10/2020 22:53

Yeah like especially the male attention thing, at 14/15 you think you’re so cool and grown up but in hindsight I was still a kid and those grown men should have known better but girls were taught to be nice and polite back then. Whereas now I would have no problem in telling some creep to back the fuck off, but back then I didn’t and that makes me feel a bit sad!

OP posts:
FeckOffCup1 · 08/10/2020 22:55

user1473878824 ‘people - and men -‘ 😂

FrenchtoEnglish · 08/10/2020 23:05

I worry that it's even worse now. All this choking and causal sex on Tinder and pornification of girls. Men expect sex. They're into different things than they were back in the day. Young girls are under more pressure than we were pre-Internet. It was bad when we were young. Bad. But I think it's worse now. I don't know what we can do about it. It's so depressing. Has the Internet made it all much worse? Or am I just naïve and this nasty shit has always been around? I had a male friend who used to drive to Manchester airport to get a top-shelf magazine (berceuse he didn't want to be seen). Men now can get any porn they want... really nasty stuff... on their phones. And the vast majority use porn (I think). Does this stuff give them ideas... or were they always like this?

crimsonclover · 08/10/2020 23:16

Absolutely! And now I have daughters. Its horrible to look back and see myself being mistreated, perved over by older men etc. Not only these situations but things like being in a new Saturday job at 16 - the boss taking money out of my £20 pay-packet every week because she thought the fivers disappearing from the till was me. I didn't have the confidence to approach her about it! I was also too embarrassed to tell my parents. (In hindsight I realise I was being set up by an older female coworker who was also bullying me - someone else I didn't stand up to).So many of these stupid situations I just couldn't speak up for myself. I'm honestly a little obsessive about teaching my daughters to stick up for themselves now but I hope it pays off.

Original poster
Brieminewine · 08/10/2020 23:24

I feel like if my parents had said to me ‘if you don’t want to do something say no’ then I would have slept with a lot less men! But then again, at 15/16/17 I was pretending to be at sleepovers but really I was out in the town putting myself in these risky situations so I can’t blame them! Honestly when I think of some of things I did in my teenage years I think of how badly wrong situations could have gone it’s scary!

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 08/10/2020 23:29

I can 100 % relate your OP and feel sad/angry about similar things and many other things too. To be honest to the point that I dont want much to do with that child, I've kind of disociated from her.
I too hope my daughters will have much better experiences. And yes, changing attitudes reframe everything.

Notfeelinggreattoday · 08/10/2020 23:54

I have different feelings , I was born in the 70's and was always taught you only do things you want to ? Nights out in clubs ,yes were approached and sometimes hassled by men but then women chatted up men as well , some who may not of appreciated it , but we knew how to deal with unwanted attention as much as you can do and most responded to a f**k off
i may have some regrets and some things i prob learnt the hard way
But i don't see all men as evil as previous poster and there are plenty of devious women around.
Personally i feel it was easier growing up then without instagram , snapchat etc to deal with
When you went home you could shut people out etc
Im glad i grew up as a teenager then rather than now personally

EstuaryBird · 08/10/2020 23:57

Absolutely. I’m 65 now and I wish that I could go back and tell my younger self to get off the path that she was on and see some of the ‘cool’ people for the total shits they really were.

I won’t go into details because I don’t give it headspace but ‘used and abused’ sums it up...and I still didn’t learn!

But now I have learned and all those experiences, the bad and the good, have made me as strong as iron. I often think that people who glide through life with no traumas might have an easier time but they don’t grow and they don’t appreciate the good things of life so much...

However, I’d love to be able to go back and have some very strong words with my 20 year old self.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 09/10/2020 00:38

Definitely! I met my first DH at 15, and has there been all the advert campaigns, and awareness of control and abuse then that there is now, I would have run a mile. My entire life would have been so so different.
Almost the worst thing, looking back, is that my parents adored him and wouldn't hear a word against him.
I don't know if I would have listened to them at the time, but they could have made me at least stop and think maybe.
Some times I put myself in what I now know was horrible danger too - had I been more confident in myself, a lot of them wouldn't have happened.

user1473878824 · 09/10/2020 00:44

@FeckOffCup1

user1473878824 ‘people - and men -‘ 😂
Hahah shit I didn’t quite mean it like that but it works.
TheLastStarfighter · 09/10/2020 00:45

No.

Sure I’d do things differently now, but I think that collectively the things we DIDN’T put up with made the world better, so we did good 😁

KilljoysDutch · 09/10/2020 00:53

Yes, 14 years old and sleeping with a 20 year old man and everyone including my own family and his knew about it. I just wanted to feel wanted.

CoolYourBeansMySon · 09/10/2020 00:57

I've had plenty of counselling to come to terms with where I am now and it makes me cry every time when they ask me what I would say to little me because I can only ever picture a photo taken of me aged about 5 on the lap of my godfather who went on to sexually abuse me a few years later. Even though it hadn't happened then I looked so sad and unhappy and I would love to scoop that wee girl up and give her the biggest hug. And then run away with her so the rest didn't happen.

alexdgr8 · 09/10/2020 00:59

when i was young there was absolutely no discussion or advice on anything like this, from either school or family.
school was merely academic and gaining courtesy stars.
everyone at home was busy with their own lives.
there was a general expectation in the air that one was polite and agreeable, esp to elders. never heard of having rights.
so looking back on it, given that creepy men were all older, it put me on the back foot; the awkwardness of trying to evade them while maintaining politeness.
i think this has changed for youngsters now. which is good.

BitOfFun · 09/10/2020 01:19

I really hope you're right, @alexdgr8.

expat101 · 09/10/2020 01:35

Hear Hear Estuary Bird I'm not much younger than you, and feel exactly the same way!

I would also like to go back and sort out a few other people who gave me a bloody hard time and told a lot of untruths for no reason!

Graphista · 09/10/2020 01:39

I think yabu as are a no of other posters for remotely thinking things are better now!

My dd is almost 20, we have a close and open relationship and I'm heartbroken, disappointed and furious when she and her friends tell me the crap they still have to deal with.

Of course wherever possible I've intervened including complaining to school and even when police have been involved (ex boyfriend stalking her) - and I'm telling you the authorities are no better on this shit now than they ever were.

Have you missed the highly publicised and frequent cases of extremely violent rapists and murderers getting off Scot free?

And no, I'm absolutely not saying give up and I do pursue matters as far as I am able (we made a formal complaint about the lack of action by the police at first with dds stalker for instance)

But I do think some of you with daughters not yet high school age are naive? In thinking all you'll need to do is rant at whoever you blame for them experiencing what is fairly inevitable (very unfortunately but true) regular sexual harassment and very likely assault.

Sorry op but I think you were let down by your parents, at that age they should've known where you were and not believed age old teen deception

Different to some on thread my childhood home was abusive inc sexually so I wasn't unaware but I did have very poor boundaries, and didn't for a long time think I was worth better treatment and still struggle with that

And yes the people who were supposed to protect me and supposed to care not only not doing this but even encouraging seriously dodgy situations like me dating a 32 year old at just turned 17.

But no, I don't think things are better now, if anything they're getting worse.

RichAndThickLikeCoffee · 09/10/2020 01:47

No I don't .

She didn't deserve pity . One for f my.friends when there day did a Facebook status on "what would you tell your younger.self" and I wrote.it's that is tell my younger self to "eff off, bitch"

I did have a difficult childhood and teen years, I guess. Domestic and sexual violence, bullying and abuse from different people especially from a parent. Chronic illness. Emotional health issues. Suicide attempts self harm eating disorders borderline personality disorder later diagnosed

But also I had good education pets nice holidays musical talent

I kind of feel self pity.because I was misunderstood a lot as a bike and punished. But it feels.wrong to.feel sad for that girl because I l ow my reaction to the way I was treated made it.worse. To be honest I think I brought a lot of my issues on myself. My father told me.I was annoying boring and I think I was.. An egotistical little madam

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