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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell my mum that I am pregnant when I haven’t spoken to her in years....

63 replies

mrsmrt1981 · 05/10/2020 14:48

I have not spoken properly to my mum in 5+ years, and the last time we did speak I asked her not to contact me.

I had a difficult childhood and have PTSD as a result. We are talking neglect, sexual abuse, physical abuse, etc. My mum isn’t directly responsible for all the the abuse, she had mental health problems and I know she is remorseful for not protecting us better.

I left home to go to uni at 18 (first in my family). She converted my bedroom ( back room) into a dining room. If I came back for Christmas or during the summer I had to sleep on the sofa, and was generally made to feel very unwelcome and uncomfortable. I found this extremely hurtful at the time, and have never really gotten over the feeling of being forced out. I have a half sister who was never forced out, in fact I think she still lives there to this day. I always wondered why I was treated differently, and wondered if it was connected to the how I was sexually abused (Maybe she didn’t like me anymore because of it?). I now know this is rubbish and that it was not my fault. I think the point I am trying to make is my relationship with her has been very damaging to myself for all sorts of reasons and that is why we no longer speak.

I am now 19 weeks pregnant, and my grandmother (we are close) and another family members are adamant I must tell her. A few of my old friends have asked me if I have told my mum. When I say no they just look puzzled and respond ‘oh’. My grandmother doesn’t understand how I can not tell her.

I don’t want to tell her as that would involve making contact that I do not want. I am not even sure I could deal with making contact. I know this means my baby will miss out on a grandmother, but my DH has parents that will be involved.. Am I being selfish? AIBU by not telling her?

OP posts:

Curiosity101 · 05/10/2020 20:39

Do what you need to do for you and your baby. It sounds like you're not ready to have her back in your life, and you might never be so don't let anyone tell you that you should.

Good luck with everything.

Mmsnet101 · 05/10/2020 20:59

I was in a very similar position just over a year ago OP, except it was my 'D' M who initiated the NC between us but then every time she was drunk I'd get calls/texts etc and then it escalated to other family members constantly contacting me about made up drama with her so I went NC and blocked them all out.

A few years later I became pregnant and similar to you had family nagging me, as if this was the thing that was magically going to make our relationship ok. I doubted myself and thought I had to be the bigger person and let her know, and maybe if she'd got her mental health and drinking under control then we might have some form of relationship etc... She immediately wanted to be involved buying prams etc and when I didn't immediately gush about her offers, she went back to square 1 and I had to block again. It achieved one thing in that I've finally learned there's no way back for our relationship and resigned myself to that and sort of grieved the relationship I'll never have. Other than that it was a lot of unnecessary stress and pressure whilst very hormonal.

My family and others who know about it don't understand, but then they are the types to keep sharing the BS 'you only get one mum' shit on fb etc. I'm seen as the bad guy, but I just live with that now.

ValleysGirl2 · 05/10/2020 21:01

I didn't tell my mum about my last 2 pregnancies and she's never asked either... I don't think its unreasonable and tat you should do whatever makes you happier x

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/10/2020 21:01

Sorry, my intention wasn't to add more stress at all, just to highlight something for you to be mindful of once baby arrives.

Dobbyismyfavourite · 05/10/2020 21:14

YANBU. From experience your relationship with your 'D' M will not improve just because you are having a baby. Your relatives need to back off, they can be as adamant as they like, but only you can decide to let your Mum back into your life.

Why is your DGM adamant that you must tell your Mum you are pregnant? Is it her DD? Anyone who has a difficult childhood needs to do what is best for them and not what is perceived as the 'right' thing to do. Where were all these adults whilst you endured a shit childhood? Safe your energy for giving your child the childhood you didn't have! Good luck OP.

Original poster

mrsmrt1981 · 05/10/2020 21:30

@Dobbyismyfavourite

I guess she just thinks that’s the right and proper thing to do. She doesn’t know the full extent of the abuse, and the last thing I want to do is revisit all of that. I think you’re right, I need to do what’s best for me.

OP posts:

Holiday21plea · 05/10/2020 21:33

If you tell your mum what will it achieve op?
Think about what’s best for you moving forward... your mum will hear you have had a baby from someone in the family eventually anyway.

Original poster

mrsmrt1981 · 05/10/2020 21:40

@Holiday21plea

If you tell your mum what will it achieve op? Think about what’s best for you moving forward... your mum will hear you have had a baby from someone in the family eventually anyway.

It won’t achieve anything. I was worried I was being selfish but relieved people think not.

OP posts:

lyralalala · 05/10/2020 21:51

I was in a similar situation so I'd say two things.

It's worth having an idea of the counselling services available in your area before the birth. I was expecting becoming a Mum to throw up some emotions about my childhood abuse, but it hit me like a train. It doesn't for everyone, but some it does. I was very glad I'd had a chat with a counsellor before that so could just phone him and set up sessions.

Secondly with regard to telling people that you are NC with you. The main thing to consider is that she will find out at some point. So what you need to decide is if you want control of the timing of that. With my first pregnancy I didn't tell my father and no-one else did. He found out, and turned up at my door, a week after the birth. I really could have done without the drama of him shouting and screaming at that moment. With future pregnancies a family member who had contact told him, which mean his drama llama bollocks was long over - and importantly he had realised I was not changing my NC stance - and done with by the time I gave birth.

Good luck

Mysa74 · 06/10/2020 12:45

@CanICelebrate

YANBU

I clicked yabu because I have fat fingers sorry xx

@CanICelebrate Click the other option and it'll swap your vote over

CanICelebrate · 06/10/2020 17:44

@Mysa74 Done!
I had no idea you could do that!!!!

Mysa74 · 10/10/2020 08:32

@CanICelebrate I've got fat fingers too and tried on the off chance

HandfulofDust · 10/10/2020 08:52

Wow you're not selfish at all. I wouldn't want to tell her in your situation and I'm quite frankly shocked that anyone's suggesting you should.

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