Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not tell my mum that I am pregnant when I haven’t spoken to her in years....

63 replies

mrsmrt1981 · 05/10/2020 14:48

I have not spoken properly to my mum in 5+ years, and the last time we did speak I asked her not to contact me.

I had a difficult childhood and have PTSD as a result. We are talking neglect, sexual abuse, physical abuse, etc. My mum isn’t directly responsible for all the the abuse, she had mental health problems and I know she is remorseful for not protecting us better.

I left home to go to uni at 18 (first in my family). She converted my bedroom ( back room) into a dining room. If I came back for Christmas or during the summer I had to sleep on the sofa, and was generally made to feel very unwelcome and uncomfortable. I found this extremely hurtful at the time, and have never really gotten over the feeling of being forced out. I have a half sister who was never forced out, in fact I think she still lives there to this day. I always wondered why I was treated differently, and wondered if it was connected to the how I was sexually abused (Maybe she didn’t like me anymore because of it?). I now know this is rubbish and that it was not my fault. I think the point I am trying to make is my relationship with her has been very damaging to myself for all sorts of reasons and that is why we no longer speak.

I am now 19 weeks pregnant, and my grandmother (we are close) and another family members are adamant I must tell her. A few of my old friends have asked me if I have told my mum. When I say no they just look puzzled and respond ‘oh’. My grandmother doesn’t understand how I can not tell her.

I don’t want to tell her as that would involve making contact that I do not want. I am not even sure I could deal with making contact. I know this means my baby will miss out on a grandmother, but my DH has parents that will be involved.. Am I being selfish? AIBU by not telling her?

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/10/2020 16:08

Oh god OP I would do the same as you.

"No, we don't speak" and leave it at that.

She will find out of someone eventually and that's not for you to worry about either.

Look after yourself and your new family.

Snowpatrolling · 05/10/2020 16:11

I dont talk to my mum,
Haven’t for 5 years.
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve had someone say, “have you told your mum” with various things!
No is the answer and I won’t be forced to,
I attempted suicide due to her behaviour, she has no place in my life.
I don’t even feel guilty, I won’t go back to that dark place.
So what I’m trying to say is don’t be forced, just because these women gave birth to us, doesn’t mean they earned or deserve the title of mother.

Gin4thewin · 05/10/2020 16:12

I would imagine that she will see you telling her as an olive branch and opening the door back up for contact. Then whilst pregnant hormonal and every thing else going on, youll end up trying to force that door closed again.

If shes not going to be in the babies life, theres no need to tell her IMO, it's opening old wounds and not necessary.

Enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy your baby and if anyone mentions it, keep saying no, one word answers and make it abundantly clear you will go no further on the subject. Im sure shes already been told anyway and shes not got in contact herself.

Congratulations
Xx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2020 16:13

"I am now 19 weeks pregnant, and my grandmother (we are close) and another family members are adamant I must tell her".

Why?.

Ignore these flying monkeys. These people are clearly not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion for what it is should be ignored by you.

You are NC for good reason; there is no need to justify your decision here to anyone. If some family members do not like this, it speaks volumes about them as people (they are really acting in their own self interest here).

Original poster

mrsmrt1981 · 05/10/2020 16:15

@Nottherealslimshady

You dont owe her a thing. If anyone questions surely "I dont speak to her because she abused me." Would end that. How could anyone expect you to.

It’s not that clear cut. Yes, she was abusive but she was also mentally unwell herself. I can forgive that. What hurts more is I was abused by her partners, and a family friend, and she never really spoke up for me. I suppose it may have been difficult for her, I don’t know. The straw that broke the camels back is the way she treated me after I left for uni. I had to accept I will never get what I want, or need from her and move on.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2020 16:17

"I know this means my baby will miss out on a grandmother, but my DH has parents that will be involved.."

Your child needs emotionally healthy role models around them and your own mother clearly does not fit the bill. Toxic people also make for being toxic as grandparents. Do not ever let your mother back into your life for any reason. You do not owe her anything let alone any sort of relationship here and with your child.

frogswimming · 05/10/2020 16:20

Your child won't have a grandmother but they will have a great grandmother.

Since you are close to your grandmother and you want to maintain that, could you write a letter with no contact details to your mum saying you are pregnant? That way your grandmother will feel satisfied you've told your mother, but she can't come back into your life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2020 16:23

Your mother never sought or even wanted to seek the necessary help. She chose these men to come into her and your life and she took the low road. She had choices when it came to you and she is absolutely culpable too for how you were treated. If her state of mental health stems from some sort of untreated and untreatable personality disorder that also is no excuse nor any sort of get out clause.

altiara · 05/10/2020 16:38

She’s not really a mother to you, so you’re not being selfish at all. You sound like you’ve put up some good boundaries, stay strong! And congratulations on the baby

Porcupineinwaiting · 05/10/2020 16:40

Absolutely dont tell her. It's not kind to you and it's not even kind to her unless you were telling her as an olive branch. What would you even say? " I'm having a baby and neither it nor I want anything to do with you"?

Original poster

mrsmrt1981 · 05/10/2020 18:36

@Porcupineinwaiting

Good point. It would be unkind to do that. I think I will just have something prepared incase she finds out and does contact me. I hope she doesn’t though.

OP posts:

Swayo · 05/10/2020 18:44

Yanbu, mine knows nothing about my life, don't even think she knows I'm married, I made the decision years ago that it was healthier for me (and tbh her) that no contact truly meant no contact, not no contact until other parties think I have to tell her something because "she's your mother"
Everytime you get asked just "no we don't talk"

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 05/10/2020 18:52

No, don't tell her, don't involve her, this is YOUR pregnancy and your new family.
She doesn't deserve to know, and what end goal would it achieve anyway?
Best left alone.
My DC has no grandparents (and only one aunt) and is absolutely lovely- he doesn't miss what he's never had- and your little one won't either.
Congratulations and good luck.

Iwonder08 · 05/10/2020 19:15

OP, you now have even more reasons to avoid your mother as you need to protect your child as well as yourself. If anyone will ask or mention her again tell them you have your reasons.if they persist ask them to think what should have happened for a daughter to not disclose such news to her own mother. Just leave it there.

1Morewineplease · 05/10/2020 19:29

You need t ask you're fine what do I want from my mum if I give her my news?'

Do you you want her involvement?
Do you want her back in your life?
Do you want someone who neglected you to spend time with your child?
Would you trust your child in her care?

You need to focus on your child.
Your mum may well find out but you call the shots.
You don't owe her anything.

otterbaby · 05/10/2020 19:31

I didn't tell my dad. But he found out from a family member when I was 36 weeks. Cue the guilt trip - but I just ignored him. You do what's best for you.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/10/2020 19:36

It may also be worth giving a little thought regarding the family members who do speak to you both.its important that they respect your no contact in order that if they mind/babysit your child, that they don't arrange for your child and mum to meet.

Original poster

mrsmrt1981 · 05/10/2020 19:39

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Omg, I didn’t even consider this. I absolutely wouldn’t want my mother to be around my baby without direct supervision. I could never trust her, the thought of it makes me feel sick with worry.

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsmrt1981 · 05/10/2020 19:43

Saying that I don’t think my grandmother would do this, at least I hope not, she doesn’t really speak to my mum much anyway. My whole family is very broken.

OP posts:

nhsnamechange · 05/10/2020 19:44

You're right in your decision. I don't think I need to explain further, you already know why.

Stealthmama · 05/10/2020 20:09

Yes whilst this is harsh to say, it's a safeguarding issue and you need to protect your child from those that have enabled abuse in the past.

You might need to make your message explicit to your family and friends that she is not to spend time with the child unless you have explicitly agreed to it, which you won't.

tsmainsqueeze · 05/10/2020 20:18

Your mother does not deserve you or the chance to be a grandmother to your child, she forfeit that when she didn't protect you .
As a mother i cannot get my head around women like that , i would die a million painful deaths for my children , surely most mothers would.
If someone wants to tell her about you let them , what does it matter . Stand your ground ,keep her out of your lives.
Wishing you much happiness with your baby .

Bluetrews25 · 05/10/2020 20:23

Congratulations on your pregnancy and moving on in your life.
This woman allowed you to be abused repeatedly, and then treated you appallingly herself.
And you are asking if it's ok to keep her out of your precious baby's life?
Absolutely.
One day I hope you feel strong enough to protect yourself and your DC by telling your gran and any other family the headlines of what happened and asking them not to pass on any information about you.
Can you do it for your DC if not for you?

blueberrypie0112 · 05/10/2020 20:28

If you haven’t talked to her then you don’t need to talk to her now. No point. Others can pass the news to her.

CanICelebrate · 05/10/2020 20:31

YANBU

I clicked yabu because I have fat fingers sorry xx

Flip

1 2 3