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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pursue a man because I like him too much?

65 replies

Dingalingliscious · 04/10/2020 23:21

This probably sounds strange but I'm really struggling with it. I deeply, deeply adore a particular man. We have known each other for a year and are in very regular contact. I'm 80% sure he likes me back but I'm not certain. He's definitely single.

We cannot currently be together because there is a power imbalance in the nature of our relationship which would make this ethically wrong. This will not always be the case, likely only for a few more months.

My dilemma is that my feelings for him are so strong that I'm worried that if he rejects me or later down the line breaks up with me, it will absolutely destroy me.

I was really badly hurt in my last encounter with a man and it caused me intense pain and grief. I can't go through that again.

I'm thinking that I should probably try to pursue men who I'm not that madly into, and just let a relationship slowly evolve without too much passion or feeling on my side.

I deeply care about this man and the thought of him with another woman makes me feel like I've been stabbed. AIBU to be too afraid to go for it, even when I can?

OP posts:
pepsicolagirl · 04/10/2020 23:25

Would you feel better or worse if you sit on your feelings and he falls for someone else?

Thing is, you are setting yourself up to fail if you aren't honest with him.

Anordinarymum · 04/10/2020 23:26

I think you are allowing your emotions to get out of hand because you like him so much but don't actually know him as well as you like him.

Well I know what I mean :)

If you actually got to know him more you may find your feelings will settle down. It's the not knowing and anticipating, and getting a bit giddy that make you overthink perhaps ??

Ultimatecougar · 04/10/2020 23:27

Is one of you under 18 or in a position of authority over the other?

LucyLocketsPocket · 04/10/2020 23:29

Nothing ventured, nothing gained...

Original poster
Dingalingliscious · 05/10/2020 07:05

I do know him pretty well I would say. We're both over 18 but yes, he is in a position of authority over me.

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 05/10/2020 07:07

Avoid is my advice. You are right to protect yourself i this situation and well down for recognising it.

Oly4 · 05/10/2020 07:10

If he likes you, he will make it clear. Get on with your life

ShinyMe · 05/10/2020 07:13

Avoid. I think you've been told this on your threads before, haven't you?

Original poster
Dingalingliscious · 05/10/2020 07:26

I haven't posted about this before.

OP posts:
WhereamI88 · 05/10/2020 07:37

Avoid. What you are describing sounds very unhealthy. Such intense feelings mean you are probably not thinking clearly at all and it's an odd way to describe a crush. And if he's in a position of power, this will end badly for you, not just emotionally.

ShinyMe · 05/10/2020 07:39

Hm, well my apologies if it isn't the same person, but the details are strikingly similar.

In any case, avoid avoid avoid. None of this sounds healthy or any good for anyone involved.

Original poster
Dingalingliscious · 05/10/2020 07:56

I struggle to recognise what is normal behaviour when it comes to a crush and what isn't. For most people, would you say a crush is just someone that you think is attractive but you wouldn't mind the thought of them being with another woman?

OP posts:
CindersCatsSister · 05/10/2020 08:01

This sounds to me like obsession rather than attraction. Attraction should feel exciting, energising and life enhancing. The sense I get from your description is one of dread, fear and loss of control. If I’m correct, the it’s worth thinking about why you might have these feelings. Who does he remind you of? When have you had these feelings before? What do you think these strong feelings might be telling you? Is this attraction or a warning from your subconscious?

borntohula · 05/10/2020 08:03

Not sure why people are telling you to avoid. You're into him, you're fairly sure your feelings are reciprocated, etc.. I imagine they are projecting.

However, I would try and take a step back for now, maybe see other people and learn that this guy isn't the be all and end all.

SarahBellam · 05/10/2020 08:07

If he’s your academic supervisor and you’re finishing up a dissertation then it’s unlikely he feels the same. Having a crush on a tutor is very common and it’s unlikely your feelings are reciprocated.

Original poster
Dingalingliscious · 05/10/2020 08:12

He's not my academic supervisor

OP posts:
notsorighteousthesedays · 05/10/2020 08:13

Look up ‘limerence’ it’s an interesting concept and may help you out your feelings in a better perspective.....

gypsywater · 05/10/2020 08:14

Why does he have authority over you? Your boss?

Ginfordinner · 05/10/2020 08:17

Your boss?

NerrSnerr · 05/10/2020 08:17

It depends what capacity he has authority. If he's your boss then possibly could work. If he's a teacher, healthcare professional or therapist then I think you should let it go.

Original poster
Dingalingliscious · 05/10/2020 08:26

Don't want to give too much detail and out myself but our relationship is closest to the boss one in nature

OP posts:
Charleyhorses · 05/10/2020 08:28

So what is changing? Are you moving job/company?
Tbh, wait until he is no longer your boss etc.
Then see if you still feel the same?

FinallyHere · 05/10/2020 08:29

my feelings for him are so strong

If you have known him for a year, and have built such strong feelings, it might be worth looking at the dynamic.

It's not too much of a surprise to learn that he is in a position of authority over you.

A crush as a heightened emotion that 'feels' much, much more significant than 'normal' life but is not really rooted in the everyday life of mutual respect and understanding.

You might find it helpful to learn more about how this type of relationship works, so you understand the role that relationship plays in intensifying your feels. PP suggesting you look up 'limerence' is spot on.

Sadly, the way these things work is that only when you are out of it can you see it clearly. It will probably feel to you as if strangers over the internet cannot possibly know more about you and your special relationship than you do yourself. It is unfortunately true.

Just seeking other relationships without resolving this one would just be an opportunity to remind yourself how marvellous 'he' is. You need to understand what is really going on here and get closure first. Good luck.

lioncitygirl · 05/10/2020 08:30

Avoid. Sounds very unhealthy.

DueNumberTwo · 05/10/2020 08:34

For proper advice you actually need to tell us what the relationship is.

Senior to you in a large organisation but not direct line manager = not much of a problem.

Your therapist / counsellor / psychiatrist = huge problem

Your mentor and your vulnerable in any way = huge problem

Your uni / college lecturer = problem until after your course has finished.

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