To find my friend an absolute busybody

[Lucilia]

I invited my friend to our wedding and needless to say in COVID times, this is going to be a VERY SMALL reception.

For the story, I had to cancel my wedding two times this year because of COVID so I was really hoping for a drama-free event, especially with 4 guests...

We're getting married in the Town Hall of our city and we chose to only have two guests each (2 guests for DH and 2 guests for me), to be able to have a party of 6 and have a meal and drinks afterwards.

The drama is:

Guest number 1 had friends who recently visited her from a quarantine country list.

Guest number 2 now wants my Guest Number 1 to get tested if she is to attend.

While I don't share her concerns, I understand and told her that if she genuinely felt uncomfortable coming, I would understand and invite someone else. (I had many friends to choose from and chose her because she was enthusiastic about the wedding).

What really bothers me is that instead of dropping the topics, or letting me know she'll decide whether to come or not, she started to give me a lot of advice, saying I should suggest Guest number 1 to get tested before the ceremony (bear in mind, we'll have have masks during the ceremony + social distancing), and that if I wouldn't ask her, she would.

Also ensued a so-called nice message saying she was trying to help me and that as the organiser I was being unfair to my guests and the registrar.

In my opinion, if I feel comfortable with my friend coming without getting tested, which is not an obligation at all (she doesn't have any symptoms), I should be free to just say that and whoever wants to come to my wedding does.

I don't need guest number 1 to tell me what to do or weirdly shame me into "doing the right thing".

AIBU or YANBU?

@Asterion

Lucilia, the main place that Covid is being spread at the moment is in the home. The risk is not "very very very" tiny. She will have been in close quarter with all these non-quarantining visitors.

I actually think it is. I would feel much more unsafe taking the tube than sharing a coffee in my garden with friends coming from France. But I guess that’s why regulations exist, so we don’t rely on our personal judgment. :)

Op, have you even watched the news re the infection rates in Europe and in particular France and Italy? Please don't minimise risk to suit your circumstances

Anyways, thanks all and I understand now the purpose of YANBU AIBU, really helpful when you’re unsure about a situation.

I’m not, I’m just saying my opinion? Anyone is free to disagree and that’s why rules exist, because people have different opinions about things. I personally feel unsafe doing certain things and not others as I’m sure you do too, I’m not judging anyone for their thoughts (except those who are anti masks as I hate them).

I actually think it is. I would feel much more unsafe taking the tube than sharing a coffee in my garden with friends coming from France. But I guess that’s why regulations exist, so we don’t rely on our personal judgment. smile

That's reasonable. But that wasn't the scenario your were being posited. The other poster was pointing out that COVID is spreading inside homes. Your guest 1 isn't meeting French friends in a garden, is she? She's sharing a home with them for some days. And it's in homes where people spend significant amounts of time enclosed and without masks that covid spreads the most. That sort of blatant twisting to pretend the risk is less than it is is possibly why guest 2 is so frustrated with you and is talking about speaking to others directly.

The risk being low is your opinion, which you are entitled to, but I do think the main problem with covid is that we (and scientists for that matter) don’t fully understand the disease, how is spreads, how it works etc - so I do get that you think the risk is low - I probably do too tbh! But we just don’t know enough to really say for sure

@Lucilia

Obviously the rest of the wedding party (2 people wouhouuuu :D) know, we’ve made them aware and they had no issue with it, only Guest 2 and quite vocal about it.

Well now that you've clarified that your Guest 1 is having non-quarantining guest from France a couple of days before your wedding, I wish I could change my vote to YABVVVU and I think Guest 2 - who you designated as 'an absolute busybody' - is actually the only sensible one amongst you and is looking after your best interests.

Maybe you should listen to her. And stop calling her names behind her back.

And I'm pregnant so especially cautious about the virus.

No, you're not extremely cautious about the virus, or you wouldn't be stamping your foot about the sensible friend who is trying to make you see sense.

If you want to travel to the UK for fewer than 14 days, you must remain in self-isolation throughout your visit and may then leave the UK, doing your best to avoid public transport wh

I read the initial post thinking visit was in the past - if the visit is just before the wedding and they are not observing quarantine rules, guest 2 is less unreasonable - in her place I'd probably just say no to the invitation.
Not sure what having a french national as a flatmate is to do with it? The French don't have a greater propensity to get covid - and have the same quarantine restrictions on entering the UK as anyone else.

@WhereYouLeftIt you can change your vote, just scroll up and change your vote

@EnjoyingTheSilence

Tell guest number 2 it’s a shame she feels that way but you understand her reasons for not coming and you hope she’ll come to the big party when you’re allowed one

This

@Feelingconfused2020 Thank you! I didn't know we could do that .

I think I would pick two new guests!

Guest #1 should not be hosting visitors from France until they have completed their quarantine.

Guest #2 is completely unreasonable in demanding other people take tests. We have a nationwide shortage of tests because of people like Guest #2 who are ordering tests wily nily and against the rules for when you should order a test, that is ONLY if you as an individual have symptoms.

@Florencex but guest 2 could well be asking for private tests. At £100+ they are not cheap, but in the context of a wedding (and especially given that other costs will be so much lower than usual), it seems a reasonable cost for guest 1 to pay to help ensure the safety of others, if they are choosing to break quarantine.

Personally, if I were the pregnant bride, I'd be asking Guest 1 to take a test!

Just follow the law at the time of the wedding. If people have to quarantine on return from abroad they should do so. If there isn’t time thenthey can’t attend the wedding. However France may be removed from the list by then. So this could be a moot point.

If guest one attends illegally and subsequently infects you all even though she had no symptoms and god forbid someone at the wedding later dies a s a result, you will feel responsible. You knew and let her come anyway.

Guest two has a sensible head and although she may be voicing her concerns loudly and being annoying it probably because she fears you won’t hear what she is saying. Or choose not to listen because you are so looking forward to your special day.

I’m sorry that CV has spoiled your plans. It totally totally sucks. I hope you do have a great day though and can have a party next year to celebrate properly. Congrats.

PS a test can show negative one day as the virus is still incubating and harmless but it could be fully infectious the next day, so testing someone with symptoms is not the answer to circumvent the law.

OP do you not think its people breaking the law like Guest 1 is enabling that is leading to the law where you have so few people at your wedding?

I think objectively you'd be safer in terms of transmission to ignore the law about numbers at weddings and have 20 guests who have genuinely been WFH/self-isolating than to have 1 who has been LIVING WITH people who have been ignoring the law about quarantining. I think your sense of danger is really skewed in terms of travel on the tube - risk at your wedding will be much much higher than a tube journey wearing a mask. And not just for you and your baby but for the staff.

If I were Guest 2 I would be very very pissed off at you, and you might find the other two guests your DF has invited are too but feel they can't say anything. As someone else said, private tests aren't that expensive and can be quick. I think its not a bad compromise. Seriously think how you'll feel if you find out Guest 1 is positive, and you have to test and self isolate and worry about your health. I've been a close contact recently of a woman who tested positive with a young baby who thankfully didn't contract it but the stress she was under was unreal.

Its really shitty what is going on at the moment, and I understand you want to avoid thinking about it, but the situation you're outlining is bonkers and your first friend is being spectacularly unreasonable.

I'm not even trying to understand the whole situation of who's coming from where and under what circumstances.

In my opinion, it all boils down to this: It's a tiny wedding, and it's your choice who you want there. If you want your friend coming from France to be there, I'd just make sure the other three guests know this and that you'll completely understand if they don't feel comfortable attending. If they're uncomfortable with it, they can tell you now and you can ask someone else if they'd like to come.

Your friend shouldn't be guilting you or trying to boss you about who can come and under what circumstances. If she's not happy mixing with the other friend until she's been tested, she can make the choice to not attend. Otherwise, she needs to keep her concerns to herself.

TL;DR-- Your busybody friend gets to choose whether or not she attends, but she can't dictate who else you invite to your own wedding!

If your guest 1 isn't quarantining you have a duty to inform the registrar, really. Crappy behaviour if you end up making them sick.

You're pregnant and you're ok with this?!

And what about everyone else? Say the registrar catches it from your non isolating friend and then passes it on to every happy couple who comes in to get married/register their baby? All those people infected because of you frankly.

I'm totally with friend 2.

@wouldyouhaveacupoftea

You're pregnant and you're ok with this?!

And what about everyone else? Say the registrar catches it from your non isolating friend and then passes it on to every happy couple who comes in to get married/register their baby? All those people infected because of you frankly.

I'm totally with friend 2.

Fuuuuck. I hadn't considered that point. You're right.