Work place bullying

[Vari757]

AIBU to think that bullying goes on in every work place and everyone encounters it at one point in their lives?

I work for a smallish company in a male dominated industry but unfortunately was targeted by two different women that made my life at ability to do my job very difficult. It calmed down after I spoke to one of our directors but I'm still deeply hurt by it all and cry about it sometimes and during the height of the bullying I was put on anti anxiety medication as I was struggling to cope.
It got to me thinking about previous jobs I've had and I've actually came to the realisation that there has always been at least 1 person that has been really unkind to me in every job I've had. None of these have obviously been physical bullying but emotional put downs, rumour spreading and attempts to undermine and pushed out of projects. I'm quite sad about it actually.

Does everyone experience this and I just need to get on with it or am I doing something wrong that causes this behaviour?

My DH was bullied by a new manager in the later stages of his working life. It got so bad he wanted to commit suicide.
Being a private man he wouldn't complain. I begged him to contact HR. It took for this attempt to make him aware that
his treatment from this person was wrong.
Fortunately they needed to make redundancies and with only 5 years to go he took it.
It has changed his way of thinking, loss of confidence, worries about everything.

Don't let this happen to you complain complain complain. Bullies need to be made aware that they are in the wrong.

That's terrible. I feel awful for your husband but glad he got out of a toxic situation. Obviously just shows the effects can be long term.
Can I ask if he ever confronted them directly?

Unfortunately he didn't. We have since heard others had been given the same treatment.
My DH was no threat to his position. Local government. They were the same level but different departments.
This person has now gone to the next local authority.

I've only had it in one workplace situation, but God I hated that workplace, and I hate two bitches in particular with a grand passion. Let's put it this way, if they fell into the road in front of me, I'd be highly likely to gun the engine.

These types of people always seem to get away with it with no consequences. I don't believe either of my bullies were disciplined or reprimanded in anyway, I think they were just gently told to chill out I would really like to see some karma but then I feel bad for not being the bigger person

Yep, had it twice, once from a complete and utter bitch who was a control freak and am currently experiencing it from management who are so pompous they think they can do what they want and treat you how they like and you will just put up with it. I'm currently off work with stress and am feeling awful, but they still won't leave me alone.

@mbosnz

I've only had it in one workplace situation, but God I hated that workplace, and I hate two bitches in particular with a grand passion. Let's put it this way, if they fell into the road in front of me, I'd be highly likely to gun the engine.

How did it finally get resolved? Did you leave the work place or report them?

I left. No point in reporting them, they were golden.

But on my last day, head bitch let her mask slip to a person outside of our department, which was most unusual for her.

That person was gobsmacked, watched her flounce off full of her self-importance, turned to me, and said very loudly and clearly, 'what a bitch!

I thanked her profusely for her observation, saying I was glad it wasn't just me that thought it. . . had several others throughout the day, quietly sidle up and say that they thought so too, just too afraid to say it, and they wished it was her going, rather than me. . . it was lovely!

Not to me but a very lovely lady I worked with was told she'd have to get better if she wanted to stay. It was the kind of job you learnt through experience and support.. She was in tears. The person who said this was new to the situation too. The person who said it lasted 6 months. People made it clear that it was not the work ethos we wanted

I usually find that if one workplace is free of them, the next one will have two.

And often they have managementy type roles (which is ridiculous as they shouldnt be anywhere near people let alone in a position of authourity) I can think of 6 or 7 women over the years that have targeted me in the workplace. Now adays I can pinpoint them very early on as they often start by looking at you very intensely. Like a shark eyeing up dinner. Then itll be little comments about your habits or appearance or something that's none of their buisness.

I dont believe it's a gender thing. I think female narcissists/sociopaths are just more likely to target other women. I've met plenty of men that were the same thing in the workplace but they've tended to want you to stroke their ego rather than break you down (they probably save that for their partners).

I wish they ran psychological tests on everyone before hiring them. Or at least before promoting them to a position of authority or with any responsibility for vulnerable people.

Now adays I just leave the second I come accross them. At least if they are in a position of authority. Because the fight isn't worth it. HR will always try to make it seem like 'a difference in opinions' rather than the fact they have hired a psychopath. Best to just cut and run if you can. Not always so easy of course, at times when you need the money.

There was a woman at my old workplace (a staff nurse) who was always nasty behind my back & I knew because friends warned me. She was part of a clique. Much older than me & should have known better. I got quite depressed.
Finally the Clinical Leader was told something was up & called me into the office with this nasty woman.

I'm afraid I lost my temper & called this woman a 'fucking bitch' in front of my manager after the woman could no longer deny she was being bitchy... my manager was shocked obviously but this woman didn't cross me again!!

Now there's an HCA in my current workplace who has bully potential.
She seems very fake with me & I don't trust her.

But I have to check myself & tread carefully as I have Schizoaffective disorder and can get very paranoid about certain things and part of my paranoia is that people might be nasty behind my back!! It's really hard.

If she does turn nasty I'll get evidence then confront her & talk to my new clinical leader.. I let the last situation go on too long but if it happens again I'm prepared.

I used to work in a retail shop when I was at uni and the manager was awful.
I remember one time she changed the shifts last minute without telling me (normally I note down my shifts and was always reliable). when I told her I couldn't work that day she had now put me on, due to a uni deadline and uni work I had planned around my original shifts on the rota, she would say things like 'you are really letting everybody in the team down'. At the time it would really upset me as I was only young (19/20).
Now I'm in my 30s and realise how inappropriate she was in the way she treated people.

Also a separate incident, not really bullying but very inappropriate. A different manager was struggling to conceive. She said to me if I got accidentally pregnant not to get rid of the baby as she would have it. I was 16 at the time and it was my Saturday job. It's inappropriate but also kind of sad really.

Some of these stories sound so awful. Do you think that sometimes bullies genuinely don't realise what they are doing or they know fine well??

I would say that inappropriate comments slip out but bullying and coercion are deliberate.

They know fine. They usually are in the dark triad spectrum so they need to stamp on people to feel good about themselves.

Unfortunately yes. I’ve experienced it a few times in my career, and always by a (childless) woman in a senior position. The last time, I was in what I though was my dream job, but hated every second of the 2 years I was there and it made me physically ill.
I’m a manager now, and go out of my way to be the best boss possible, but there are toxic people everywhere unfortunately.

I’ve been really lucky. I work closely with 6 other women and they are amazing.

Was only thinking of one such woman the other day - this was a period of time 8 years ago... it really does stick with you. I just wish I had pushed things with HR but unfortunately they deterred me from making a complaint and as a young woman (and quite vulnerable at the time) I just wanted it to go away.

And when the 'victim' is a young and attractive woman, people seem to think it just "comes with the territory".... Or else that you are a predator out to make some sexual harassment claim. I experienced very little empathy from others after receiving a torrent of abuse which was the crescendo of a lengthy period of intimidating behaviour. I was barely sleeping at the time and for the only time in my life, felt physically ill from stress in the form of intense neck pain (never mentioned that part but I remember it). And HR was an older lady who I caught looking me up and down with that bitter type of side eye I already knew too well.... Well no chance of any support from her!

You kind of just bumble through and then later on in life feel quite angry about it as by that point there have been a litany of these kinds of reactions from women in the workplace. It is almost always down to jealousy, in my opinion. If you're attractive and have "that" kind of personality which is true and good and just shines naturally, well you may as well get ready for a decade of disparaging and unkind remarks and behaviour. The golden unspoken rule is that you simply CANNOT be pretty/ good looking and intelligent.... pretty and funny/ pragmatic/ logical.... and well pretty and anything. So you learn to dull it down and/or become tougher.

The comment a previous poster wrote about the signs such as intense staring and random comments are spot on. There really is always one in every work place, it seems. I don't work in offices anymore, thank god.

I have seen it as clear as day in my current job. I've only been in it two months and have a close eye on the deputy manager. Have been shunted to a different floor because my face doesn't fit. One woman who unofficially mentored me and was really bloody good at the job put her resignation through the door on Sunday night.

I helped her edit her letter to hr regarding this manager and seeing it all laid out, pages and pages of it in black and white was actually pretty shocking.

I have also been bullied out of a job, fired before 12 months for a made up reason falsified no evidence. I was 18 and very naive but also didn't have a leg to stand on.

My dm is a nurse and has either been witness to or victim of bullying in every nursing role she's ever had.

Dp had it when he was a student working in retail. He showers at least once a day, sometimes twice, yet his line manager tried to say he stank. He was regularly doing 12 hour shifts (one of the big supermarkets) so by the end of his shift probably didn't still smell as fresh as he did at the start but certainly didn't smell bad. She didn't get far with that for very obvious reasons.

Honestly, if you are being bullied in the workplace there is no way it is happening by accident. The first incident, I left after 5 months as it was making me ill. The current incident I have worked there for many, many years and have been treated appallingly by new management, as I'm older they undoubtedly don't think that I am of any further use to them. This again has made me ill, but as I have been there for such a long time I have decided to fight them and am in the process of doing so, but it really isn't good for my mental or physical health. It is soul destroying to be treated this way.

@CatMagic

Was only thinking of one such woman the other day - this was a period of time 8 years ago... it really does stick with you. I just wish I had pushed things with HR but unfortunately they deterred me from making a complaint and as a young woman (and quite vulnerable at the time) I just wanted it to go away.

And when the 'victim' is a young and attractive woman, people seem to think it just "comes with the territory".... Or else that you are a predator out to make some sexual harassment claim. I experienced very little empathy from others after receiving a torrent of abuse which was the crescendo of a lengthy period of intimidating behaviour. I was barely sleeping at the time and for the only time in my life, felt physically ill from stress in the form of intense neck pain (never mentioned that part but I remember it). And HR was an older lady who I caught looking me up and down with that bitter type of side eye I already knew too well.... Well no chance of any support from her!

You kind of just bumble through and then later on in life feel quite angry about it as by that point there have been a litany of these kinds of reactions from women in the workplace. It is almost always down to jealousy, in my opinion. If you're attractive and have "that" kind of personality which is true and good and just shines naturally, well you may as well get ready for a decade of disparaging and unkind remarks and behaviour. The golden unspoken rule is that you simply CANNOT be pretty/ good looking and intelligent.... pretty and funny/ pragmatic/ logical.... and well pretty and anything. So you learn to dull it down and/or become tougher.

The comment a previous poster wrote about the signs such as intense staring and random comments are spot on. There really is always one in every work place, it seems. I don't work in offices anymore, thank god.

This really spoke to me actually because I am quite young (late 20's) I don't think I look like a supermodel by any means but I like fashionable clothes, blonde, make up, go to the gym regularly etc so i probably look fairly nice to others. The assumption that one of the women took that I was a bit thick and she would regularly critique me (she was not my manager or within my department. I actually run my dept) and make awful remarks about my work/intelligence levels when I'm actually degree qualified, have a post graduate diploma and taken professional exams which means I have letters after my name on my LinkedIn profile so I certainly don't think I come across as a silly little airhead but it really knocked my confidence and I'm a lot quieter at work now where I used to be one of the most socialable in terms of going to colleagues 40th/50th parties, wedding receptions etc and it's just spoiled it for me because I feel shy and uncomfortable now.

I was badly bullied by my manager at my old workplace. I used to dread going into work & used to get so upset everyday before work! I ended up walking out in the middle of my shift. I was close to a breakdown! I'm glad I walked out when I did.

I genuinely cannot think of a single works place where bullying took place. I worked somewhere where I really didn’t like the people, and it had a very paranoid vibe, but I’d still not say bullying.

Not sure if that’s luck or the draw or more that perhaps it didn’t happen to me personally - but cannot say I’ve seen it either.

@Flipflophurray

I genuinely cannot think of a single works place where bullying took place. I worked somewhere where I really didn’t like the people, and it had a very paranoid vibe, but I’d still not say bullying.

Not sure if that’s luck or the draw or more that perhaps it didn’t happen to me personally - but cannot say I’ve seen it either.

That's what I was wondering as speaking to some friends who said they have never dealt with bullies past school age and my partner says he has never experienced it either. I did genuinely worry that I was doing something to agitate these people.

I don't think I really appreciated that I was being "bullied" until after I left, 2 different workplaces. I just assumed these male managers were difficult individuals and I wasn't assertive enough and needed to toughen up.

It wasn't until the last day of both jobs that realisation dawned - it wasn't me, it was them all along. I'd been pushed down, gaslighted, manipulated, pressured, threatened and treated like dirt, and I just didn't see it until someone else pointed it out.

I just thought I was shit, so I ran away.

I'm leaving out the 3rd workplace where I was sexually harassed (propositioned 3 times) and told I could get a higher ranking job by "proving myself"...

I just remember feeling sad that it was all a lie. I couldn't report him because he was a director, and the last person who tried to report him got seconded about 400 miles away.