AIBU to be sick of being my Son's PA

[charliebear78]

My Son is 13 and has ADHD.
He is struggling a bit so far at School with getting into trouble for silly behaviour and forgetting Homework.
I try to do what I can to help him.
The School uses an app called Show My Homework which I log into to check.
I go through it and write a list of due Homework and stick it on the fridge so he can check it.
He never does!!
I have to constantly remind him and then he gets in a bad mood.
It is the attitude I am struggling most with-There is no thanks just sullen moods.
He can check the app on his phone but keeps saying nothing is showing so he therefore does not have any HW, hence why I now do it myself.
Occasionally he needs help-but this is met with no thanks either and usually results in a row because he gets mad shouting no one is helping him!!
He wanders about the house leaving lights on and doors open- we make him go back and turn the lights off and shut doors- all met with a tut and a eye roll.
He drives me mad.
I love him but really dislike him at times.
How do other parents manage?

I am afraid this is all normal for 13, even without additional needs. No teenager is capable of turning off a light until they have to pay an electricity bill

Have you considered not reminding him about homework, and letting him face the consequences? Depends on his level of function, but you might be doing him a favour. He needs to see reminders and other systems as his friend - they help support his learning needs and take some of the pressures of ADHD away, But he probably won't get that until he feels he owns the reminder systems. At the moment, they are your systems that he is rebelling against.

I would be inclined to say, 'OK, you don't like my system, so what is yours going to be?' and leave him to it for a few weeks.

Sounds like a typical 13 year old to me. I would be saying he is old enough to manage his homework and he needs to come and ask for help when he needs it. He needs to have clear out lined consequences if doesn't do his homework.

(I’m not sure I understand how your title relates to your post? PA= personal assistant, no?)

Put very simply, you need to give more input. What you’re doing currently doesn’t work because it doesn’t meet your DC’s needs, just providing him a list of verbal reminder isn’t enough.

You need to ignore his attitude (he’s a kid, whilst it’s unpleasant, it’s not exactly uncommon) and physically watch him through every step involved in his homework, from checking what he’s to do, watching whilst he does it, watching whilst it’s sent in/put in bag etc then double checking each step for every single piece of homework.

It will be exhausting but you have a child who has SEN, this is the minimum level of support you need to provide for him to just meet the basic requirements of his school life.

It's definitely frustrating but it's probably also frustrating for DS. The difficulty with ADHD is that sometimes the kids need so many reminders to do basic stuff that a large proportion of your interactions can end up being negative. It's important that DS gets positive encouragement too. It's more difficult with a teenager who will feel patronised by transparanet attempts to praise him. Does he respond well to bribery?

You've got to separate out what is his ADHD, teenage hormones or behaviour that can't continue.

He has to do homework, that's non negotiable. Come down hard on that, supportively.

Work on ignoring the eyerolls/tutting. Allow some teenage pushing of boundaries, that's how they develop.

This is why schools HAVE these apps, isn’t it? So that parents can stalk their children

@Limona

This is why schools HAVE these apps, isn’t it? So that parents can stalk their children

They certainly cost less than a helicopter

Thank you.
I guess what I'm really asking is would it be unreasonable to leave him to it? Trouble is it is resulting in after school detentions and this puts us out too by needing to finish work in time to pick him up!
I dont drive so it falls on his dad who does have a very flexible job but also works away too!
(It is probably a 20min walk home but this isnt something I want him to have to do)
I know the attitude and the lack of ability to shut doors etc is normal but it just all comes together into one big annoying mess!
Maybe I do need to do a bit more for him?
He sits in a separate room to the rest of the family and doesn't interact at all unless forced too..its hard and feels quite sad at the moment.

Remember it's not easy to be the person who can't manage simple tasks like keeping on track of your timetable. A 13yo who has begun to realise that there is something about him that sets him apart from other people is likely to be frightened and resentful. I think a cheerful routine of helping him to look at the timetable every morning would actually be far less hard work than getting angry with him, then punishing him, then dealing with his resentment.

I had two children with different SN and tbh the more you help them get into routines without frustration the easier it gets. Also helps if you can seem matter-of-fact enough about it for him (eventually! he is a teen boy!) be able to speak openly about it.

Why don't you want him to do a 20min walk? It's not far, and would be part of the consequences of getting a detention, surely?

You have the options of

• leave him too it and let him miss homework (will school care?)
• if he is really struggling with organisation maybe sit and ask him if he'd like help and what form this should take? Copying out what's already in an app seems a bit pointless. Maybe you need to just have regular catchups where you both look at what homework he's got in the app, and he agrees which bits he's doing on what day. And hopefully you eventually reduce the checks till he's doing it himself.

@charliebear78

Thank you. I guess what I'm really asking is would it be unreasonable to leave him to it? Trouble is it is resulting in after school detentions and this puts us out too by needing to finish work in time to pick him up! I dont drive so it falls on his dad who does have a very flexible job but also works away too! (It is probably a 20min walk home but this isnt something I want him to have to do) I know the attitude and the lack of ability to shut doors etc is normal but it just all comes together into one big annoying mess! Maybe I do need to do a bit more for him? He sits in a separate room to the rest of the family and doesn't interact at all unless forced too..its hard and feels quite sad at the moment.

He's 13 why can't he walk for 20 mins to get home? Sounds like you're overprotective and its starting to bite you. Let him get detention and let him have to walk home.

@SoddingWeddings

Why don't you want him to do a 20min walk? It's not far, and would be part of the consequences of getting a detention, surely?

Maybe it's down a busy road with no pavement, or maybe his ADHD makes him too distractible to cross safely?

I may be out of date, but I didn't think schools were allowed to insist on detentions outside normal school hours?

20 min walk sounds reasonable to me.

Choose your battles.

Consider a different approach. You seem to do a lot for him (checking the HW app, telling him what's on it but leaving him to get on it with it). Maybe doing it with him would be better - guide him to help himself so can draw back over time.

• you can draw back...

Yes what is a PA?

Personal Assistant. Seriously, you didn’t know that?

We are in the country so it's small country lanes with no pavements..and walking 20mins in the rain when he refuses to take a coat to school just seems a bit wrong to me! But then again I know I am a bit too soft at times.
Will try to set out a better way of doing the homework..will put a list in his room and check with him on the app.
Some of the dententions are for silly or disruptive behaviour so in that case maybe making him walk home will make him consider the consequences of his actions..though I wonder if the ADHD prevents that anyway.
He used to do most of his dententions during lunch,but because of covid(isn't everything?) They can't do that anymore so it is all after school.

When I said personal assistant it was meant as a joke!

Limona Yes obviously, but that wouldn't work within the context of the post. Clearly the OP is not sick of her son's (nonexistent) Personal Assistant.

Of course it works. AIBU to be sick of being my sons personal assistant. How does that not work?

You would be hugely unreasonable to leave him to it. You’re not a PA you are a parent you need to help him manage things. Yes there may be an element of teenage behaviour in there but he has ADHD he needs your support.
If your current strategies are not working you need to build in new ones. I have a teen with ASD so do know what it is like to have to help them manage their time and school work. My DS’s brain is frazzled by the end of a school day so he needs a balance of down time and structured support to do homework.
Pick your battles with things like leaving lights on he’s not doing it to piss you off so cut him some slack.

You need to advocate for him at school to if his behaviour is disruptive due to his adhd then a detention isn’t going to solve anything.

Poor bloody kid is going to grow up into an adult with self esteem at this rate. He must feel got at from every direction

No self esteem that should say

Oh God Show My Homework. Show my fucking homework. That is bringing back some awful memories
I too had a DC using SMW and with SN (a different one but the same problem of having to micro manage constantly).

Hopefully it will give you some hope to know that my DC got a lot better around 15ish - and I think a lot of it was gaining the maturity to know they had to put the effort in as exams were coming closer so they need to put effort in to do what they wanted to do when they finished school. Plus they realised their mum constantly on their case was a. Annoying as fuck and b. Made them look immature.

So a lot of it was just age and gaining maturity. But in the meantime we worked at it (with the school who had dealt with it a lot!) What is your relationship with the school as ideally they would work together with you to address this (I don't mean them parenting for you but supporting you to parent him to get this better) Does he have any additional support like a LSA/TA? Or an EHCP?

In my case, my DC couldn't have after school detentions due to their SN which didn't help. We tried to find something that was either a good deterrent (loss of pocket money, loss of gaming time etc) but it ended up in more stress and got into a negative cycle and didn't work so well.

So we tried a good incentive and that worked much better. The incentive of course will be different with DC - we gave a later bedtime if they had spent time that evening working - we put extra money on the online school thing to buy treats as well as meals as they would be hungry from all the work These sorts of things. Also, school got them involved with coaching younger DC in the sport they really enjoyed and I think this helped them grow up and be a better role model.

I tried to remember that their SN also made it harder for them and that should be recognised as well. It's so easy to get into a negative cycle with what they don't do.

I really remember the have you done have you done have you done stage but hopefully it will comfort you to know it should get better as he gets older and all the work you put in will pay off. Definitely worth working with the school if possible.