Work place bullying

[Vari757]

AIBU to think that bullying goes on in every work place and everyone encounters it at one point in their lives?

I work for a smallish company in a male dominated industry but unfortunately was targeted by two different women that made my life at ability to do my job very difficult. It calmed down after I spoke to one of our directors but I'm still deeply hurt by it all and cry about it sometimes and during the height of the bullying I was put on anti anxiety medication as I was struggling to cope.
It got to me thinking about previous jobs I've had and I've actually came to the realisation that there has always been at least 1 person that has been really unkind to me in every job I've had. None of these have obviously been physical bullying but emotional put downs, rumour spreading and attempts to undermine and pushed out of projects. I'm quite sad about it actually.

Does everyone experience this and I just need to get on with it or am I doing something wrong that causes this behaviour?

I've never been bullied by anyone at work. I've worked with some arseholes but not bullies.

I think some people are definitely more of a ‘target’ than others. Either they have a vulnerability about them, or are seen as a threat (sometimes a combination of the two e.g softly spoken but attractive).

Some people are also more sensitive to it so are not as able to tolerate toxic environments without it affecting their mental health. (This is not in any way to suggest that anyone should have to tolerate it but some people have higher resilience levels than others and some have pre existing mental health conditions which can be triggered by toxic environments).

I think a combination of these factors can contribute to why some people perceive that this is not a big thing but others don’t really see it. As an HR professional I see both. Personally it doesn’t happen to me much but I hear countless examples of it!

@Vari757 I do wonder whether certain workplace cultures contribute. I can also say I’ve never had a truly horrible boss either - but for that I know I’m lucky. I work for myself now and can definitely say that I work with clients who I reckon would likely be awful to their staff.

I've been with my (generally really great) employer for years, and I've still experienced bullying, and it was devastating, even though it was resolved in my favour in the end. It only takes one arsehole to ruin things; it wormed its way into every area of my life. The good news is it put me in touch with lovely people who encouraged me to pursue a new career, which I'm just embarking on now.

I personally experienced it in two jobs throughout my career. IMO it is not the norm. I left both of those jobs as soon as I could and if I ever happen to come across one particular person from one of those workplaces, I swear I'll cross the road and turn my head away. I don't wish her anything bad, but I don't wish her well either, she's a horrid, horrid bully and one day she'll get what she deserves, no doubt.

I think it's true to say that there are some difficult people in every workplace. But there's a difference between managing your relationships with difficult people (which tends to become much easier the more mature you and they become) and dealing with a bully. I don't think you should expect bullying in every new workplace you go to, I think that would be extremely unlucky to happen every time tbh. Try not to worry too much or project that will happen again.

I forgot one.

The Departmental manager groped me in full view of everybody on the dance floor at the office function. Apparently I had this coming, because I'd been friendly (nothing more, I swear). The woman who said this to me, when I'd said that I was quite upset by this, later apologised to me, when she found he'd also done it to another young woman, and also left his pregnant wife after cheating on her with another secretary.

This was when I was in my late twenties, I already had suffered multiple instances through my life of sexual harassment and abuse, and I truly did believe it must be my fault because it kept happening to me.

I was not too bad looking then, and I have big knockers, which some men seem to think indicates something about just how 'up for it' I am.

I actually think it's often the case that HR and/or the senior management know about the issues but either they're the same, or they don't know how to deal with it, or they consciously choose to keep the bully on and happy because they bring the money in. All three scenarios show pathetically poor management and in my experience this is a bad sign and it's not worth staying in this sort of place long term.

Interestingly, whilst my current team and working environment is great, I know our Head of HR is a nasty piece of work and I have no doubt she'd not deal with bullying the right way. I think she's a mean girl herself. The big boss seems to have the dark side too I heard. So upon reflection, maybe I'm just lucky not to have any issues, but colleagues in some other departments may be suffering in silence.

Yes especially if you're a temp
My mum has experienced it too several times working for dwp

Actually though - in the flip side I have seen someone perfectly fair and professional accused of bullying when it was a genuine performance management issue.

Actually though - in the flip side I have seen someone perfectly fair and professional accused of bullying when it was a genuine performance management issue.

Fair point, and me too - several times. It is of course, the catch phrase of the incompetent who has been seen through and snapped for it. . .

@mbosnz to be fair, people who are on a performance plan or just aren’t that good never seem to know it so probably do feel victimised.
By the way not in any way taking away from how awful it must be to be bullied at work!

Yes, I was in a job where I was bullied by the owner of the company. There was no HR department at the time so there was no-one I could report it to.

When I first joined the company, my line manager reported into the owner. Over three years I had five different line managers (staff turnaround there was massive) until finally the buffer was removed and the owner became my manager. That's when life became difficult. He would shout at me, humiliate me in front of colleagues at meetings, and blame me for things that were out of my control. I was desperate to leave but somehow thought I'd be better off staying until I found another job. That was the wrong decision. I was a crying mess at home, on the way into work and on the way home. I was self-harming and whilst driving, I fantasised about deliberately crashing the car.
I eventually found another job but the damage had been done. Ten years later, I've had CBT, I'm on medication for my anxiety, I still self-harm and I worry about absolutely everything.

To anyone who is being bullied at work, please report it or just get out, the consequences are just not worth it.

Of course you weren't, it's a very fair point!

My old manager was horrible sometimes but I genuinely don’t think she realised it. For instance before a Christmas party she said to one of the girls that I was friends with ‘make sure sarah wears something high cut for the Christmas party’ my friend obviously told me, I was shocked cause I do have massive boobs and so I can’t really hide them and so was self conscious of them 😵 and just little stuff like that but tbh she was a different woman outside of work.

A young apprentice once got me hauled up by the bosses for bullying her because I didn’t want to socialise with her outside of work and would avoid her (she was lazy, never did any work, never shut up all day, was participating in sex acts with other staff at work and would cause trouble between people so suffice to say I didn’t want to socialise with someone like that or really have anything to do with her unless I needed to) I don’t have a bullying bone in my body and the bosses knew that, but that stressed me out so much 😔

@Vari757

AIBU to think that bullying goes on in every work place and everyone encounters it at one point in their lives?

I work for a smallish company in a male dominated industry but unfortunately was targeted by two different women that made my life at ability to do my job very difficult. It calmed down after I spoke to one of our directors but I'm still deeply hurt by it all and cry about it sometimes and during the height of the bullying I was put on anti anxiety medication as I was struggling to cope.
It got to me thinking about previous jobs I've had and I've actually came to the realisation that there has always been at least 1 person that has been really unkind to me in every job I've had. None of these have obviously been physical bullying but emotional put downs, rumour spreading and attempts to undermine and pushed out of projects. I'm quite sad about it actually.

Does everyone experience this and I just need to get on with it or am I doing something wrong that causes this behaviour?

Is it a bit imagined maybe?

Some people interact differently to others what's honest to one person is mean to another etc

If it's happened in every single job you've been at maybe you need to look at how you react to what people say and do and if its appropriate.

Anxiety can cause you to have inappropriate responses.

"Oh I liked your hair the old way" can be a genuine honest statement but can be taken as an insult etc

I realised when I left that I was being bullied. Senior was very jealous, said horrible things about me behind my back, ruined my confidence and stopped giving me any good work. When I went it a new job I was instantly promoted and told I was amazing. From now on I will leave ASAP if I encounter a toxic person.

I had a horrible bullying manager at an old job. I’d worked there for a decade prior to their arrival. 6 of us all ended up off with work related stress at some point then all but one left. I wrote to the HR & head manager when I left telling them what had gone on. I wasn’t able to at the time because the bully had shattered my confidence so much and constantly threatened to find ways to sack us & we believed him. Seems crazy now.
The bully was suspended pending investigation after my letter and then sacked.

However the lasting effects on my MH have been so damaging that I suffer anxiety, panic attacks, have no confidence left and hardly leave the house except to work.

Luckily I've never experienced this, although I did have a, colleague who was unity hostile to me when I joined that company and was a bit taken aback. If you didn't know how to handle her, I think she could definitely be a bit of a bully. She also had complaints made against her to her boss (by senior members of staff!) about her attitude and rudeness!

My friend had a horrible expeirence that I'd class typical, senior schoolesque bullying within a group of 'friends' that were utter bitches to her from within the group. They made (not so) veiled comments and jokes about her between themselves while she was there, conversation would conspicuously stop when she walked into the room etc. Pathetic, bitchy, juvenile behaviour.

Someone tried to bully me once. I complained immediately and it was dealt with very quickly.

However I was fortunate as it was a new person and I was an established employee who was well trusted.

Bullying at work is a terrible thing, can happen to anyone. I'm a bit miffed though at the comment by a pp that it's usually carried out by a childless woman!!!! Talk about unfair stereotyping.

I was bullied for 3 years by a colleague at work. A much older woman who is very bitter about life in general. Several people reported it to my manager without me knowing. I also reported it on FOUR occasions and when I finally had enough and threatened to go straight to HR she came and apologised to me & the manager decided that it was done. Now she is bizarrely nice to me but I still hate her & wish karma would bite her. I am so annoyed at myself for not going above senior management but I didnt see the point at the time. Sometimes her mask slips & I see her reverting back to her old ways but this time I am ready. She never said anything to me directly but would leave rooms when I walked in, and would tell lies about me to other people - so much so when new people started they instantly disliked me due to the things she told them. But people see it now - I honestly despise her - a bitter and twisted old lonely woman. Should be pitied really but I dont have it in me. We are polite to eachother now & have idle chit chat. So bizarre. But her behaviour was allowed to carry on for so long that I genuinely believe she thought she was untouchable.

Perhaps some work environments are more likely to attract bullies? I’ve heard hospitals & schools are particularly bad for bullying. I whiteness unpleasant intimidation at my workplace weekly from a few women. It really shows their issues and problems. I’m at a stage in my life where I just don’t care what bullies say or do anymore.

Yanbu and if it ever happens again ( as it has many times in the past) I am going to drop out and become a proper bum...and/ or work for myself!

I've just left a job due to a bullying manager. The type that nothing was ever good enough and would berate you in front of the team to make himself look like a billy big balls. We lost 6 team members in the six months he was there, when I left there were only 4 left.

I reported him on the way out. Opened up the doors for the other team members to tell their stories and they have done so. He's a racist, disablist, sexist bully and deserves everything bad coming to him. Hope beyond hope he gets his p45 the arsehole. Hate bullies.

There is no way I could have stayed in that situation. I handed in my notice without having anything to go to because it was that bad.

Perhaps some work environments are more likely to attract bullies? I’ve heard hospitals & schools are particularly bad for bullying.

I think you're right there. I did my work experience in a primary school and I was shocked to find that the staff room was worse than the playground. One teacher (female) in particular was horribly bullied by a particular (male) teacher who was the typical jocular bully - the type that gets everyone laughing at someone else's expense and in on the 'joke'. Lots of pathetic female teachers and TAs laughing along quietly without actually saying or doing anything harassing themselves but not calling him out either and encouraging him by feeding his ego.