AIBU to think not all babies can be sleep trained or am I just not emotionally robust enough

[ItWasButIsNot]

Trying to sleep train my 11 mo. It's hard going and not going well. He does ok and then explodes into hysterical crying, choking, coughing. I pick him up at that point and he is still crying and whimpering. It is awful.

Is this everyone's experience who sleep trains or do some babies just not cope with it? If he was crying a bit but could be soothed I'd understand but this doesn't feel like that. This seems to me that he is terrified and extremely distressed. Or am I just being a big softie and I'm just not emotionally robust enough to deal with sleep training.

How long does the hysterical part last for?

What about gradual retreat instead? This is how I learned to knit- sitting on the floor, then by the door, then outside the door, knitting.

My son was awful. But we sleep trained him, just wish we had done it sooner.

Nope same here, my DD would cry until she vomited if I tried to do anything other than sit and settle her. It was a painful few months but it's not forever... You have my sympathies. If you're relatively OK with soothing him and feel bad trying to be 'tough' there's no harm done.
She's 4 now and a great sleeper

I left it for around 20 minutes. It would subside a little but I couldn't bare to see him that distressed for any longer. To be honest I feel incredibly guilty at leaving him that long. I was awake most of the night worrying about him. It felt horrendous. I could do with learning to knit though...

there's nothing wrong with being a big softy...I never sleep trained and co-slept instead.

DS1 isn't clingy or unconfident and napped fine at nursery.

I personally think they can but 11 months is 'too late' .. I 'trained' mine from day one and it was effortless . Just do what suits you and don't be too hard on yourself .

@Camomila that's great to hear. I'm a bit concerned about the napping at nursery. He is doing pretty well but he just needs to sleep through or settle himself back to sleep because he is so tired otherwise.

@gubbbbbddaaaa oh hopefully he'll figure something out then. He did sleep really well. But then regressed but didn't go back.

Mmmm, mine never slept and at 12 years (not months!) still finds getting to sleep a challenge. Second child slept like a dream from day one. So I think there are big individual differences.
PS, when I say never slept, the inevitable 'diary' I was told to keep showed he slept about 5 hours in every 24.

I've wondered the same thing. DS would not have given up crying and nodded off. He would have screamed until he made himself ill, so how do you handle that when sleep training? (I'm not at all familiar with the process).

Some kids have a bit of a grizzle and then settle themselves down. Some are genuinely very distressed and panicy. The former sleep train fine the latter I wouldn't attempt same as I wouldn't leave anyone else I love to panic on their own.

It's only my opinion .. if he slept well and was in a routine then he should go back to it ?

We didn't try - why would I want my baby to cry herself to sleep? She sleeps brilliantly now, and we never sleep trained.

Having had two very different sleepers, I have to agree with you. I tried all manner of sleep training with my eldest, in hindsight we think he had bad reflux and combining that with I think his actual fear of being left in his cot basically meant sleep training was literally torturing him. Nothing worked. As soon as he was moved to a bed, absolutely fine, it was like a switch flipped.

My second on occasion actually did the mythical "put them down sleepy but awake", and did respond to things like "shush pat".

All children are different. Maybe look in to other methods?

And good luck. Poor sleepers are hellish!!

ItWasButIsNot the first time I picked him up he was fast asleep on one of the teachers, after that he went on the little mats with all the other children...baby peer pressure lol.

@VimFuego101 tbh no idea. He has crying stamina.

@HandfulofDust I feel exactly the same.

@Camomila I'm pinning a lot of hope for some other things on baby peer pressure too

I did successfully sleep train DD, albeit at about 8 months so slightly younger. However I don’t believe it suits all children. There was never any of the hysterical crying till they’re sick that I’ve read about, and I don’t think I would have continued if there was. It makes sense that some techniques will work for some families and not for others.

Please don’t worry about nursery napping though. DD napped brilliantly at home and not so well at nursery (too nosey) so they’d walk her about in a pushchair until she fell asleep and then she’d catch up with long naps on non-nursery days (which was excellent for me ).

Nope. Not all babies can be sleep trained.
DH forced me into it, and instead of having a child who chatted for am hour at bed time, and then again from 1am-3am, we had a child that screamed for those hours. I made DH deal with it, but after 10 days with zero improvement, except less sleep for DH, we gave in.
Aged 3 years something he understood we were not to be woken unless there was a problem. Aged 11 years, he still frequently wakes in the middle of the night. He just deals with it without waking us (tho I often hear him).

I feel your pain OP.

My eldest DD was a great sleeper and slept through the night from 6 months as soon as she was weaned off her night time feed. No sleep training involved.

I felt very smug.
Until my DS was born. Oh dear how I got my comeuppance.

Eventually during lockdown I'd had enough. He was about 14 months and was still waking multiple times throughout the night and I snapped. We HAD to do something.

Gradual retreat didn't work due to seriously creaky flooring.

What worked for us with him was "Lift, Pat, Shush, Down".
So we would put him to bed awake and tired and walk out. He would scream and cry for maybe 2-3 minutes.
Then I would go in, lift him, pat his back gently and shush him then once he calmed down, put him back into his cot.

Had to do this maybe 3-4 times the first night and maybe 2 times the second night but then that's been him sleeping through the night since!!

It's like he knew I was still close and would come and comfort him but he also knew he was always getting put back to bed and not allowed out of his room for fun.

DH was the big softy and wanted to lift him back downstairs when he cried until I pointed out that he wasn't sick, sore, hungry or wet. He was pushing boundaries.

I'm with you @AiryFairyMum, I fundamentally disagree with sleep training and think cry it out is just cruel.

This is all a long tine ago for me - but there was definitely a study saying it worked for 75% of babies. My health visitor supported us through it and said that after 2 weeks if its taking longer and getting worse it probably isnt goung to work. She said 'have you tried co-sleeping' at that point.
I think as pp said there are a lot of babies that grizzle a bit who it works really eell for. One of my children was like this. Then there is the hysterical, keep going for hours, throw up type who need a shush pat method

What did you do before now? Was he fed to sleep?

I don't believe all babies can be sleep trained. I have four, and one definitely couldn't (I tried, later diagnosis of autism and had I persisted I think I would have damaged him). I didn't try with the others but they were better sleepers so I didn't feel the need. I co-slept with all of them. Would you like to sleep alone, away from your husband? It is totally normal for babies and children to want contact day and night, we are parents for the full 24 hours.

@SuzieQQQ no. A combo of rocking putting down on my bed and singing to him. Then transfer to his cot when asleep.

@LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus I work nights. When my maternity leave ends he will no have me here every night. This is why I'm trying now. I thought he was going through a sleep regression but he hasn't reverted. I'm running out of time.

My dc are teenagers so it's a long time ago for me. Sleep training worked like a dream for dd16 - putting her down gently, leaving room, going back in to reassure, put her down again etc. It was an utter failure for ds15, however he had terrible eczema and was on various antihistamines so maybe that had something to do with it. What did work eventually with ds was putting him in the same bedroom as dd when he was around 18months old - he instantly started sleeping through. We found this out by accident because my sister came to live with us for a while and we gave his room to her. He moved back in when he was four with no issues. Both dc sleep like logs now - I am very jealous!