How to handle this? SEN child swearing

[WillowB]

DS 8 attends cubs each week. The last 2 weeks he has come home complaining that a child in the group has been swearing. After a bit of digging on my part, the child concerned has ADHD and behavioural issues. This week he apparently told another child to 'f#ck off you pile of sh#t'. I'm not particularly sensitive but to be honest I'm not happy about DS hearing this kind of language on a weekly basis.
DS says that the leaders have threatened a few times to send the child home but they seem to largely shrug it off.
WIBU to raise this with the leaders of the group. I don't want to be 'that parent' and I understand that this child may find group situations tricky but this just doesn't sit right with me.

As a youth group leader I’d definitely want to know! It may be that the behaviour cannot be helped so the adults need to address it and let the kids know that Danny doesn’t mean to say those words etc.

I'm not particularly sensitive but to be honest I'm not happy about DS hearing this kind of language on a weekly basis.

He's 8 though, so old enough to know not to repeat it.

Personally I wouldn't complain unless the swearing and insults were aimed directly at your son.

Definitely raise it, it must feel threatening being sworn at like that. If it's a tourettes type thing the child can't control then it needs to be explained, but it doesn't sound like that. The group leader ought to accommodate SEN but that doesn't mean letting other children be verbally abused.

Raise it with the leaders - they'll likely already be aware, but have a word with them and explain how you feel.

Also speak with your son - not especially about the boy directly but perhaps about how some people find it hard to do x, y or z, and that he can help make sure he makes good choices and doesn't repeat those rude words because he knows they're not acceptable.

Provided the SEN child doesn't get physical, this is a good chance to teach your child some empathy and understanding and that there are people in the world that have health issues that cause them to exhibit behaviours that may not be seen as 'socially acceptable'.

ADHD shouldn’t mean a child behaves like that. Something more will be going on, issues at home or another diagnosis. It’s not acceptable and I wouldn’t accept my ADHD and ASD child doing this. I’d remove them as it’s clearly stressing them out and they can’t cope/regulate their emotions. It’s not fair to anyone.

I would have a quiet word with the leader because it's not just about the child saying inappropriate things but also..., where did they hear it? Imagine if this has come from home 😢 . It shouldn't be ignored. Just don't make it a public discussion with other parents.

YANBU
If I think about all the children I've taught with SEN, none of them have been routinely verbally abusive like that, and they're 11-18 year olds.

If the abuse was a one off or only happened occasionally then I'd say it could be linked to their SEN and you should teach your children about difference, and not to swear, but if it's happening regularly then the leaders need to step in. I'd not be happy if my DC were being verbally abused and the leaders did nothing

Thanks for your replies.
I have a friend who's son has ADHD and would never use language like this.
I think maybe they are trying to be inclusive and accepting this as part of his SEN but I just feel that there should be some boundaries in place at the meetings and routinely swearing at other children shouldn't be accepted. We'll have a quiet word next week and take it from there I think.

@AlwaysLatte we swear at home, I said something similar to Alexa this evening (I’m convinced it’s sexist as it’s ignores my voice but not DH). My kids are lovely, polite and caring, although need a bit of help on emotional regulation occasionally (more so at home). They know swearing is not to be repeated and don’t. This kid must have more going on than just hearing swearing at home, either abuse or poor mental health.

@LadyMinerva

Provided the SEN child doesn't get physical, this is a good chance to teach your child some empathy and understanding and that there are people in the world that have health issues that cause them to exhibit behaviours that may not be seen as 'socially acceptable'.

^^ what she said

Just because one child with asd/adhd doesn't swear, doesn't mean that all children with asd/adhd have the same feelings, needs or behaviours. Ffs.

I don't think this is okay.
I know all dc are different but my ds has ADHD and I wouldn't have tolerated this kind of language.
Talking to other dc like that isn't ok, particularly not at that age.

@DiscoJanet

Just because one child with asd/adhd doesn't swear, doesn't mean that all children with asd/adhd have the same feelings, needs or behaviours. Ffs.

Exactly.

Some children with neurodevelopment conditions such as ASD or ADHD do swear - verbal impulsiveness, poor understanding of social boundaries, lack of understanding on appropriate vs inappropriate language, the logical of being cross so using cross words, and so on.

It happens.

It doesn't mean he's a little shit (nice way to refer to a child with a development disability...), it doesn't mean he has a horrible home life, and it doesn't mean he's a bad kid.

Speak to the leader OP so they're aware that he needs more support with his social interactions in group, even a simple measure such as one of the adults modelling social interactions for him. Also speak to your child about neurological differences.

Also, SEN and SN are not the same thing. SEN is special education need, meaning a child needs support in order to make progress with their learning. SN is special needs, i.e., a condition or disability. There can be overlap between the two but not all children with SEN will also have SN and visa versa.

“ My teen has autism and ADHD and would never swear as hes not a little shit”

Jesus wept. The ignorance.

Not every autistic teen is the same.
My son is autistic, presenting as PDA, he swears whenever anxious or overwhelmed. He’s not a little shit.

OP, your son can learn that some of his peers have communication difficulties, and not to copy.

My younger son doesn’t repeat any of the words his brother says, so plEase can people stop with the shitty assumptions that it’s down to parenting.

Yabu
He's swearing not giving out crack.
Sen/sn could mean he has tourettes/ocd/impulsive behaviours which means he actually can not help it.
At 8 your child probably hears worse in the playground.

I think maybe they are trying to be inclusive and accepting this as part of his SEN but I just feel that there should be some boundaries in place at the meetings and routinely swearing at other children shouldn't be accepted

If this behaviour is part of his particular profile then no amount of boundaries are going to change it any time soon and it would not be right to exclude him due it if he has little to no control over it happening.

My ds has ASD. I don't "tolerate bad behaviour". He still sometimes displays it though, regardless of the years of therapy and intervention he's had. Because he has autism.

Gancanny says everything you need to know.

This kid must have more going on than just hearing swearing at home, either abuse or poor mental health.

Utter, utter nonsense. You should be ashamed of yourself saying this. Every child with ASN is an individual. My 8 yr old DS who has adhd and asd recently, out of the blue, started calling people a 'little shit' much to our shock and mortification. We're still not sure where he picked it up. It does not mean his loving home has degenerated into an abusive one or he has MH issues. Ffs. Grow up.

My ds has ASD. I don't "tolerate bad behaviour". He still sometimes displays it though, regardless of the years of therapy and intervention he's had. Because he has autism.

Well said DiscoJanet the ignorance is palpable and very, very sad.

Yep some adhders are fiery with short fuses and lots of swear words that come tumbling out when annoyed. Explain to your child in kid friendly style why this boy is doing this. Of course they are not nice but they are words that can be ignored at the end of the day. When some adhders kick off it's best to ignore and just calmly remind them about their language. Usually they will calm down and apologise. Making a fuss at the time just makes things worse.

Have you heard what 8 years old hear in the playground these days ?
Have a word with the leaders ask them i they are addressing it and make a decision based on their answers,

some children with additional needs do swear. They need to be taught that it is not appropriate to swear at others. sometimes it is a work in progress and takes rather longer than one would like.

some of them may have learned at least one swear word when they bit their mother on the arse, hard