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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU MIL comment - SIL revelation?

91 replies

MrsWarleggan · 06/10/2020 16:47

My MIL popped up today. We were having a cuppa and a general chit chat about life, work, money etc and I mentioned that I was absolutely knackered what with having to work an extra 8 hours on a Sunday to make up for DHs overtime being wiped out at work due to Covid. On top of 25hrs anyway, baby at home etc. Pre covid he came home with an extra £600 a month by putting the hours in, which really helped us out but last 4 months - nothing. I said to her that it was stressing me out and that we were robbing Peter to pay Paul. Her response was, "Well it is what it is, you just have to live within you means". I agreed you do, but at the moment it just feels like we are existing, not living (I didn't say that out loud).

Anyhoo, SIL called after MIL left. Again, more chatting about life in general and she said "Yeah you must really be feeling it without the overtime" I agreed and she turned round and said "Yeah it's really tough at the moment, if mum hadn't of given me £200 last week I don't know what I would have done. I almost couldn't go out on Saturday!

Ermm....?? So I'm sitting near on tears saying I didn't know if I could put petrol in my car next week to go to work and get told to get a grip its life... Yet SIL moans about not being able to go out on the piss and she gets bunged £200??

For the record I don't/didn't expect a hand out, but I'm miffed, is that unreasonable??

OP posts:
Cheeeeislifenow · 06/10/2020 18:28

Op she is not your mother. Would you even have accepted it if she offered it?
I don't really see why mil should be giving anyone money TBH but it's her cash.the comment to me sounds like a general, yes it's shit for everyone, we all have to tighten our belts comment.

blueberrypie0112 · 06/10/2020 18:31

I came from a huge family, one side of over 22 1st cousins (the other is lower but still huge) plus husband and his family. This is what i have seen so don’t be surprised he got money from his mother too. But since she said he is too proud then maybe not. It could be through Christmas/birthday gifts or given to them . Men often ask their parents for money and don’t tell you about it.

But they also don’t if they are proud.

Oneandzero · 06/10/2020 18:32

I recalled your user name

Sure enough... search history reveals you are prolific in starting AIBU threadS

And most about your SIL, your MIL or your own sister.

OP, chill the hell out and stop holding grudges!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 06/10/2020 18:32

Its HER money ffs - she can do whatever she likes with it.

Oneandzero · 06/10/2020 18:33

@Cheeeeislifenow

Op she is not your mother. Would you even have accepted it if she offered it? I don't really see why mil should be giving anyone money TBH but it's her cash.the comment to me sounds like a general, yes it's shit for everyone, we all have to tighten our belts comment.
You take issue with a mother giving her daughter a bit of money?!
justasking111 · 06/10/2020 18:33

I do hate it when offsprings families feel they are treated unequally. We bend over backwards to make sure if family A get X then family B get X, maybe not at the same time but when it is needed. We are not lending to an individual but a family in our minds, helping out the grown ups and indirectly the grand children. Your MIL may not have realised until today that you were struggling too @MrsWarleggan

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/10/2020 18:33

The difference is that she’s her daughter and you’re not. It’s as simple as that. If you need extra money then get your DH to ask for it - it’s very possible he already has which might be why she’s unsympathetic.

justasking111 · 06/10/2020 18:35

@GrumpyHoonMain

The difference is that she’s her daughter and you’re not. It’s as simple as that. If you need extra money then get your DH to ask for it - it’s very possible he already has which might be why she’s unsympathetic.
It should not be different imo. that seems so odd and uncaring.
Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 06/10/2020 18:41

Double standards. Nasty of your MIL, I think.

Ghostlyfeet · 06/10/2020 18:45

Could it not be that having given her daughter £200 she hasn't got the spare cash to lend you some and the living within your means comment was a cover for that?

MsJinks · 06/10/2020 18:50

To be honest sounds like there’s more going on than a basic - here have £200 if you’re short - MIL seems a bit put out but not with you particularly, so who knows what went on with that loan. I’ve loaned for nights out unknowingly - and though wrong, if it’s very recent it can come over as being cross with one sibling, though it’s another’s actions Your SIL, however, is at least incredibly tactless, at worst deliberately making you upset.

Everywherethatmarywent · 06/10/2020 18:55

Doesn’t matter if she is her mother or not - OP didn’t ask to borrow any money.

I’ve been through this with sibling. If I needed money I asked and it was given, sibling would hint because they were too proud and not be given money.

OP if you need to borrow money ask.

FizzyGreenWater · 06/10/2020 18:55

hmmmmmm

You just have to step back.

For all you know, SIL put the guilt trip big time on MIL who gave her the cash with gritted teeth.

For all you know, SIL taking £200 off MIL will have left her short and she was sitting there embarrassed that she now was n't in a position to offer you any help (people often get a bit prickly when in this position, hence the 'live within your means')

Or possibly SIL is golden child!

Either way, make a mental note to be aware that there are wheels within wheels. And never to let your guard down too much. And NEVER, EVER to be the one who is quick to jump in and offer help/give of yourself. Hang back, and let SIL do it...

That way, you won't end up kicking yourself.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/10/2020 18:58

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. It can't be easy. And you deserved better when you were feeling down, than a quick quip comment like that.
Its the inequality that stings I think, not that you were expecting money. It sounds like you are working really hard to make up the shortfall. Maybe let your DH know how you feel and maybe suggest he could help a bit on those days by cooking dinner or something similar. (not saying he doesn't but if you are feeling down about this don't keep it to yourself it sounds like you need a nice hug }
Easier said than done but move on from this and don't give either of these two the opportunity to annoy you like this again. Flowers

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 06/10/2020 18:59

@Oneandzero

Is there a limit to how many threads you can start?? From what I can see my last one was at the end of August....hardly prolific is it? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Friendsoftheearth · 06/10/2020 19:00

Your MIL can spend her money whoever she sees fit, and really you are massively overstepping the mark by even having an opinion on it to be honest. It is their business, and nothing to do with you. If you need more money ask your own parents!

SIL and MIL may have an arrangement that spans decades. Maybe she pays back the money with household jobs or other ways. It really is nothing to do with you.

If your dh has a problem with unfairness - or also wants to borrow money, then the onus is on him to discuss it with his mother.

You are overly invested in them and it is coming across as immature and childish.

Friendsoftheearth · 06/10/2020 19:00

**however

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/10/2020 19:02

@Oneandzero are you OP's MIL Grin

Oneandzero · 06/10/2020 19:03

But OP you rather conveniently omit to mention what all those threads are about....

Almost all about unreasonable sister, SILs and MILs!

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 06/10/2020 19:04

@justasking111

I don't care that she gave her the money. SIL has had ££££'s from her mum and dad over the years... Doesn't bother us in the slightest. Its their money, they worked bloody hard for it, they can do what they want with it. The inequality here is that we get told to live within our means yet SIL is gifted money for a night out.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 06/10/2020 19:06

I can see why you're pissed off - but seriously I'd never tell my parents or my ILs our business about money, who earns what, who does what overtime etc etc. Never in a million years because that would go straight round (and probably end up a warped version of things)!

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 06/10/2020 19:06

@Oneandzero the last one was about a dog. Not family. The previous are also nothing to do with money. They were about covid and being told some terrible news. Therefore are irrelevant to this post... Why would I need to mention them??

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 06/10/2020 19:07

It clearly is bothering you. 🤣

You said DH wouldn’t take money if it was offered so there you go. She’s not your mother, it’s nothing to do with you.

If DH wanted to ask for £200 he could and there’s no reason to think he wouldn’t get it.

Agree with PP that you seem to have a lot of issues with this MIL and SIL that you profess to get on so well with...

cptartapp · 06/10/2020 19:08

YANBU and you're on a hiding to nothing if SIL is favoured.
My SIL got £10k towards her first house and all her wedding paid for. DH got nothing.
The financial favouritism then secretly extended to GC over the years ( my nephews gave the game away many a time).
It's hurtful. Just store away the info, say nothing and when she needs help make sure you're not first in line.

Devlesko · 06/10/2020 19:10

I take it she's her mum? If so get your dh to ask his mum for a handout.

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