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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my friend an absolute busybody

73 replies

Lucilia · 08/10/2020 15:32

I invited my friend to our wedding and needless to say in COVID times, this is going to be a VERY SMALL reception.

For the story, I had to cancel my wedding two times this year because of COVID so I was really hoping for a drama-free event, especially with 4 guests...

We're getting married in the Town Hall of our city and we chose to only have two guests each (2 guests for DH and 2 guests for me), to be able to have a party of 6 and have a meal and drinks afterwards.

The drama is:

Guest number 1 had friends who recently visited her from a quarantine country list.

Guest number 2 now wants my Guest Number 1 to get tested if she is to attend.

While I don't share her concerns, I understand and told her that if she genuinely felt uncomfortable coming, I would understand and invite someone else. (I had many friends to choose from and chose her because she was enthusiastic about the wedding).

What really bothers me is that instead of dropping the topics, or letting me know she'll decide whether to come or not, she started to give me a lot of advice, saying I should suggest Guest number 1 to get tested before the ceremony (bear in mind, we'll have have masks during the ceremony + social distancing), and that if I wouldn't ask her, she would.

Also ensued a so-called nice message saying she was trying to help me and that as the organiser I was being unfair to my guests and the registrar.

In my opinion, if I feel comfortable with my friend coming without getting tested, which is not an obligation at all (she doesn't have any symptoms), I should be free to just say that and whoever wants to come to my wedding does.

I don't need guest number 1 to tell me what to do or weirdly shame me into "doing the right thing".

AIBU or YANBU?

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 08/10/2020 15:35

Tell guest number 2 it’s a shame she feels that way but you understand her reasons for not coming and you hope she’ll come to the big party when you’re allowed one

Disco91 · 08/10/2020 15:37

YANBU... she’s treating you like a child and is putting a downer on the day when it’s already difficult. I’m sure you and your guest no. 1 are capable of making a judgement call regarding testing without guest number 2 getting involved.

Sparklesocks · 08/10/2020 15:42

Well presumably neither Guest 1’s visiting friends or Guest 1 have symptoms? It seems overkill to get a test if they don’t have any symptoms, especially at the moment when they’re quite hard do get in a lot of areas (and means they could take the spot of someone who really needs one).

I think I’d feel differently if testing was abundant and readily available for all, but that’s not the reality of our situation.

It’s also not the place of guest 2 to make that request. As you say, completely understandable to be cautious but it’s misguided. Really anyone at the wedding could have the virus - regardless of their international guests!

CakeGirl2020 · 08/10/2020 15:43

Guest number 2 sounds like a pain in the arse. Just say look x you obviously won’t feel happy at the wedding, so I’ll invite someone else.

Guest 2 is guaranteed to be a pain at the wedding so stop them coming

LilyE1234 · 08/10/2020 15:47

Does guest 2 realise the current guidelines on getting a test? You must only get tested if you’re showing symptoms.. that’s why there’s a massive shortage and it’s impossible to get one, because people just booking them for the sake of it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/10/2020 15:52

Guest number 2 thinks she is the boss of you. And maybe, given that your wedding has so few guests, being one of only four has given her an inflated idea of her importance to you? You say that you invited her "because she was enthusiastic about the wedding" - really, it's a poor reason. She thinks you've invited her because she's your BFF.

Probably best to go with EnjoyingTheSilence's suggestion. If she did attend, she'd only piss everyone you off by acting like a scalded cat every time Guest 1 came within bargepole distance.

ApolloandDaphne · 08/10/2020 15:53

How long will there have been between guest 1 seeing their friends and the wedding date?

Neverwrestlewithapig · 08/10/2020 15:56

I was about to say the same as @LilyE1234. You’ll just have to say that, as G1 cannot get a test without symptoms then you understand if G2 feels she cannot attend. Flowers for you as this must be all so frustrating

Saz12 · 08/10/2020 15:58

Guest 2 is being a patronising arse.
Or possibly trying to stir an argument between Guest 1 and yourself.

Tell her, clearly and directly, that you are comfortable with Guest 1 attending without being tested. Add that Guest 1 does not need to be tested and shouldn’t be asked to.
Tell Guest 2 that you’re sorry she feels uncomfortable with this, and have no problem if she doesn’t want to attend. Ask her if she won’t now come then let you know straight away so you can invite someone else.

workhomesleeprepeat · 08/10/2020 16:08

Uninvite difficult busybody friend. She sounds like hard work. Start your marriage with lovely people who don’t stress you out!

sparkler10 · 08/10/2020 16:09

Guest number 1 had friends who recently visited her from a quarantine country list.

Did the friends follow the appropriate guidance ie. did they self isolate first (assuming that was the guidance) before having contact with friend and then socially distance)? If not, I’d be concerned too and I’m pretty relaxed about a lot of the rules.

Original poster
Lucilia · 08/10/2020 16:09

Thanks for your answer. Thing is, friends are visiting Guest Number 1 from France a few days before the wedding and I'm not sure they would have gone through their entire quarantine time before that. Guest number 1 told me she is going to be cautious, social distance, and obviously would tell me if she developed any symptoms.

I'm just really angry at Guest Number 2 because anyone can catch it from anyone, quarantine or not, and I've been SO cautious and SO adamant about wearing a mask, respect social distancing, not see big groups...

I was just hoping that for this once in 2020, I could have a wedding that is not overshadowed by COVID and she makes it about it.

She is one of my BFF and I've been told by a couple mutual friends that she can be quite bossy but I never saw it for myself. She's just not shy or giving her opinion which I usually welcome, and has been especially helpful in the past with emotional turmoil over the wedding and other things.

It just massively pisses me off (and I'm pregnant, so very emotional), that instead of just letting it go and being a good guest, she is making me feel like proper s*. I was so anxious with her texts telling me that I make it difficult for the guests (the guests! there's just her and three other people!) and that it's my responsibility to make sure everyone is comfortable.

Can I promise no one of my guests has COVID? No, of course not. Am I liable to produce a health certificate to her for each of my guests and make sure they respect all the rules?

Fuck no.

Sorry, just needed to get it off my chest as it's ruined my day. And also please give me your honest opinion as I'm sure she's convinced to be right, so maybe it's me...

OP posts:
Frauhubert · 08/10/2020 16:14

Tell her you cannot possibly be dealing with her anxiety and bossy little comments in your wedding day. Must be stressful enough as it is. All the best x

Original poster
Lucilia · 08/10/2020 16:17

Correction - of course, quarantine protects from the virus, that's a typo. What I meant is that I do not know exactly what Guest Number 1 is going to do with her life a few days before the wedding, especially who sees her from where. And it's not my issue, I trust her to make the right decisions. And I'm pregnant so especially cautious about the virus. But come, on we'll be 6 including us, it will be a 20mn ceremony and everyone has to wear masks...

OP posts:
Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 08/10/2020 16:22

Then guest no 2 is not being unreasonable, guest no 1 is. They should not be seeing friends who are refusing to quarantine on return from France. Those friends are breaking the law, and guest 1 is putting your wedding party knowingly at risk. I'd be dropping guest 1 and keeping guest 2.

OverTheRubicon · 08/10/2020 16:22

Guest 2 sounds like a bit of a pain, but why aren't you grumpier at guest #1? In your latest post, you say that she is breaking quarantine regulations, but apparently don't mind that as much as your other friend being concerned.

I'm not the most covid-stressed, but I agree with guest 2 that guest 1 is not behaving appropriately.

CruzControl · 08/10/2020 16:28

@Hollyhocksarenotmessy

Then guest no 2 is not being unreasonable, guest no 1 is. They should not be seeing friends who are refusing to quarantine on return from France. Those friends are breaking the law, and guest 1 is putting your wedding party knowingly at risk. I'd be dropping guest 1 and keeping guest 2.
This. Guest 2 is only having to patronise you because you don't seem to be understanding that Guest 1 is entirely in the wrong.
CruzControl · 08/10/2020 16:30

@Lucilia

Correction - of course, quarantine protects from the virus, that's a typo. What I meant is that I do not know exactly what Guest Number 1 is going to do with her life a few days before the wedding, especially who sees her from where. And it's not my issue, I trust her to make the right decisions. And I'm pregnant so especially cautious about the virus. But come, on we'll be 6 including us, it will be a 20mn ceremony and everyone has to wear masks...
"I trust her to make the right decisions" - even though you know for a fact that she is NOT making the right, or legal, decision. I cannot comprehend how, if you're pregnant, you think someone trying to follow the guidelines is being a pain and the person breaking them is fine.
Monstermunch80 · 08/10/2020 16:31

I trust her to make the right decisions

When she’s already knowingly allowing friends to break the law and quarantine rules? I wouldn’t be trusting her personally. Friend 1 is BU, friend 2 is probably just very anxious, and I can see why - but she should drop out rather than dictate to you what to do.

2bazookas · 08/10/2020 16:42

Just say to guest 2

" I discussed your worries with DH and we completely understand why you don't want to come to the wedding. So we've invited his old pal Bob to come in your place. I know you will understand, XXX L.

RevolutionRadio · 08/10/2020 16:43

Surely it's guest 1 causing the issue. If they followed the rules of quarantine then guest 2 wouldn't have to point out the risk guest 1 is taking.

JimandPam · 08/10/2020 16:48

After reading your update I'm also a bit confused on why your issue is with guest 2 and not guest 1?

I'm generally careful but don't have anxiety with covid but even I wouldn't want to go to a wedding with a guest who DAYS before had seen friends from a country on the quarantine list and hadn't followed procedure.

And for you to say you trust her is a MASSIVE thing considering she's doing this and you're pregnant.

Original poster
Lucilia · 08/10/2020 16:58

I think reading all your answers there is a bit of YABU for not caring too much about what my guest is doing before our wedding. Or any other guest for what it stands.

And for getting annoyed that my other guest cares so much and tells me what to do.

So a bit of both, and it's useful to get some distance and have different opinions.

Damn COVID, I just want by 2 best friends at my wedding without drama...

But thank you all! I'll take all that on board and do for the best.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 08/10/2020 17:00

Eh, what?

In your OP - "Guest number 1 had friends who recently visited her from a quarantine country list." and "she doesn't have any symptoms".

So you were talking of THE PAST.

Now, in your update - "Thing is, friends are visiting Guest Number 1 from France a few days before the wedding and I'm not sure they would have gone through their entire quarantine time before that. Guest number 1 told me she is going to be cautious, social distance, and obviously would tell me if she developed any symptoms."

So you are talking about THE FUTURE.

WHICH IS IT?

Because a past event and a since-symptomless Guest 2 is a very different thing from a future visit and a promise to be careful.

Asterion · 08/10/2020 17:07

Thanks for your answer. Thing is, friends are visiting Guest Number 1 from France a few days before the wedding and I'm not sure they would have gone through their entire quarantine time before that. Guest number 1 told me she is going to be cautious, social distance, and obviously would tell me if she developed any symptoms.

So she's social distancing inside her own home, is she Hmm

If her guests from France are going out and about, they're breaking the law.