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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be sick of being my Son's PA

71 replies

charliebear78 · 06/10/2020 08:44

My Son is 13 and has ADHD.
He is struggling a bit so far at School with getting into trouble for silly behaviour and forgetting Homework.
I try to do what I can to help him.
The School uses an app called Show My Homework which I log into to check.
I go through it and write a list of due Homework and stick it on the fridge so he can check it.
He never does!!
I have to constantly remind him and then he gets in a bad mood.
It is the attitude I am struggling most with-There is no thanks just sullen moods.
He can check the app on his phone but keeps saying nothing is showing so he therefore does not have any HW, hence why I now do it myself.
Occasionally he needs help-but this is met with no thanks either and usually results in a row because he gets mad shouting no one is helping him!!
He wanders about the house leaving lights on and doors open- we make him go back and turn the lights off and shut doors- all met with a tut and a eye roll.
He drives me mad.
I love him but really dislike him at times.
How do other parents manage?

OP posts:
Friendsoftheearth · 06/10/2020 11:58

OP why is he sitting in a room on his own? Is he choosing to stay away or are you asking him to?

gabsdot45 · 06/10/2020 11:59

I have to sit with my 13 year old DD and help her do her homework. I hate it

MintyMabel · 06/10/2020 12:01

I am afraid this is all normal for 13, even without additional needs.

Urgh. Why must people do this?

No, your 13 year old not doing homework or turning a light off is not “just like” parenting a child with additional needs.

It is a constant battle between trying to work out whether the additional needs are the issue or whether it is the age that is an issue. And if you push a child with additional needs in the same way as any other child without them, you risk doing more harm than good.

It is the realisation that if your child doesn’t learn how to manage the issues in a way that their additional needs can cope with, their adulthood will be far more difficult. A child with ADHD who is disorganised because of it will never learn how to be as an adult, whereas a child who forgets to switch off a light switch will get there in the end.

It is having to deal with all this on top of all the other stuff you have to deal with, raising a child with additional needs.

So, no. Not. The. Same.

OP, are you getting any external support for managing his ADHD?

AutumnSummersBuffysCousin · 06/10/2020 12:02

No advice OP but just to say I am the same with my 15yo who doesn’t have any additional needs.He also doesn’t want to interact and I feel sad, he is also angry and tutting when asked to do anything that he doesn’t want. It’s a huge annoying pain in the ass.

Friendsoftheearth · 06/10/2020 12:06

I am reading this thread with interest because have precisely the same probably - same age.

To say I understand where you are coming from is an understatement. I am exhausted from chasing every last forgotten thing, nagging her to wash, to brush her hair, close cupboards, draws, do homework. I can't tell you how many hours it can take to do one piece of homework. I am so drained and so tired, some days I wonder if I can keep doing it. Her ADHD means she can not sit for very long before she has to get up, move, run around and so it all takes an age.

We started paying her to complete work in the lockdown because the rows were unbearable, and that worked, positive reward systems can work.

I have lists of reminders in her room, and in the bathroom, I try to cut down the amount of times I say the same thing. I change the way I say it, my tone and language etc because I sound like a broken record!!!

I cheerfully continue to support her in every way I can, I do recognise that this is not her fault, she has not chosen to be a whirlwind, and every time she remembers something or sits down and works independently I make a huge fuss of praising her, and acknowledge even the smallest step of progress. Otherwise their confidence and self esteem will go up in smoke, and that to me needs to stay intact whatever happens.

Friendsoftheearth · 06/10/2020 12:07

**problem not probably!

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 06/10/2020 12:08

@MintyMabel

I am afraid this is all normal for 13, even without additional needs.

Urgh. Why must people do this?

No, your 13 year old not doing homework or turning a light off is not “just like” parenting a child with additional needs.

It is a constant battle between trying to work out whether the additional needs are the issue or whether it is the age that is an issue. And if you push a child with additional needs in the same way as any other child without them, you risk doing more harm than good.

It is the realisation that if your child doesn’t learn how to manage the issues in a way that their additional needs can cope with, their adulthood will be far more difficult. A child with ADHD who is disorganised because of it will never learn how to be as an adult, whereas a child who forgets to switch off a light switch will get there in the end.

It is having to deal with all this on top of all the other stuff you have to deal with, raising a child with additional needs.

So, no. Not. The. Same.

OP, are you getting any external support for managing his ADHD?

I have a child (now an adult) with a physical disability and learning needs that sound more disabling than the OP's DS.

Having additional needs does not mean that a child is developmentally atypical in every way.

And I'm not just saying 'He'll grow out of it', I'm saying that the OP can support him to develop his own strategies for managing his additional needs.

averythinline · 06/10/2020 12:08

Its hard teenager stage and SEN..

What I do with my son...and it has been a painful journey to get here is...

After school snack/chill not gaming when I finish work

Homework time we sit beside each other at the table and check whats been set that day. He does 1 bit... i very rarely help him do it...but if he asks may help him structure.
Drink/snack if necessary
Next bit of homework

Pack bag for next day..

Times his own til dinner unless activies on

Homework is non negotiable and it will hurt him and with SEN don't Want him anymore behind...

It took a while and was hard to set up but now yr11 he's doing most remembering himself ...but I have still be around to keep him on track... its a feature of adhd to be distracted....my ds has poor processing but reasonable iq...

If not does school have homework club? That can work...

BlueJava · 06/10/2020 12:10

Mum of late teens here, so we went through this fairly recently. I sat down and had a talk with them and gave them fair warning that they would now be responsible for tracking and doing their homework on time. If not and they got detention there would be no lifts home. It saved a helluva lot of stress and cajoling to do it and arguments. I'd suggest you do the same. But - you must follow through on the punishment (detention and walking home) you can't let him off that. Why can't he walk home alone for 20 mins?

Friendsoftheearth · 06/10/2020 12:14

blue I think it is totally different setting out what you expect of teens per se, and then having a teen with ADHD - it would not be fair at all to do this to a child with ADHD. Punishing a child who is already finding it hard to manage and cope with themselves is cruel. I would not dream of punishing my dd and making her walk home because she could not organise herself. It is very important to support dc with ADHD particularly in a secondary school setting which can sometimes already be very overwhelming for them as it is.

charliebear78 · 06/10/2020 12:16

Thank you everyone it is very helpful and reassuring to know I am not alone with this.
School isn't very helpful I find.
We had a lovely lady who helped us get the diagnosis and helped us talk to school but that as all gone now and I do feel very confused with it all at times!
I had lists up in his room and the bathroom but he ripped them down!

OP posts:
SATSmadness · 06/10/2020 12:20

I'd say that the 'forgetting' homework was normal-ish behaviour for many 13/14 year old boys.

I'm 'helping' at the moment too and wondering if I'm enabling the behaviour.

BlusteryShowers · 06/10/2020 12:27

I think you might need to leave him to get detention and get himself home. I get your reluctance but at the moment there are no consequences for his behaviour- you take them all. If he gets detention, so what? He gets driven home in a nice warm car.

I wonder if you step back and show him you're serious and you're not picking him up from detention any more that he might take steps to avoid it by doing homework. Or you could book him a taxi but he needs to pay for it out of any pocket money he receives?

You can still prompt him and give help but if he refuses, just leave him to it.

LUZON · 06/10/2020 12:29

I haven’t any kids with SEN but I did have one who was extremely forgetful. I left him to it. I decided it was in both our interest to have a positive relationship where we both liked Each other rather than me having to nag him. I also didn’t bother with lights and door type of things. I did insist on chores though. I did the same with my other kids.
It worked well for us. They are all did well at school and have good jobs etc. I was far more effective and far more influential being a parent that they liked and respected than a nagging mum. I didn’t allow bad behaviour. I was not pretending to be their friend. My kids still say they liked the fact that I let them make their own decisions.
I don’t pretend to know how this translates to kids with SEN.

justasking111 · 06/10/2020 12:30

Right went through this with my own eldest. The middle one was so much easier. Then came the youngest. What worked for us. Well a set time for homework. X box headset and controller removed, phone put on the mantelpiece. Twice everything was taken away Monday to Friday, sulks, stomps, shouting.

He can sit at the kitchen table to do homework while you buzz around him, interact with the homework, I used to say find you tube tutorials, try bite size, etc.

If he sits alone in his bedroom still, tell him the door is coming off and mean it.

It is tough you need OH to back you up.

Above all stay calm when you state that the x box, phone, door are going, treat him as you would an employee. Remove yourself from the parent child relationship and treat him as a junior at work. Do not engage in the tantrum, walk away.

PinkyU · 06/10/2020 12:32

OP please, please, please ignore any advice on this post that does not take into account your child having an SEN. They literally have no clue.

Any management strategies that you use will have to be carefully planned, intensively and consistently carried out and be adhd specific.

I’d advise you to contact adhd specific charities. In order for your child to be happy and successful you need to be knowledgeable and able to advocate for him.

MECmad · 06/10/2020 12:35

I have a 14 year old and a 12 year old with ADHD. What you have described is the typical reaction of the 14 year old! I left him to it, he got a few detentions and now homework is done before I have to nag.

12 year old with ADHD has always been good with school & loves learning although this year we are seeing a bit more reluctance to do homework. He is exceptionally forgetful at times and while this is part of his condition, he needs to learn how to cope with this as life goes on - forgetting to do your homework is one thing, forgetting to do an important report for work is different.

As hard as it may be, you need to step back a bit and let him realise the consequences that happen when he doesn't do things. Routine is really important with ADHD kids so I would try setting a time when the app is checked (maybe after tea every night?). Once it becomes a routine he may check on autopilot (our specialist once described it as retraining the brain - DS used to not think before crossing a road so we stopped at EVERY curb. He still does it now but can't remember why!).

DS is an introvert and finds being around people quite overwhelming for want of a better word. He goes to his room for 30 minutes - 2 hours after school to be on his own before he is ready to engage with the family so choosing the right time is important if you want the right reaction. We found checking after tea allowed him time to wind down from school but wasn't pulling him away form something he was doing such as playing on his computer.

As much as we want to protect our kids, especially those with additional needs, we also have a duty to make sure that they are able to stand on their own 2 feet as adults. I would try picking the right time & setting a routine for this but if he won't engage, he needs to find out that there are consequences.

Murmurur · 06/10/2020 12:36

I think at 13 you need to get his buy in if at all possible. All the energy you're spending writing out his homework isn't helping, so sit him down and brainstorm what is going to change. You're happy to support it want it to be a more productive help and not just grounds for fighting. Get him to think through and choose some solutions.

For example, he could have a schedule of him checking his phone for SMHW, bringing any questions you you and writing emails to teachers or texting friends if he needs further info. Maybe sitting down together to do this "planning time" before homework could work. Get him to decide a way to remind himself, Eg a reminder on his phone. A Fitbit type thing that silently buzzes on his wrist is good for as hoc reminders through the day too. It sounds like he is feeling overwhelmed by the organisation needed and is kicking out in defence. Maybe he is rejecting SMHW because he can't work it properly or teachers have sometimes been a bit late to add tasks. Try to get to the bottom of it and see if there are any other ways round it, Eg trying on a PC instead of phone, making a note to check back in 24h and/or email teacher etc.

Scheduling in a day or two off homework can help.

Also do talk to his tutor or SEND dept about whether he could have some study skills mentoring or help with his organisation.

omega3 · 06/10/2020 12:43

Would a lunchtime detention be possible?

sashh · 06/10/2020 13:03

Let him walk home or wait at school until his dad has finished. I know the weather is going to get worse and I know what 20mins walking in snow is like (I did have a coat but my school would not allow trousers even to walk to or from school).

Can you set him a time for homework, so at say 6-7.30 is homework time, if he doesn't have homework then he can revise, or read but no electronic devices and a treat when homework is complete - is he too old for stickers?

Something that might help with the homework is a notebook for him, you and his form tutor or senco. If he doesn't understand something then he writes what he doesn't understand (Actually with ADHD it might be better as a voice memo) he needs to write down what he doesn't understand. If you can help him do, but write what you have done and how it went. The form tutor or Senco should ideally go though this with him daily, (but realistically it might be once in a blue moon) to create a plan to complete the homework, it could be an email to a tutor, looking online whatever.

It takes away the , "I don't understand this, you are not helping me" spiral, it gives a pause and an end point for the evening and hopefully a less stressed child and parents.

LIZS · 06/10/2020 13:08

Is the misbehaviour a diversion to cover difficulties he has following class work , let alone homework. What support is in place to keep him focussed and progressing at school? Is the homework in manageable timescales and quantity if planned out over the week or does he leave it to accumulate at last minute? What learning support does he access to assist with this and devise coping strategies?

petingo · 06/10/2020 13:08

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leafylife · 06/10/2020 13:12

One of my dcs and I have adhd. As some pps have said, I think you need to separate the moodiness from the adhd. Being a teenager can sometimes mean grumpy, rude responses to parents. You can deal with that as you would any other dc.

Regarding adhd, yes I think there's a lot of micromanaging involved. But it also needs to be about helping your ds work out how to get organised, not just doing it for him. It is hard - I would much rather have a mum to sort out my life than do it myself!

I've gradually had to find what works for me, e.g. I can write long to-do lists, but then I'll lose them or forget to look in my diary. I like to set lots of reminders to buzz on my phone, and I write out big lists in coloured pen in a big pad on the kitchen worktop, so that I can always find it. It's good to simplify how things are organised as much as possible - decluttering and sorting school work by topic, subject, etc, storing things where they can easily be found or put away. It's a work in progress trying to find the best ways to organise, and it's different for each person.

I also find that it helps to have a short routine of things to do before leaving the house (switch off lights, close doors and windows, find keys, put on coat, lock door, etc). Those kind of physical routines are worth repeating over and over and sticking a big note on the front door, because I think they become a muscle memory after a while rather than just a mass of words on yet another list!

Definitely speak to school about the detentions, as well as any specific things that might help, e.g. I found school was letting me know far too late if homework wasn't done, so I asked if teachers could send a brief email the same day.

Houseplanted · 06/10/2020 13:13

My DS (12) needs a high level support and it is draining at times.
Homework only gets done if I look it up and print out the relevant worksheets and then sit with DS to get it done. I pack his back otherwise he’ll miss something and blow up at school, it’s also easier for me to do as the thought of school stresses him out so bag packing isn’t a battle worth having. He needs to be micromanaged to get things done but I’m hoping at some point he’ll do more for himself.

DS has SEN and his school are supportive. We try to do homework but if he doesn’t he doesn’t have a detention.

Tablefor4 · 06/10/2020 13:14

@corythatwas

Remember it's not easy to be the person who can't manage simple tasks like keeping on track of your timetable. A 13yo who has begun to realise that there is something about him that sets him apart from other people is likely to be frightened and resentful. I think a cheerful routine of helping him to look at the timetable every morning would actually be far less hard work than getting angry with him, then punishing him, then dealing with his resentment.

I had two children with different SN and tbh the more you help them get into routines without frustration the easier it gets. Also helps if you can seem matter-of-fact enough about it for him (eventually! he is a teen boy!) be able to speak openly about it.

I'm quoting CoryThatWas because they raise a really valuable point about your son's point of view that got a bit lost. @OP