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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU MIL comment - SIL revelation?

91 replies

MrsWarleggan · 06/10/2020 16:47

My MIL popped up today. We were having a cuppa and a general chit chat about life, work, money etc and I mentioned that I was absolutely knackered what with having to work an extra 8 hours on a Sunday to make up for DHs overtime being wiped out at work due to Covid. On top of 25hrs anyway, baby at home etc. Pre covid he came home with an extra £600 a month by putting the hours in, which really helped us out but last 4 months - nothing. I said to her that it was stressing me out and that we were robbing Peter to pay Paul. Her response was, "Well it is what it is, you just have to live within you means". I agreed you do, but at the moment it just feels like we are existing, not living (I didn't say that out loud).

Anyhoo, SIL called after MIL left. Again, more chatting about life in general and she said "Yeah you must really be feeling it without the overtime" I agreed and she turned round and said "Yeah it's really tough at the moment, if mum hadn't of given me £200 last week I don't know what I would have done. I almost couldn't go out on Saturday!

Ermm....?? So I'm sitting near on tears saying I didn't know if I could put petrol in my car next week to go to work and get told to get a grip its life... Yet SIL moans about not being able to go out on the piss and she gets bunged £200??

For the record I don't/didn't expect a hand out, but I'm miffed, is that unreasonable??

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 06/10/2020 17:35

I can understand why you feel miffed. You’re working hard to earn money and makeup the shortfall, and your sil casually mentions she was given £200, which she spent on a jolly.

Maybe the ‘living within your means’ comment was said in response to mil finding out that sil had gone out with the money she’d donated, rather than being aimed at you, per se.

As an aside, could mil possibly even thinking that you were hinting for the same money?

I thought sil was very tactless to mention the money.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 06/10/2020 17:37

She probably outright asked to borrow/have the money OP.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 06/10/2020 17:40

@standrewsschool

No to the hinting. If she was thinking that I would be extremely disappointed and extremely embarrassed. I'm very close to MIL, and can talk to her about anything.

OP posts:
ekidmxcl · 06/10/2020 17:41

Well say to her not to exchange Christmas presents this year as you need to live within your means.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 06/10/2020 17:44

@BigBadVoodooHat

To be fair if they are short through extravagance/spending on shit it's BILs fault. He is absolutely clueless when it comes to money.

OP posts:
peboh · 06/10/2020 17:46

I'm sorry but yabu.
That's her daughter, and for all you know she asked her mum if she could lend her any money. I'd lend my daughter money in an instant if she asked, If I had a son and he also asked I would lend it. However I wouldn't just offer, because often times people get offended and feel too much pride to be okay with that.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 06/10/2020 17:51

@peboh

I can assure you that my MIL will never ever see that money again!!

OP posts:
ChickensMightFly · 06/10/2020 17:51

I hate double standards. If the goal posts of your standards move depending who you are talking to that's poop. Yes the sil might have stuck her hand out while your dh didn't but she chose to fill it in contradiction to the values she was espousing to you. It would make me think less of her as a person.

Biscusting · 06/10/2020 18:01

May your DH got £200 from MIL too and he’s keeping it quiet 🤫 Wink

MaeveDidIt · 06/10/2020 18:01

I can see why you're miffed, but don't ever discuss/moan about finances with your MIL. It can really back-fire in So many ways. It's none of her beeswax. If she touches on the subject, much better to be vague.

My SIL and BIL were given £10K to pay tax bill and had the cheek to bugger off to America a few week's later. Handouts can cause a lot of upset and resentment in families - exactly how you are feeling now.

My advice would always be to keep out of it and do not get involved. You will be the jealous one/the one in the wrong.

WorraLiberty · 06/10/2020 18:03

To be honest, all the way through your OP I was thinking that the whole conversation seemed like you were heavily hinting to your MIL.

Perhaps if her son had asked her for money, she might have lent/given him some just as she did for her daughter.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 06/10/2020 18:04

@Biscusting

I highly doubt it. He's too proud, and certainly wouldn't accept if it was offered.

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 06/10/2020 18:06

I'd be miffed. Actually I don't think that's the right word. I'd be hurt. Not cross, because that implies I feel like I can dictate what she does with her money. But hurt. I'd feel like we mattered less and she cared less was less bothered about us being ok, if that makes sense.

I'm going to win euromillions tonight, so when I do I'll bung you £200 to wave in your SIL's face if you like.

jessstan1 · 06/10/2020 18:06

@littlebirdieblue

Honestly I can see why you'd be a little put out, but it's really none of your business what your MIL does with her money.
I think that but sister in law should have kept it private.
blueberrypie0112 · 06/10/2020 18:07

[quote MrsWarleggan]@Biscusting

I highly doubt it. He's too proud, and certainly wouldn't accept if it was offered.[/quote]
In that case, don’t discuss finance with her . A highly proud person who doesn’t accept charity also does not want his mother know his business either.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 06/10/2020 18:11

@WorraLiberty

I can assure you no hinting. We were talking for about an hour about covid, FIL as he hasn't been well and the last topic was "Hows work going?" I just said it was hard going with making up the overtime that DH normally brings in, and that things are tight and that the extra hours were taking its toll on me and I welled up a bit. That's when I got the "Well, you just have to live to your means" and I said "Yup, everyone is a bit screwed at the moment what with covid" that was the total conversation on work. 5 minutes max. No hinting.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 06/10/2020 18:13

Sorry... "Everyone's screwed at the moment with covid and it feels like robbing Peter to pay Paul...." Apologies.

OP posts:
averythinline · 06/10/2020 18:15

Honestly you think your relationship is good and you can talk about anything...now you know thats not true ....
Possibly she misread and thought you were hinting- like you say a misjudge as you never do...

I wouldn't like the gossiping between sil and her either.....a step back and less sharing in the future is probably tge answer

I think its annoying too and happened in my family as well...although lead to massive falling out so was glad nothing to do with me.....i got a smallish loan£1k once and paid it back early with interest and it still gets mentioned...sibling had at least 20k and when asked to pay back some massive row....but hey ho he has the million + house and a wife who works v part time .....i have very little to do with any of them

Nomorepies · 06/10/2020 18:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 06/10/2020 18:15

@unmarkedbythat 🤣

I think you will find I am, but will quite happily bung you £200 for thinking of me!! 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Purpledaisychain · 06/10/2020 18:15

I understand what you mean OP, and someone preaching about how I needed to live within my means and then giving someone else £200 for an unnecessary night out would have pissed me off as well. YANBU.

napody · 06/10/2020 18:18

@AlternativePerspective

Maybe it’s because of her having lent money to SIL that she’s now having that conversation with you.

Look at it from her perspective. On Saturday she lens her daughter £200, no idea how that came about or what brought it on, but somehow it will have been made known to her that her daughter is short.

Then only two days later her son’s wife is complaining about the amount of money she hasn’t got. If I were MIL I’d be wondering whether you’d spoken to SIL and thought you’d chance your luck by talking about your financial situation... Even though you haven’t.

Maybe she’s frustrated with the fact that both her children are complaining about how hard-up they suddenly are....

Oh good thinking. Maybe she thought you were angling for a handout. Would explain the (in my opinion) harsh comment. Clearly you are working very hard to keep afloat in a difficult situation.
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 06/10/2020 18:20

I just said it was hard going with making up the overtime that DH normally brings in, and that things are tight and that the extra hours were taking its toll on me and I welled up a bit.

You were almost in tears and all MIL can say is you have to live within your means? Thanks a bunch.

I’m sending you a hug. Hope things look up for you soon. Flowers

anuffername · 06/10/2020 18:21

@blueberrypie0112

If she give money to her daughter, there’s no doubt she gave money to her son. husbands don’t always let their wives know about it.
Utter bollocks.
Floralnomad · 06/10/2020 18:27

I think this may all have been taken a bit out of context , you weren’t asking for money you were having a conversation and your MIL was basically agreeing that times are tough and you need to live within your means ( correctly so) . Did you actually ask for money and get told no ? Is the money to your SIL a gift or has it to be paid back ?