Angry for my dcs

[Greycurtiansarenaff]

I honestly don't know where to start with this whole messed up situation. I'm so bloody angry my dcs dad, if that's what you want to call him has basically said he would rather have no contact with them, than tell them about the child he is about have.

The situation came about when ds asked if his dad would be around on xmas day and I said "I wasn't sure he would need to ask him" I then text exdp and told him what was said and that he needed to explain what was going on so that the dc could be prepared.
The baby is due in a matter of weeks, he nor his partner have once called and said they would like our dc to be involved in anything regarding their sibling and I genuinely do believe they have been pushed aside, by not only him but his partner who I know would be happy if they never saw their dad again.

I am so full of rage and anxiety on behalf of my dc that they don't even know what's going to hit them, they already feel as though they are unloved by him, but this has truly shown who he is and how he feels about them.

I don't even know if any if this makes sense but I just need some advice on what to do or say, he is literally disowning them, if favour of a new child and his partners feelings, this is going to devastate them.

@Greycurtiansarenaff

It is par for the course, I think.....
Ex DH gets with new woman who is jealous and resentful... gets pregnant as soon as possible, and hey presto, Original Child/ren are completely pushed aside.

Mt DS has a half sibling he has nothing in common with at all...they are basically two single children. {Adults now}

It is an all too frequent problem.

I would have told them when you found out, you say you found out 2 months ago, you gave him a chance to tell them but he didn’t? Why didn’t you just tell them when he didn’t?

You need to tell them and I wouldn’t sugar coat it too much at all.

Tell your ex that the kids will be staying with you Christmas Day, ask him if he A new born baby isn’t going to care if he’s there or not and his new partner should come 2nd to his dc’s. He has a chance to prove he can be a good dad to all of them, if he messes that up (doesn’t sort something for Christmas) then the dc will know how useless he is. Yes it’s sad for the dc’s if he won’t allow them to be part of his ‘new’ life and sad for the half sibling too as surely one day they will wonder why their dad has children which they have never met.

@Reasonablyunreasonable I could be projecting here slightly and dealing with issues from my own childhood. I have 3 half siblings and my dad done exactly the same thing to me when I was 15, as exdp is doing now so I know how much it hurts to be kept in the dark.
I went to stay with my dad for the weekend and he quite literally handed me my little sister and when I reacted badly, we had a fight and i didn't see him again until i was 23 and he'd had my brother. I barely have a relationship with them and see them once every few years, My other sister who is the same age as me we knew each other when we were small, but her mum was bitter and didn't want us to have a relationship so stopped contact and we didn't see each other until we were 20.

I didn't want that for my children and tried my hardest to not give them the childhood I had, but the situation has repeated itself.

It is okay op, is very stressful to be in this position.

Can someone dress up as father christmas this year and turn up in the morning to do the presents? Or your parents arrive first thing, so that they don't notice that their Dad is not there because so many other things are happening? They may ask so be bright and breezy - 'we are having an extra special christmas this year and we will see Daddy another time' and just move their focus on to presents, dancing and music.

I would tell them very flippantly when out for a walk, or in the car. I would not make it into a big deal at all when you tell them about the baby. Something along the lines of 'xx is having a baby in a few weeks so Daddy might be busy for a while' and let them ask you questions. When answering keep it short, without emotion and then change the subject. as soon as you can. I would try and avoid linking christmas and the new baby together.

If you can sound neutral and not upset at all when you tell them about the baby they will pick up on the fact this is not something to be sad about, and it will make it easier for them to digest. Of course their father should be telling them, but he isn't, so drop it into conversation, and say no more about it.

I would give it no air time in my house, even once the baby has arrived. Just say thats nice, and move the subject on. They might suggest making a card etc, IF they do then post it and be relaxed. If they don't suggest it or talk about the baby then you shouldn't either.

If you are right, and their father is going to let them down, the more you can do to protect them by preempting where and when he might let them down would be better. So have spare presents lined up for them, from father christmas - make their birthdays all about them and not who is missing etc.

I’ve been there but you can not support your children accepting that their father is a twat if you keep trying to cajole him into being an involved parent when he clearly doesn’t want to be.

Tell your children the truth, their father is having another child. You have asked their father about Xmas but he hasn’t replied but you are planning to make Xmas extra special this year. You are your children safe space and that comes from trust.

Some men are like this, happy to dip in and out of their children’s life at their own convenience. DD’s father chose to terminate contact but excitedly informed her that she was going to be a big sister (I suspect under duress from his Mother), knowing that he chose to not have contact with her.

Your Ex has found his toxic match (better that these types find each other). Disengage, disengage, disengage. The more time you soak up his bullshit behaviour, the less time you have to support your kids in accepting their father for who he is, not who you desperately want him to be.

@Greycurtiansarenaff
Oh, by the way..this is how ex DH told his son his new GF was pregnant:

''{Name}, you are going to have a brother or a sister...Bit of a shock, isn't it''

He didn't really want a second child so he said.

".....he would rather have no contact with them, than tell them about the child he is about have."

How many children does ex have with you? Later on you mention a son.

He's a shit; why can he not tell your children that another baby is on the way? They will find out sooner or later anyway.

I do not understand men like him but he may just be panicking at the moment.

Best to be honest and have a lovely xmas without dad and all the drama that ensues.

You sound very triggered by your own childhood, have you had counselling op?

The situation seems to be so magnified by you, almost like you are reliving the pain you went through. You are the adult this time, and you can do a much better job of protecting your children (least of all because you have been through this yourself) You are going to be neutral, relaxed and chilled about this. If they are going to continue to see their father, then maybe it is an idea to suggest to him that days out with the dc would be better than time at home, where they might be sidelined. There is a lot you can do to stop this from hurting them, history does not have to repeat itself. You can step in.

@jesstan1 We have two DS's together.

[quote Greycurtiansarenaff]@Reasonablyunreasonable I could be projecting here slightly and dealing with issues from my own childhood. I have 3 half siblings and my dad done exactly the same thing to me when I was 15, as exdp is doing now so I know how much it hurts to be kept in the dark.
I went to stay with my dad for the weekend and he quite literally handed me my little sister and when I reacted badly, we had a fight and i didn't see him again until i was 23 and he'd had my brother. I barely have a relationship with them and see them once every few years, My other sister who is the same age as me we knew each other when we were small, but her mum was bitter and didn't want us to have a relationship so stopped contact and we didn't see each other until we were 20.

I didn't want that for my children and tried my hardest to not give them the childhood I had, but the situation has repeated itself.[/quote]
Isn't it strange how these patterns are repeated...
It's almost like we are drawn to the same type of situation, no matter how painful it is.

As if it is somehow 'familiar'... We choose partners who echo our own past. For good or ill.

No way would I leave this to an arsehole like him, to tell them in a way that’s guaranteed to be shit.

I’d be honest with them. “The news that I mentioned before... dad and X are having a baby, due Y date. I can’t tell you what will happen then, but you know dad isn’t doing a good job of staying in contact, and we need to prepare ourselves for that to be the same when the baby arrives. If you have any questions, I’ll try to get answers for you.”

When it comes to Xmas - I’d tell them that with a new baby, and all the Covid regulations, there’s a good chance that Xmas will be different this year. So whilst you haven’t had this from dad, you think it’s better to make plans assuming he won’t be with you - but you can always make last minute changes.

Better to say no and be wrong, than leave them dangling.
No way in hell is she going to “allow” him to leave new baby on Xmas day

As a lone mum of 3 teenagers all I can say is don't lie to them. Not even with best intentions. We've had some bad times due to my ex but we got through them & I'm so glad now that I always told them the truth. My eldest is now forging an adult relationship with his father & because he's always known what's been happening, he's gone into that relationship with his eyes wide open. I'm not saying bad mouth him, just don't make excuses for him.

@Oakleaffy
"Isn't it strange how these patterns are repeated...
It's almost like we are drawn to the same type of situation, no matter how painful it is.

As if it is somehow 'familiar'... We choose partners who echo our own past. For good or ill."

Scarily familiar, it was only after we had our dc and things started to go wrong did I realise he was very much like my dad, his woe is me attitude is sickening. I'm mean I'm a grown adult and I now have my dad, who's been in and out of my life telling me how much he failed and wants to make it up to me, he's about 20 years too late, I feel nothing for him.

You need to stop chasing him for contact, it's up to him, if he doesn't want to see them then that's up to him.
Tell the children about the baby, don't let them find out accidentally or they will not trust you any more.
That poor baby, he has a track record and it will not end well for the new partner and baby.
The best thing you can do is be completely honest with your children. Tell them the new baby is coming at xmas and their father will be in hospital sorting that out.
They may need counselling for the rejection, all you can do is keep telling them it's not their fault.

I have voted YABU but only because I think you are projecting a lot of your own (justified) rage and anxiety onto your children when you could probably be doing more to brush off what a useless twat their dad is and that's just the way he is, it's not personal to the DCs, let's get on with having a lovely life without him.

Take control of the situation and tell your DSs about the baby - I think Cocomarine has worded it well. This man is clearly never going to step up and the longer you battle trying to get him to engage, the longer you are dragging out the pain and uncertainty for your DC. There's a big difference between alienating your kids by actively badmouthing the other parent, and just letting contact fizzle out because the other parent doesn't give a shit. Your DC won't feel or be more loved by their dad because you pushed him to have sporadic unpredictable contact with them. Best to rip off that plaster so you can all start healing.

[quote Greycurtiansarenaff]@spaceOP Yes I have when I first found out about it. His issues are always lumped on my shoulders and I have to deal with all the crap he throws at me regarding our dc.

If I'm being honest I don't want to tell them as I don't want tosee them hurting, but I know I have to as he will just drop it on them like a bomb and walk off leaving me to clean up the mess.[/quote]
They are going to be hurt either way. So it seems to me that you avoiding this difficult conversation is not helping them in any way.

You are enough, they don't need a parent who doesn't put them first, especially one with a toxic partner. That is a whole heap of future therapy sessions right there. I will say it again, you are enough.

Like Friend said, make this Christmas amazing. I am sure that you can somehow make a conversation where you talk about how much you wish was a better friend and that it is disappointing when you want to spend time with someone and they don't want to spend time with you. Make it so they can see that this has happened to you too. That you have that together. You don't need to say their Dad, they can realise that themselves.

Sadly I think you are going to have to be the one to tell them about the baby, which is more than shit but you can then tell your sons you are so glad that you have them as children. They are so special and so loved.

According to the Social, Emotional and Mental Health team at the primary school my children went to, it only takes 30% positive to counter the 70% negative which is why they work so hard in school to make a verbally abused child feel great about their achievements whilst in school.

OP I totally empathise having seen my SIL and my best friend go through almost exactly the same situation.

In the case of SIL, he didn't tell the grils until after the baby was born either. He hardly had any contact with them anyway, but he let them come visit to 'show off' their sister. That was pretty much the last time he saw them. I think their sister must be 5 or 6 now. He has a new family. doesn't need a new one. The girls are now 16 and 14 and unfortuantely now complately understand that some dads are shit.

My best friend has twins. She instigated a divorce from her ex. He has behaved atrociously. Only seeing the kids for 3 hours a fortnight (and refusing to see them at all since Covid) He also has a baby with his new wife as well as her two children, and just doesn't have time for his own two. He won't allow my friend to contact him or his wife at all for any child issues. He pays maintenance. Thats the best thing I can say about him. The kids also now understand where his priorities lie. Its sad for them and they do get upset now and again BUT they are actually happier that they know the score rather than being let down again and again.

Niether of these women bad mouthed their exes, but they did tell their children the truth to a certain degree. All of these children know that they are better off with their mum and after years of disappointment are settled and happy. You need to be the bigger person here because he is never going to be. Tell them whats happening and take the brunt of their pain. They will remember who was there for them. x

That is absolutely right camilla You can build up your children, be positive, loving and their best cheerleader.

So they have a crap Dad, thats not the be all and end all if you are committed to them. You are more than good enough as you are.

A checked out dad that pretends to care and lets them down frequently is going to be far more damaging to your dc, than a controlled phased out contact that done gently but firmly. He is simply not up to the job, but you are - and as long as you are buoyant, happy and full of love for them, that is all they need to come through this op (baby or no baby)

Have some confidence that you can manage this, you are going to the epitome of grace and indifference from now on when it comes to your ex. Lead by example starting with your plans to have the best christmas ever and take it from there.

@MyCatHatesEverybody that's fair enough, but I don't put anything onto them regarding their dad, I remain as neutral as possible. I've never slagged him off to them and I know children do see the fake faces we put on, but I try not to show them that I cannot stand him.

Grey I didn't read anything you wrote as bitter, just concern for your children.

I really feel for you, I am in a similar situation except ex-h's "partner" (OW) has done everything she can to get rid of DS since ex left to live with her. 3 days before lockdown, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was booked in for surgery on lockdown day. Ex-h was due to have DS while I was in hospital (day case). OW grabbed this by the horns and "banned" DS from their property saying she "felt uncomfortable" around him. He's been visiting there for 7 years and was there the day before. Ex-h ended contact, despite a court order, and hasn't seen DS since. DS is devastated and confused and using hateful language about his father. He's 9 and has ASD. I have applied back to court now but ex-h has written a statement saying he no longer wants contact. Like you, I am absolutely raging on DS's behalf. It's like he doesn't matter.

Like you, I am trying to say the right things and not bad mouth ex-h (or OW). I have just said that some parents just don't know how to do that job properly. Weirdly, my ex-h's father did exactly this to him and it affected him his whole life, yet here he is perpetuating that pattern of destruction.

Somebody upthread said that you wouldn't want your child in spitting distance of a woman who could behave like that (or a father for that matter!) and I agree with that. I am trying to prepare my son for the very real possibility that his dad has gone for good and he is on a waiting list for counselling at school. It's shit.

The only suggestion I have is to tell him something along the lines of the following to help him understand the bigger picture. He might think the path of least resistance is to keep his DP happy and build a happy new nuclear family and screw over his older DC but at some point in the future, his new DC will find out how he cast aside his older DC and realise what a completely awful father he is. The path of least resistance is to carry on parenting all his DC so his new child can see he is a decent parent.

Good luck.

Your ex's current gf had better be careful. How he treats your dc, he will be treating their dc one day.

What a weak, vile specimen of a man. And she sounds no better.

OP, kudos to you. You're acting like the adult here. Why not take the initative over Xmas, say you will be having your dc for the day and tell them you have lots of exciting stuff planned? Don't kowtow around your ex. I'd also tell them your ex is having another dc, in case they hear from someone else.

- sounds very hard for you.