Would this annoy you?

[LoveEatYoga]

DH and I work from home for different employers but doing a similar job (professional).

I have more experience in this particular field.

As we happen to do the same thing and work from home, we talk about work and both ask for the other' opinion about things and that's fine.

Today he has come to speak to me once about a work thing he needs to do that he is not sure about. He came into my study and sat down and we talked for about half an hour. I have other things to do but he's my husband and I make time for him.

I had a lunch break at around 2 as that's when I was first able to take a break. As soon as I went downstairs he called me into his study to look at something. I felt annoyed by this point as I was a bit hangry and wanted to eat and needed a break but felt like I'd upset him if I said I couldn't help. I helped.

I had lunch and fed the dog. I mentioned the dog was acting strangely and I hope he's not unwell. DH made a sarcastic comment like "well he might be and he might not but you'll never know as he can't talk". I thought it wasn't very nice.

He might have even spoken to me again as at some point I sent him some example letters.

Now I'm working in my study and DH just came up to talk more about the same matter. I was listening but was doing something on the PC at the same time. He then said "you're not interested are you?" I said something like "I just need to get my work work done too".

I have something I need to do today that is taking ages and slightly stressful so could do without him interrupting me.

He then went and I could hear him saying as he walked down the stairs "I'll just muddle through it as usual. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing".

I don't think it was aimed at me. He's clearly stressed. Having said that, I have a job to do as well as I and I don't think it's fair of him to make me feel bad for not having time to help.

I'm busy. I'm being chased to get things done as I'm a bit behind after a couple of days off last week. I'm slightly stressed.

I am happy to help him when I've finished this or even the odd time throughout it the day but I just don't have time to have three lengthy conversations in one day about his work thing.

If we were both working in the office then this just wouldn't happen! He wouldn't call me in the middle of the day and expect me to stop working and help him.

You’re not even his colleague - it’s nice of you to help but he needs to get support from people at his actual job, not from you all the time. What would he do if you weren’t there? He must have a line manager/mentor to ask for help if he needs it. You’re not being paid extra to support someone and it’s not fair for your work to take longer because of him.

I think I would be irritated (DH and I work in very different industries so there’s no cross over) but if you were prepared to help him but after you’d done your own work, then you should have said that.

I think you should try to help if you can - DH and I have had many work discussions since I've been WFH and we don't even do the same job but have helped each other by talking through problems. However you won't be in the right frame of mind if you're hungry or have a deadline looming.

Could you say something like "I really need to concentrate on this for an hour (or whatever) but can talk it through after that."?

It would annoy me that I couldn’t be honest with my own husband, yes. You sound like you barely know the guy.

Your husband sounds like an overgrown baby. If he has no clue what he's doing he either needs to invest in educating himself or find a new job.

I can be honest with him but because he's stressed he's getting annoyed.

After posting the OP I went and spoke to him and said I am happy to help but I need to get my own thing done first (I just have one particular job to do but it needs a couple of hours) and that I can help later.

He wasn't very nice about it tbh and said he'll have worked it out by then.

Just to be clear this isn't me not wanting to help my DH it's that he's a bit arsey if I can't stop what I'm doing to help him. I do help him and he helps me but if he had something urgent to do then he would say and I wouldn't try to make him feel bad about it.

Has he always been such a self-absorbed arsehole? It seems to me he feels his work is more important than yours and you should be happy to neglect your job in order to keep him happy. His child behaviour is deeply unattractive.

WFM blurs boundaries, and it's annoying as hell. I've been WFH since 2012 and people assume you're 'available' all the time. If he's stressed, you're clearly the first person he wants to turn to - which is nice in a way, but not great if you have work to do!

Obviously you'll help him if you can, but he needs to know that your work comes first. Talk to him this evening and say you understand things get stressful but you shouldn't take it out on each other - and that he's welcome to ask if he needs help (and vice versa, hopefully!) but that he needs to be mindful that you might not be able to help straight away, and he might be better phoning a colleague who he would ask if he was actually in the office.

He could probably sort it for himself if he put his mind to it and concentrated on what you had said. He should take a walk and come back to it and get stuck in. If I am faced with someone that can't absorb what I am explaining I put it very carefully in an e.mail and suggest they refer back to it when they need help.

I would be more concerned about the dog.

How's the dog?

Your DH is right. He will have worked it out for himself by the time you have sufficient brain space to help him. So that's what he needs to do... his job... whilst you are doing yours.

I wfh all the time, self employed. DH has been given the "fuck off, I'm working" speech a few times. He now remembers to flash the lights, I work with my back to the door, headphones on, and to wait for me to turn round and take them off before starting to speak.

Then again, he doesn't see my work as lesser than,, even now with the hit I've taken from covid.

You need to have a chat with him when he isn't sulking/angry and agree your Terms of Interruption - as DH calls them

no

Dog seems okay but I was a bad dog owner yesterday. I cleaned his bowls last night and forgot to give him water! He didn't make a fuss but only noticed this morning when I went to feed him and I gave him what we do he immediately drank loads. He's probably fine and I'm just feeling guilty...

I want DH and I to be able to support one another but it's now 5:30 and I haven't done what I needed to but then I can't blame him for that! I have been a bit distracted tbh which is why I need to be allowed to work when I'm in the zone

Thanks for the replies

My partner and I work in similar fields and both worked from home before I went on mat leave. He would sometimes ask to talk through a problem or sanity check what he was doing. The nature of our jobs means I can vaguely understand what he does but he doesn't understand what I do. If I was free I didn't mind a 5-10 minute interruptions anything longer than that was covered during joint lunch /coffee breaks or at the end of the day. The problem here seems to not be that he interrupts you but more that he doesn't understand that you can't be there whenever suits him. How is he usually with prioritising yours and his needs?

I think there are a lot of us who are struggling now with wfh. I'll certainly include myself in that and, after opening up to some colleagues this week, I've found we are all in much the same place.
People (as a whole) are hitting a wall with the pandemic and all the changes we thought were temporary now stretching out infront of us indefinitely. It is hard. It is hitting people's mental health and maybe your dh has hit this wall.

I'm glad my dh is a lot more sympathetic than people like Aquamarine1029
I'm struggling with a couple of aspects of my job. It doesn't mean I'm an overgrown baby.
Yes, I can talk to my Team Manager and colleagues - but only via zoom type platforms of phone. It really isn't the same.

A couple of weeks ago, my dh found things getting on top of him. I didn't accuse him of being a baby either. I listened. Couldn't do much practically, but I'm glad he was able to have a bit of a rant and get it out of his system.
Yes, it will depend on our jobs as to if we have to be 'present' working at fixed times or if we have some flexibility but, if we can't help then, Id have thought the answer is to say "really sorry, I need to get this done by midday / I am on a video call in 10 mins / whatever, but I can come and help you after that" or "Today is manic for me,, can you do something else for now and I'll have a look at this with you after dinner?" etc.

Everyone at home gets distracted by things sometimes. No-one planned for this - we are all muddling through and doing our best.

Have some empathy folks.

BackforGood I think you're right. It is different to call someone than it would be to just turn and speak to the person next to you in the office. I think we have that role for one another because we are in the same house and for the most part it's okay but I think today maybe it didn't work because we are both a bit stressed! He felt he needed to talk to me "now" and he was wrong to put pressure on me but I don't think he's wrong to expect me to help him when I can.

I think I'm hitting the wall myself. I feel a bit fed up. Not massively and I know I'm lucky to have a job and be able to WFH, I really do, but I am struggling a little with motivation and concentration.

DH has done the same thing today!

He came upstairs about 20 mins ago. He spoke to me about work and I stopped whag I was doing to talk to him for a few minutes. He then said he was going to buy some lunch and asked if I'd read an email while he's out. I agreed though it sounded like a lot as he wanted me to read the letter / email along with a report he was basing it on and I've been working since 8 am without a proper break.

I said "okay just let me send this email". He was getting dressed upstairs and continued talking to me. I must have asked five times to just finish sending my email (I needed to read it before sending but maybe that wasn't clear) and in the end he stormed downstairs telling me not to worry about it because I clearly don't want to help.

I then went downstairs to try to discuss it with him as I'm upset but of course he's dismissing what I say and saying he didn't need my help anyway. I tried to get him to understand that I would have helped but I just wanted to send my email first but apparently this is me always having to be right!

It's 2.30 again and I haven't had lunch yet because I wanted to get this email out (which is the thing I was working on yesterday and is now ready to go subject to me reading through and adding attachments). I got up at 7:30 to start work early because I didn't get this done yesterday. I've still got another big job to do today. I'm really upset again because I feel he's done the same thing as he did yesterday. It's the same thing he's dealing with BTW.

This is not just an issue of him needing help. It's an issue of him being disrespectful and not understanding that his work doesn't come first for me!

It sounds like you need to sit down when you are both calm to discuss reasonable expectations.

The current situation doesn't sound sustainable, you can't carry the burden of your work and his without something suffering.

How are other jobs around the house divided? Did he get you something for lunch when he popped out to buy himself? We had an unwritten rule that the person that was least busy at lunch sorted lunch for both of us to make things easier and meant neither of us went without.

Sorry but he sounds like a childish prick. What is his problem?

I'm not surprised that the dog acted strangely.

He had initially wanted fish and chips and asked what I want for lunch so we said we'd share a fish and chips. He then had his paddy and said he wasn't going. Later he said he was but this was after us arguing about nothin and I said I didn't need anything as I heated up some leftover takeaway.

I do more in the house and contribute slightly more financially. I earn more so it's okay I contribute slightly more but I do get frustrated about doing more in the house. We try to share the cooking and washing up. He does the gardening but this includes the "essentials" like mowing the lawn and the other stuff which is a bit of a hobby. I do all cleaning the rest of the house, food shopping, laundry. That is another argument though!

What annoyed me more was I was still working at nearly 7 and he came up to ask what my plan was as it's already nearly 7 and when was I making dinner. It was my night to cook but clearly I was busy (whilst I got up at 7 to start work, he slept until about half 10) and he said "if you're busy don't worry about cooking for me". He could have just offered to cook for both of us.

He then wound me up again as this discussion ended with him walking off as if I were being unreasonable and then I stopped working and started cooking because I had given up.

I had a stressful day and now need to get up early again to do the job I was supposed to get done today (I finished yesterday's job today) as I had told a client I'd do it today and do want it to be ready for 9 am but have no idea how long it will take.

He doesn't seem to see what the problem is.

He honestly sounds like a self-absorbed prick. Who does he think he is, demanding your time at the expense of your own work, making you feel shit about trying to assert some boundaries, and the dinner thing? Fucking hell. I’m not really sure what to say I think it all speaks to an attitude that I bet, if you scratch the surface, has an impact on much more than just your WFH set up.

I'd have told him he needed to start cooking since you still had work to get done because he spent yet another day interrupting you and keeping you from doing your job to help him with his. And then whinged and sulked when you told him you had your own work to do. FFS. That should shut him up.

I'd be furious at the manchild behaviour.

This really isn't working for you, is it? Honestly, I don't know what to advise except kill him - it would be better for you if one of you went to the office to work, but I can't see why you should be the one to do that.

Can you do something whereby if either of you have got a sign on the door then you can't be disturbed?

In any case, asking you to read a report while he goes off out on a break is really awful. Who the hell does he think he is?

I think he is struggling with some bits of work and so wants help and I don't mind that. He is clearly a bit stressed and doesn't deal with it well but he needs to realise that the way he's trying to get what he wants is not okay. I really didn't want to read a long email when I need a break myself but I would have done it. And so it really pees me off that I agree to do it and I'm wrong anyway for wanting to finish what I'm doing?!

It has really bothered me especially because he doesn't get it.

He’s just selfish. You already admit he wouldn’t do the same for you.