AIBU to be sick of being my Son's PA

[charliebear78]

My Son is 13 and has ADHD.
He is struggling a bit so far at School with getting into trouble for silly behaviour and forgetting Homework.
I try to do what I can to help him.
The School uses an app called Show My Homework which I log into to check.
I go through it and write a list of due Homework and stick it on the fridge so he can check it.
He never does!!
I have to constantly remind him and then he gets in a bad mood.
It is the attitude I am struggling most with-There is no thanks just sullen moods.
He can check the app on his phone but keeps saying nothing is showing so he therefore does not have any HW, hence why I now do it myself.
Occasionally he needs help-but this is met with no thanks either and usually results in a row because he gets mad shouting no one is helping him!!
He wanders about the house leaving lights on and doors open- we make him go back and turn the lights off and shut doors- all met with a tut and a eye roll.
He drives me mad.
I love him but really dislike him at times.
How do other parents manage?

My son is exactly the same, also not neurotypical. I would chat to the senco, ours is brilliant. Explain the issue with after school detention. Is the road safe to walk or do you just not want him getting wet? I wouldn’t have an issue with my 13yo walking for 20 mins and if he refuses to take a coat that’s his problem.

Is there no public bus?

I would see what senco suggests to support his independence. And ask their advice on whether to pull back.

@petingo

Threaten that you will have him taken into care

Are you nuts. Two ADHD children here, they do not need that kind of scare mongering.

If he's ripping lists down, I'd go with what the pp suggested about asking what type of system he wants to try. That sounds very frustrating for both of you.

I find my children with additional needs are also the ones who struggle the most give feedback and ideas, but discussing X is a problem, how do you want to solve it (or giving a list of options to solve it) has worked well. We tend to say we'll try it for a term/quarter and then discuss it again to at least give it a try.

For the last few years with my DS1, now 16, he's had a google doc table that his father, I, and DS1 can edit and use. It has each of the weekdays where we put in what he needs to do before free time. There is also a weekend project and a few other sections. When he comes home, I'll ask about homework and we'll either schedule that in or put in another learning project in important areas. So, if he doesn't have engineering homework, he does a chapter out of the book + drawing practice. I can add in a couple of things I think he might like to see in there. This has worked really well as it gives him enough structure and autonomy in organizing his time, it's organized in a way he likes, and I fall back to 'We put that X work for today, how's that going?'

With my younger kids, I have whiteboards - the big 60x40cm ones found in a lot of stationery shops - and we just add things that need to be done or talked about & I'll prop it up next to/in front of the TV or by the computer or wherever it's needed. That plus timers for dreaded chores and tasks, DD1 works much better when she can see an end in sight.

Mostly it's been trial and error to finding out what works for each and for us as a household.

I think you need to help him due to his ADHD, theres so much to keep track of at senior school, for a child with SEN it's a lot. If he keeps getting detentions for forgetting, he may get put off going to school then you have a new battle of your hands.

My son is the same age with dyspraxia, he needs a lot of support from home and school with organisation.

I get your frustration though, it's all very time consuming as a parent and you get little thanks from a hormonal teenager.

Re the comments about needing to learn the consequences of behaviour, I think the adhd brain just feels too cluttered and over-busy to make those connections that might seem obvious to others, so it's not punishments like detention or walking home in the rain that will help. I think the best you can do is simplify life as much as possible and, like MECmad says, getting things onto autopilot by creating simple routines.

I'm a Mum to an ADHD child that has just started secondary school. Keeping organised and on top of homework, bag packing, and all of the other challenges is tough, even for kids that do not have executive functioning difficulties. If your child has ADHD or any other co-morbid conditions then these kind of organisational tasks are super-difficult so you have to expect that you will need to support him. There is absolutely zero point in punishing a child when they are trying their best despite their difficulties.

For us, routine is key. My DS comes home from school, we have a snack and a little bit of decompression time and then we do homework. Even if there's no homework actually due we use the time to look at what he's doing and and do some quick revision. My DS can't concentrate for long periods so it's essential that we keep on top of things so that we don't get into a situation where he has lots to do in one go - little and often is the best way for us. My DS also finds it very hard if he's told to just 'get on with his homework' and will get overwhelmed, so I break his homework into bitesized manageable chunks for him, one task at a time. I also don't make him sit down to do his homework - he's had enough sitting down during the day so will often complete work standing up. Whatever works! After homework is done, we always pack his bag for the next day. At the moment, I pack it and I ask him to check it so that he sees what I'm doing, know's that it's a task that he is involved in and has to take an element of responsibility for. The plan is that these roles will reverse next term, and he will pack it himself. I always make a point of praising him when he's done his homework and packed his bag because I want to keep things positive.

Finally, speak to the SEN team at the school and CAMHS about strategies and support that you can access. You are not alone and there are lots of people and resources out there that can help you.

Tbh detentions aren’t really a natural consequence either, are they?

I don’t think kids tend to sit in them and ponder the error of their ways. They just feel resentful and pissed off.

@petingo

Threaten that you will have him taken into care

Fuck me there is always one isn't there

My dd has executive function issues. I have to work with her every day to stay on top of her school work. She needs help remembering every task and she needs guidance on how to break up bigger projects into manageable chunks.

Some days it gets frustrating, but I remind myself this is parenting. Meeting the kid where they are. In many other facets of life she is an easy kid to parent. This just happens to be one she needs extra help. Every kid has something they need extra help with, this just happens to be one that requires daily intervention.

Oh and we made an agreement with the school that she can’t be punished or penalized for things obviously related to her particular condition. It’s not ok to punish a kid for having adhd. He needs scaffolding and support to help him work past this issue.

petingo: Threaten that you will have him taken into care

Bloody hell.

Why don't we go the whole hog and bring back corporal punishment?

@petingo If that was meant to a joke, speaking as an adoptive mum with a teen with special needs, its not remotely funny and is offensive.

@charliebear78 is this a recent diagnosis. It sounds like you need some help with parenting strategies for kids with ADHD.

Yes forgetting stuff, leaving lights on, eye rolling is pretty standard teen behaviour, he is not going to respond as a neurotypical child would.
Punishment and detentions won’t work. Putting a list up the fridge and expecting that he will look at it and then do the work won’t work.
What is the silly behaviour that gets him into trouble - maybe its not silly at all but an indication that he is not coping in school - what have school put in place to support him.
My son has ASD not ADHD so I have no specific advice to offer, but others have.
Yes its frustrating, draining, annoying etc etc.
But he needs your support and help.
It may be helpful to try and reframe things in your own mind from ‘he won’t do’ to ‘he can’t do’.

OP I imagine he finds the list embarrassing and maybe feels they highlight his inadequacies?

Certainly I need to be careful how I 'help' my dd without offending her, she hates the idea of being treated like a baby, and I can see how upset it makes her not to be able to remember/focus and manage herself. So I have to be very careful that any ideas, are her ideas even if I have subtly suggested them.

Also my dd cuts herself off sometimes from the rest of the house, I used to worry so much about this, but I now see it as a form of decompression from the pressure she is experiencing both externally and internally. She needs that time to feel centred and calm, she plays music or makes things, or games with her friends. If he is doing it for very long periods that may be different.

Does anyone have some websites they can recommend for further research and ideas? I have read a few books, but many are aimed at younger kids and not teens.

Lots of things to think through so thank you once again.
He got the official diagnosis and put on meds about a year or so ago.
He hates anything to do with his condition and does not like taking the tablets.
He can get very defensive and upset about things and will shout that we think he's stupid.
We do reassure him this isn't the case.
I admit neither myself nor my partner know the best way to react to him.
He just shows a total lack of interest in homework so it isn't just the forgetting he doesn't even really try to check..will just tell me he doesn't have any..then I check on the app and he will one or two due.

@charliebear78

so its fairly recent then. Can I suggest that you get this moved to the SEN board where you should get more advice.

See if you have any local support groups, my ASD group is a lifesaver.
It is tough, a lot is trial and error, seeing what works for him.

He will also take time to come to terms with it, he won’t want to feel that he is different, or like it that he has to take medication. My son is 16, diagnosed at 5. Its only in the last two years or so that he’s accepted that this is who he is.
Lower your expectations of him, think a lot younger, and as I said, try to switch your own mindset from ‘won’t’ to ‘can’t’

@charliebear78 is he year 9? My ds is year 10 now (14 in the summer) but he was diagnosed with ADHD at the end of year 8 and year 9 was awful (year 8 hadn't been great!) - I was so glad it was cut short. To be fair lockdown was much better.

A lot of what you say sounds similar - he hated his diagnosis, didn't care about homework, was disorganised, always getting in trouble for either silliness/disruption and late/lack of homework. It was a real challenge!

I'm not sure what has happened except for maturity... but this year so far has been better. I still check his homework app every night and remind him of what needs to be done, but he doesn't fight me over it. To be honest, I'm not sure he spends long enough on homework, but he's doing it.. and in addition, he's working in class, which is the bigger priority for me. He's even got a few merits! I figure that if he concentrates in class, that's the main thing - and it's pretty exhausting so he probably doesn't have much left for homework.

One thing that did help I think was him starting to own the diagnosis and not be ashamed of it. He sometimes posts funny things about ADHD on snapchat, poking fun at himself, but we've also got him to see the good side too - for him, this is that when he gets into something he can really focus and get very good very quickly. Also, we've acknowledged together that he can't focus on work in the evening for long, so we try to encourage short sharp bursts. He's gotten very into physical exercise too, which I think helps. He can expend all his energy on doing a work out and then he can concentrate for a bit.

I think with ds too, he would get into a cycle of behaviour points/ getting in trouble at school and he'd then be sullen and fed up and get in trouble at home too. It became a vicious circle that made him feel very low about himself. So I'm keen to help him not to get in trouble wherever possible - although obviously, a lot is down to him.

But most of all, I think he's just grown up a bit. He's started thinking about what he might want to do next and knows he needs to get his GCSEs.

I agree with a @crazycrofter - getting DS to own his diagnosis will help. ADHD kids have talents that non-ADHD kids don't & we try to focus on those. Life can be tough when you're different so being OK with it yourself is half the battle.

We were lucky that DS was diagnosed when he was young as we have been able to learn about how to work with DS before secondary school hit. One book that really helped was 'All dogs have ADHD'. Might be a bit young for your DS but illustrates how the ADHD brain is wired slightly differently but in a positive way.

But it also needs to be about helping your ds work out how to get organised, not just doing it for him

Agree with this 💯. In terms of 'learning the consequences', I am talking about him learning the importance of having a system that works for him, not about punishment. Like most adolescents with additional needs, he is clearly rebelling against the constraints they cause - which is only natural- kids his age are so desperate to fit in. It's disempowering and counter-productive to try to impose more processes on him. He needs to feel ownership and to feel that he is controlling the ADHD, not being controlled by it. The OP can support him to do this, rather than trying to do it for him.

Definitely see if you can find a local support group/organisation...and ignore anyone that suggests strategies not adhd related..
I assume with medication you have CAMHS involvement...they may havd some courses or know local support.

Go back to the school ...has he got an ehcp? They maybe able to help with strategies in school and punishments...my dn doesn't get detentions/demerits for homework in her super strict school as the stress is counter productive..and the amount of homework she does has massively increased...they (and it took a lot of meetings with the school ) let her always have a weekend as she is exhausted..

Meet him where he is...you need to be his champion and advocate at school..its often hard work having dc with SEN especially at the moment and in the early day's...maybe split things between you...1 does school one does health..????

The most important thing in my opinion is to try and reduce the stress on the dc ...modern teenage life is hard....he has to be completely sure you are on his side and pushing his case. .

Thank you again.
We had a lady from CAMHS and a lady from ADHD northwest help us with school in the beginning.
School promised lots but not stuck to what they said so I do think we need a rethink with that.
He has a SENCO teacher but that is it(and hes pretty rubbish!)
He is constantly losing things in school and they just seem to wash their hands of it..an entire gym bag with kit has been lost.
We give him things in his bag to hand back into school(forms) and he never does then school are on our case!
Maybe we could ask for emails instead.
Anyway some very useful posts on here and I have taken it all on board.
Wont pretend to know everything and he does frustrate me no end but I am learning to be more patient.

This is like my 12 year old daughter with ADHD and like my son who is 14 and has autism. I think it is pretty much just teenage behaviour. I do not make my daughter do her homework having had years of battles over this (she is severely dyslexic too). I settle with some spelling practice and not much else. She regularly gets detentions but to her, they are not a punishment. Unfortunately she doesn't seem to see very much as being a punishment, at least it doesn't deter her from doing what she wants! My son however, is quite clever and he will do his homework albeit with moaning. I think it depends on what they will get out of it vs the distress caused. I would actually consider home schooling for my daughter but she enjoys the social aspect of school.