to hate Obligatory Corporate Fun?

[GettingAntsy]

I work in an office that's mostly people in their mid-20s to mid-30s (I am also in this category) for a company that really prides itself on having a great "culture".

At least once a month there's a "team night out" which usually involves going to a minigolf course or something like that and drinking the night away. These events aren't strictly obligatory, but it's very much expected that everyone goes, and it's a small company so if someone refused to go their absence would be noticed. These events have started again since the lockdown became less severe.

AIBU to absolutely hate this? I do get on with my colleagues, but to be honest, most days come 5 o'clock I just want to go home, put my tracksuit bottoms on and have something to eat. If I want to spend my free time with my colleagues I will ask them myself, I don't need the HR person to organise it for me. I do resent the pressure to give up my "free" time, not to mention the cost of buying rounds of drinks etc. But all my colleagues seem to genuinely enjoy the nights out and I feel like there must be something wrong with me because I never enjoy them (probably because they're always boozy and I don't drink a lot) and always leave early.

Am I an absolute scrooge? I promise I do have friends and I do go out, I just don't want it to be organised by my employer! When did it become normal for colleagues to party together on a week night? What exactly does this contribute to the company? Please reassure me that I'm not a miserable old fart...

My husband went to a 'ghetto golf' social with his work a few months back and I can safely say he'd rather gouge his own eyes out than do it again. He's senior enough that he doesn't 'have' to go but tends to try and show his face often enough to show willing. He's not a big drinker and has Aspergers, so genuinely finds it incredibly difficult to manage social situations.

I work for a charity and have none of this shite! Occasional after work drink if we fancy, the odd meal (leaving do, Christmas etc) but very relaxed and definitely optional.

I have worked for big blue chip companies in the past and I must admit in my 20s and early 30s I was always up for nights out / day at the races / casino / drinking lots etc etc. I'm still pretty sociable now, but really value my home life and relax time and would be loath to prioritise a work social over time with family.

Op are you having them at the moment? Do more than six of you go?

You don't have to make an excuse OP. If you don't want to go just say that you are going home to spend time with your partner/family and leave it at that. If they get arsy about it say, "I have spoken" firmly and refuse to discuss it further.

So what if your absence is noticed. Don't they get enough of you during work hours? Remind them that you are conscientious, hard working etc and that you expect to have a home life.

If there are more than six going, call the police. Problem solved

I hate them, my social awkwardness and phobia take over. I’m so glad there is no Christmas do to try and duck out of this year.

I hate it too. I wasn't keen when I was younger but now I have a family of my own I really resent the idea of being expected to give up my free time to spend time with people I don't really get on with when I don't have time to see friends and family as much as I would like.

My last workplace was terrible for this sort of thing. A few of the bosses based their whole lives around the office (socialising mainly with people from work, partners also working in the same office, living near to the office etc). They seemed determined to make everyone the same- so what could really just have been them deciding to have a night out together was badged as an 'office night out'. Anyone not wanting to join is was questioned and talked about. It was actually brought up in my appraisal (with one of these bosses) more than once. One of them was also keen on suggesting that to be successful everyone needed a 'starter' wife/husband (who did not work in the industry but would put their career on hold to support you building your career and doing all the childcare so you could have a family) then a 'proper' wife/husband who was in the same or a connected industry and could join you in networking etc and 'enjoying the finer things in life'. The idea was that the 'starter' partner would be the fallback parent for any childcare so you and the 'proper' partner could do fun stuff with the kids every other weekend (unless you get a better offer) but would never have to deal with the mundane domestic stuff. That's another thread really- but when I once said that I could not join an office night out because I had arrangements with DH and some friends I was asked to consider whether I had the right 'social circle' for my job!

This is something I try to discuss with clients quite often.... but usually to very little success. I point out that yes, the evenings/drinks out are great for some people but that they're not taking into account everyone in the company and I try to recommend a range of activities. Eg some things to happen during the work day, not always to involve alcohol etc. But there's a lot of resistance because the evening event with drinks or whatever is so much easier and often, there's a sense that people don't want to be out of the office during the day. Which of course, I understand but....

YANBU - I really, really hate stuff like this. specially coming after a full day of work, when (like you) I just want some comfy clothes, some tea and my sofa.

I no longer have to do so much of it (hurrah!) but when I did, I made a pact with myself: I would go to every third event. The other two I would decline well ahead of time so that it wasn't hanging over me.

It meant I didn't get known as a total bore (I hate that judgement on peple who don't want to participate btw) and still had some "night out" stories to tell and it made the one event easier because I knew I would miss the next two.

Sometimes I would decline with a reason but mostly I just learned to decline without. e.g. "No, I won't make it but I'll be at the next one / be at Sue's leaving do next month / be at the Christmas do etc. Hope you all have a great time!" That kind of thing. Do it enough, don't back down on the declines and people tend to just get used to this being your way. IME.

@Thepilotlightsgoneout

I think as it’s only once a month and you leave after one drink or whatever (and presuming they don’t give you a hard time about that), then yes you’re being a bit miserable. Sorry!

Why is it miserable to want to spend your free time doing what you want and not being forced to go out with workmates? Doesn’t matter if it’s once a month or once a week. My colleagues aren’t people I would choose as friends I’m just forced to breathe the same air for 8 hours a day.

I used to hate these, but after 8 months working from home, I'd love one now!

I try to recommend a range of activities

I have seen this work well. For example, a previous company ran a cinema night where they used a projector to show an older movie - something classic or with a cult following. A few free drinks and popcorn/crisps/pizza.

They started the show at 4pm, which meant most the day's work was done, people didn't seem to mind just topping back an hour or so - especially because they didn't have to leave the office for it. It suited those that hate small talk because they could just watch the film - plus gave an easy topic of chat afterwards for those who hung around a bit longer.

I don't know how much 'team building' happened but it seemed relaxed and sociable enough that it got one of the best turnouts. It was one of the evenings I was more likely to say Yes to :)

I can see it both ways. If it’s only once a month and you genuinely like most of your colleagues, why do you see it as any different to hanging out with your friends? It’s not a crazy expectation to expect people to do work socialising and networking (I hate that word, but it’s what you are doing at these events) for a couple of hours a month. On the other hand, I know the feeling of resenting the time out of your personal life - I once had a work field trip over the weekend that was a social event and really resented that as it was very much expected you would go. I personally would try to change your mindset and see it as fun, maybe skip every other one if that makes it more enjoyable for you.

what’s the worst that could happen? Unfortunately - being seen as "not a team player", losing out on promotion, and being first in the line for redundancy.

@user1496146479

I used to hate these, but after 8 months working from home, I'd love one now!

I'm with you, OP. The first company I ever worked for full time after leaving uni was like this. They went out every Friday night and sometimes once through the week as well and it was too much. As a previous poster said, they wanted us to think we were all family as it was a family run company but the truth was we were on very low wages and treated like shit. But I was supposed to give up a chunk of my pitiful wages drinking twice a week with people I really didn't have much in common with and be grateful for the opportunity?! Luckily, I had a puppy and a partner (ironically, I met him while working there he was a freelancer for the same company) and I just went to the odd drink on a friday, IF I felt like it. It was commented on by the more 'sociable' members of staff, one of whom was unprofessional enough to bring it up in front of a french lady we were interviewing for an article. I really enjoyed watching her dress him down, as she explained that in France, work and family are separate and that it would be considered the height of rudeness to intrude on family time. It didn't do my career one bit of harm, not socialising with them all the bloody time and no, I don't see or hear from any of tha first work 'family' now either.

The answer, of course, is to go freelance. Staffers really hate it when freelancers are invited along!

I remember one of the managers had a new enthusiasm for line dancing, and insisted that the entire management team participate in a session. I had a medical problem that meant I couldn't. I was taken aside and told my failure to participate had been Noted". Wtf? Either I'm downgraded in my performance review or I have to reveal to my colleagues a medical condition I'd prefer to keep to myself? And for my failure to participate in activity that could hardly be further from core business?

As someone who works in HR I always highlight that they are not good for team building as they can never be wholly inclusive, drinking isn’t for all, neither are sports/physical activity and the timing can also exclude people who have other commitments. It’s very old school to have these events so regularly organised by the employer, it would be different if it was just colleagues organising it weekly but for the employer that’s unusual to have such frequent socials. We get two parties a year, the “festive” one and a summer one. I’d do as suggested earlier and tell HR the events aren’t suitable for all and it might be worth collecting alternative ideas in case lockdown restrictions prevent them from continuing etc.

@MakeAPeaCry

I try to recommend a range of activities

I have seen this work well. For example, a previous company ran a cinema night where they used a projector to show an older movie - something classic or with a cult following. A few free drinks and popcorn/crisps/pizza.

They started the show at 4pm, which meant most the day's work was done, people didn't seem to mind just topping back an hour or so - especially because they didn't have to leave the office for it. It suited those that hate small talk because they could just watch the film - plus gave an easy topic of chat afterwards for those who hung around a bit longer.

I don't know how much 'team building' happened but it seemed relaxed and sociable enough that it got one of the best turnouts. It was one of the evenings I was more likely to say Yes to :)

IT's a good one!

I had a specialist financial services client. Massive growth in terms of employees and were trying to get the front office staff - who often had been there longer and/or turned up already knowing people because a lot of their recruitment was word of mouth - with the "support" staff in compliance, risk etc more aligned. But they couldn't work out why when they did fancy wine events in posh galleries, only the traders and some of the really young other staff turned up.

Then they suggested a big team lunch at the local pizza place one day. I am not sure if they even allowed alcohol. Practically everyone from the support functions were there and they finally realised that all those people working 9-6 jobs, with much lower pay, often with families etc just don't want to go to a free knees up at fancy wine bars. And because a lot of senior management all made a point of coming to the lunch, the team were really pleased as they got that informal engagement without having to go places they didn't want to go, at times they were busy wit other things, to do things they didn't like doing!

Sadly, I don't think they've made any further attempts...

Loved this in my twenties, wouldn’t want to do it often now, once a month seems a lot. In my experience though some people love them and some people go sometimes and some hardly every go, and it’s never been a big deal (but appreciate that might not be the case in all work places). The comment about wondering whether they have their own friends seems a bit unfair though, once a month still does leave a lot of other days for your own friends!! (Though completely understandable when people don’t want to do it full stop!)

YANBU, I try and swerve the Christmas party most years if I can! My colleagues are lovely and I enjoy an impromptu trip to the pub with them, we had a lovely, group of 6, socially distanced walk a couple of weeks ago, but organised 'activity' trips I hate with a passion.

In my 20s as a fresh graduate optional socialising was fun and useful. Now I do the Christmas do and not much else. Regular team events should be entirely optional if they're not in works time, and ideally there should be variety of events so everyone can enjoy them.

I absolutely hate this shit.

Even if it's on a work day I book annual leave. We've had all sorts of interactive team building events. Management have given up trying to persuade me now.

YANBU I used to enjoy going for drinks with my colleagues when it was an impromptu "I'm going to the pub later, who's coming?", most leaving dos, and even the staff Christmas party, when it was literally after work for a few hours and then everyone goes home.

I really disliked the company I worked for which had two offices 100s of miles apart and in the spirit of team building, we were regularly expected to make the journey to the other office, or meet in the middle somewhere for corporate "fun" on a Saturday . It was very much frowned upon if you didn't attend, or didn't appear to have a good enough reason not to go.

The worst was a Christmas party where I had to leave home at about 10am on a Saturday to travel across London to meet colleagues to catch a particular train to where the Christmas party was being held 100s of miles away. Party Saturday night, train back on the Sunday and I didnt get home until about 7pm. And then I had to get up on Monday to see colleagues I'd just spent the entire weekend with. As an extrovert, it was exhausting to literally have no down time all weekend. That was the last time I vowed to do anything like that.

My wife works for such a company although she is 40s and most of her colleagues are late 20s and 30s. They are a nice bunch but there is this expectation that she needs to have works drinks about once a month. It would not be so bad if it was a random Thursday evening but it is mostly Friday nights and even Saturday drinks have been arranged. She is very precious about her personal time and does not really want to spend it necking shots. She just gets her excuses in early and leaves them to it.