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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry for my dcs

61 replies

Greycurtiansarenaff · 05/10/2020 13:37

I honestly don't know where to start with this whole messed up situation. I'm so bloody angry my dcs dad, if that's what you want to call him has basically said he would rather have no contact with them, than tell them about the child he is about have.

The situation came about when ds asked if his dad would be around on xmas day and I said "I wasn't sure he would need to ask him" I then text exdp and told him what was said and that he needed to explain what was going on so that the dc could be prepared.
The baby is due in a matter of weeks, he nor his partner have once called and said they would like our dc to be involved in anything regarding their sibling and I genuinely do believe they have been pushed aside, by not only him but his partner who I know would be happy if they never saw their dad again.

I am so full of rage and anxiety on behalf of my dc that they don't even know what's going to hit them, they already feel as though they are unloved by him, but this has truly shown who he is and how he feels about them.

I don't even know if any if this makes sense but I just need some advice on what to do or say, he is literally disowning them, if favour of a new child and his partners feelings, this is going to devastate them.

OP posts:
pepsicolagirl · 05/10/2020 13:43

How old are your DC?

I'm so sorry this is happening, I can imagine how awful it must be for you.

Original poster
Greycurtiansarenaff · 05/10/2020 13:47

They're 9

I've been crying since Saturday, my dcs haven't had the easiest couple of months and when ds asked about xmas, I genuinely felt my heartache for them as I knew they wouldn't be seeing him.

How do you explain that to a child?

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 05/10/2020 13:47

Haven't they seen her belly?

Original poster
Greycurtiansarenaff · 05/10/2020 13:50

They haven't seen her at all, intact I think they've only met her twice maybe 3 times in the time he's been with her

OP posts:
pepsicolagirl · 05/10/2020 13:53

Take it out of their hands?
Christmas with a small baby may well be their preference this year so YOU decide that actually your DC will spend xmas with you and their Dad will have them either boxing day or perhaps NYE.

or

Sit your ex and his partner down without the kids around and ask them outright. Tell them the effect you feel it will have on DC and ask what THEY will do to make that better.

Also, I am guessing at 9 they know whats what more than you might think x

FourPlasticRings · 05/10/2020 13:53

I'd tell them, OP. It's not exactly a state secret. First though, I'd tell their DF that if he's not going to tell them, I will, and give him a deadline so at least he can't complain that you didn't warn him/beat him to it.

pepsicolagirl · 05/10/2020 13:54

when was the last time they had time with their father?

Crunchymum · 05/10/2020 13:55

What are the current arrangements?

Original poster
Greycurtiansarenaff · 05/10/2020 14:04

@FourPlasticRings I told him 2 months ago he needed to tell them he said he would.
They last saw him about 3-4 weeks ago and I'd already pre warned them that their dad had something to tell them and he never did.

@pepsicolagirl Honestly that's easier said than done, I haven't laid eyes on exdp for over a year I have only phone contact with him, i don't know where he lives and have tried more than once to have a conversation with him about our dc. He just simply doesn't comprehend anything I say to him and his partner is just as bad, she is very spiteful and manipulative. I only found out about the pregnancy due to her sending me the picture followed by a vile message about him finally having the family hes always wanted.

OP posts:
pepsicolagirl · 05/10/2020 14:07

She sounds fucking awful and not someone I would want within spitting distance of my children.

Don't get me wrong, I am a massive advocate of responsible co parenting for the childrens sake BUT maybe it would actually hurt them more long term to have a coward and a spiteful bitch in their lives rather than NC. They sound toxic AF. Sorry.

I would be angry at being put in this position

Original poster
Greycurtiansarenaff · 05/10/2020 14:08

@crunchymum There are no arrangements, he sees them as and when he feels like it. He saw them a few weeks ago, then the last time before that was in June for fathers day the odd phone call here and there but not much else.

I've been trying to get him to have more contact, see them in the week or take them to their activities on a weekend, but nothing all I hear is its difficult for him and I don't know what's going on in his life. Obviously this was before I found out about the baby, now I know why. He also kept reducing their cms payments because he had to buy things for their child.

OP posts:
Lovelivelaughcry · 05/10/2020 14:13

How awful for you and your children. I don't think I could have him in their lives anymore if he treats them this way. Would they not be better off in the long run without constantly being let down?

AryaStarkWolf · 05/10/2020 14:13

[quote Greycurtiansarenaff]@crunchymum There are no arrangements, he sees them as and when he feels like it. He saw them a few weeks ago, then the last time before that was in June for fathers day the odd phone call here and there but not much else.

I've been trying to get him to have more contact, see them in the week or take them to their activities on a weekend, but nothing all I hear is its difficult for him and I don't know what's going on in his life. Obviously this was before I found out about the baby, now I know why. He also kept reducing their cms payments because he had to buy things for their child.[/quote]
That's tough OP but If I were you i wouldn't chase him, honestly if he stopped all contact with him it would probably be better than sporadic, not really wanted contact.

Awful situation though, what a shit excuse of a dad

Original poster
Greycurtiansarenaff · 05/10/2020 14:16

They're both as bad as each other and are certainly suited. Without trying to sound as though I'm blaming her for him being a shitty dad, alot of his contact issues got worse when they got together and there is so much more to all of this than I want to go into, but he used to take them out on a regular basis would see them in the week call after school, at least attend the odd parents evening and sports day, but as soon as he got with her it all stopped.
She is definitely insecure and unhinged and he's just a weak specimen of a man.

I do not want her around my dc, is definitely the type of person who will tell them that their dad loves his other child more, but unfortunately she is now their siblings mum so they should have some sort of relationship with their sibling.

OP posts:
pepsicolagirl · 05/10/2020 14:20

@Greycurtiansarenaff

They're both as bad as each other and are certainly suited. Without trying to sound as though I'm blaming her for him being a shitty dad, alot of his contact issues got worse when they got together and there is so much more to all of this than I want to go into, but he used to take them out on a regular basis would see them in the week call after school, at least attend the odd parents evening and sports day, but as soon as he got with her it all stopped. She is definitely insecure and unhinged and he's just a weak specimen of a man.

I do not want her around my dc, is definitely the type of person who will tell them that their dad loves his other child more, but unfortunately she is now their siblings mum so they should have some sort of relationship with their sibling.

In an ideal world, yes. They should have a relationship with their sibling. However, I don't think that's something you have much of a say in. You sound like a great mum and hopefully this will work itself out but imo you need to be doing nothing more than giving him the option of being a great dad. You can only open the door, if he chooses not to walk through it then what can you do?

As for christmas I think you need to take charge and make plans for you and dc.

Friendsoftheearth · 05/10/2020 14:21

Op you can not force your ex or his new dp to look after and prioritise your children, they sound far too wrapped up in themselves for that.

So all that is left is for you to take a deep breath, there is a lot you can do to mitigate this, and I suggest you stop seeing it as unfair (it is) but it won't help your children. As shit as it is, you have to accept it, so you can protect your children from the worst of it.

Christmas is now something you are doing now - take control of it - don't even include him in the plans, he is only going to sideline in preference of the newborn. This is going to be the best christmas ever in your house Rope in whatever family members you can and work on making this so magical, they won't have time to think about him. Snow machines, party and plenty of visits from others. It needs to be wall to wall fun, and if they ask just say you will see him soon, but for now it is christmas and time for fun. Protect them from his rejection.

I would do with every special event.

I would start to cut him out altogether, there is no way I would let my children be broken by his indifference. Plenty of children have perfectly happy childhoods without their fathers. It is time to look beyond him, don't allow him to hurt them.

AngelicInnocent · 05/10/2020 14:23

Since you can't rely on them to tell your DC (or to actually be considerate if they did), I would tell DC myself.

That way you can word it to protect your DC as much as possible. So Dad and his friend have decided to have a brother or sister for you. New babies take up lots of time so dad might not be able to visit for a while.

I know you shouldn't have to but your DCs feelings are the important thing at the end of the day.

Friendsoftheearth · 05/10/2020 14:24

They don't need to have any kind of relationship with a half sibling, and nor do I think it is a good idea to leave them with someone who is 'insecure and unhinged'.

Time to cut him back and out, if he can't care for them and prioritise them, then he doesn't have them. Full stop.

SpaceOP · 05/10/2020 14:28

YOu[ve poste about this before I think?

Honestly, if he won't tell them, you need to. Because honestly, they are going to see this as a huge betrayal and if you knew , but didn't tell them, you're going to be lumped in with him as someone they can't trust.

He's erratic and inconsistent and is not prioritising them. So you need to. Tell them what's happening. Tell them that you're not sure what's happening at Christmas. Tell them that you're excited to be spending it with them and what you are planning. His issues are not your issues and you're taking them onboard when you shouldn't be.

Friendsoftheearth · 05/10/2020 14:30

I second telling them too. It is important that they trust you, even if they can't trust him.

Original poster
Greycurtiansarenaff · 05/10/2020 14:33

@friendsoftheearth Thank you! I'm crying but thank you, I needed that. I always make Christmas magical we always do it big, they have never been anywhere else but at home on the day, but their dad has always been there in the morning to open gifts, its probably about the only day he does ever turn up which is why they asked as they want to make plans.

Deep down I know they're better off without him and we will all survive, I feel guilty that they love him and want his presence in their lives and he just won't do it.

OP posts:
ReasonablyUnreasonable · 05/10/2020 14:34

I have at least one half-sibling, possibly more. I have no contact with any of them and have no desire to have contact with them.

My 'D'F was granted no parental rights by the courts and I haven't seen him since I was about 5.

Honestly, my life is so much better for it. He tried to contact me when I was 18, no apology or recognition that he hadn't been in my life for 13-odd years.

Seriously, I would stop bothering. If he wants to contact the children, he will get in touch. If he doesn't. which seems most likely, it is better for your DC to know that you love them and will support them, rather than constantly wondering whether their dad will be seeing them.

2bazookas · 05/10/2020 14:34

They deserve some kind of simple explanation which is true.

" Daddy is very busy ; he lives in a new house now with another lady and they have a new family to look after. "

which is far better than the other explnations for absent parents children at school might share between themselves. Some true, some fantasy. Small children easily confuse real life, stories, film fiction and TV news.

"Did my daddy get covid and die? " "Did my daddy go missing and nobody knows where he is? " Is my Daddy in hospital/prison? Has my Daddy gone to heaven? back to another country? ) These are true explanations they may hear relayed from children in other families.

Original poster
Greycurtiansarenaff · 05/10/2020 14:38

@spaceOP Yes I have when I first found out about it. His issues are always lumped on my shoulders and I have to deal with all the crap he throws at me regarding our dc.

If I'm being honest I don't want to tell them as I don't want tosee them hurting, but I know I have to as he will just drop it on them like a bomb and walk off leaving me to clean up the mess.

OP posts:
picosandsancerre · 05/10/2020 14:39

I think you need to stop trying to push your ex to have a relationship with his own DC. It is not your responsibility and this adhoc seeing them is really damaging.

They will already feel abandoned by the waster never mind you telling them his GF is pregnant. I think that is too much for them to be expected to take on, and why should you have to tell them? All that will happen is you will get the brunt of there anger and frustrations. Your ex will twist the knife and suggest your jealous and are trying to create a wedge between him and the DC by telling them. He will likely make up a grand story about his plans to surprise them and look what your mum has done. Leave that for him to deal with..