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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To regret claiming Child maintenance

55 replies

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 05/10/2020 12:16

My ex husband has never paid a penny towards our Dc. We broke up 7 years ago and he has seen the Dc a handful of times since. The last time he saw them was 18 months ago. The Dc are 12 and 11 now.

Xh has since moved on and has two more Dc and a fiancé.

He has ruined my life. He messages family members with lies which are all the time proven as lies. The most recent was he broke up with his partner and told her we had slept together and she messaged my husband via Facebook . The next day xh retracted the statement and admitted he lied to hurt her.

He has sent me death threats and abuse etc.

When he and his dp broke up she messaged me telling me he has spoke constantly about killing me, he has the route I walk to school (he followed me to my house years ago when he saw the Dc after I dropped them off at a safe place!) with my youngest daughter. He says he will happily lose everything to make me suffer.

Cms contacted me a few months ago saying he owes £6k and they want to collect. At the time I was pissed off that me and dh had once again bought the school clothes with no help so I asked them to collect it.

I had heard nothing from xh which I was surprised about but thought maybe he’s grown up. I haven’t heard anything from cms either so I rang this morning. They said they only sent the letter to him and his employer last week.

I checked his social media secretly to see if he posted anything regarding it 🙈 and he’s deleted everything, his fb, Instagram etc it’s all definitely gone.

Now I’m panicking that he’s removed it so he can “ruin my life” and hid his social media so that his friends etc won’t find out iyswim.

I feel like I’m on edge now 😩😭

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 05/10/2020 12:20

Why would you want to claim from your ex, when he is clearly unhinged.

Hingeandbracket · 05/10/2020 12:20

Do you know for sure he's deleted his SM rather than just blocking you from it all?

If you have death threats in messages etc - go to the Police.

You shouldn't have to put up with this.

shesgonebatshitagain · 05/10/2020 12:21

Your children are entitled to that money
IMO you’ve done the right thing. He sounds like an awful person that you’re well shot of but at the end of the day why should the cost of bringing up his children up be left to you?

As for any threats of criminal behaviour contact the police
CMS can go take him to court and from hereon in You could go to collect and pay which means it’s directly taken from him plus a % charge. You do lose some money too but nothing compared to how much more it costs him.

Original poster
Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 05/10/2020 12:21

He’s definitely deleted, checked on my house account 🙈

OP posts:
Flaunch · 05/10/2020 12:23

@vodkaredbullgirl

Why would you want to claim from your ex, when he is clearly unhinged.
Because he has to pay for his kids?!
Original poster
Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 05/10/2020 12:23

Because children are expensive and my husband is constantly paying out for clothes, trips etc while he is constantly on holiday with his new family.

OP posts:
shesgonebatshitagain · 05/10/2020 12:23

@vodkaredbullgirl

Why would you want to claim from your ex, when he is clearly unhinged.
Because they are still his children. Children cost money.
seayork2020 · 05/10/2020 12:24

Go to the police

user13745865422563 · 05/10/2020 12:24

What did the police do about the death threats?

NikeDeLaSwoosh · 05/10/2020 12:24

@vodkaredbullgirl

Why would you want to claim from your ex, when he is clearly unhinged.
...because the other option would be for OP to claim benefits.

His DC, he pays for them. Why should the rest us taxpayers have to subsidise a deadbeat like him?

Greenkit · 05/10/2020 12:25

I would contact the police and let them know his intentions.

vodkaredbullgirl · 05/10/2020 12:25

@shesgonebatshitagain Yes i know, I have been there.

YukoandHiro · 05/10/2020 12:25

Inform the non emergency police numbers about your fears so you're protected

Original poster
Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 05/10/2020 12:26

Iv been to the police numerous times, even when we first broke up and he smashed my house up. They do nothing, literally nothing. The said there was no proof he smashed the house up and I could have done it. Even though when I got a non molestaton order out my next door neighbour wrote a letter saying they heard him attacking me etc In the past.

OP posts:
Cantbreathe2020 · 05/10/2020 12:26

You NEED to involve the Police. I would also arrange another way of getting the kids to school....

LUZON · 05/10/2020 12:26

Sounds like you need to involve the police.
Also can you and your family members block him and his ex partner.

shesgonebatshitagain · 05/10/2020 12:27

@NikeDeLaSwoosh
As a lone parent who has specific working or earning circumstances she can still claim benefit.

Deadbeat dads or not.

Don’t stigmatise the fact that many lone parents have no choice but to claim benefits especially when their children are very young and they have a limited support network.

As a previous high paying taxpayer I have no issue with this.
Her fraudulent responsibility dodging shit of an ex though that’s a different matter.

Hotcuppatea · 05/10/2020 12:27

Have you considered contacting the police about the threats. Would your ExH's partner make a statement?

This is scaring you and it's serious, so maybe it's time treat it formally.

Original poster
Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 05/10/2020 12:28

The police are useless. When he threaten to burn my dh car down the police said because he lived an hour away it wouldn’t be classed as at risk because he had far to go.

OP posts:
OperationallySound · 05/10/2020 12:29

Contact the police, he is at the very least harassing you, and the death threats take it to another level.

As for the maintenance, I made a decision to have a clean break from XH. It really wasnt worth the distress, manipulation and him having any influence over our lives. Haven't regretted it for a second. Of course he should pay, but sometimes the best decision isn't always straightforward, and maybe it's better for your own wellbeing to disengage entirely. It certainly was for me.

shesgonebatshitagain · 05/10/2020 12:30

@Thedarksideofthemoon30

The police are useless. When he threaten to burn my dh car down the police said because he lived an hour away it wouldn’t be classed as at risk because he had far to go.
I can well believe this and yes they often are useless
Original poster
Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 05/10/2020 12:30

We claim no benefits. My dh is a high tax bracket earner so no need to claim. But I’m also sick of dh working over time to pay for things for the Dc when he shouldn’t have too. I work part time due to having to work around dh shifts.

OP posts:
OperationallySound · 05/10/2020 12:32

Sorry, just seen your update, definitely go back to the police, perhaps their DV officers would have a better understanding? If not, please do escalate until they do take you seriously

Hingeandbracket · 05/10/2020 12:35

Sorry the Police were crap - next stop your MP.

NikeDeLaSwoosh · 05/10/2020 12:37

[quote shesgonebatshitagain]@NikeDeLaSwoosh
As a lone parent who has specific working or earning circumstances she can still claim benefit.

Deadbeat dads or not.

Don’t stigmatise the fact that many lone parents have no choice but to claim benefits especially when their children are very young and they have a limited support network.

As a previous high paying taxpayer I have no issue with this.
Her fraudulent responsibility dodging shit of an ex though that’s a different matter.[/quote]
I completely agree.

The pp (not OP) seemed to be getting a bit close to the idea that women who claim from the state as opposed to their exes are somehow 'standing on their own two feet/not taking a penny in charity from him'

It also feeds the common trope that these men trot out - 'I'm not paying maintenance, that's what benefits are for' etc which obviously needs shutting down.

No issue at all with women receiving full CMS and then topping up with benefits.

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