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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this annoy you?

54 replies

LoveEatYoga · 05/10/2020 15:47

DH and I work from home for different employers but doing a similar job (professional).

I have more experience in this particular field.

As we happen to do the same thing and work from home, we talk about work and both ask for the other' opinion about things and that's fine.

Today he has come to speak to me once about a work thing he needs to do that he is not sure about. He came into my study and sat down and we talked for about half an hour. I have other things to do but he's my husband and I make time for him.

I had a lunch break at around 2 as that's when I was first able to take a break. As soon as I went downstairs he called me into his study to look at something. I felt annoyed by this point as I was a bit hangry and wanted to eat and needed a break but felt like I'd upset him if I said I couldn't help. I helped.

I had lunch and fed the dog. I mentioned the dog was acting strangely and I hope he's not unwell. DH made a sarcastic comment like "well he might be and he might not but you'll never know as he can't talk". I thought it wasn't very nice.

He might have even spoken to me again as at some point I sent him some example letters.

Now I'm working in my study and DH just came up to talk more about the same matter. I was listening but was doing something on the PC at the same time. He then said "you're not interested are you?" I said something like "I just need to get my work work done too".

I have something I need to do today that is taking ages and slightly stressful so could do without him interrupting me.

He then went and I could hear him saying as he walked down the stairs "I'll just muddle through it as usual. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing".

I don't think it was aimed at me. He's clearly stressed. Having said that, I have a job to do as well as I and I don't think it's fair of him to make me feel bad for not having time to help.

I'm busy. I'm being chased to get things done as I'm a bit behind after a couple of days off last week. I'm slightly stressed.

I am happy to help him when I've finished this or even the odd time throughout it the day but I just don't have time to have three lengthy conversations in one day about his work thing.

If we were both working in the office then this just wouldn't happen! He wouldn't call me in the middle of the day and expect me to stop working and help him.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/10/2020 00:25

@LoveEatYoga

I think he is struggling with some bits of work and so wants help and I don't mind that. He is clearly a bit stressed and doesn't deal with it well but he needs to realise that the way he's trying to get what he wants is not okay. I really didn't want to read a long email when I need a break myself but I would have done it. And so it really pees me off that I agree to do it and I'm wrong anyway for wanting to finish what I'm doing?!

It has really bothered me especially because he doesn't get it.

Stop saying you don't mind!

He's not your colleague.

How would your bosses feel about you spending time helping him and his company rather than doing your own work?

His company aren't paying you, they're paying him to do his job and if he can't there must be someone there he can refer to.

user1471457751 · 07/10/2020 00:40

Why mention the fact you earn slightly more? It's completely irrelevant and just comes across as though you think your work is more important.

It also sounds like you need to work on your time management and efficiency. You mention wasting time in your first posts and then in your latest it's taking hours to send an email.

However, he needs to respect your working time, stop sulking and listen to you when you offer to help but later. He also needs to do his fair share of all chores (but not do more just because you earn more)

notangelinajolie · 07/10/2020 00:49

Missing the point completely but I'm impressed that you have a house with two studies.

Perhaps you could join studies together and share. That way you could do a 'united support while you work' kind of thing.

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2020 00:56

@notangelinajolie

Missing the point completely but I'm impressed that you have a house with two studies.

Perhaps you could join studies together and share. That way you could do a 'united support while you work' kind of thing.

Then the OP would never get any work done!

They don't work for the same company so he should be seeking help from colleagues/management, not his wife when she has her own job to do.

Elsewyre · 07/10/2020 03:12

OP might get a bit more work done if they stopped posting on forums throughout the workday too....

Medievalist · 07/10/2020 03:19

Do either of you have time to walk your dog?

Original poster
LoveEatYoga · 07/10/2020 07:42

I said I don't mind as I don't. He's my husband and I would help him. It's helpful to chat things through sometimes. People do things through the working day and so I don't believe there's anything inherently wrong with helping one another but I don't have time to help him at length if I'm busy too.

My real issue with it is the attitude.

I mentioned I earn more with regards to finances as PP asked if everything is evenly split in the house. If I mentioned it before that (can't remember whether I did) it was to make the point that I am slightly more experienced with him and that it makes sense that I might know more about this area than he does. It's not that he's just crap at his job.

We worked in the same room at the start of lockdown but DH objected to that mostly!

Yes I could be working rather than posting on MN but needed to vent and have mentioned I am struggling to concentrate. I still worked from before 8 am until about 7 yesterday so more than worked my hours!

I'm hoping today will be better.

OP posts:
fuzzymoon · 07/10/2020 07:55

Is working from home a problem for your H ?
When in the office you can talk through stuff incidentally , making coffee, walking past someone's desk etc. It's surprising what support you get from these times.
You don't get that wfh and phone calls can't be used the same way.
I am much better in the office. We share info in an informal way. It works so much better in our field.

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2020 08:10

Well if its just to vent, you've done that and that's ok.

But if you read your posts you might see why you're working longer but less productively

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 07/10/2020 08:21

I think you should put your energy into teaching the dog to speak, then you DH can discuss work issues with Ddog.

Benefits are that dog can tell you when it's feeling under the weather and if it needs more water, Ddog will probably be a more considerate companion and it willrelease space for DH to live in kennel in garden.

Atalune · 07/10/2020 08:31

Does your husband not have any work colleagues he can discuss work with?

I think you need to have stronger Boundaries and speak to him more.

RandomMess · 07/10/2020 08:40

Honestly I think you need to email him with the facts.

I am employed by xyz to do my job. When I am sat in y room working my work priority is them.

If you want or need my help send me a meeting request and I will do my best to fit it in around my work priorities.

Seriously he should be asking for support from his colleagues not you!!! We both WFH (no longer same company) and we just crack on with it!!

What he is doing is swinging his Dick around and making out that his work and needs are a priority over his own (yet can sleep in until 10am??)

Justmuddlingalong · 07/10/2020 08:45

Put a do not disturb sign on the closed door. He's not bothering his arse about being rude to you, so return the favour.

Asterion · 07/10/2020 08:45

You need some clear boundaries. We call it the Archie Norman Red Hat.

When your door is shut, or you have a red hat on, or whatever, you are concentrating and cannot chat.

Original poster
LoveEatYoga · 07/10/2020 08:46

I know why I'm not working well. 2 reasons - the first is I do feel I am finding it hard to focus at the moment and feel a bit fed up of working at home and the second is when he interrupts me it just makes it harder. I've been working since 8 am. He just got up and came in my study, asked how my early start is going and started asking me about his work.

I have got headphones on as I was listening to music when I first got up. I just kept them on as I have Zoom calls shortly and will need them but he doesn't know nothing is playing. Even that didn't stop him talking to me about his work!

And now here I am on MN ranting about it again.

I think I'm tired as well as my tolerance is probably lower than it should be

Back to work...

OP posts:
Spinakker · 07/10/2020 08:55

I think you need to get real with him. Hes overstepping the boundaries here and you'll just have to tell him you can't help. I know you wanted to help but he's not satisfied with what you've been offering and he's continuing to disturb your peace. I think you need to just tell it to him straight that he needs to respect the fact you've got your own work to do and me more grateful for the help you give. I'm sure he'll go off in a huff but the more you keep giving the more he'll keep taking it seems and he might not even realise what stress he's putting you under.

Wibblypiggly · 07/10/2020 09:01

It’s not up to you to sort out the ineptitude of your husband. Your his safety net because you’re better than him and him having a strop because you won’t drop your own work to help him is pathetic. What would he do if he was in the office?!

BarbaraofSeville · 07/10/2020 09:04

It's fine to help him with the odd occasional quick query, but he really should be getting help from colleagues, his boss etc.

Currently his company doesn't know that he needs support because he's bypassing what should be 'the system' by asking you.

WFH shouldn't make a difference, Zoom etc and even a phone connection should mean that he can just call the appropriate person during working hours, or at least message them and ask 'can you call me when you have a minute' if he doesn't feel comfortable interrupting someone 'blind'.

He should be in contact with his line manager at whatever frequency his company has said anyway, a couple of times a week or so at the very minimum.

dudsville · 07/10/2020 09:09

I think you're both being a little tetchy.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 07/10/2020 09:15

"You sound like you barely know the guy."

Hmm what on earth? She's talking about a work situation, nothing else. How on earth do you come to that conclusion?

steppemum · 07/10/2020 09:18

get a sign for your study door - do not disturb - working for a deadline.
Then shut the door and put the sign on.

Then factor in regular breaks, actually make them proper breaks eg walk round the block, have lunch.

Then after you have had your lunch (or whatever) go to your dh and say - I am free for 30 minutes is there anything I can help with?

If he is grumpy, then give him the next free time - Ok, well if you want any more help I'll take a break at around 4, so I can help you then. Then shut your srudy door.

You need to demostrate the boundaries. If he was understanding them when you explained them, fine, but he isn't. So show him.

Dh and I work from home, and if I go up and ask him for something, I always ask first if he has a minute, sometimes he says - later and I leave the room and come back later.
It's called mutual respect.

wouldyouhaveacupoftea · 07/10/2020 09:32

This doesn't solve the bigger problem but to get some work done can you decamp to a cafe/library/friends house?

I think if you have the quite literal space between you that will help him realise there are boundaries.

Then when you're both less stressed you can have a chat about it.

If nothing else being in the same house day in day out is going to drive you a little crazy.

But I completely agree. He sounds totally self absorbed. The stropping would do it for me. It's not the needing help it's his attitude that he thinks he's more important.

slashlover · 07/10/2020 09:38

Why is he showing you reports etc? Surely there's some sort of data security policy not to show that sort of information to people outside the company?

NoSleepInTheHeat · 07/10/2020 10:08

Do you discuss this in the evening, when the pressure of work is off?
Basically the problem is not that he is asking for help but that he expects you to drop what you are doing when he asks. Maybe ask him if he agrees with this statement.

Then the next step is to find a solution: when he needs your help could he message you instead of coming in person? and you could answer saying you'll be with him in 15min/after lunch/straightaway.
When he comes in person he expects 'straightaway' whereas you are being interrupted - his expectations are not met hence the grumpiness, you are irritated by the interruption.

DH and I are in a very similar position, different companies but same field and very similar jobs.

user1493494961 · 07/10/2020 10:21

I was also focussed on the his and hers studies (or, as this is Mumsnet, hers and his).