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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding outfits

66 replies

Summerflowers101 · 07/10/2020 16:05

Hoping to get married in 2021 (hoping being the operative word!!). My mum has bought her outfit and she doesn’t want my MIL in the same colour. I told my MIL not to get the same colour but now after browsing she is saying she wants that colour as she thinks it will suit her. I wouldn’t mind her in a darker shade as it could tie in together but my mum is saying she would be unhappy about it and it’s causing her anxiety. Do you think a darker shade would be OK or is MIL being unreasonable not choosing a different colour?

OP posts:

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/10/2020 16:08

I think as long as they're not wearing white or anything inappropriate, neither of them has the right to dictate to the other. Your wedding day isn't about your mum. Why is she getting anxiety about this? What will she do if another guest wears that colour? Is this normal behaviour for her?

Athe · 07/10/2020 16:08

I think they’re both being a bit unreasonable. They’re grown-ups, let them choose what they’re going to and remove yourself from it, you probably don’t need the drama.

Frazzled13 · 07/10/2020 16:10

They’re both being unreasonable. I’d never ask that someone wore a different colour to me, but equally if someone asked me not to wear a specific colour, I’d probably do what they wanted (with an eye roll).

PaulinePetrovaPosey · 07/10/2020 16:11

If I was your MIL I'd be tempted to buy that colour just to irritate your extremely childish sounding mother. I'd also be bemused (nice way of putting it) by you 'telling' me what I could wear!

Original poster

Summerflowers101 · 07/10/2020 16:11

I know they can choose what they want but I guess it would be good to respect each other's feelings without dictating somehow! My mum is an anxious person and I genuinely think it will ruin the day for her if MIL is in a virtually identical dress. She has not shared with her family that she has even bought the dress for fear of them asking what it's like and then wearing something similar! I don't want her to be distressed as it will impact me??

OP posts:

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/10/2020 16:14

Is the dress virtually identical? Sounds like it's a different dress in a different shade of whatever?

Does your mum understand that the day is about you and your fiance getting married and not her?

Original poster

Summerflowers101 · 07/10/2020 16:15

The first dress MIL suggested was white with flowers in the same colour. The second dress was virtually the same colour and shade of that colour.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/10/2020 16:17

I'd just ask your fiance to sort this with his mother and then forget about it.

You can pick this back up if and when the wedding happens.

Arewenearly · 07/10/2020 16:18

I actually don't think your mum is unreasonable. Your MIL has every other colour to choose from, I don't think it's too big an ask not to be the same as your mum.

Odile13 · 07/10/2020 16:19

I think both your DM and MIL are being unreasonable. DM is unreasonable to say MIL shouldn’t wear the same colour. I didn’t even know that was a thing. MIL is unreasonable to not pick another colour as you’ve told her it matters so much to your mother. If I was in MIL’s shoes I would think it was a bizarre request but do it to keep the peace - and there’s a whole rainbow of colours out there to choose from!

Unfortunately you’re now the one in a tricky position.

1940s · 07/10/2020 16:20

My MIL specifically asked if my Mum had her outfit as she didn't want to be matchy as it would look staged. I don't think it's wild for your Mum to say 'I'm wearing Navy' and I think your MIL should try another colour. It shouldn't be the be all and end all but will be nicer on the day if they're in different colours

blueberrypie0112 · 07/10/2020 16:22

They should wear the same color if they like the dress. Tell them wear whatever they like, you don’t feel like anyone fighting over a dress color on your wedding day

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 07/10/2020 16:23

Step back as far as you can, this will rumble on for months.

raspberryfields · 07/10/2020 16:23

I think white background with same colour flowers is different enough and could look nice, tbh.

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/10/2020 16:23

Ok, so your mum is in a white dress with, say, cobalt blue flowers? And your MIL would be in a differently styled dress in solid cobalt blue?

I can't see the issue, really. If anything I think it'll help them look aligned as part of the wedding party and go well in the photos. What will your mum do if another guest turns up in cobalt blue?

I suppose it would be decent of your MIL to along with the request because it isn't worth falling out over, but I'd hope that if she didn't, your mum also wouldn't feel it was worth ruining the day over. It's not her day to ruin, does she realise that?

movingonup20 · 07/10/2020 16:31

As long as it's not identical why does it matter

IndieRo · 07/10/2020 16:32

My mil purposely bought an ivory suit for my wedding. She was annoyed that I wouldn't tell her the colour of my dress... Absolute cf.

waltzingparrot · 07/10/2020 16:33

Could you view both dresses and then assure your mum that she's not going to look like a bookend.

Pbbananabagel · 07/10/2020 16:33

Ok, is your mother in law trying to upset you and your mother? I’d tell her to please get something else. Your mum is MotB and it’s your wedding.

backspacekey · 07/10/2020 16:40

My sister checked what colour her son's future mother in law would be wearing to his wedding as a courtesy to avoid the same colour.

Leimarel · 07/10/2020 16:41

Is MIL deliberately shit stirring, knowing that choosing a dress in the same colour is going to upset your mum? Of all the colours in the rainbow, she wants the same colour your mum has chosen? I'd be tempted to tell her that mum has changed her mind and is now going to wear purple and lime green stripey hotpants with a matching fedora.

FinallyHere · 07/10/2020 16:42

I would be telling DM how flattering it is that DMiL wants to follow her fashion lead. I would then lead her on to remember other occasions when people had followed her fashion lead. She would chat away and forget all about the upset.

Honestly, how can it matter if someone wants to copy you? So long as you are happy with your outfit, and know you look great, how does it matter what anyone else is wearing?

If you could run a questionnaire after the event, how many people would remember who wore what ?

Original poster

Summerflowers101 · 07/10/2020 16:51

I understand to many of you, if you were MoTB and the MoTG wore the exact same colour and shade of outfit it wouldn't matter. But my mum just isn't that person. She won't be able to "let it go", it will be something she frets over for months and will be affected by on the day. I can't just say to her "who cares?" because I know she very much does care and unfortunately I can't force her not to care. I also can't force MIL to buy a certain dress.

OP posts:

ReeseWitherfork · 07/10/2020 16:54

Based on your recent update: your mum needs to change her dress. She doesn’t get priority treatment because she’s the brides mother (as opposed to the groom), because she had anxiety, or because she made a prior request. If she doesn’t want to wear the same colour as MoTG then she needs to change outfit.

sillysmiles · 07/10/2020 16:54

Can you go shopping with your mother so that she can get a second outfit in a different colour so that she has an alternative option if MIL's dress is too similar for her comfort?

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