To find my friend an absolute busybody

[Lucilia]

I invited my friend to our wedding and needless to say in COVID times, this is going to be a VERY SMALL reception.

For the story, I had to cancel my wedding two times this year because of COVID so I was really hoping for a drama-free event, especially with 4 guests...

We're getting married in the Town Hall of our city and we chose to only have two guests each (2 guests for DH and 2 guests for me), to be able to have a party of 6 and have a meal and drinks afterwards.

The drama is:

Guest number 1 had friends who recently visited her from a quarantine country list.

Guest number 2 now wants my Guest Number 1 to get tested if she is to attend.

While I don't share her concerns, I understand and told her that if she genuinely felt uncomfortable coming, I would understand and invite someone else. (I had many friends to choose from and chose her because she was enthusiastic about the wedding).

What really bothers me is that instead of dropping the topics, or letting me know she'll decide whether to come or not, she started to give me a lot of advice, saying I should suggest Guest number 1 to get tested before the ceremony (bear in mind, we'll have have masks during the ceremony + social distancing), and that if I wouldn't ask her, she would.

Also ensued a so-called nice message saying she was trying to help me and that as the organiser I was being unfair to my guests and the registrar.

In my opinion, if I feel comfortable with my friend coming without getting tested, which is not an obligation at all (she doesn't have any symptoms), I should be free to just say that and whoever wants to come to my wedding does.

I don't need guest number 1 to tell me what to do or weirdly shame me into "doing the right thing".

AIBU or YANBU?

And, of course, you can spread Covid without having any symptoms.

@WhereYouLeftIt

Eh, what?

In your OP - "Guest number 1 had friends who recently visited her from a quarantine country list." and "she doesn't have any symptoms".

So you were talking of THE PAST.

Now, in your update - "Thing is, friends are visiting Guest Number 1 from France a few days before the wedding and I'm not sure they would have gone through their entire quarantine time before that. Guest number 1 told me she is going to be cautious, social distance, and obviously would tell me if she developed any symptoms."

So you are talking about THE FUTURE.

WHICH IS IT?

Because a past event and a since-symptomless Guest 2 is a very different thing from a future visit and a promise to be careful.

Both :) She's had and she will - our wedding is in 2 weeks. She's living in the UK and had friends from France + will do before the wedding. She also lives in a flatshare with an FR national which complicates the whole thing. And it's this whole situation, past and future, that Guest Number 2 is uneasy with, to the point of telling me what to do without any proof of anyone breaking the rules.

Sounds like guest 1 IS breaking the rules and Guest 2 has a good point

@Asterion

Thanks for your answer. Thing is, friends are visiting Guest Number 1 from France a few days before the wedding and I'm not sure they would have gone through their entire quarantine time before that. Guest number 1 told me she is going to be cautious, social distance, and obviously would tell me if she developed any symptoms.

So she's social distancing inside her own home, is she

If her guests from France are going out and about, they're breaking the law.

Agreed on that.

My point is, I personally don't feel responsible for my friend's behaviour, given the trust between us, nor do I (even less!) feel responsible for her friends behaviour.

It just becomes impossible if you start questioning everything everyone is doing IMO!

I am taking the least risk I possibly can by only having 4 guests at our wedding ceremony. We are only 6 and gathering in a restaurant after that, so no funny business trying to get more people into a flat or anything.

If I feel comfortable with Guest Number 1 coming, I believe this should be my decision, not guest Number 2. I made her aware that Guest Number 1 saw and will see people coming from France before the wedding, my responsibility should end there. And I should just be happy my friends are coming and sharing this moment with us, without being responsible for their life choices before the wedding.

That's my opinion, but I understand all the points made above and don't blame Guest Number 2 for feeling uneasy.

I must be a killjoy because I agree with guest 2. I think guest 1 is being irresponsible. Added to that you are pregnant so higher risk.
And I'm afraid your wedding is already overshadowed by covid by the fact that masks have to be worn. Guest 1 could be unknowingly infecting your entire wedding party. But most people don't care anymore. Noone is social distancing.
Im attending on next week and personally I think its rediculous . Getting all dressed up and then wearing a mask kind of takes the shine off everuthing

Do you feel responsible for the safety of the other people at your wedding including the staff?

If you know some one is breaking the rules are you happy to be putting the staff at risk?

So Guest 1 will have had two lots of people visiting from France? None of whom are quarantining, I'll bet, and neither is she

Sorry, I completely disagree that your responsibility ends there.

By inviting guest 1 knowing everything you do, you are putting your other guests, the staff and everyone else at the restaurant at risk.

If you were to tell the registrar and restaurant manager that you we're bringing someone who had overnight guests from France who hadn't quarantined and they still agreed to go ahead, then you could claim everyone knew and took their own risks. But you probably won't do this as you know they response

I know it sucks but I do think you have a responsibility to ask guest 1 to either reframe from seeing their friend so close to your wedding on uninvite them.

My friend is due a baby end of the month and I am taking extra precautions in the two weeks before I know I'll be seeing her. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your friend to do the same given this is such a special occasion

After reading this , i think guest 1 should quarantine.

Just a suggestion.
If Guest 1's French friends are visiting just a few days BEFORE your wedding. If she can't avoid them at home, could she stay at a friends, a hotel, or even near you for the few days in question and go to the wedding. Then see them when its over. If it was me and this was for a good friend who had to cancel their wedding several times and was pregnant, I'd do that for them. Or ask the French friends to delay their trip or stay somewhere else for a few days?
Insisting on seeing them for just a few days and not evening thinking of making some changes to help avoid another wedding upset is a bit much I think, she can see them afterwards.

And it's this whole situation, past and future, that Guest Number 2 is uneasy with, to the point of telling me what to do without any proof of anyone breaking the rules.

Do you seriously think that all these visitors from France are going to stay in their room for two weeks, quarantining? Seriously?

After your update I had to change my vote. You seem to think it’s reasonably likely guest 1 will be in close quarters with people from a quarantine country who haven’t finished their quarantine. You aren’t doing anything to ensure that isn’t the case even though you are inviting friends from different households and others in a professional capacity to an indoor event and will then go on to eat and drink (where masks come off) with your friends.

You keep saying you’re doing everything you can to make it safe but that simply isn’t true. You’re sticking your head in the sand about a fairly high risk.

I think you’re being unfair to the registrar and your other guests not to ask guest 1 about what the real deal is in terms of quarantining.

OP your update has changed things. Guest 1 is being very irresponsible if she is behaving the way you've described here.

Sorry but you do have a responsibility here.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Just a suggestion. If Guest 1's French friends are visiting just a few days BEFORE your wedding. If she can't avoid them at home, could she stay at a friends, a hotel, or even near you for the few days in question and go to the wedding. Then see them when its over. If it was me and this was for a good friend who had to cancel their wedding several times and was pregnant, I'd do that for them. Or ask the French friends to delay their trip or stay somewhere else for a few days? Insisting on seeing them for just a few days and not evening thinking of making some changes to help avoid another wedding upset is a bit much I think, she can see them afterwards.

Thank you, that's a good suggestion. I will message Friend number 1 (as I can't ask her to lock herslef in her room while her friends or flatmates friends are coming) and ask her about the hotel solution.

I don't want anyone to take risks on my account.

I guess I'm just very tired about the whole Covid situation and how it wrecks my wedding every time, even when I have 4 guests..

I can totally understand your weariness But it is Guest 1 who is causing the problems and danger here, not Guest 2.

Updates have completely changed my opinion - guest 1 is unreasonable and you are being very casual about the rules. It's not just you that you're putting at risk.

After your drip feed about Guest 1 facilitating others breaking the law, I think you should think more about the safety of the poor staff and other diners here.

@BabyMamaMom

After your drip feed about Guest 1 facilitating others breaking the law, I think you should think more about the safety of the poor staff and other diners here.

Point taken, although "facilitating others breaking the law" is a bit of a harsh comment, I never said that. I don't speak for her flatmate though.

Sorry but I have to agree. Guest no 1 really isn’t making this easy for you. In fact I think Guest no 1 is being very unreasonable and irresponsible in these circumstances. The easier thing to do really would be to say to Guest no 1 that it would be better for them to not attend.

Omg haha what a drip feed!

I take back what I said about your busybody friend guest 2

Guest 1 is really the one screwing it up for you here. Hope all of your guests know Guest 1 is coming from France and not quarantining!

Ok thanks everyone for your comments, I take it on board! Important thing is everyone being safe and happy so that’s what we’ll do, and it probably means changing our plans, without blaming any guest for anything. Ultimately, it’s our responsibility to take every step to ensure the safety of everyone.

Oh wait I see she has guests coming from France and she lives in the UK

I still think there’s more risk than if she had no guests and the rest of your wedding party should know

@workhomesleeprepeat

Oh wait I see she has guests coming from France and she lives in the UK

I still think there’s more risk than if she had no guests and the rest of your wedding party should know

Agreed, just completely gutted really. But I agree with your comment, although let’s face it, risk is very very very tiny.

Lucilia, the main place that Covid is being spread at the moment is in the home. The risk is not "very very very" tiny. She will have been in close quarter with all these non-quarantining visitors.

Obviously the rest of the wedding party (2 people wouhouuuu :D) know, we’ve made them aware and they had no issue with it, only Guest 2 and quite vocal about it.