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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Allowing a 17-year-old to drive - too much freedom?

100 replies

Breakupcharlie · 08/10/2020 11:49

this is a reverse - I was going to do the whole thing of ‘my DD17 is paying for her own lessons but I think it will give her too much freedom’.

I grew up in a small village - it was two buses for well over an hour into town and then another one out for what would have been a ten minute drive to 6th form or work.

My mum said I wasn’t allowed to learn until after 6th form as she didn’t want it distracting me from my exams (I was on track for fairly good grades).

She admitted to me last weekend (6th form was ten years ago) that she said it would have gave me too much freedom and teenagers shouldn’t have that much freedom.

I can still remember waiting in the rain as my buses never aligned or I didn’t see my friends as the buses we’re a nightmare at the weekends. It’s really kind of bothered me and thinking it’s borderline abusive control?

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 08/10/2020 11:50

Do you plan on paying for the lessons yourself, or are you asking your Mum to pay for them?

19lottie82 · 08/10/2020 11:51

Whoops sorry just noticed that this was ten years ago! But yes, would your mum not allow you if you paid for then yourself?

Florencex · 08/10/2020 11:52

@19lottie82

Do you plan on paying for the lessons yourself, or are you asking your Mum to pay for them?
I don’t understand the first sentence of OP about the reverse, however this relates to something ten years ago. So who will be paying (or rather who paid) for the lessons is moot.
Hobbesmanc · 08/10/2020 11:53

Would you have been given a car though? Or been able to use your parents?

Florencex · 08/10/2020 11:54

I don’t agree with your mothers point about teenagers having freedom, by 17 I would expect plenty of freedom.

Personally though, I would have been reluctant to let a 17 year old take driving lessons. I think our driving age should be higher, this is for safety reasons not freedom reasons though.

Malbecfan · 08/10/2020 11:55

Depends on the teenager. Both DDs learned to drive when they turned 17, paid for by my generous father (who likes being driven round). We live in a hamlet with no public transport. The nearest bus goes hourly until 6pm from the village a mile walk away along unlit lanes with no pavement and a 60mph speed limit. It was a life saver having them both able to drive. Both are sensible, both got good grades. It wasn't a distraction.

WhyCouldThisBe · 08/10/2020 11:55

If you didn’t have the money to pay for the lessons yourself then I’m afraid as a 17 year old that’s a decision parents are entitled to make. At 18 technically you can do whatever you wanted but then again it would depend on whether you had the means to make it happen. I think the older generation were more of the worrying kind so I definitely wouldn’t call this anywhere near abusive control. She obviously had your best interests at heart so I think YAB a little U

Mintjulia · 08/10/2020 11:56

Your mum was being pretty cautious and I can see how it must have impacted you, but why worry about it 10 years later?

notacooldad · 08/10/2020 11:56

It’s really kind of bothered me and thinking it’s borderline abusive control?
I think she was doing what she thought was best at the time.
As a parent we can all have hind sight and think maybe we could have done things differently but you act with what is going in at that moment.
It sounds like you've got a lot of resentment for something that happened 10 years ago!

Changethetoner · 08/10/2020 11:56

It's not borderline abusive control. It's parenting. Your mother had every right to protect you, by limiting your freedom by denying you the opportunity to take driving lessons at that time. In fact I agree with her motives, as they would have interfered with your study time. Go Mum!!

steff13 · 08/10/2020 11:57

I don't know that I would consider it borderline abusive control. However, it's common here for kids to get their license at 16, so it does seem odd to me, especially given the circumstances, that she said no.

MoistMolly · 08/10/2020 11:59

Having a driving license does not guarantee that you will be in a position to drive everywhere

notacooldad · 08/10/2020 12:01

Border line abuse 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

DynamoKev · 08/10/2020 12:01

I think it was excessive OP.

amusedbush · 08/10/2020 12:07

@Florencex

I don’t agree with your mothers point about teenagers having freedom, by 17 I would expect plenty of freedom.

Personally though, I would have been reluctant to let a 17 year old take driving lessons. I think our driving age should be higher, this is for safety reasons not freedom reasons though.

I agree that the driving age should be higher. I passed my test at 25 and felt safe and responsible enough to drive.

My brother passed at 17, lost his licence due to two minor "undue care and attention" accidents, then once he got it back he wrapped his car around a tree while speeding along a winding coastal road in the dark.

I know someone else who wrote their car off a week after passing at 17 as she was fannying about changing a CD going down a slip road.

One of my brother's friends died (as did the passengers) in a bad crash not long after he passed.

I'm sure there are lots of people who didn't have accidents driving at 17 but I have enough of these anecdotes that it puts me off.

corythatwas · 08/10/2020 12:18

Given the very high accident stats for the youngest drivers I can't say I'd have been very thrilled about my 17yo driving. Not because I was scared of them having freedom- I'm all for that- but because I am not convinced that 17yo brains are developed enough to consistently make good risk assessments when driving. Insurance companies, I believe, tend to agree with me.

Not sure I would have forbidden it, but I would have dissuaded them.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 08/10/2020 12:19

Then, a part time job to pay for your lessons would have been the way to go. Public transport isn’t always convenient, but it isn’t for ever.

It’s very true that young drivers cause many accidents. Teenagers think that they're immortal and will never be hurt. So your mum was trying to protect you too. I hope you recognise that ten years on.

focusuntilxmas · 08/10/2020 12:21

Grew up in similar setting, my mum let me take her car out an hour after I'd passed my test and my parents were quite strict but knew how much of a big deal it is in that environment.

It was harsh of your mum but not abusive

june2007 · 08/10/2020 12:25

I but YANBU as I thhink it wouldn,t have been too much freedom. Bit confused on what the YABU/yanbu was

SlothMama · 08/10/2020 12:30

I think it's a good idea for them to learn, I paid for my own lessons and passed at 18. So then when I finished Uni I had my licence and didn't have to worry about that when starting work.

Namechangedforthisoct2 · 08/10/2020 12:30

YANBU to be angry and upset with your mum despite it being over 10 years ago, emotional wounding stays active and present in us until it’s dealt with.
It’s good it’s come to the surface now. You have every right to feel the way you do, however it won’t serve you to keep feeling this way so you need to work on how you can move past this. Flowers is was a shitty thing for her to do

ShastaBeast · 08/10/2020 12:35

Are you a parent yet? I think that kinda feeling could be due to anxiety. I’d be reluctant to allow it because of the worry about accidents or other dangers. It’s a fine line between control and wanting to keep kids safe.

Plus it’s very impressive if you could afford to pay for lessons and then buy, insure, tax and MoT a car at 17/18. My dad couldn’t afford the insurance for me so I waited until I was working after graduating university and could afford to pay for the above myself.

mindutopia · 08/10/2020 12:51

I didn't grow up in the UK, but in my home country, we start learning to drive at 15. I got my license the day I turned 16. It was great and not too much freedom at all, though I was really sensible. Three days after I took my test, I had to drive 2 hours through a blinding snow snowstorm to collect some things from my grandfather. It was fine. I'm very good driving in snow now! Grin

thecatsthecats · 08/10/2020 13:13

I still wouldn't be driving if my mum had her way. Somewhat illogically, she kept bombarding me with data on accidents in the first year past your driving test (which you can only have after you've done your driving test...)

I see your small village, and raise you a spot six miles from the nearest village. And my own mum didn't drive, dad not available for lifts as at work.

Abusive - no, not in itself. Though it was combined with a lot of irrational fears and prejudices which, combined with our isolation, limited our relationship.

I'm a rational sod though, an introvert, and I could make enough calculated lies to get the freedom I wanted. So she reaped what she sowed, there.

I do agree though that primary aged children benefit from growing up in such environments as they're great for safe exploration, which is good for all sorts of reasons. And however much they dislike it, boredom is clinically proven to be beneficial for teenagers brain development and emotional state.

After all, I do find that my rural friends and I have a fairly distinct brand of confidence in navigating new scenarios that my city friends seem to lack - even though I get very odd jokes and misconceptions about rural bumpkin life!

emptyplinth · 08/10/2020 13:18

I think she's taught you a lesson about the value and convenience of having a car but it was harsh of her.