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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Allowing a 17-year-old to drive - too much freedom?

100 replies

Breakupcharlie · 08/10/2020 11:49

this is a reverse - I was going to do the whole thing of ‘my DD17 is paying for her own lessons but I think it will give her too much freedom’.

I grew up in a small village - it was two buses for well over an hour into town and then another one out for what would have been a ten minute drive to 6th form or work.

My mum said I wasn’t allowed to learn until after 6th form as she didn’t want it distracting me from my exams (I was on track for fairly good grades).

She admitted to me last weekend (6th form was ten years ago) that she said it would have gave me too much freedom and teenagers shouldn’t have that much freedom.

I can still remember waiting in the rain as my buses never aligned or I didn’t see my friends as the buses we’re a nightmare at the weekends. It’s really kind of bothered me and thinking it’s borderline abusive control?

OP posts:

LimitIsUp · 09/10/2020 13:01

Your mum wasn't entirely unreasonable, but I think could have driven you into town to meet your friends from time to time

Ssaussagedog6 · 09/10/2020 13:31

My mother didn't drive, but she was keen for me to have this as a skill

I had a moped at 16 & a part time job whilst at 6th form
Then motorbikes
I passed my driving test at 17
I didn't buy my first car until mid 20s
I was never permitted to drive the family car

Driving definitely opened up opportunities for employment for me
To visit family & friends
For holidays

Freedom

Not everyone is irresponsible

Dreamersandwishers · 09/10/2020 13:35

@corythatwas oh I do agree that waiting at bus stops is something one needs to get accustomed to, but here in Scotland that could mean a wait of 48 hours in some cases ( bus on alternate days, none on Sundays )
And please don’t suggest a bike...

corythatwas · 09/10/2020 13:52

Dreamers, wasn't that exactly what I said in my first post? That in some places driving is a necessity but that the OP seems to complain about having to take 2 buses for a total journey of about an hour.

If only the people who needed to drive drove and then only when they needed to drive, then we'd be in a much better situation as far as the environment is concerned.

puffinkoala · 09/10/2020 14:59

@corythatwas

Given the very high accident stats for the youngest drivers I can't say I'd have been very thrilled about my 17yo driving. Not because I was scared of them having freedom- I'm all for that- but because I am not convinced that 17yo brains are developed enough to consistently make good risk assessments when driving. Insurance companies, I believe, tend to agree with me.

Not sure I would have forbidden it, but I would have dissuaded them.

Yes this is a very good point. My son took (and failed) his driving test this morning. I really wanted him to pass, but on the other hand I was also thinking I should be careful about what I wish for. He can't currently get another test date until February, so that's another 3 months for his 17 year old brain to mature into a 18 year one...not much difference I know.

I think it's good to get your driving licence as soon as you can and get it behind you so you don't need to worry about it in the future. We don't live in a rural area though and both DH and I are wfh and always available, so we can be taxis for a bit longer.

tttigress · 09/10/2020 15:02

I think 17 year olds should learn ASAP, they don't have to be given cars.

Driving lessons are only going to become more and more expensive, so better to do it sooner rather than later.

BuddyRun · 09/10/2020 15:04

Yes, she was being unreasonable. Yes, she was unfairly controlling you. I'm sorry that you were abused in this way.

Oblomov20 · 09/10/2020 15:09

Do you honestly believe that tripe your mother is sprouting out? More fool you if you do. I learn to drive at 17 and it gave me great freedom. I still love driving. Our oldest DS1 is learning to drive at 17 currently. What possible good reasons could anyone have for not? What a load of nonsense.

Frequentcarpetflyer · 09/10/2020 15:13

No that's not abusive control.

Disa13 · 09/10/2020 15:17

I think causing you to have to wait in the rain at bus stops and spend hours on buses as a 17yo girl (presumably often alone) because letting you drive instead would have given you too much freedom is ridiculous and far too controlling.

I don't know if your dps could have paid for lessons (even if they couldn't, an adult you knew could have taught you to drive - my DDad taught me, my dps couldn't pay for lessons at the time). I didn't have my own car till a lot later, but that was mainly because I kept failing my driving test so I eventually bought my first car myself when I was a bit older. I'm sure they'd have helped me get or share an inexpensive car if I had been driving at 17 though.

I don't agree with pps basically saying "why does it matter now?" It sounds to me like your DM was irrationally/excessively controlling about your freedom and that's left you with some negative feelings you're trying to resolve.

JosiePyeTheOriginalMeanGirl · 09/10/2020 15:26

I think you should let it go. You turned out ok, evidently, and your mother was doing what she thought was best for your safety. Parents make mistakes-- or maybe this wasn't a mistake and if she'd let you drive, you'd have died in an awful auto accident. Who knows?

Driving is more dangerous for young drivers, and sometimes "freedom" does lead to teens putting themselves into bad situations and making poor choices that can have lasting effects.

needalittletimetowakeup · 09/10/2020 15:30

Can people read the OP? She isn't having a tantrum because she wasn't bought lessons, she would have paid for them herself.
She's quite rightly upset that she was denied something that would have improved the quality of her life for what now turns out to be a strange and possibly sexist reason.
If her Mum had admitted that actually she was concerned about her being involved in an accident, as some of you have said, that would be one thing, but because "teenage (girls) should not have freedom" is a difficult explanation to swallow.

Khajit · 09/10/2020 15:40

That is a bit strange. I got a job at 16 and saved up to pay for my own lessons and insurance for my parents car (it was a bit of a shit car so not that expensive!). I think my parents getting me to do it that was was to show I was mature enough to handle the responsibility of driving.

It's not fair, but I wouldn't call it abusive tbh.

safariboot · 09/10/2020 15:44

my older brother learnt at 17

Holy drip feed Batman!

While your mother's claimed reason may be true, this definitely adds an aspect of possible sexism. At the very least I can see how that would have felt, and still feels, extremely unfair.

Ludoole · 09/10/2020 15:58

I think 17 is too young, especially when I know 17yo that have limited patience. When you've seen video game controllers thrown while playing a game, I really wouldn't want that person behind a wheel of a car.... and its not my dc BTW, they haven't bothered with video games since they were 14.

notacooldad · 09/10/2020 18:03

I would say if your relationship is generally good with mum you should perhaps put this to bed.
Parents aren't always perfect and get things right all the time. They make decisions on their perception of risk. I know some people will shout it is sexist but what can be done now? It sounds as if mum was doing what she thought was right to protect you even if it did cause you inconvenience at the time.

You will do stuff with your kids in the future that you will look back on and think that you were too hard or too soft in a certain situation. You may do something that you will think is perfectly normal within your exoiernce range and they will harbour it against you forever.
( I know I do with my mum with certain words she used when I was a teenager against me.)
So either be happy in the present because you can't change the past or let it fester and get more bitter every time you think about it.
If you are going to keep hold of it make sure every decision you make for future teenage kids is the 💯 correct one!

FeelslikeaSunday2645 · 10/10/2020 12:04

Compulsory education used to end at 16
So many people went into the world of work at that age

You can marry & join armed forces at 16

You can ride a moped at 16

I cannot find any reason why someone could not drive at 17

D4rwin · 10/10/2020 12:09

Your mother sounds ridiculously precious. But not particularly abusive in this account. Obviously the general context of wanting to be pushy about academic success and not supporting your independence says very little for her belief in you and your abilities, which is sad.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 10/10/2020 12:12

If you had means to pay for them yourself yes, it was controlling.

Redwolf1 · 10/10/2020 12:32

I dont think your mum was abusive but she was out of order. My mum did not want us to get buses and always drove us around but she was always late. She would drop us off at school 15mins late daily and pick us up 45mins after school finished. I was so relieved to pass 4months after my 17th birthday and weirdly so was she, I dont know why she hated us getting buses

I live rurally now 5miles from the nearest village, I will happily buy my dds driving lessons when they turn 17 and maybe a car for their 18th

Around here most people learn at 17 and most drive competently

ChrissyPlummer · 10/10/2020 12:34

I’m not sure about abusive but I see your point.

I went to a sixth form that was in a semi-rural setting; although on a fairly busy road, as the road is a way from one side of town to the other and links to the motorway further up. I’m explaining this badly as it’s hard to, unless you know the area. There were no public buses and the official college buses used to go pretty far and wide to nearby towns....but weren’t allowed to stop at the stop on the main road by my house.

It was about a half hour walk for me; great when the weather was nice, bloody awful in the rain, which it does a lot of here. My friends brother who was a year older would give me a lift if he saw me walking, it took 5 minutes in a car. I left after a year and went to a college in another town that had a regular bus service from my road. I know of a few students who chose to do similar, as they (like me) couldn’t afford to drive and hated being so isolated.

Surely if the OPs mum was that concerned about her exams/studying, it would have been better for her to have been able to get home quickly instead of spending hours in the rain and cold hanging about for buses? It would have also provided better opportunities for jobs and doesn’t sound like the OP would have been relying on her parents for finance towards lessons/cars/insurance.

Thelnebriati · 10/10/2020 12:36

Its odd that she didn't want you to have the freedom of a car, but was happy to let you sit at a bus stop or use public transport. I don't see that one activity is a lower risk than the other, so that seems to be more about control than safety.
Teenagers are gregarious, and I don't think its fair for parents to keep them isolated. It seems much fairer and more sensible to encourage and enable them to meet up 'safely', whatever the risks are where you live.

MitziK · 10/10/2020 12:42

For the sake of one year, it seems to be a very disproportionate reaction on your part to call it abuse.

But then again, I just found myself a totally unsuitable boyfriend with a car for that time.

It was useful for attending the funerals of the schoolmates who died in stupid, stupid accidents in that year.

lyralalala · 10/10/2020 23:32

@Thelnebriati

Its odd that she didn't want you to have the freedom of a car, but was happy to let you sit at a bus stop or use public transport. I don't see that one activity is a lower risk than the other, so that seems to be more about control than safety. Teenagers are gregarious, and I don't think its fair for parents to keep them isolated. It seems much fairer and more sensible to encourage and enable them to meet up 'safely', whatever the risks are where you live.

She probably knew the OP wouldn’t go out half as much. She said herself in the op that she didn’t see her friends at weekends because the buses were a nightmare.

That’s a lot of a teenager’s social life to curtail

dairyswim · 11/10/2020 00:11

No it wasn't anywhere near abusive control, it was a parenting decision.

Whose car were you going to drive if you had learnt?

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