AIBU to think not all babies can be sleep trained or am I just not emotionally robust enough

[ItWasButIsNot]

Trying to sleep train my 11 mo. It's hard going and not going well. He does ok and then explodes into hysterical crying, choking, coughing. I pick him up at that point and he is still crying and whimpering. It is awful.

Is this everyone's experience who sleep trains or do some babies just not cope with it? If he was crying a bit but could be soothed I'd understand but this doesn't feel like that. This seems to me that he is terrified and extremely distressed. Or am I just being a big softie and I'm just not emotionally robust enough to deal with sleep training.

Not all babies can be sleep trained.

Sleep problems were part of what finally got my dd a diagnosis of not being NT. I wish I could go back and tell myself that it wasn’t my fault, my baby really did need extra help sleeping and by giving in and doing whatever it took to get her to be calm, I was giving her exactly what she needed. I did give in, spent 18 months with her touching me whenever she slept, which is what she needed, so that wouldn’t have changed, but my guilt and feeling like I was doing something wrong would have been alleviated.

@ItWasButIsNot won't whoever is looking after the baby when you work nights hold him to sleep?

We used the happy sleeper book. When she cried it was bad but didn't last long (45 mins in total, with us going in every 5 mins). We had built up to it with regular bedtime routine. Really recommend the book.

Have you looked at gradual retreat?

It’s basically “let them scream themselves to sleep with you sitting beside them, then a few days later move a few inches away”

Because you are there, you know they are screaming out of annoyance won’t not being rocked or whatever rather than them being scared. Worked in one night for us, from feeding every forty minutes through the night with my eighty month old.

I slept trained DS1 with the Ferber method at 15 months as I had DS2 on the way and needed him to settle quicker than the couple of hours it was taking. I only did it as he was basically rolling around his cot laughing for 2 hours so I figured he could do that with or without me there.

I never let him get hysterical and most of his crying was in anger rather than upset that I’d left him.

His sleep was all the better for it after a couple of days

I’ve started earlier with DS2 as I can see a similar pattern emerging. We’re on day 1 and like his older brother, he’s not hysterical. Jut grumbling and then settling down to sleep with me going in and out at increasing intervals

Personally if your Dc is that upset I wouldn’t do it or maybe try again when older. There is a regression around one year which is why I waited with DS1 until we were over that

My eldest always slept like shit. Nothing would work. She is now on melatonin to help her sleep as she has a sleep disorder which is a symptom of her ADHD and ASD.

Some kids do not respond well to sleep training. Mine didn't. And it wasn't for being hard or soft. It just wasn't ever going to suit him.

OP you don't have to put yourself and your child through this if it feels unnatural and just not right. Sleep training is for the parents, not the child - when your DC is still young you read so much about 'bad habits' and 'if you don't do x they'll never sleep properly' and as if it's something that's your response to 'teach', but ime this is all just bullocks that's meant to make the parents feel less guilty at doing something so unnatural to their little ones. Sleep just gets better and better with time, even if you don't do anything training-wise - it's developmental and typically when there's regressions along the way it's for some specific reason (even if we might not be aware) and the child really needed someone there to soothe them and feel safe.

*your responsibility, not response

It depends so much on the baby.

I did try to sleep Train my eldest, but she screamed until she was sick, then screamed for a further 6 hours after I picked her up. I got more sleep before I tried! She sleeps fine now (she's 14) and has done since she turned 2.

I could have sleep trained my second if I'd wanted to, but she was generally a pretty good sleeper and I'd have felt mean!

I've had four DC now, they all learn to sleep eventually, some babies are just more needy for longer than others. I tend to trust the baby as they can't tell me why they need me at night!

I wouldn't do that to my babies.

Just awful.

Nothing to do with being a softie, you're responding to his needs.
Because you are there, you know they are screaming out of annoyance won’t not being rocked or whatever rather than them being scared - how does this poster know they weren't scared because they don't understand why the person who comforts them has suddenly started refusing to do it instead?

I would agree some babies cannot be sleep trained. We never tried with ours, so no idea if they could have been trained or not. I remember there were many nights where DH would fall asleep on the floor by their beds before they fell asleep!

I think it's largely pointless. At about 11 months I stopped feeding to sleep and we managed to get DS to accept DH giving him a bottle and popping him in the cot, then shushing and patting to sleep. He slept brilliantly and we could drop and run from 14-18 months, after we moved to gradual retreat, but now separation anxiety has kicked in so we have to take it in turns to sit by the cot reading a book for about 20 minutes while he goes to sleep. He is almost 2. Everything is a phase.

I think it was someone on here that said they're not babies forever and there is nothing wrong with co-sleeping. I couldn't stand the crying - I felt really sorry for them. And which ever wise woman said it she was bang on - it doesn't last forever and we all got some sleep.

Much ado about nothing.

Sleep problems are a peculiarly Western modern problem where we insist that babies should be apart from parents, learn to "self settle" and learn to be apart at an early age. I
Many cultures don't have the "luxury " of separate rooms, parents and young children bunk down together for years. The idea of sleep training is an alien idea to many parents in different countries.

At 11m he is too old to do a cold turkey approach. I do believe any can be trained if you do it earlier and gradually. It needs to be something you have in mind from 3 or 4 months - some babies it's an easy week of a few mins cry & return (my DS), others its 3 or 4 months of reducing slowly from feeding, to rocking, to patting, to a hand on tummy, to being in the room, to singing outside the door.... etc etc (my DD)

The website isn't quite working for me atm. I keep having issues generally so apologies if I have missed anything. To the PP who asked if the night carer will rock him to sleep. That's a tricky one. Yes potentially but he is heavy and it isn't always a case of holding him. I don't think he knows what he wants either. I just what to be able to hand him over with an explanation and not to have to worry about my parents having to deal with my baby's sleep issues. Thankfully I work only a few nights at a time as.

The most important thing is that you do what's right for you.

There is nothing wrong with being soft.

I could never have 'sleep trained' my son, the whole concept feels utterly alien to me.

I have always cuddled him to sleep and still do (aged 5) he goes off happy and secure within 5 minutes. It's one of my favourite times of day.

They're not little for long. It's seems so weird to me, the idea of leaving a tiny child to go to sleep on its own.

But like I said, you do what feels authentic to you, and don't worry about what other people do, what the 'norm' is or any of that. Trust yourself

OP you don't have go sleep train for this reason either. He might be totally different with your parents than he is with you. Generally, separations and night times are stressful for babies (makes sense in terms of evolution). You're his safe haven, able to relieve the stress and restore his sense of safety. If other people look after him who aren't the same kind of safe haven that you are for him, it doesn't make sense for him to call out as much, as whoever is there wouldn't be able to soothe his stress anyway. That's not necessarily bad or anything - if it's just a few nights, he will get through these fine and will then be soothed by you again when you're back. But it generally means he will be much 'worse' or 'needier' with you and might sleep through just fine when only your parents are there. Either way if you 'train' him to behave in a certain way, he might not behave in the same way with other people, so I definitely wouldn't put him and yourself through that just for that reason.
I hope this is helpful- I can absolutely understand your worry, as I found it stressful when going back to work too. But usually it really is more straightforward than the mums imagine- at nursery too. When I first read this explanation somewhere it made so much sense to me. x

You do not have to sleep train. We co-slept with our boys and they now sleep brilliantly in their own beds.

They're not little for long. It's seems so weird to me, the idea of leaving a tiny child to go to sleep on its own.

If you have a baby who wakes up every 45 minutes, every night for months, you probably wouldn't find it so weird.

My only regret about sleep training is that I didn't do it sooner.

I never sleep trained as my dd would get completely hysterical and terrified. It sorted itself out eventually. I just remember reading that eventually they stop crying not because they are self soothing but because they've lost all hope and I couldn't bear that thought. I'm not saying that's true but I couldn't do it after I read that

Mine have always been like this too - totally hysterical, couldn't bear to leave them. Or I found if I did things like refused to BF and left DH to deal with them, they would eventually calm down but then not be sleepy any more and honestly it wasn't worth nobody getting any sleep so I just ended up BF them.

Although TBH, my heart was never in it because honestly I do not understand the logic that says if you leave them to be distressed without comfort, they will magically learn how to comfort themselves. Errr. What? Sorry, but it doesn't make any sense. It's along the lines of chucking them in the deep end and hoping instinct prevents them from drowning, then saying you've taught them how to swim. I don't get why it is not as outdated as that idea.

I think most kids can be sleep trained but I think we need to think about what we mean by trained. It has to be developmentally appropriate and also right for the child. My son slips back sometimes aged 4 but I know how to get him back sleeping. I hate the whole leaving them to cry, we used a nuture method which significantly helped out very stressed adopted baby.