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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell my mum that I am pregnant when I haven’t spoken to her in years....

63 replies

mrsmrt1981 · 05/10/2020 14:48

I have not spoken properly to my mum in 5+ years, and the last time we did speak I asked her not to contact me.

I had a difficult childhood and have PTSD as a result. We are talking neglect, sexual abuse, physical abuse, etc. My mum isn’t directly responsible for all the the abuse, she had mental health problems and I know she is remorseful for not protecting us better.

I left home to go to uni at 18 (first in my family). She converted my bedroom ( back room) into a dining room. If I came back for Christmas or during the summer I had to sleep on the sofa, and was generally made to feel very unwelcome and uncomfortable. I found this extremely hurtful at the time, and have never really gotten over the feeling of being forced out. I have a half sister who was never forced out, in fact I think she still lives there to this day. I always wondered why I was treated differently, and wondered if it was connected to the how I was sexually abused (Maybe she didn’t like me anymore because of it?). I now know this is rubbish and that it was not my fault. I think the point I am trying to make is my relationship with her has been very damaging to myself for all sorts of reasons and that is why we no longer speak.

I am now 19 weeks pregnant, and my grandmother (we are close) and another family members are adamant I must tell her. A few of my old friends have asked me if I have told my mum. When I say no they just look puzzled and respond ‘oh’. My grandmother doesn’t understand how I can not tell her.

I don’t want to tell her as that would involve making contact that I do not want. I am not even sure I could deal with making contact. I know this means my baby will miss out on a grandmother, but my DH has parents that will be involved.. Am I being selfish? AIBU by not telling her?

OP posts:

CitizenFame · 05/10/2020 14:51

No you’re not being selfish at all. I wouldn’t tell her either. If your family is so adamant that she needs to be told, they can tell her. She can then do with the knowledge what she pleases and it will be 100% your decision how to react to it to any response she may have.

Milsplus3 · 05/10/2020 14:52

Do not tell her, she will try to worm her way back in and manipulate you to have a relationship with the baby. Your life is better without her, keep it that way.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 05/10/2020 14:53

No of course you’re not being unreasonable. Does grandmother/old friends know the details of your upbringing? Maybe they just can’t imagine it because they had good relationships with their mothers...

If you don’t want contact there’s nothing to gain, so don’t doubt yourself

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 05/10/2020 14:54

Stand firm in your decision

CSIblonde · 05/10/2020 15:00

You aren't being selfish. Your abuse is uncomfortable proof of & a reflection of her failings as a parent ,that's why she's unpleasant to you. The sister situation directly mirrors my experience ,except there was no sexual abuse. I've never regretted the NC thing. I look on her as a sad, damaged person with no self awareness,who failed me & used me as a handy scapegoat. Congrats on your pregnancy & put yourself & the little one first.

Ohtherewearethen · 05/10/2020 15:02

You owe her nothing. There is absolutely no reason why she needs to know this. Everybody else can butt out. She doesn't deserve to share your happy news

Cocomarine · 05/10/2020 15:05

Not selfish at all.
I wouldn’t tell.
But if you do - or she finds out - don’t think that means you have to see her.
My mum not as bad as yours, but I’m NC. I told her about my pregnancy at 24 weeks - simply because it wasn’t fair on my siblings to potentially cop it for keeping it a secret, or on them for worrying about if they mentioned by child, or their children did!
So I told my parents, and then continued with NC. We did later go low contact - but now NC again.
Telling her, doesn’t mean involving her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Being a mother is a lovely way to experience being a better mother.

runninguphills · 05/10/2020 15:07

Absolutely YANBU - you made a huge, brave decision to go NC. Don't let other tell you what to do.

Reaching out and telling her would be an invitation to her to come back into your life. If you want that - then that is OK. However, it sounds like you don't - maintain your NC.

Moomin12345 · 05/10/2020 15:10

Absolutely don't tell her. I've got a good friend who went through this and has never regretted protecting herself and her baby from her toxic family.

jacks11 · 05/10/2020 15:10

I think you have to do what us right for you- if seeing it speaking to your mum is going to cause harm, then don’t contact her. If your family strongly feel she should know, and you don’t disagree, they can tell her. I don’t think your family should be pressurising you to contact your mum when they know the reasons behind your decision to distance yourself.

I suppose the other thing you need to decide if you do tell her, is what is the outcome of that? Not that their opinion changes anything, but what do your family think the point of telling her is? I’d be concerned this is a prelude to wanting you to get in contact with her again.

From your point of view, what would the outcome be- Is it just to tell her? Or is it to build some sort of relationship again? I think it is important that you decide what you want if you do tell her about your pregnancy- she may think getting in touch to tell her is an invitation to start rebuilding your relationship, for instance, so you need to be clear what you want in order to maintain your boundaries.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

FlorenceNightshade · 05/10/2020 15:13

You are NC for a reason OP so you don’t need to feel guilty. What you may feel, when babies born, is that becoming a mother (I assumed this is your first child) stirs up emotions and questions. You may want to talk to your mother again at some point but do it on your terms. You’re not “expected” to act in a particular way in this situation so just do what feels right for you

Newgirls · 05/10/2020 15:13

If you can I recommend booking some therapy so you have support for your decision. Family members often don’t understand and have a fantasy that it will all be ok or want it to ‘look’ ok.

It was when I had my kids that I really understood what my parents had been like and getting support so you really enjoy your parenting years is so worth it x

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/10/2020 15:16

It sounds to me like not telling your mother will protect your child from a difficult relationship and possible abuse. Do you need another reason?

PurplePansy05 · 05/10/2020 15:17

I wouldn't. I am NC with my father following years of coercive control/financial abuse/emotional abuse and at times physical abuse. He knew about my first pregnancy and was a dick to me when I miscarried. I've had two pregnancies since (no happy end sadly) and didn't tell him about either. I am not planning on telling him about any future ones. No good can come out of this if your mother is as you've described IMO. Go with your instinct, not other people's demands and unfair pressure.

shrill · 05/10/2020 15:18

Stay strong. You know why

MrsToothyBitch · 05/10/2020 15:21

I wouldn't. If others want to tell her, fine but don't expect you to get in touch or respond to contact attempts. I'd make it very clear to anyone who might tell her that you have no wish to resume contact.

I don't always think babies bring people back together for the right reasons, regardless of back story.

krustykittens · 05/10/2020 15:27

It took me a long time to learn this lesson, OP, but bad parents do not make good grandparents. You sound happier for having her out of your life, keep it that way. The best of luck to you and your baby.

RedMarauder · 05/10/2020 15:28

Tell her a week or to after you had the baby.

She may be your mother in name but she isn't in nature and you need to keep your child away from her.

AnneTwackie · 05/10/2020 15:34

I don’t have contact with my dad, I asked another family to tell him but also to say my feelings about contact haven’t changed. He knows so there’s no drama about it being a secret.

Nottherealslimshady · 05/10/2020 15:51

You dont owe her a thing. If anyone questions surely "I dont speak to her because she abused me." Would end that. How could anyone expect you to.

Eistigi · 05/10/2020 15:56

No, you don't need to tell her. Look after yourself and your own mental health.

londongirl12 · 05/10/2020 15:59

The choice you have to make is do you want to contact her and her be in your life again? If yes then tell her. If no, then don't. She'll find out anyway, you don't have to tell her yourself

mumtobabygilrl · 05/10/2020 16:01

We made contact with Dh mum when I was pregnant - after years of a difficult relationship and NC. We did it due to pressure from other family members so I understand what you are going through.

Baby came and she didn't visit, she told lies about us to other family, we forgave..again. Finally visited when DD was 3months. She behaved terribly during visit and on texts etc after. Went no contact again and 3 years later we are still happy to have her out of our lives. Best choice for us. However family can't forgive our decision and are now all NC with us (grandparents, aunt) bit of a shame for DH but if they can't understand why we made the decision that's not ur problem- they actually know how bad his mum is

In short NC can be right with toxic people but be prepared to loose the other family members who disagree!

Good luck

Lindy2 · 05/10/2020 16:06

I don't think telling her will add anything beneficial into your life.

I expect someone else will tell her though so it would make sense to be prepared for her to contact you and plan what you want to say so you're not caught unprepared.

Original poster

mrsmrt1981 · 05/10/2020 16:07

@Thisisnotnormal69

If you don’t want contact there’s nothing to gain, so don’t doubt yourself

Thankyou. That’s a fair point. No one really knows the full extent. But I don’t want to go into it it over it again, I just wish they would respect my decision and understand that I have my reasons.

@krustykittens
Thankyou. I will remember that. My friend said I should consider having her back in my life just so my baby has a grandmother, but I will remember your point if it comes up again.

@MrsToothyBitch
I know, it’s so strange. It’s like they think me having a baby makes everything better. Like I should just put it behind me and move forward. Welcome to unicorn land....

@PurplePansy05
I am sorry to hear about your pregnancies. That must have been really hard for you. Thank you for sharing your story. I think you are right, I can’t see any good coming out of making contact. It will just bring up past trauma, which is the last thing I need atm.

@Newgirls
I have read that having your own children can be especially triggering for people who have experienced trauma through abuse. I am expecting it to be really hard, but I am determined to be different from my own mother and love my child unconditionally.

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