Angry for my dcs

[Greycurtiansarenaff]

I honestly don't know where to start with this whole messed up situation. I'm so bloody angry my dcs dad, if that's what you want to call him has basically said he would rather have no contact with them, than tell them about the child he is about have.

The situation came about when ds asked if his dad would be around on xmas day and I said "I wasn't sure he would need to ask him" I then text exdp and told him what was said and that he needed to explain what was going on so that the dc could be prepared.
The baby is due in a matter of weeks, he nor his partner have once called and said they would like our dc to be involved in anything regarding their sibling and I genuinely do believe they have been pushed aside, by not only him but his partner who I know would be happy if they never saw their dad again.

I am so full of rage and anxiety on behalf of my dc that they don't even know what's going to hit them, they already feel as though they are unloved by him, but this has truly shown who he is and how he feels about them.

I don't even know if any if this makes sense but I just need some advice on what to do or say, he is literally disowning them, if favour of a new child and his partners feelings, this is going to devastate them.

@Greycurtiansarenaff I don't think you're projecting in the sense of you slagging off their dad to the DCs, but that you might not be fighting so hard to keep this uninterested waste of space in their lives if it weren't for wanting to right the wrongs of your own childhood.

A lot of situations with children of your DCs age is about news management, the sooner they are told in an age appropriate way that their dad is not someone to be relied on the sooner they can adjust to their new normal instead of living in a state of constant uncertainty.

I'm sorry you're all going through this.

@TheFormidableMrsC That's awful! I hope you're kicking Cancers arse and come out on the other side stronger than before, for yourself and your ds.
I also had a cancer scare just before lockdown and was only able to go back and get the all clear in August, so I found it very stressful over the lockdown period not knowing what was going to happen.

She wasn't the OW he left me for but was the OW, all very complicated which is why she is so insecure and feels the need to gloat about everything. I have no interest in exdp sexually, we haven't been together for 7 years but she can't let it drop. She stalks my social media, which eventually lead me to delete it. He knows all of this and still chose to take her side, it got to a point where I stopped contacting him regarding our dc as she would cry if I was on the phone or he would have to sneak out the house to call our dc. He's pitiful and a sorry excuse for a father, ds1 has already had counselling due to his anxiety surrounding his dad and does have some serious outbursts when he hasn't seen him for a while.

No contact is better than contact that is going to damage them. It really is as simple as that.

You want this close relationship for them with their dad and half sibling but that can't happen if the father doesn't want it. And he doesn't.

Let him go.

You are enough for your twins.

[quote Greycurtiansarenaff]@Oakleaffy
"Isn't it strange how these patterns are repeated...
It's almost like we are drawn to the same type of situation, no matter how painful it is.

As if it is somehow 'familiar'... We choose partners who echo our own past. For good or ill."

Scarily familiar, it was only after we had our dc and things started to go wrong did I realise he was very much like my dad, his woe is me attitude is sickening. I'm mean I'm a grown adult and I now have my dad, who's been in and out of my life telling me how much he failed and wants to make it up to me, he's about 20 years too late, I feel nothing for him.[/quote]
I don't know.

I think it is more that we recognise the similarities as familiar and react to it as if it was the same.

However, all situations are not the same, so there is an opportunity to see the differences and move forwards from there.

I think that if you are going to tell children about a pregnancy, once it becomes generally noticeable there is no point waiting for him faffing about, because someone somewhere will say something. Even if the children do not tag on at that moment they can put 2 & 2 together when they have more information and will know there was a problem.

You know them best - tell them in the way that is best for them - separately from the Christmas issue, and that separately from the fact that he will probably always be like that. Then I hope you have a good Christmas together. You can't live your life tidying up after him.

@Zilla1

The only suggestion I have is to tell him something along the lines of the following to help him understand the bigger picture. He might think the path of least resistance is to keep his DP happy and build a happy new nuclear family and screw over his older DC but at some point in the future, his new DC will find out how he cast aside his older DC and realise what a completely awful father he is. The path of least resistance is to carry on parenting all his DC so his new child can see he is a decent parent.

Good luck.

When I was maybe 12 a woman wrote my dad a letter to basically tell him about the son she says they share. My dad denied this and basically shut the whole thing down on the spot.

Thing is though, I saw a photo of the boy and he looks just like our dad. It REALLY affected the way I saw my dad and I lost a lot of respect for him. My dad was always massively there for us and was very hands on but the thought he could just dump this boy and his Mum disgusted me.

I'm going to update here as I don't think starting a new thread is worth it.

As predicted exdp has acted just as I thought he would, his partner had the baby a few weeks ago our dc found by overhearing a conversation had by their Dgm they were quite upset and have said they want nothing to do with the baby, which in itself is quite sad but understandable.

I've had absolute murders with exdp after I refused to allow him in my house, when he demanded to come round to speak to our dc, even though he hasn't been here for a year. I told him they already knew about the baby and if he wanted to see them he would need to make other arrangements to take them elsewhere.
He lied and said the baby hadn't been born, then proceeded to put a picture up of himself holding baby with his middle finger up, which of course was taken by his gf, basically saying fuck me and the dc

I retaliated by sending him a vile message and have heard nothing since, he's now not paid their cms so I'm going to have another fight on my hands regarding that, which I don't even think I want from him anymore! Its £30pw which of course will go down significantly now and just feel it's a bloody insult to my dc. I really cannot stand either of them.

I was in exactly this situation and I did what I should have done years ago and stopped contact. He made no effort to see DS over the years and although it was hard it was 100% the best thing to do.

DS is 14 now and the most lovely son! My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner as he had years of being let down and feeling not good enough before I put a stop to it.

Sometimes forcing a relationship is not always the best way, I learned that the hard way. He actually went on to walk out on his new baby as well and hasn't been in his life since he was 3 months old - he's 6 now.

Some people are not cut out to be parents and that is easier to explain to your kids than constant let downs and feelings of nor being good enough or second best. Good luck OP.

I know it’s not the main point of the thread but this is so sad
He lied and said the baby hadn't been born, then proceeded to put a picture up of himself holding baby with his middle finger up, which of course was taken by his gf, basically saying fuck me and the dc
That poor little baby, only weeks old, and already being exploited as a way to hurt his siblings and their mother
The good news for your DC is that they don’t have to live with this pond scum, and he can be cut out of their lives like the rot he is.
Get CMS sorted though. It’s your DCs money. Even if you put it aside and give it to them to piss up a wall when they turn 18. It’s not his money, it’s theirs.

@Youeseethings That's exactly what I thought and what I said to him very publicly! They're both using their child to hurt myself and our dc, they shouldn't be parents if that's how you're going to behave. Its embarrassing having him as their father, because he is now playing the victim role and blaming me for the not seeing his other child.

Block them. Tell him if he wants to contact you it will be via e mail. Money through CMS. Don't let that slip. It is for your children. Even if it covers swimming lessons. It is something. Then let go. The children are aware of the baby. And just let them Know if they want to make contact with their father you will support them in that. And get on living your best life.

I'll give cms a call on Monday, but I really cannot be bothered with it all and just want to cut all ties with him now, as he sees that as control over me and stops paying when I've pissed him off or he doesn't like what I've said. It's all a game to him.