That girl

[Brieminewine]

AIBU or does anyone look back at their younger years and feel sorry for 'that girl'? Full disclosure I'm from a normal family, good childhood, no abuse etc, pretty standard 90s childhood.

I don't know if it's because of joining MN and reading peoples awful stories and thinking of some things that happened that probably weren't okay, or if it's just because I'm getting older and realising it wasn't quite right.

Nothing especially traumatic happened but sometimes I think back about times I wanted to say no but didn't and situations I found myself in that I really shouldn't have been in. Things like working in a pub at 14 and being harassed by locals and the landlady doing nothing, walking home school at 15 and a guy about 23 pulling over daily pursuing me until I was 'seeing' him but making me keep it a secret. Nights out when I didn't want to talk to a guy but they pester you and just giving in and chatting.

At the time you just think it's life and growing up but now I'm a mum I would be devastated if that was my daughter and I swear that my girl will always say no and know her own worth. Is it just me or does anyone else think things have changed so much over these recent years your adolescence years just don't sit right with you anymore?

I think I'd I hadn't painted myself as a victim and just made the best of it, not looked for attention of sympathy.for my.problems I would have had a better life but it's no point regretting the past. We can only move forwards.

Might not be a popular opinion but men in their 50s and 60s are looking more appealing tbh - they have more normal expectations than these sex crazed, porn deluded nutters. And some still have traces of a being an gentleman.

Page 3 looks tame nowadays.

Sorry to derail

I have some very 'strange' memories of an uncle (by marriage)
My auntie and he were a lovely couple, no dc so used to love having me and their other neice over to stay. They made such a fuss of me, l absolutely loved going there, my aunt was a fantastic cook and we'd all watch old Hollywood films (my uncle was a massive fan) whilst munching away on home made goodies with their dog at our feet, really idyllic and cosy.
Then one day my aunt took the dog out and for whatever reason l stayed back with my uncle and l went to the loo upstairs and he beckoned me into their bedroom where he had a projector permanently set up. I thought absolutely nothing of this at the time as he was always showing off things, his latest film memorabilia thing or whatever and telling it's history etc etc. But then he beckoned me to sit on the rug on the far side of the bed (so obscured from the bedroom door iyswim) and he sat next to me and just gave me this look as if he was clocking my reaction so far if that even makes sense. I just remember staring straight ahead at the wall and jut freezing really, whilst he just stared intently at the side of my face inches away I was just about 14. In the end l just randomly jumped up and muttered something about getting a drink and stayed downstairs till my aunt came home. I made sure to never stay home alone with him again.
Years later remember him teliing my daughter she was 'like a little film star' , a phrase he'd often used on me, which l always thought was just an innocent affectionate way of calling a little girl pretty - until that horrible day. I never left her alone with him for even a second.
For years l thought what did l do do to bring that out in my lovely uncle, l felt dirty and ashamed which l believe is typical of an abuse victim., though nothing actually happened lm convinced had l reacted in the 'right' way something horrendous would've happened that day.

i'm not saying the behaviour of others, esp men is better now, but the fact that some of you say your daughters come and tell you their experiences, that would have been unthinkable in my day and circle.
you kept your personal life personal. you didn't bother your parents/family with it. you were expected to sort out your own problems. they were not harsh, nobody discussed such things.
for example, if you got unfairly treated at school, by teachers, punished, you certainly would not tell your parents, as that would mean further punishment. that was the norm in most families.
there was much more deference to authority, school, other people generally. the assumption that seniority meant being right. and being junior meant being in the wrong, or up to something.

we were expected to do as we were told. if we said the teacher punished us unfairly, we would be told that we should be above suspicion.
so any difficulties with men would cause feelings of shame and embarrassment. nobody i knew would have shared that with their parents. both parties would have been mortified.

@alexdgr8

i'm not saying the behaviour of others, esp men is better now, but the fact that some of you say your daughters come and tell you their experiences, that would have been unthinkable in my day and circle. you kept your personal life personal. you didn't bother your parents/family with it. you were expected to sort out your own problems. they were not harsh, nobody discussed such things. for example, if you got unfairly treated at school, by teachers, punished, you certainly would not tell your parents, as that would mean further punishment. that was the norm in most families. there was much more deference to authority, school, other people generally. the assumption that seniority meant being right. and being junior meant being in the wrong, or up to something. we were expected to do as we were told. if we said the teacher punished us unfairly, we would be told that we should be above suspicion. so any difficulties with men would cause feelings of shame and embarrassment. nobody i knew would have shared that with their parents. both parties would have been mortified.

Was this the 60s or 70s? I wasn't born until early 80s but I do think previous generations were much less open to die using things like sexual harassment . Thank God for #MeToo

Yes, absolutely. The amount of dates and relationships I got into just because I didn't know how to say no...

Please add a trigger warning

My daughter will not endure the years of horrific abuse I went through I know that for certain. Will she still suffer at the hands of preditors? Most women do but I'll do my best to teach her what was never taught to me. 😭

Preditors haven't changed but I have and my daughter will be free to tell me anything. It was unthinkable to do so when I was young.

Why would a trigger warning be necessary ?

When I look back at situations and things we used to do, I'm amazed we're all still alive.

Conditioned from early years “ be kind” “be a good girl” and all these bollocks
Good girls don’t say “no” ,do they?

I watched threads on here witH statements like “I hate confrontation” and feel sorry and angry

Sorry for everybody conditioned to “be nice” as it’s difficult to break the mould

Angry for all CF’s taking advantage of somebody’s good nature

Yes. So many bad things happened to me, that when I think of them all I know I could probably write one of those sad books that go on to be best sellers.

Dp knows a little, but no one else in the whole world knows the full extent. Some of the things are so outrageous and horrific, I honestly think if I went to a therapist they would think it was all a lie, so I have buried it down.

Our DCS are 15 and 20 now, and they have no idea how utterly privileged they have been in comparison to my own childhood.

@BitOfFun

Why would a trigger warning be necessary ?

Because of the content within the thread I should imagine

This is not about myself, but as an adult with a DD of my own I have recently been thinking of some of the other girls I knew at school etc and how they were treated. There were 3 girls when we were about 14/15 who were dismissed by most of the other girls and all the teachers etc as attention seeking/trouble causing/'that sort'. They were hanging around with sixth form boys (and I think a few older than that) and seemed to swap boyfriends every other week (within the same group of boys). 2 of them were pregnant before 16 (the rumour was by the same man- an older friend of one of the sixth formers). Looking back they were obviously being taken advantage of and needed help and protection but at the time they were treated as the problem. I even remember hearing the head teacher warning some of the older boys that they (the younger girls) would lead them (the older boys) astray.

Yes... My life went off the rails. I reacted to trauma by seeking validation from men. Lots of clubbing, staying out at all hours. Parents never asked about anything I was doing. And there were predators a plenty circa 2000, as there are now.

But I also agree with previous posters than men back then were not warped by the internet like they are now... even though it's difficult to place responsibility entirely on the individual, as young men nowadays cannot understand what life is like without the dark influences in today's internet porn obsessed, free for all, accessible at any time, any place, culture of sex.

The older man may be wired the same genetically, but the brain and mind is different. And I found my soul mate in an older man. I don't think it's any coincedence. He is just decent and more humane than any bloke my age I've spent time with.

I don't feel sorry but I am embarrassed by some of my behaviour and think what a nasty person I could be. I probably still am but won't see that properly for another 20 years.

Yes op growing up in the 90s that was normal around my area. Getting chatted up at 13 on the bus home by a group of 25 year olds who would buy me and mates stuff in exchange for sexual favours. Never reported it it was just normal. Really bad now I have a 13 year old. The guy that used to be my 'boyfriend' now works for the local council.

Home from school in middle school uniform I should add

May have been upper school, long time ago we dont have 3 tiers anymore around here

This is exactly how I feel OP, I could of written this.
I don't really dwell on the past but since having my DD, I feel quite angry at the way men acted towards me when I was just a wee teen.
3 separate occasions I had my boobs and privates grabbed by strangers, I've had my bum smacked or squeezed on nights out when I was at uni, had much older men cat calling me or saying really inappropriate things knowing I was clearly a young teenager. All of this was unwelcome and by strangers. At the time, I never made a big deal of it, I kind of just brushed it off, I wish I had been braver and more aware and stood up for myself, if any man did that now, I would literally rip his balls off. I will bring my DD up to NEVER let anyway get away with this IF she ever finds herself on the receiving end of this kind of sexual abuse and to make sure she 'kicks up a fuss'. I hope to god she is never in that position.

I feel sorry for my 12-year old self who didn't have the confidence to call out the perv who sexually assaulted me on a crowded bus. I was frightened that I'd get into trouble, for some reason. When I think about now, 50-odd years later, it still gives me the rage.

But that was the 60s for you. Sexual abuse wasn't talked about.

I've experienced similar situations but my parents were overly strict when it came to me going out in my teen years and for that I'm glad!
I think if I'd been out and about more, then I would've gotten into situations where I felt I couldn't say no.
I'm not saying we should all lock up our daughters by the way, I'm just thinking about how I was so meek and eager to please and that I'm now glad I wasn't allowed out late with my friends at age 14 to 18 because they got into some scary situations with scary men and they were much tougher than me.
I've ended up in the back of someone's car who I only vaguely knew because he was apparently looking out for me and didn't want me walking home. He was a sleazy creep but I knew my parents would be mad if he told me I'd refused his help. He ended up driving into a side street and climbing into the back with me, luckily someone knocked on his window to ask him to move his car and I got out.
My dp calls our dd stubborn and difficult just when she refuses to do whats asked of her and I tell her to never stop being that way because I want her to know her own mind and be confident enough to use it when she's older.

Some of these replies make me sad .I agree with Graphista above though.Many men are predatory ,and wont be easily disposed of by concerned parents telling them a few home truths.Lots of girls want to have a B/F and will lie to DP about where they have been and why .Not until they are older they realise the situations they have been in (I have been in a few scrapes as well ,despite having strict parents !) Obv with my own DD We have tried to keep her safe ,but like many young women then and now she has kicked against the boundaries as well!

I was born in ‘87 and can completely relate. My friends and I also had tactics to get rid of creepy men in bars and clubs, I used to get beeped at walking down the street from when I was about 11/12 (I’ve always been tall for my age!)

I definitely used to do a lot of things that I didn’t really want to, mostly out of wanting to be liked. I try and forget about my past most of the time and am pleased that I’ve turned out reasonably normal!

It’s so grim looking back and I hope times have changed.